30 Jul 2013, 7:20 AM
It is officially Day 3 of the current run of soberness. It has been a rough time to get here since the last slip. The slip led to binging. The binging led to selfishness and wanting to be alone. It's a horrible trend.
It was suggested to me that success is the number of days free from the act. Although I do like to count the days sober, this is not success. This is white-knuckled, worked-for, prayed-my-soul-out-for-help, supported-by-the-Lord effort. It is wonderful to be sober. But real success come from a change of heart.
If you would have asked me if I ever thought I would be clean again last February, I wouldn't have even cared enough about becoming clean to answer the question. It was a daily habit then. I had already given up and planned my day around when I might be able to go at it again. Today, when you ask me, I am eager to be free within a couple months.
The images are set in my mind as clearly as can be and can be conjured in an instant. I can choose from a myriad of them I have stored away in my memories. I liked them so much, I chose favorites and memorized them so that when I couldn't find a computer I could still "enjoy" them. This made it really hard to give it up. How can you get rid of something that is a part of you? Ingrained in you? Soaked into your daily habits, rituals, efforts, and uses so much of your time?
Well, I managed to. . .with the Lord's help. With a proper goal in place, everything becomes easier. I have changed. I am not where I need to be, but I do know I am not the same person I was last February!
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Overcoming the Drunkeness
25 Jul 2013, 9:14 AM
I have just gotten up this morning. You could say I had a "hangover" from having given into binging yesterday and last night. This is going to be another white-knuckle day. It will be so easy to just give in today too. In fact, I feel the urge as I write this blog. I can't give in so easily. It is time to be strong.
I refer to the binging in lust as drunkenness for several reasons: first, I loose the ability to think straight. That is why it is hard to create a new Day 1. Then, my actions become unpredictable, I become mean and reclusive, and I have a hard time controlling my diet, attitude, and thought process. Once this happens, scripture study and prayer go next.
The next feeling is anxiety. Then I get the feeling that someone is looking over my shoulder. I will actually turn on more lights in the house and close all the doors just to make sure nobody is around. I want to hide from the world. This should be an obvious sign there is something wrong, but at those moments, I don't seem to care. I'm used to feeling that way after so many years.
Stephanie will offer to give me company and check up on me. When I'm in my "drunken" state, I snap at her and avoid the questions. I get agitated to be reminded that I need help. I usually refuse her company. I told her this morning that when I am like that, she should come by because that is probably when I need the company the most. I also promised not to avoid her questions and be rude. It is amazing she is able to put up with that.
She pointed out how much I have improved in the past two months. She is good for putting things in perspective when I can't think clearly on my own. She keeps this positive! She will be submitting my name to the temple again. She said--and I had the same thought--I can't go in the temple, but at least my name can get in!
I have just gotten up this morning. You could say I had a "hangover" from having given into binging yesterday and last night. This is going to be another white-knuckle day. It will be so easy to just give in today too. In fact, I feel the urge as I write this blog. I can't give in so easily. It is time to be strong.
I refer to the binging in lust as drunkenness for several reasons: first, I loose the ability to think straight. That is why it is hard to create a new Day 1. Then, my actions become unpredictable, I become mean and reclusive, and I have a hard time controlling my diet, attitude, and thought process. Once this happens, scripture study and prayer go next.
The next feeling is anxiety. Then I get the feeling that someone is looking over my shoulder. I will actually turn on more lights in the house and close all the doors just to make sure nobody is around. I want to hide from the world. This should be an obvious sign there is something wrong, but at those moments, I don't seem to care. I'm used to feeling that way after so many years.
Stephanie will offer to give me company and check up on me. When I'm in my "drunken" state, I snap at her and avoid the questions. I get agitated to be reminded that I need help. I usually refuse her company. I told her this morning that when I am like that, she should come by because that is probably when I need the company the most. I also promised not to avoid her questions and be rude. It is amazing she is able to put up with that.
She pointed out how much I have improved in the past two months. She is good for putting things in perspective when I can't think clearly on my own. She keeps this positive! She will be submitting my name to the temple again. She said--and I had the same thought--I can't go in the temple, but at least my name can get in!
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Hairline Trigger
23 Jul 2013, 1:41 PM
I did not make it. My record this year was 9 1/2 days. This round was once again 9 1/2 days. My problem was setting off a trigger last night. I scratched an itch. The itch grew. I thought about it, and worried about it. Then, as time went on, other triggers presented themselves. I gave in to three different triggers today. The worst part about it was that I lost during the execution of the escape plan. Had I left my house when I thought I needed to, this wouldn't have happened.
I was smart this time and didn't hide it from Stephanie. I told her immediately (within two minutes via text). It is not worth the headache and sorrow to hold it in any more. She immediately forgave me. I don't know how she can. She is so amazing.
I decided to blog at this time to capture my feelings and thoughts so that when I am sober once again, I can review what went wrong and so that I can recognize symptoms too:
First, I felt loss. There will be yet another two Sundays without the sacrament. I felt like I let myself down, like I let God down, and like I let Stephanie down. I did.
Second, I felt beat up. I went to my jar of beads and emptied it. Nine beads sat on the table. I didn't have the heart to put them with the pile. Instead, I closed the jar and set the beads next to it. I will earn them back again.
Third, I felt like I may as well give in. I had already come this far, I may as well get some more. This is the binging portion. I sat down at my computer, opened up the Internet, sat down, and then I stared at the screen for a moment. I closed the browser and got dressed again. I said to myself: "What am I doing? I don't need to do this." It was at this particular point I texted Stephanie.
I told her that I was not in a mood for company (though, I probably need some). She told me not to linger in depression for too long. Good advice. Depression is addictive too. This was emotion four.
I feel slightly sober. Let's say that it is more of a feeling of loss, and less of a feeling of drunkenness. Binging would lead to the drunkenness. I am now striving to avoid that. I have serious urges right now to give into the binging. They feel almost stronger than the urges I had earlier when I broke. If I can fight these off, I win. Just because I slipped does not mean I have to play in the mud! It's quicksand in disguise!
I did not make it. My record this year was 9 1/2 days. This round was once again 9 1/2 days. My problem was setting off a trigger last night. I scratched an itch. The itch grew. I thought about it, and worried about it. Then, as time went on, other triggers presented themselves. I gave in to three different triggers today. The worst part about it was that I lost during the execution of the escape plan. Had I left my house when I thought I needed to, this wouldn't have happened.
I was smart this time and didn't hide it from Stephanie. I told her immediately (within two minutes via text). It is not worth the headache and sorrow to hold it in any more. She immediately forgave me. I don't know how she can. She is so amazing.
I decided to blog at this time to capture my feelings and thoughts so that when I am sober once again, I can review what went wrong and so that I can recognize symptoms too:
First, I felt loss. There will be yet another two Sundays without the sacrament. I felt like I let myself down, like I let God down, and like I let Stephanie down. I did.
Second, I felt beat up. I went to my jar of beads and emptied it. Nine beads sat on the table. I didn't have the heart to put them with the pile. Instead, I closed the jar and set the beads next to it. I will earn them back again.
Third, I felt like I may as well give in. I had already come this far, I may as well get some more. This is the binging portion. I sat down at my computer, opened up the Internet, sat down, and then I stared at the screen for a moment. I closed the browser and got dressed again. I said to myself: "What am I doing? I don't need to do this." It was at this particular point I texted Stephanie.
I told her that I was not in a mood for company (though, I probably need some). She told me not to linger in depression for too long. Good advice. Depression is addictive too. This was emotion four.
I feel slightly sober. Let's say that it is more of a feeling of loss, and less of a feeling of drunkenness. Binging would lead to the drunkenness. I am now striving to avoid that. I have serious urges right now to give into the binging. They feel almost stronger than the urges I had earlier when I broke. If I can fight these off, I win. Just because I slipped does not mean I have to play in the mud! It's quicksand in disguise!
White-Knuckle Day
23 Jul 2013, 9:36 AM
Day 10 is rearing its ugly head. It is acting like a Day 5, just as suspected. I let my guard down for a second and almost "died." I survived however. Last night was more of the same. My system is in detox mode. I can tell. I am not necessarily having temptations so much as my body is complaining that it is not getting its fix. Then, when the urge comes, temptation follows.
I am determined to stay clean. Thankfully I was able to withstand a second temptation when I was invited to attend a water park. That would be heaven and hell for a guy like me. I have never been to one before, but my response was "I'm not ready for that kind of. . .exposure." It would set me off so fast. I know I would give in to staring at girls and fantasizing. That would only lead to worse problems. Someday, perhaps, but not now.
I have prayed, and asked the Lord to take away the natural effects of the body's detoxification. The Lord came through. I was able to sleep last night without worrying about giving in and my mind was even clear too. This morning, I asked for help, but I failed to ask for extra help. I really need to keep my guard up.
Day 10 is rearing its ugly head. It is acting like a Day 5, just as suspected. I let my guard down for a second and almost "died." I survived however. Last night was more of the same. My system is in detox mode. I can tell. I am not necessarily having temptations so much as my body is complaining that it is not getting its fix. Then, when the urge comes, temptation follows.
I am determined to stay clean. Thankfully I was able to withstand a second temptation when I was invited to attend a water park. That would be heaven and hell for a guy like me. I have never been to one before, but my response was "I'm not ready for that kind of. . .exposure." It would set me off so fast. I know I would give in to staring at girls and fantasizing. That would only lead to worse problems. Someday, perhaps, but not now.
I have prayed, and asked the Lord to take away the natural effects of the body's detoxification. The Lord came through. I was able to sleep last night without worrying about giving in and my mind was even clear too. This morning, I asked for help, but I failed to ask for extra help. I really need to keep my guard up.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Keeping Busy
22 Jul 2013, 9:37 PM
I am approaching the hour where I will be officially sober for 9 full day periods. Today was strange. I felt urges, had premonitions to avoid triggers, but most importantly, I realized when the temptation sinks in: idleness. Today was the first day in a while where I was able to be home and alone for an extended period of time. Basically, from what I can tell, I allowed my mind to wander and that is what allowed the thoughts to come. That easy.
I look forward to tomorrow. It will be Day 10, or in other words: the second Day 5 of this series. It is when I failed last time I made it this far. I am not going to loose this time. This time I have an advantage: I remember why I failed last time. Last time I got complacent and wasn't ready to stop. This time I am ready to stop. Last time I thought it was amazing to be on Day 10 and proud of my accomplishment. This time I am going to take Day 10 carefully, like I would a Day 5 and move carefully forward. There is no reason to "count my chickens before they hatch".
As long as I don't do anything to compromise myself, I will be okay. I trust the Lord will do His best to help me keep my mind clear and my focus on my goal. I have finally learned that I am not able to do this alone. I must have the Lord on my side if I am going to get through this. Last time I made it to Day 10. This time, we will make it there. . .and beyond.
I am approaching the hour where I will be officially sober for 9 full day periods. Today was strange. I felt urges, had premonitions to avoid triggers, but most importantly, I realized when the temptation sinks in: idleness. Today was the first day in a while where I was able to be home and alone for an extended period of time. Basically, from what I can tell, I allowed my mind to wander and that is what allowed the thoughts to come. That easy.
I look forward to tomorrow. It will be Day 10, or in other words: the second Day 5 of this series. It is when I failed last time I made it this far. I am not going to loose this time. This time I have an advantage: I remember why I failed last time. Last time I got complacent and wasn't ready to stop. This time I am ready to stop. Last time I thought it was amazing to be on Day 10 and proud of my accomplishment. This time I am going to take Day 10 carefully, like I would a Day 5 and move carefully forward. There is no reason to "count my chickens before they hatch".
As long as I don't do anything to compromise myself, I will be okay. I trust the Lord will do His best to help me keep my mind clear and my focus on my goal. I have finally learned that I am not able to do this alone. I must have the Lord on my side if I am going to get through this. Last time I made it to Day 10. This time, we will make it there. . .and beyond.
Blind Faith, Desperation, and Love
22 Jul 2013, 9:16 AM
In church yesterday, we had a lesson on tithing. This was supposed to be last week's lesson, but we did the wrong one and returned to it. At any rate, we were going over the concept of paying tithing and how it is a commandment that a person should just follow no matter what. Then, the brother sitting next to me said something to the effect of "There are three reasons why a person will obey a commandment: blind faith because that's 'just the what you are supposed to do', desperation because life has been hard, or because you actually love our Father in Heaven."
I immediately wrote that down. Which level am I at? Am I being obedient because I need to? Am I being obedient because I have to? Or am I being obedient because I have decided to love and honor my Heavenly Father?
Some days, I do not know which one it is. Perhaps whenever I begin with Day 1 or so, it will be out of desperation to get out of the habit. Days 2-5 seem to be half desperation, and half blind faith because I know I will receive blessing if I do. But past Day 5, it seems that I enjoy being clean too much to relate to being selfishly desperate or blind as to where I am going. I do not know what is coming around the bend, but I do know this: the Lord will bless me if I do what is right.
What I am looking forward to a lot is taking the sacrament this coming Sunday. It has been three years, but for the first time in over 15, it will feel right to do so!
In church yesterday, we had a lesson on tithing. This was supposed to be last week's lesson, but we did the wrong one and returned to it. At any rate, we were going over the concept of paying tithing and how it is a commandment that a person should just follow no matter what. Then, the brother sitting next to me said something to the effect of "There are three reasons why a person will obey a commandment: blind faith because that's 'just the what you are supposed to do', desperation because life has been hard, or because you actually love our Father in Heaven."
I immediately wrote that down. Which level am I at? Am I being obedient because I need to? Am I being obedient because I have to? Or am I being obedient because I have decided to love and honor my Heavenly Father?
Some days, I do not know which one it is. Perhaps whenever I begin with Day 1 or so, it will be out of desperation to get out of the habit. Days 2-5 seem to be half desperation, and half blind faith because I know I will receive blessing if I do. But past Day 5, it seems that I enjoy being clean too much to relate to being selfishly desperate or blind as to where I am going. I do not know what is coming around the bend, but I do know this: the Lord will bless me if I do what is right.
What I am looking forward to a lot is taking the sacrament this coming Sunday. It has been three years, but for the first time in over 15, it will feel right to do so!
First Symptoms: Dreams
22 Jul 2013, 8:50 AM:
Today is Day 9. I am approaching my previous record of 9 1/2 which I made this last year. Once I surpass it, it will be the longest I have been sober and clean for over three years. Stephanie said to me last night, "I can tell a difference in you more easily. It's like you are more solid in my head. It's an interesting development. It's like you are becoming clearer." I feel like I can think more clearly. I do not have as much anxiety as I used to have all the time.
I had one of my first withdrawals last night however during my dreams. But this one was different somehow. Normally, when I get close to days 4 or 5, I will begin to have dreams where I am influenced to view pornography or hang out with temptresses. This did not happen until last night.
In this particular dream, I felt like I was a freshman in college again and I wanted to "fit in". In real life, this has never been one of my goals. I digress. In the dream I managed to procure a co-ed apartment where there were several girls living. There was a lot of rain and flooding going on in the streets. I bicycled all over town, barely missing pedestrians and cars along the route. I finally got to the building with the apartment and went through some strange doors and got to the main room of the apartment.
I went into the restroom and stripped myself and when I turned around into the main room, I saw the "leader" of the girls telling another guy to go away and demanding subservience to everyone in the room which included two girls, one of which was assigned as a long-term friend of mine by the dream, and one of my brothers. They only stood and watched. The leader girl was naked and kneeling on the floor and demanded that if I wanted to stay there, I needed to give her a massage right then and there.
Well, the situation led to me going forward with excessive petting and me beginning to find release. After a while, I realized what I was doing and got up. There was a look of utter disgust in the eyes of both my friend's and my brother's eyes. They did not want to leave. Finally, I got up and said I couldn't do this anymore.
I immediately got dressed. The leader girl demanded I stay and that tried to tempt me by saying that I was the only one for her and that everything I had ever wanted would be given to me if I stayed. I said no. I told my brother and friend, "We can never stay here. We know better. I'm just surprised you never had the courage to get up and leave." They looked ashamed even though I had done the worse actions. The leader girl yelled at me saying I would never be welcome back at her apartment ever. I didn't care. I wasn't coming back.
For a while I wandered outside feeling horrible that I had broken my streak of being clean and sober for this past week. I worried that I would have to start over and confess it once again to Stephanie and the Lord. When I woke up from the dream and realized that it was a dream, I was so relieved. I was relieved that not only was I still clean, but for the first time, when I had one of those dreams, I was able to leave the situation!
Normally, when I have those dreams, I feel really bad, dwell on it forever, and give in so it will stop bothering me. Not this time. Something has changed. I am a better person, and it shows--even in my subconscious! I just hope and pray the Lord will grant me strength when those dreams come again, that I will not participate at all.
I look forward to the healing. . . .
Today is Day 9. I am approaching my previous record of 9 1/2 which I made this last year. Once I surpass it, it will be the longest I have been sober and clean for over three years. Stephanie said to me last night, "I can tell a difference in you more easily. It's like you are more solid in my head. It's an interesting development. It's like you are becoming clearer." I feel like I can think more clearly. I do not have as much anxiety as I used to have all the time.
I had one of my first withdrawals last night however during my dreams. But this one was different somehow. Normally, when I get close to days 4 or 5, I will begin to have dreams where I am influenced to view pornography or hang out with temptresses. This did not happen until last night.
In this particular dream, I felt like I was a freshman in college again and I wanted to "fit in". In real life, this has never been one of my goals. I digress. In the dream I managed to procure a co-ed apartment where there were several girls living. There was a lot of rain and flooding going on in the streets. I bicycled all over town, barely missing pedestrians and cars along the route. I finally got to the building with the apartment and went through some strange doors and got to the main room of the apartment.
I went into the restroom and stripped myself and when I turned around into the main room, I saw the "leader" of the girls telling another guy to go away and demanding subservience to everyone in the room which included two girls, one of which was assigned as a long-term friend of mine by the dream, and one of my brothers. They only stood and watched. The leader girl was naked and kneeling on the floor and demanded that if I wanted to stay there, I needed to give her a massage right then and there.
Well, the situation led to me going forward with excessive petting and me beginning to find release. After a while, I realized what I was doing and got up. There was a look of utter disgust in the eyes of both my friend's and my brother's eyes. They did not want to leave. Finally, I got up and said I couldn't do this anymore.
I immediately got dressed. The leader girl demanded I stay and that tried to tempt me by saying that I was the only one for her and that everything I had ever wanted would be given to me if I stayed. I said no. I told my brother and friend, "We can never stay here. We know better. I'm just surprised you never had the courage to get up and leave." They looked ashamed even though I had done the worse actions. The leader girl yelled at me saying I would never be welcome back at her apartment ever. I didn't care. I wasn't coming back.
For a while I wandered outside feeling horrible that I had broken my streak of being clean and sober for this past week. I worried that I would have to start over and confess it once again to Stephanie and the Lord. When I woke up from the dream and realized that it was a dream, I was so relieved. I was relieved that not only was I still clean, but for the first time, when I had one of those dreams, I was able to leave the situation!
Normally, when I have those dreams, I feel really bad, dwell on it forever, and give in so it will stop bothering me. Not this time. Something has changed. I am a better person, and it shows--even in my subconscious! I just hope and pray the Lord will grant me strength when those dreams come again, that I will not participate at all.
I look forward to the healing. . . .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)