Monday, 4 November 2013, 8:36 PM:
A lot has happened recently. I have to admit that the Lord has seen fit to compel me to be humble. Basically, my house was broken into a little under two weeks ago and the thief took just a few things: the computer, violin, viola, camera, and some other stuff. That is not what this blog entry is about though.
What I am interested in discussing is the fact that the Lord found a way for me to break my never-ending cycle of returning to my addiction as a system of comfort and rebellion. In fact, one of the first thoughts on my mind as the the police forensics were going through my house was that I was now free from the temptation of the computer for a season. I still had the Internet on my other devices, but the main temptation had been rooted out of my grasp suddenly and forcibly!
Well, I was able to keep going. I had been working and striving to be better, but with no real intent. I think I was going through the motions of pretending I was getting better, when really, I had secretly planned in my head that I was going to try to drop the addiction "step-by-step" by going a few days, then, a few more, etc. etc. I know addiction to lust is not a drop-cold-turkey kind of addiction, but neither was it worth continuing longer than necessary.
A couple years back, my bishop suggested a goal: be clean for two weeks in order to partake of the sacrament. It took, quite a long time until I actually adopted this goal as my actual goal. Once it was mine, I pretended to work it quite a bit. At the time, the longest I could go was three to five days, but never past five. I had given up for quite some time as well. Finally, once my priorities were set straight, I finally entered true recovery mode. That was six months ago. Meanwhile, I had still never partaken of the sacrament.
In church yesterday, my bishop asked me how everything was going. I told him that today was going to be the two-week mark. He immediately turned to me and quietly asked, "What do you think if I were to come by tomorrow and offer you the sacrament?" I replied, "I would like that, I would like that very much." He told me to call him when I got home and he would come home from work to my house.
Today, he came over. I offered a prayer. I provided some water and bread and a cloth. My girlfriend and I sang a hymn while the bishop broke the bread. The bishop blessed the bread, partook, and offered it to each of us. He blessed the water, partook, then offered to each of us. All of this he did while on his knees. When this was done, we talked for a bit and I went over some of the musings I have just mentioned. Finally, I asked him to re-dedicate my home. He did.
This was the first time in over three years I've partaken of the sacrament. With it comes the opportunity to have the Spirit with me always. It is a way in which I can re-dedicate myself to the Lord and covenant that I will always remember Him!
Partaking the sacrament no longer has to be distant memory. No longer do I have to pass the plate along without partaking. This is a new milestone.
Next steps: 1 month, 3 months, temple recommend, attend the temple! One step at a time. One day at a time. Only with the Lord's help.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Father Be With Me
Saturday, 19 Oct 2013, 7:00 PM
I was feeling tempted and the Spirit said to write. I'm not sure how this came out, but here is what I wrote:
Father be with me,
That I may be free.
Hold me, secure me,
O please hear my plea!
Guide me this day,
'Fore I lose my way.
Help me see the light
'Fore I lose the fight!
I see myself falling,
I hear thy voice calling.
Lift me and guide me,
Ne'er leave me be!
I am weakened dear Father,
I have no strength.
Support me and lift,
Bestow thy great gift!
Ever I need thee,
Yet ever I leave thee!
Do not let despair,
My sins lead to err!
Take my hand dear Lord,
And give me thy Word:
The blood of thy Son,
Which heals everyone!
My Father, I pray now,
In humility bow:
Father be with me,
And I will be free.
I was feeling tempted and the Spirit said to write. I'm not sure how this came out, but here is what I wrote:
That I may be free.
Hold me, secure me,
O please hear my plea!
Guide me this day,
'Fore I lose my way.
Help me see the light
'Fore I lose the fight!
I see myself falling,
I hear thy voice calling.
Lift me and guide me,
Ne'er leave me be!
I am weakened dear Father,
I have no strength.
Support me and lift,
Bestow thy great gift!
Ever I need thee,
Yet ever I leave thee!
Do not let despair,
My sins lead to err!
Take my hand dear Lord,
And give me thy Word:
The blood of thy Son,
Which heals everyone!
My Father, I pray now,
In humility bow:
Father be with me,
And I will be free.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Revisiting Step 1
Tuesday, 15 Oct 2013, 4:14pm
It has been a long time since I have written on this blog. Rather, it has been a long time since I have spent enough thought about the addiction to make any real progress. On my last post, I was getting ready to take the sacrament. I am not there. In fact, I have been much worse lately than I was a while back.
I have not been able to go past five days for quite some time. I keep blaming the slips on this and that. Quite frankly, I can blame it on all I want. But if I am going to be truly honest, it is because I have not been trying or trusting in the Lord. I have been having a really hard time letting go and handing the issue over to the Lord. I will trust the Lord concerning tithing, safety, and taking care of my family. However, when it comes to my own addictions, I am selfish. I have been keeping the Lord out and not letting Him heal me.
The real reason I keep slipping is because I want to do this on my own even when I know I can't. I flirt with temptation. It flirts back. Then I get bit. Putting my hand in a pot of boiling water will always get it burned. Isn't that how the saying goes: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." --Unknown
Then there is my girlfriend. I keep asking her how she can put up with me. She keeps telling me there is nothing to put up with. Realistically, I have only been actively trying to overcome the addiction since I have been with her. I can think I can pull the wool over her eyes as much as I want, but she is too smart for that. I should know better. How can I be in a drunken state and expect to think more clearly than someone who is perfectly sober? But it doesn't end there. Each time I slip I immediately report it to her. It breaks her heart, I'm sure, and it breaks mine to tell her; but she quickly forgives me, tells me that I am loved, and encourages me to move on. I am getting better, but it is slow. Another thing she does is ask what I have learned. I will try to shirk the answer every time, but she pries it out of me. I like to think that each slip is just that, then it's over, and I move on. She annalyzes the situations and looks for patterns for me to recognize how to avoid that particular situation in the future. I hope it is getting through my thick skull.
I finally got a sponsor to help me, but I'm not sure if I chose the right person. I think I will have to go with someone else soon. Maybe when I attend group this week, I will ask another brother who is there. Nevertheless, I told my sponsor that though I have been writing these blogs and working the steps in my own way, I have never really answered the questions in the "Study and Understanding" section of the Addiction Recovery manual. Therefore, I told him that though I am probably realistically floating between steps 3 and 5, I should start with Step 1, actually think out those questions, and go from there.
Here is a response to the questions in the Study and Understanding section of Step 1:
I. The addiction truly is a trap. I feel trapped all the time. In fact, the main reason I gave myself for not giving it up earlier was the fact that I was so trapped in it that I would never get out. Truthfully, I sat down one day and decided (and I shudder to think I did) that I actually preferred seeing pictures more than I enjoyed exercising the Priesthood. It hurts to think that I even thought that way once. I can't believe I did. Thankfully, I have overcome that aspect of it. The trouble now is that the desire is not fully gone. I have instead replaced it with hatred of the filth. My girlfriend has reminded me that that hatred is not healthy and is not one of the fruits of the Spirit. Rather I should love God instead and trust that the future overcoming of the addiction become a strength for helping others instead of something to be loathed.
II. The situations which weaken me into giving into the addiction are feelings of estrangement. In my mind, the addiction was my "friend." It was always there. It never judged me. I could spend as much time with it as I wanted. It never complained. It accepted me for who I was. Oh how I was wrong! What it did is rip me away from others. It preoccupied all my time and had a choke hold on my life. It couldn't be left alone. It encouraged me to be selfish and lonely.
III. A scripture regularly goes through my mind which I have found, through my own experience, to be very, very, very true:
Matthew 6:24 -- "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon."
If I am to get anywhere in this addiction, I MUST turn my life over to the Lord and SERVE Him. Trusting Him to take it away is not enough. I must be willing to do what He says. That's how covenants work.
IV. Nothingness vs. Infinite Worth
Really, I have learned quickly that I am nothing. This addiction has beat me down so many times, I have learned that I am nothing when it comes to overcoming it on my own. Moses realized how majestic and powerful the Lord is. I am learning that myself. It's not that I am insignificant, that is not the case. It is that the Lord understands so much better than I do. He was just waiting for me to realize it and come to Him for help. As I do, I will be better able to grasp it. I think the main idea I need consider here is that I need to look UP toward heaven rather than DOWN in sorrow due to the addiction.
V. I know what it is like to be thirsty. I experienced it on a 50-mile hike when I was a teenager. I have never wanted water as much as then or ever since. Sadly, I have not had thirst for the gospel to that intensity. When I reach that point, I know I will be ready to do anything to overcome my issues. I think as I begin to sober, I will begin to recognize the empty void I have left behind more clearly. Only then, will I thirst for that which satiates the soul. Only then will I be completely honest in my dealing with others and with myself that I am sincerely working on being clean.
VI. Honesty goes a long way. I rarely completely lied about having an addiction, but I was pretty good at changing the subject. I played the hypocrite for a long, long time. Sometimes I feel like I am still in that state. In many ways I am. Sexual addiction is a very private addiction. To be honest with others makes it public and helps me overcome the double-standard I had been living for so long. It hurts to admit it. It hurts others when it is made known. But wounds can only be treated if they are tended to.
VII. I think I am in the state of being compelled to be humble. I have been sitting on the fence of letting the Lord heal me for so long, the Lord has decided to start poking me with a stick so that I will lose my balance and finally start moving in His direction. Except sometimes that stick seems to be the trunk of a giant redwood! After attending group meetings and reading other blogs, I have learned that my particular situation is quite typical even if it feels like a mountain to me. But as I listen to some of the mountains others have climbed and how much taller they are than mine, I find some hope. At times, I pile on a little more dirt onto my mountain and make it taller for myself. At times, the Lord reminds me that I need the proper equipment for climbing. In order to be completely humble about it though, I definitely need to invite the Lord along for the hike.
VIII. There has not been one priesthood ordination, setting apart, blessing, or otherwise I have received in the past 10 years where I was not told the Lord was pleased with my progress and efforts. There have been a few where I was told He wanted me to get to work and try harder. The Lord is the ultimate example of forgiveness. He delights in all righteousness. As I produce good fruit, the Lord delights in it. I need to as well.
It has been a long time since I have written on this blog. Rather, it has been a long time since I have spent enough thought about the addiction to make any real progress. On my last post, I was getting ready to take the sacrament. I am not there. In fact, I have been much worse lately than I was a while back.
I have not been able to go past five days for quite some time. I keep blaming the slips on this and that. Quite frankly, I can blame it on all I want. But if I am going to be truly honest, it is because I have not been trying or trusting in the Lord. I have been having a really hard time letting go and handing the issue over to the Lord. I will trust the Lord concerning tithing, safety, and taking care of my family. However, when it comes to my own addictions, I am selfish. I have been keeping the Lord out and not letting Him heal me.
The real reason I keep slipping is because I want to do this on my own even when I know I can't. I flirt with temptation. It flirts back. Then I get bit. Putting my hand in a pot of boiling water will always get it burned. Isn't that how the saying goes: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." --Unknown
Then there is my girlfriend. I keep asking her how she can put up with me. She keeps telling me there is nothing to put up with. Realistically, I have only been actively trying to overcome the addiction since I have been with her. I can think I can pull the wool over her eyes as much as I want, but she is too smart for that. I should know better. How can I be in a drunken state and expect to think more clearly than someone who is perfectly sober? But it doesn't end there. Each time I slip I immediately report it to her. It breaks her heart, I'm sure, and it breaks mine to tell her; but she quickly forgives me, tells me that I am loved, and encourages me to move on. I am getting better, but it is slow. Another thing she does is ask what I have learned. I will try to shirk the answer every time, but she pries it out of me. I like to think that each slip is just that, then it's over, and I move on. She annalyzes the situations and looks for patterns for me to recognize how to avoid that particular situation in the future. I hope it is getting through my thick skull.
I finally got a sponsor to help me, but I'm not sure if I chose the right person. I think I will have to go with someone else soon. Maybe when I attend group this week, I will ask another brother who is there. Nevertheless, I told my sponsor that though I have been writing these blogs and working the steps in my own way, I have never really answered the questions in the "Study and Understanding" section of the Addiction Recovery manual. Therefore, I told him that though I am probably realistically floating between steps 3 and 5, I should start with Step 1, actually think out those questions, and go from there.
Here is a response to the questions in the Study and Understanding section of Step 1:
I. The addiction truly is a trap. I feel trapped all the time. In fact, the main reason I gave myself for not giving it up earlier was the fact that I was so trapped in it that I would never get out. Truthfully, I sat down one day and decided (and I shudder to think I did) that I actually preferred seeing pictures more than I enjoyed exercising the Priesthood. It hurts to think that I even thought that way once. I can't believe I did. Thankfully, I have overcome that aspect of it. The trouble now is that the desire is not fully gone. I have instead replaced it with hatred of the filth. My girlfriend has reminded me that that hatred is not healthy and is not one of the fruits of the Spirit. Rather I should love God instead and trust that the future overcoming of the addiction become a strength for helping others instead of something to be loathed.
II. The situations which weaken me into giving into the addiction are feelings of estrangement. In my mind, the addiction was my "friend." It was always there. It never judged me. I could spend as much time with it as I wanted. It never complained. It accepted me for who I was. Oh how I was wrong! What it did is rip me away from others. It preoccupied all my time and had a choke hold on my life. It couldn't be left alone. It encouraged me to be selfish and lonely.
III. A scripture regularly goes through my mind which I have found, through my own experience, to be very, very, very true:
Matthew 6:24 -- "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon."
If I am to get anywhere in this addiction, I MUST turn my life over to the Lord and SERVE Him. Trusting Him to take it away is not enough. I must be willing to do what He says. That's how covenants work.
IV. Nothingness vs. Infinite Worth
Really, I have learned quickly that I am nothing. This addiction has beat me down so many times, I have learned that I am nothing when it comes to overcoming it on my own. Moses realized how majestic and powerful the Lord is. I am learning that myself. It's not that I am insignificant, that is not the case. It is that the Lord understands so much better than I do. He was just waiting for me to realize it and come to Him for help. As I do, I will be better able to grasp it. I think the main idea I need consider here is that I need to look UP toward heaven rather than DOWN in sorrow due to the addiction.
V. I know what it is like to be thirsty. I experienced it on a 50-mile hike when I was a teenager. I have never wanted water as much as then or ever since. Sadly, I have not had thirst for the gospel to that intensity. When I reach that point, I know I will be ready to do anything to overcome my issues. I think as I begin to sober, I will begin to recognize the empty void I have left behind more clearly. Only then, will I thirst for that which satiates the soul. Only then will I be completely honest in my dealing with others and with myself that I am sincerely working on being clean.
VI. Honesty goes a long way. I rarely completely lied about having an addiction, but I was pretty good at changing the subject. I played the hypocrite for a long, long time. Sometimes I feel like I am still in that state. In many ways I am. Sexual addiction is a very private addiction. To be honest with others makes it public and helps me overcome the double-standard I had been living for so long. It hurts to admit it. It hurts others when it is made known. But wounds can only be treated if they are tended to.
VII. I think I am in the state of being compelled to be humble. I have been sitting on the fence of letting the Lord heal me for so long, the Lord has decided to start poking me with a stick so that I will lose my balance and finally start moving in His direction. Except sometimes that stick seems to be the trunk of a giant redwood! After attending group meetings and reading other blogs, I have learned that my particular situation is quite typical even if it feels like a mountain to me. But as I listen to some of the mountains others have climbed and how much taller they are than mine, I find some hope. At times, I pile on a little more dirt onto my mountain and make it taller for myself. At times, the Lord reminds me that I need the proper equipment for climbing. In order to be completely humble about it though, I definitely need to invite the Lord along for the hike.
VIII. There has not been one priesthood ordination, setting apart, blessing, or otherwise I have received in the past 10 years where I was not told the Lord was pleased with my progress and efforts. There have been a few where I was told He wanted me to get to work and try harder. The Lord is the ultimate example of forgiveness. He delights in all righteousness. As I produce good fruit, the Lord delights in it. I need to as well.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Next Step: The Sacrament
Sunday, 1 Sep 2013, 8:09 PM:
So it's been a while since I last posted anything. Now here I am ready to tell what's been going on with my progress and failures. As it turns out, I am doing much better, but I have not been paying enough attention to making sure I don't set off any unnecessary triggers.
I was at five days sober and I was feeling pretty good. In fact, I wasn't even interested in pornography. It has been a great blessing having the filter in place on my computer. Just knowing that my girlfriend can remotely check on me whenever she wants has been a great deterrent in giving in to temptation. Of course, there is more to it. I immediately reverted to old sources: magazines. I will never subscribe to a certain magazine (which I will not mention) for one good reason: they love to print pictures of naked tribal people in their "natural" environments.
Well, schools everywhere have subscriptions to this magazine wouldn't you know. And I have to make copies of assignments regularly for my classes. During one of my copying sessions, early in the morning, I discovered the archives of this particular magazine. My mind immediately generated old photos which haunted me from the early days of my addiction. I went straight to an issue I had poured over when I was a teenager. All the awful pictures I was so enthralled with before were present in the copy our school has. But, I could only know that because I gave in and looked.
Well, no more. That was over 12 days ago. And I am otherwise looking forward to nine full days of sobriety tomorrow morning. Sundays, for some reason, create a lot of anxiety. This occurs even when there are no activities to do on the following Monday. This anxiety hit today with some temptation, but I put it in its place with some good music and a general conference talk.
I am reminded about what I had mentioned in my group meeting last week. I mentioned I had become somewhat complacent with the sobriety. What has happened is that most days I have little or no desire to even think about the addiction. My will is changing. Because I am not thinking about it, I lose focus. By loosing focus, I make mistakes and set off triggers. Those triggers will only lead to losing my sobriety. I have to keep my eye on my ultimate goal and not give in.
I am looking forward to finally taking the sacrament in church this up-coming week. It has been almost three years since I have taken the sacrament. I miss having the opportunity to officially partake in making a covenant with my Heavenly Father that I am willing to take upon me the name of Christ, to always remember Him, and in return, always have His Spirit to be with me! One more week. After I survive tomorrow, I will be entering the longest length of time being sober in years. I will get there. Next step: the Sacrament!
So it's been a while since I last posted anything. Now here I am ready to tell what's been going on with my progress and failures. As it turns out, I am doing much better, but I have not been paying enough attention to making sure I don't set off any unnecessary triggers.
I was at five days sober and I was feeling pretty good. In fact, I wasn't even interested in pornography. It has been a great blessing having the filter in place on my computer. Just knowing that my girlfriend can remotely check on me whenever she wants has been a great deterrent in giving in to temptation. Of course, there is more to it. I immediately reverted to old sources: magazines. I will never subscribe to a certain magazine (which I will not mention) for one good reason: they love to print pictures of naked tribal people in their "natural" environments.
Well, schools everywhere have subscriptions to this magazine wouldn't you know. And I have to make copies of assignments regularly for my classes. During one of my copying sessions, early in the morning, I discovered the archives of this particular magazine. My mind immediately generated old photos which haunted me from the early days of my addiction. I went straight to an issue I had poured over when I was a teenager. All the awful pictures I was so enthralled with before were present in the copy our school has. But, I could only know that because I gave in and looked.
Well, no more. That was over 12 days ago. And I am otherwise looking forward to nine full days of sobriety tomorrow morning. Sundays, for some reason, create a lot of anxiety. This occurs even when there are no activities to do on the following Monday. This anxiety hit today with some temptation, but I put it in its place with some good music and a general conference talk.
I am reminded about what I had mentioned in my group meeting last week. I mentioned I had become somewhat complacent with the sobriety. What has happened is that most days I have little or no desire to even think about the addiction. My will is changing. Because I am not thinking about it, I lose focus. By loosing focus, I make mistakes and set off triggers. Those triggers will only lead to losing my sobriety. I have to keep my eye on my ultimate goal and not give in.
I am looking forward to finally taking the sacrament in church this up-coming week. It has been almost three years since I have taken the sacrament. I miss having the opportunity to officially partake in making a covenant with my Heavenly Father that I am willing to take upon me the name of Christ, to always remember Him, and in return, always have His Spirit to be with me! One more week. After I survive tomorrow, I will be entering the longest length of time being sober in years. I will get there. Next step: the Sacrament!
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Block it Out
Saturday, 17 Aug 2013, 2:09 PM
So, a couple days ago, my girlfriend convinced me that it might be time to add a page blocker to my internet. I've always been living by the lie I told myself that I am strong enough to overcome the temptation to look. This is such a silly thing to live by. Had that been true, I wouldn't have the addiction in the first place would I? At any rate, a few days ago, I was doing another random search and one thing led to another. Now I'm back to Day 3 of being sober again, but it feels a little different.
I've always referred to the addiction to pornography as a private sin. This is something I have always done by myself. I don't share it with anyone, I don't advertise that I do it, I sneak around to do it, I wait until there is absolutely nobody watching before indulging. And if that isn't enough, as soon as I do it, even though I currently live alone, I will delete browser history etc. etc. etc. Basically, I had convinced myself that because this was a private sin, I could overcome it privately.
Well, my girlfriend had come across a free service that will block specific websites at differing levels. At first I wanted to give in to my "I'm-strong-enough attitude". In fact, it took three or four days before I was willing to even admit to her that it was a good idea. I always knew it would be a good idea. I just didn't want to give in to the truth that I need a parental blocker installed on my computer. But if I'm going to complain and whine like a child, then I must not be that grown-up am I?
The day after I last slipped (more of a delayed binge), Stephanie came over to set it up. She asked me whether I wanted the control over the password or if she should just do it. She reminded me that by having it, it gives me one more second of time to decide not to give in. Then she mentioned that she could add a personalized message to appear when clicking on an inappropriate site. This was a selling point for me. Thank goodness my commonsense kicked in. I told her not to give me the password. I know myself. If I have the password, I'll use it.
Well, she got it done in just a few minutes' time. When she was done, she did some testing and looking around her administration capabilities. She even handed it to me to add specific websites I knew were weaknesses already. Thankfully they were already on the blocked list.
It was then she discovered the most important piece of information: she can view a web history as an administrator, even remotely. This little piece of information is going to be a life-saver for me. The sin is no longer private. I now have to be more careful. There is no more hiding the sin. In fact, I see this as a way to increase trust between us. I have to trust her not to pry into everything I do on the Internet (even though I gave her permission to do so) and she has to trust me enough not to go searching for things I ought not. Obviously, if she thinks I am not keeping my end she can check. I, however, plan on being honest enough about the whole situation that this will not need to be the case.
Now, when I sit down at the computer I am a little more relieved. I know that if I am contemplating messing up, someone could be watching. I am not alone anymore.
So, a couple days ago, my girlfriend convinced me that it might be time to add a page blocker to my internet. I've always been living by the lie I told myself that I am strong enough to overcome the temptation to look. This is such a silly thing to live by. Had that been true, I wouldn't have the addiction in the first place would I? At any rate, a few days ago, I was doing another random search and one thing led to another. Now I'm back to Day 3 of being sober again, but it feels a little different.
I've always referred to the addiction to pornography as a private sin. This is something I have always done by myself. I don't share it with anyone, I don't advertise that I do it, I sneak around to do it, I wait until there is absolutely nobody watching before indulging. And if that isn't enough, as soon as I do it, even though I currently live alone, I will delete browser history etc. etc. etc. Basically, I had convinced myself that because this was a private sin, I could overcome it privately.
Well, my girlfriend had come across a free service that will block specific websites at differing levels. At first I wanted to give in to my "I'm-strong-enough attitude". In fact, it took three or four days before I was willing to even admit to her that it was a good idea. I always knew it would be a good idea. I just didn't want to give in to the truth that I need a parental blocker installed on my computer. But if I'm going to complain and whine like a child, then I must not be that grown-up am I?
The day after I last slipped (more of a delayed binge), Stephanie came over to set it up. She asked me whether I wanted the control over the password or if she should just do it. She reminded me that by having it, it gives me one more second of time to decide not to give in. Then she mentioned that she could add a personalized message to appear when clicking on an inappropriate site. This was a selling point for me. Thank goodness my commonsense kicked in. I told her not to give me the password. I know myself. If I have the password, I'll use it.
Well, she got it done in just a few minutes' time. When she was done, she did some testing and looking around her administration capabilities. She even handed it to me to add specific websites I knew were weaknesses already. Thankfully they were already on the blocked list.
It was then she discovered the most important piece of information: she can view a web history as an administrator, even remotely. This little piece of information is going to be a life-saver for me. The sin is no longer private. I now have to be more careful. There is no more hiding the sin. In fact, I see this as a way to increase trust between us. I have to trust her not to pry into everything I do on the Internet (even though I gave her permission to do so) and she has to trust me enough not to go searching for things I ought not. Obviously, if she thinks I am not keeping my end she can check. I, however, plan on being honest enough about the whole situation that this will not need to be the case.
Now, when I sit down at the computer I am a little more relieved. I know that if I am contemplating messing up, someone could be watching. I am not alone anymore.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Temple Temptation
12 Aug 2013, 5:49 AM
So, a couple months back, as one of my goals, I decided to make it to the temple at least once a month. I can not go in at this time, but if I keep the habit, then I will be able to keep going once I can. It is at least worth it to get dressed, travel the two hours to get there and wander the grounds.
I have noticed, however, that Satan definitely does not like me to go. The pattern this last few months has been me dragging my feet about going and then, when I get home, those are the very nights I end up slipping.
Yesterday's trip was worth it, as they always are. I got to see family and spend time with Stephanie. She goes in and has been waiting patiently for me to be worthy to go in too.
The battle is real. But with the temple in sight and in the plan, I know I will get inside someday. The Lord has told me many times my answers will be given there. I need to get there to receive them!
So, a couple months back, as one of my goals, I decided to make it to the temple at least once a month. I can not go in at this time, but if I keep the habit, then I will be able to keep going once I can. It is at least worth it to get dressed, travel the two hours to get there and wander the grounds.
I have noticed, however, that Satan definitely does not like me to go. The pattern this last few months has been me dragging my feet about going and then, when I get home, those are the very nights I end up slipping.
Yesterday's trip was worth it, as they always are. I got to see family and spend time with Stephanie. She goes in and has been waiting patiently for me to be worthy to go in too.
The battle is real. But with the temple in sight and in the plan, I know I will get inside someday. The Lord has told me many times my answers will be given there. I need to get there to receive them!
Friday, August 9, 2013
Scheduling
9 Aug 2013, 4:46 AM
Yesterday I attended group as usual. I like my Thursday night group. The problem is that now that school has started, my extra-curricular activities might interfere. I would like to continue meeting with this group because I like the format they have. After we have the sharing portion of the meeting we have a question-and-answer portion where we can ask the group questions and get direct advice. Other groups in town do not follow this pattern. I have another day of the week I can easily adjust to, but the only meetings on that night are very far away.
I originally attended e support group when it was still in its creation phase, back when it was co-ed even. That was very disturbing and awkward. It is very hard to admit that you have an addiction to pornography when there are women there. I quit going after only a month or two of those meetings. A few years later, I started going again out of guilt but then quit again because I didn't allow the group to help. Then I made it s summers only thing using the fact that because I commute to another town to teach, I couldn't attend group meetings. I found every excuse I could not to go.
It wasn't until this year that I started to appreciate group meetings and enjoy going. I feel the Spirit there when I go, I see familiar faces, I feel of others' testimonies, and several there actually discuss their successes since we have some who come who have been sober for years. It is interesting now that instead of trying to find excuses not to go, I am trying to determine how I am going to adjust my schedule so that I can always go.
I also kind of laughed at myself yesterday when I went because I was a little bit early. It used to be that I would pull up and try to hide the recovery manual and rush into the building so nobody saw me. This time I decided to just shoe up early and take a quick nap in the car while waiting for the doors to open. This must be a sign of recovery. I have become comfortable with my state in life and confident in the fact that I am on the road to recovery.
I hope I can find a way to continue meeting with my current group.
Yesterday I attended group as usual. I like my Thursday night group. The problem is that now that school has started, my extra-curricular activities might interfere. I would like to continue meeting with this group because I like the format they have. After we have the sharing portion of the meeting we have a question-and-answer portion where we can ask the group questions and get direct advice. Other groups in town do not follow this pattern. I have another day of the week I can easily adjust to, but the only meetings on that night are very far away.
I originally attended e support group when it was still in its creation phase, back when it was co-ed even. That was very disturbing and awkward. It is very hard to admit that you have an addiction to pornography when there are women there. I quit going after only a month or two of those meetings. A few years later, I started going again out of guilt but then quit again because I didn't allow the group to help. Then I made it s summers only thing using the fact that because I commute to another town to teach, I couldn't attend group meetings. I found every excuse I could not to go.
It wasn't until this year that I started to appreciate group meetings and enjoy going. I feel the Spirit there when I go, I see familiar faces, I feel of others' testimonies, and several there actually discuss their successes since we have some who come who have been sober for years. It is interesting now that instead of trying to find excuses not to go, I am trying to determine how I am going to adjust my schedule so that I can always go.
I also kind of laughed at myself yesterday when I went because I was a little bit early. It used to be that I would pull up and try to hide the recovery manual and rush into the building so nobody saw me. This time I decided to just shoe up early and take a quick nap in the car while waiting for the doors to open. This must be a sign of recovery. I have become comfortable with my state in life and confident in the fact that I am on the road to recovery.
I hope I can find a way to continue meeting with my current group.
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