Friday, January 31, 2014, 10:22pm:
I have to come to a realization with myself: I have spent the last few days running away from my emotions and any manner of recovery. Some excuses were legitimate, to balance out my life's activities. Others were just excuses. The problem is: I have been running away.
I have noticed a few trends that follow soberness:
Day 1: Jittery. I have to white-knuckle through the day.
Day 2: Binge. I want to indulge in the recent slip rationalizing that it's "only been one day."
Day 3: Strength. I begin to feel confident in my ability to be clean.
Day 4: Decision. I decide that I am going to make it through.
Day 5: Withdrawals. This is a white-knuckle day. Extra prayer and staying busy is a must.
Day 6: Confidence. Knowing I've made it through Day 5 gives me strength to continue the fight.
Day 7: Second withdrawals. I start getting random, heavy anxiety. Brain chemistry begins to settle and I "want a fix." The dreams begin.
Day 8: Second confidence. Knowing I've beat Day 7 boosts me through the day.
Day 9: Third withdrawals. Now my body craves the addiction. My mind is preoccupied with the addiction. I just want to run away and pretend the addiction doesn't exist. This is the day I have slipped on the most. The dreams get more vivid. I begin to boast in my own strength that I am able to overcome the addiction on my own.
After Day 9, I feel like I have strength. The problem is, the urge to run away seems to take over my whole being. I don't want to admit to myself that I have an addiction in the first place let alone talk with my sponsor, my girlfriend, or my bishop.
What scares me the most are the dreams.
I was told once before that, even in the subconscious, we will only make the decisions we would make in real life. I am beginning to doubt that philosophy. The dreams have given me rationalization to slip before. Plus, when I awake from one, I feel as though I have slipped already.
The dreams begin innocent enough, but are very vivid. Being even slightly sober, I tend to sleep better and have more frequent and vivid dreams of all types; sometimes up to four or five a night which I can remember once I awake. The memories of the dreams are fleeting for most, but some stick like tar in the back of my mind and last for days, weeks, or even years. Those are the dreams I despise. I do not think they are nightmares, only chemical-induced fantasies propagated by the brain's lack of endorphins provided by acting in the addiction.
Nevertheless, I tend to "lose myself" in those dreams. Some, like last night's, are simply the variety of "being in the right place at the right time" where I get to spy on someone. Some are devious, where I prey, seduce, and deceive. As mentioned before, they all begin innocent. In the dream I will be talking and one thing will lead to another where I find myself alone with a girl. Very rarely have I had the strength in those dreams to resist.
The feelings of guilt for acting out within the dream are sometimes strong enough to make me think that I have given in for that season of soberness and must therefore confess my "sin" and start the count over as though I am on Day 1 again. The problem is, that since the images were created in my mind, and I have an addiction to them, I remember them for a long, long time. I have prayed many times not to receive them and for help to forget them. The Lord always helps.
Unfortunately, the more sober I become, the more frequently the dreams appear. I have a theory that they will fade over months as my body learns it does not need those chemicals caused by such "excitement" to be satisfied.
My cowardly decision to run away kicks in about then. I feel happy being free and want to run away from blog posting, group meetings, and check-ins on sobriety just so I don't have to think about the addiction.
I need to make sure I do not give into the pride this time. It is not worth it.
Thankfully, there are two other types of dreams which flash in my mind during periods of sobriety: playing with and raising my future children, and going on a second, third, or even fourth mission (depending on how the dream plays out). Perhaps I should concentrate on those. I've had them this week as well.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Shown My Weaknesses
January 21, 2014, 6:15 pm:
I have decided that I need to begin working on Step Six items even while working Steps Four and Five. The one I chose to comment on today is the concept from Ether 12:27:
I wonder how I am with accepting the awakening of this verse. I find myself sometimes not wanting to be humble. Being humble means that I have to take responsibility for my actions as well as actively try to change my behaviors. Of course, that's the whole point of recovery. If there is no movement, no growth, and no change, then the only thing left is self-pity, doubt, regret, and all the other consequences of participating in the addiction.
Do I really want to know my weaknesses? Step Four is definitely good for that one. But I really understand the why men have weaknesses already....
Several years ago, one of my bishops pointed out in a way how my own addiction had become a blessing in my life. I mentioned to him that night that I understood the basics of the atonement and knew and understood the importance of it. My problem was that I didn't seem to understand what difference it made for me in my life. He related to me that nobody really understands the atonement until it has worked for them. Though my test was not the test he was given, it was still there to help me understand just how much I needed to rely on the Savior and turn my life over to him. It was a way for me to learn that I need Him! I could abstain the rest of my life and live perfectly from now on, but the only one who can erase the past is Christ. I have to trust in Him.
This is how a weak thing can be made strong. I am weak in my addiction, but as I learn to turn it over the The Lord, I become strong in testimony and faith.
I have decided that I need to begin working on Step Six items even while working Steps Four and Five. The one I chose to comment on today is the concept from Ether 12:27:
" And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
I wonder how I am with accepting the awakening of this verse. I find myself sometimes not wanting to be humble. Being humble means that I have to take responsibility for my actions as well as actively try to change my behaviors. Of course, that's the whole point of recovery. If there is no movement, no growth, and no change, then the only thing left is self-pity, doubt, regret, and all the other consequences of participating in the addiction.
Do I really want to know my weaknesses? Step Four is definitely good for that one. But I really understand the why men have weaknesses already....
Several years ago, one of my bishops pointed out in a way how my own addiction had become a blessing in my life. I mentioned to him that night that I understood the basics of the atonement and knew and understood the importance of it. My problem was that I didn't seem to understand what difference it made for me in my life. He related to me that nobody really understands the atonement until it has worked for them. Though my test was not the test he was given, it was still there to help me understand just how much I needed to rely on the Savior and turn my life over to him. It was a way for me to learn that I need Him! I could abstain the rest of my life and live perfectly from now on, but the only one who can erase the past is Christ. I have to trust in Him.
This is how a weak thing can be made strong. I am weak in my addiction, but as I learn to turn it over the The Lord, I become strong in testimony and faith.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Moving Forward
January 14, 2013, 8:21 pm:
This entry is intended to be short, though I have been thinking about it since last Thursday. Basically, I decided that I can go ahead and move forward in the 12 Step program past Step 3. I kept thinking that I was stuck in Step 3 trying to accept the Lord as my Savior and Redeemer. I had done that. What I was really confused about was knowing when I had given enough over to Him to know that He guided me along my path.
We covered Step 6 in group last week and I realized that most of my fixations have centered around concepts found within there. That is where I turn over completely to The Lord and wholeheartedly obey the commandments as a new lifestyle. I realized that that can only come after Steps 4 and 5 are completed. It finally made sense to me. I have to find my faults, give them up, and then confess sins completely before I can officially turn myself over to the new lifestyle.
The explanation of the realization does not come out as clearly as the inspiration was. Of course, that is rarely ever the case for anything. At any rate, it became clear to me to revisit working out a moral inventory and then present future plans to my bishop. My plan seems rather basic to anyone reading it, but for some reason it sticks out as inspiration in my mind.
It feels good to move on and not feel so stagnant.
....okay, my ramblings are over. My mind is racing a million miles a second and yet, I can't think of anything! Sometimes you just have to brainstorm and get things officially written out. Thank goodness for a journal (and my girlfriend reminding me to write in it!).
This entry is intended to be short, though I have been thinking about it since last Thursday. Basically, I decided that I can go ahead and move forward in the 12 Step program past Step 3. I kept thinking that I was stuck in Step 3 trying to accept the Lord as my Savior and Redeemer. I had done that. What I was really confused about was knowing when I had given enough over to Him to know that He guided me along my path.
We covered Step 6 in group last week and I realized that most of my fixations have centered around concepts found within there. That is where I turn over completely to The Lord and wholeheartedly obey the commandments as a new lifestyle. I realized that that can only come after Steps 4 and 5 are completed. It finally made sense to me. I have to find my faults, give them up, and then confess sins completely before I can officially turn myself over to the new lifestyle.
The explanation of the realization does not come out as clearly as the inspiration was. Of course, that is rarely ever the case for anything. At any rate, it became clear to me to revisit working out a moral inventory and then present future plans to my bishop. My plan seems rather basic to anyone reading it, but for some reason it sticks out as inspiration in my mind.
It feels good to move on and not feel so stagnant.
....okay, my ramblings are over. My mind is racing a million miles a second and yet, I can't think of anything! Sometimes you just have to brainstorm and get things officially written out. Thank goodness for a journal (and my girlfriend reminding me to write in it!).
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Ask for Deliverance
January 7, 2014, 7:32 pm:
So, a question in the addiction recovery manual asks what it is that keeps me from crying mightily in humble prayer for deliverance from bondage and what has kept me from doing so in the past. I really don't know the answer.
The obvious answer is pride. Of course pride had prevented me from asking in the past, but now it's only part of the problem. Perhaps it had something to do with not wanting to be humble. Perhaps I was so set in my ways in the past that I had no real desire to change. Perhaps, though, it is because it is too easy not to. I had convinced myself that it was not worth it.
The truth of the matter is that I do want to change. I can change. I know The Lord will be there for me.
So, a question in the addiction recovery manual asks what it is that keeps me from crying mightily in humble prayer for deliverance from bondage and what has kept me from doing so in the past. I really don't know the answer.
The obvious answer is pride. Of course pride had prevented me from asking in the past, but now it's only part of the problem. Perhaps it had something to do with not wanting to be humble. Perhaps I was so set in my ways in the past that I had no real desire to change. Perhaps, though, it is because it is too easy not to. I had convinced myself that it was not worth it.
The truth of the matter is that I do want to change. I can change. I know The Lord will be there for me.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Let it Go
December 31, 2013, 8:49 pm:
This is the end of a year, a season, a time, an age, an era. It is time to let things go. Perhaps making New Year's Resolutions are not quite the idea I need, rather saying goodbye to the old would be better.
Too many times have I stood at the brink of a new dawn and said "hello" to the oncoming future with bright expectations, wishes, and desires. Yet, inside of me was always the doubt, worry, and angst. I wanted a new life, would greet it at the door, then within only a few moments, would walk away, turn my back on it, and return to the old, familiar walk I used to know.
This time, I think I will say goodbye to the old, end this year tipping my hat to what has befallen my lot in life. This way, when I stand ready to embrace the future I will be able to. The future itself will be able to greet me with open arms and wide smile, that, in my opinion, would quite a bit like the Savior's own greeting!
This past year has got to be one of the worst in my addiction and the best. It was the first time I was willing to actually sit down and make decisions. I decided, around February that I was completely lost. I did not seem to care about The Lord, His Church, or anything around me. I lived a lie. I would go through motions, pretend to fulfill my callings at church, pretend to be honest in my dealings with others. I lived the life of a hypocrite. I taught the principles of the gospel and refused to live them. My secret life of addiction pulled me away from reality and slowly, carefully, seductively, wrapped its scaly tentacled arm around my shoulder, told me I was satisfied with my lot and tricked me into a false sense of security, pride, and empowerment. I was trapped in its web and slowly, carefully, building my cocoon of self-pity and despair. I had decided that I was officially addicted. I admitted it. It belonged to me. I chose to be there. I did it to myself. I owned it. And nothing I could do would take me away from it because in my mind, there was no life except for the life which I had woven. I literally could not imagine possibly giving it up.
Little did I know, that that feeling, choice, and decision was the first step into my own salvation. My Bishop called me into his office one day. He had only one thing to say to me: "I feel inspired to tell you this: if you don't do it now, you never will." I nodded my head. And this sunk so deep into my heart that I felt like I had drown in spiritual enlightenment. I knew that what he had said was true and that then, that night was the last chance I had to make a decision on my own before I would fully pass judgement on myself. And he was right: I had to do it now.
I then discovered that it was not possible for me to overcome the addiction by myself. I had to change. I knew I was addicted but could not find a way to change my every-day habits!
A month and a half passed. Suddenly, one day, I was able to openly admit that I had a problem to the Lord. I received a girlfriend!
Another month passed. I was now dedicated to overcoming the addiction. I set in place many goals for myself. I became a full-tithe payer again!
Three months passed with me never missing a group meeting, never missing a day of scripture study, and never missing morning or nightly prayers. I had visited a temple each of those months.
One more month passed and I received earthly trials. Then for the first time in over 10 years, I went a full two weeks without giving in to temptation. In fact, I was able to go 19 days!
Currently, I have slipped into old habits and lustful ways. But there is an end. I can go longer periods without giving in or even considering it. I do not have to think and concentrate as hard as I did to withstand temptation!
I started the year with a feeling of woe, experienced the comforting blanket-warmth of the Holy Ghost and holy angels watching over me, and ended with a new me. The new me is not the me I had always hoped to be, the the new me is definitely not the one who made empty promises at the beginning of the year only to break them within 48 hours. This new me is fresh and ready for a new start.
This is the end of a year, a season, a time, an age, an era. It is time to let things go. Perhaps making New Year's Resolutions are not quite the idea I need, rather saying goodbye to the old would be better.
Too many times have I stood at the brink of a new dawn and said "hello" to the oncoming future with bright expectations, wishes, and desires. Yet, inside of me was always the doubt, worry, and angst. I wanted a new life, would greet it at the door, then within only a few moments, would walk away, turn my back on it, and return to the old, familiar walk I used to know.
This time, I think I will say goodbye to the old, end this year tipping my hat to what has befallen my lot in life. This way, when I stand ready to embrace the future I will be able to. The future itself will be able to greet me with open arms and wide smile, that, in my opinion, would quite a bit like the Savior's own greeting!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
This past year has got to be one of the worst in my addiction and the best. It was the first time I was willing to actually sit down and make decisions. I decided, around February that I was completely lost. I did not seem to care about The Lord, His Church, or anything around me. I lived a lie. I would go through motions, pretend to fulfill my callings at church, pretend to be honest in my dealings with others. I lived the life of a hypocrite. I taught the principles of the gospel and refused to live them. My secret life of addiction pulled me away from reality and slowly, carefully, seductively, wrapped its scaly tentacled arm around my shoulder, told me I was satisfied with my lot and tricked me into a false sense of security, pride, and empowerment. I was trapped in its web and slowly, carefully, building my cocoon of self-pity and despair. I had decided that I was officially addicted. I admitted it. It belonged to me. I chose to be there. I did it to myself. I owned it. And nothing I could do would take me away from it because in my mind, there was no life except for the life which I had woven. I literally could not imagine possibly giving it up.
Little did I know, that that feeling, choice, and decision was the first step into my own salvation. My Bishop called me into his office one day. He had only one thing to say to me: "I feel inspired to tell you this: if you don't do it now, you never will." I nodded my head. And this sunk so deep into my heart that I felt like I had drown in spiritual enlightenment. I knew that what he had said was true and that then, that night was the last chance I had to make a decision on my own before I would fully pass judgement on myself. And he was right: I had to do it now.
I then discovered that it was not possible for me to overcome the addiction by myself. I had to change. I knew I was addicted but could not find a way to change my every-day habits!
A month and a half passed. Suddenly, one day, I was able to openly admit that I had a problem to the Lord. I received a girlfriend!
Another month passed. I was now dedicated to overcoming the addiction. I set in place many goals for myself. I became a full-tithe payer again!
Three months passed with me never missing a group meeting, never missing a day of scripture study, and never missing morning or nightly prayers. I had visited a temple each of those months.
One more month passed and I received earthly trials. Then for the first time in over 10 years, I went a full two weeks without giving in to temptation. In fact, I was able to go 19 days!
Currently, I have slipped into old habits and lustful ways. But there is an end. I can go longer periods without giving in or even considering it. I do not have to think and concentrate as hard as I did to withstand temptation!
I started the year with a feeling of woe, experienced the comforting blanket-warmth of the Holy Ghost and holy angels watching over me, and ended with a new me. The new me is not the me I had always hoped to be, the the new me is definitely not the one who made empty promises at the beginning of the year only to break them within 48 hours. This new me is fresh and ready for a new start.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
RING OUT, WILD BELLS,
by: Alfred Tennyson
Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light:
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.
Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
Ring out the grief that saps the mind,
For those that here we see no more;
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.
Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.
Ring out the want, the care, the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes,
But ring the fuller minstrel in.
Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.
Ring out old shapes of foul disease;
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.
Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Farewell, year 2013. You have shown me the error of my ways and helped me on my path back to eternal perfection in Christ! May you be remembered for what you have done for me. Goodbye old friend. We have spent time together--both the good and the bad. May we think on the rough times, dwell on the good, and revel in the knowledge and experience they inspire.
I welcome 2014 with open arms and hope to received in such. May the next year be all I hope it will be. . . .
Friday, December 27, 2013
Listen, Listen, Listen
December 27, 2013, 7:17 am:
Last night I lost it. I am not quite sure what was going on. I wanted to go to bed, but I was completely restless. I could barely sit still. I was not interested in using the computer, the TV, or anything. The worst part is: I did not listen to the Spirit. This is the number 1 thing I need to begin paying more close attention to. Here were the promptings the Spirit gave to me last night which I didn't even realize were promptings until this morning:
1) Begin writing a play for fun (I should have done this one as I write best at night anyway).
2) Text my girlfriend (I rationalized that I didn't want to wake her).
3) Go hang out and wander around the store. Some are open 24 hours (I ignored this one).
4) Go for a walk outside (I rationalized this one away as being too late at night).
5) Start working on a jigsaw puzzle (I actually started this one but was too anxious to continue).
6) Begin cleaning the house (I rationalized this one away as it was already "planned" for the next morning.)
7) Go to bed anyway and just try to go to sleep (I did this one, but I cracked).
Sadly, I used my phone as a back-door. I activated the filter the phone company just came out with and sadly discovered that it doesn't do anything. I had a back-door. I was going nuts and couldn't sleep and resorted to the one thing that I knew could calm me down: my addiction.
My girlfriend always tells me that I need to think of what I learned and think of solutions as to what to do each time. Although I do not like doing so, it is a necessary step and must be done. I also promised to work on my blog when I needed to. Quite frankly, I should have gotten on here to write last night in order to calm myself down.
*So what was different this time? I couldn't sleep. I wouldn't sleep.
*What happened as a result? I entered a restless state where I wanted to fill up the time and become tired. I then gave in to the addiction since I knew it would "solve" both problems.
*Bigger picture: I needed to trust in The Lord. At least seven times the Spirit told me to stop what I was doing and go do something else. Seven times I ignored it.
*What am I going to do the next time this situation arises?
1) Stop pretending I can do this on my own. I'm still not quite ready to completely move beyond Step 3 in the Recovery Program.
2) Listen, listen, listen. I may not always know the difference between intuition or the Spirit, but even my intuition usually leads me down the correct path!
3) Go. Leave. Run away. I decided months ago that if I was tempted to literally get out of the house and run away like Joseph sold into Egypt.
I'm looking forward to getting better. It's a new year coming up. That usually helps inspire me for a season. The good news: I'm still better than I used to be and I'm improving each time!
Last night I lost it. I am not quite sure what was going on. I wanted to go to bed, but I was completely restless. I could barely sit still. I was not interested in using the computer, the TV, or anything. The worst part is: I did not listen to the Spirit. This is the number 1 thing I need to begin paying more close attention to. Here were the promptings the Spirit gave to me last night which I didn't even realize were promptings until this morning:
1) Begin writing a play for fun (I should have done this one as I write best at night anyway).
2) Text my girlfriend (I rationalized that I didn't want to wake her).
3) Go hang out and wander around the store. Some are open 24 hours (I ignored this one).
4) Go for a walk outside (I rationalized this one away as being too late at night).
5) Start working on a jigsaw puzzle (I actually started this one but was too anxious to continue).
6) Begin cleaning the house (I rationalized this one away as it was already "planned" for the next morning.)
7) Go to bed anyway and just try to go to sleep (I did this one, but I cracked).
Sadly, I used my phone as a back-door. I activated the filter the phone company just came out with and sadly discovered that it doesn't do anything. I had a back-door. I was going nuts and couldn't sleep and resorted to the one thing that I knew could calm me down: my addiction.
---------------------------
My girlfriend always tells me that I need to think of what I learned and think of solutions as to what to do each time. Although I do not like doing so, it is a necessary step and must be done. I also promised to work on my blog when I needed to. Quite frankly, I should have gotten on here to write last night in order to calm myself down.
*So what was different this time? I couldn't sleep. I wouldn't sleep.
*What happened as a result? I entered a restless state where I wanted to fill up the time and become tired. I then gave in to the addiction since I knew it would "solve" both problems.
*Bigger picture: I needed to trust in The Lord. At least seven times the Spirit told me to stop what I was doing and go do something else. Seven times I ignored it.
*What am I going to do the next time this situation arises?
1) Stop pretending I can do this on my own. I'm still not quite ready to completely move beyond Step 3 in the Recovery Program.
2) Listen, listen, listen. I may not always know the difference between intuition or the Spirit, but even my intuition usually leads me down the correct path!
3) Go. Leave. Run away. I decided months ago that if I was tempted to literally get out of the house and run away like Joseph sold into Egypt.
I'm looking forward to getting better. It's a new year coming up. That usually helps inspire me for a season. The good news: I'm still better than I used to be and I'm improving each time!
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Let Virtue Garnish Thy Thoughts Unceasingly
December 24, 1013, 6:55 am:
I have been pondering the following scripture for a couple days now:
I have been pondering the following scripture for a couple days now:
45 Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.
Basically I have been trying to figure out how to get closer to God and to start trusting in Him more. I discovered that the answer was too simple. In fact, the answer was so simple, I couldn't come up with it on my own. . . .If I want to "wax strong in the presence of God" all I have to do is "have charity. . .and let virtue garnish [my] thoughts unceasingly"! The promise is clear.
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