March 25, 2014; 8:16 pm:
So I have been feeling very stagnant lately and have not been putting much effort into the actual steps of recovery. I'm guessing that the two go together. So, I opened up the addiction recovery manual and found an interesting question: "How strong is your willingness to yield your heart to God instead of yielding to the addiction in the moment of temptation?"
This is an interesting thought I think I might like to ponder more carefully. It seems that the only slips I have had lately in my soberness have come from these spur-of-the-moment happenings. I have not been purposely seeking out any manner of giving in to the temptations and have removed almost anything that will let it in, so far as is reasonable and practical. However, I find myself not able to put in that one bit of extra effort required in order to overcome these temptations.
Perhaps something comes on TV. Am I able to change the channel? Usually. The problem is that I do not call anyone and tell them that I need someone to talk to in order to overcome the thoughts that have entered into my mind from it.
Perhaps something appears in a game advertisement. Am I able not to look. Usually. The problem is, I take note of how I found the add and leave a calling card as how to return to it.
Perhaps I spy a beautiful daughter of God who has dressed immodestly. Can I look away? Usually. The problem is that I do not always have a prayer in my heart to not dwell on it all day long and allow it to seep into my mind deeper and deeper until it becomes an obsession.
Am I willing to allow myself to turn to God instead of yield to the addiction of the moment? Usually. But I have not been trying hard enough. I have not been praying in the moment. I have not been calling for the support and advice from others in the moment. I have not pulled out my scriptures, sung a hymn, or stared at the myriad of pictures of temples around my house in the moment. I am getting caught up in the moment and using it as an excuse to linger.
I must not linger.
As I learn to call on The Lord and others as these temptations come, it will be easier and easier to avoid them in the future. I know it will. Perhaps this will also eliminate much of the stagnation I have felt as a result of it.
2 comments:
I appreciate your honesty. I also like that quote--it's like the inverse of an idea in the ARP handbook (I think): recovery is possible when the pain of the solution is less than the pain of the problem. I like the emphasis of yours...as if it's saying, recovery is possible when your willingness to submit to God is stronger than your willingness to submit to the addiction.
I've been struggling with some of the same things. I'm at a stage, though, where I don't trust myself at all and have cut out all TV, video games, and (as much as possible) places where attractive women are. Some of the changes I think are going to be permanent, some I'm having a hard time getting used to the idea of giving up (Why, YouTube, do you have to have such scuzzy links everywhere? There's such good, uplifting stuff on you!), and some I think I'll be able to go back to without much difficulty. Still, it's been nice having a breather from temptations, and knowing I can survive without entertainment for a while.
Hang in there, brother. I know your struggle and I've had similar feelings and frustrations for years. You're not alone.
May I share something that's helped me immensely? I finally learned recently that I don't have to fight in those moments of temptation. When I fight, I lose. Why? Because I want to give in... I'm addicted. All I have to do is be willing to be willing, immediately acknowledge my weakness and impure desires, and repeatedly ask the Lord to take the burden of the temptation until He does---and He does! Every time. This doesn't free me of my responsibility to repent; it IS repentance, and as an addict that's all I can do.
Perhaps you're already well aware of this principle. Please I know I don't pretend to have all the answers. I simply felt like I was reading one of my own journal entries while reading this post of yours. I've been there and it's exhausting. If I've misunderstood your thoughts, please forgive me. :)
I enjoy reading your blog. You keep it honest and real.
Just 24 hours more!!
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