Get Back Out of the Habit

10 December 2013, 9:30 pm

It has been a very stressful time lately. I have had both grandparents pass away and my house broken into, put on a play with my middle school students, wrote and directed a fireside with the ward, was observed for my job review, had thanksgiving with my family, and so many other things in just a month and a half. I am able to say that I have been stressed out a lot.

Well, the short of it is that I have been using them all as excuses for not writing in here and working recovery. After another slip, and having my girlfriend put me in my place, I have decided that it is best to get on here more often and write.

The last couple times I wrote on here I decided that it would be a good idea to do step-work right into this journal. Of course it's hard to do so when I am out of the habit of writing.

Therefore, I need to be more diligent. Today I will write briefly about Step 2: Hope.

This hope is not just hope in overcoming the addiction, but it is actually hope in Christ and the atonement of Jesus Christ working on me to be a better person. This hope is necessary for me to grow past my own strengths. My girlfriend commented to me last night that it was painful to her to watch me struggle with the same issues over and over. She told me that I left my old habit and created a new one. In my opinion, the one I newly created is a lot more tricky than the last one, but it still keeps me stuck.

I have noticed lately that I have been able to grow closer to the Lord. When I do, I notice that I feel safer, and cleaner too. I was able to make it two weeks for the first time a little while back, and yet, now, I am into an old, new routine. I was only able to make it as long as I did last time because I had turned my life over to the Lord for support in everything I did and depended on Him to control my feelings, my abilities, my wants, my pleasures, and especially protection. I was blessed to receive all of those and more.

Sadly, I fell victim to the pride cycle and fell again. If I am going to overcome this, I need to more fully turn to the Lord the way I did a month ago. There is no reason for me to stay in this rut and feel sorry for myself when I have already recently experienced the way it feels to be clean and close to the Lord again. I long for that feeling again. I pray the Lord will help me get there and learn to stop leaning on my own understanding.