Last night I lost it. I am not quite sure what was going on. I wanted to go to bed, but I was completely restless. I could barely sit still. I was not interested in using the computer, the TV, or anything. The worst part is: I did not listen to the Spirit. This is the number 1 thing I need to begin paying more close attention to. Here were the promptings the Spirit gave to me last night which I didn't even realize were promptings until this morning:
1) Begin writing a play for fun (I should have done this one as I write best at night anyway).
2) Text my girlfriend (I rationalized that I didn't want to wake her).
3) Go hang out and wander around the store. Some are open 24 hours (I ignored this one).
4) Go for a walk outside (I rationalized this one away as being too late at night).
5) Start working on a jigsaw puzzle (I actually started this one but was too anxious to continue).
6) Begin cleaning the house (I rationalized this one away as it was already "planned" for the next morning.)
7) Go to bed anyway and just try to go to sleep (I did this one, but I cracked).
Sadly, I used my phone as a back-door. I activated the filter the phone company just came out with and sadly discovered that it doesn't do anything. I had a back-door. I was going nuts and couldn't sleep and resorted to the one thing that I knew could calm me down: my addiction.
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My girlfriend always tells me that I need to think of what I learned and think of solutions as to what to do each time. Although I do not like doing so, it is a necessary step and must be done. I also promised to work on my blog when I needed to. Quite frankly, I should have gotten on here to write last night in order to calm myself down.
*So what was different this time? I couldn't sleep. I wouldn't sleep.
*What happened as a result? I entered a restless state where I wanted to fill up the time and become tired. I then gave in to the addiction since I knew it would "solve" both problems.
*Bigger picture: I needed to trust in The Lord. At least seven times the Spirit told me to stop what I was doing and go do something else. Seven times I ignored it.
*What am I going to do the next time this situation arises?
1) Stop pretending I can do this on my own. I'm still not quite ready to completely move beyond Step 3 in the Recovery Program.
2) Listen, listen, listen. I may not always know the difference between intuition or the Spirit, but even my intuition usually leads me down the correct path!
3) Go. Leave. Run away. I decided months ago that if I was tempted to literally get out of the house and run away like Joseph sold into Egypt.
I'm looking forward to getting better. It's a new year coming up. That usually helps inspire me for a season. The good news: I'm still better than I used to be and I'm improving each time!
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