Intentions

April 8, 2014; 4:03 pm:

So, after confessing to my girlfriend that I slipped again, I received a comment from her. It has been on my mind all day long. She said, "I know you don't intentionally slip and I am very grateful for all the progress you are making."

This really got me thinking about my situation and led to the following ramblings:

What are my intentions?

What do I intend to happen? Where do I intend to go? What do I intend to benefit? What do I intend the outcome to be? Who do I intend to associate with? When do I intend on moving on to the next step? What do I intend to learn?

These are questions that can be answered positively or negatively. They can be asked of the recovery or they can be asked of the addiction. What are my intentions?

When I am in the heat of the temptation, what are my intentions? I would think that at that time, my intentions are simple to be selfish, self-gratifying, and to never give up the sin. In the heat of recovery, I would say that I am planning for the future, drawing closer to The Lord, and wanting to be free.

I think this is part of what keeps me chained to this addiction in the first place. Do I actually intend to give it up and sever ties with it or do I intend to hide it, suppress it, and coddle it for the rest of my life? Am I actually recovering it or finding ways to justify it?

Any goal set for recovery is usually good and based on good, strong beliefs, practices, experiences, and patterns. But when those intentions are ignored what is there? I can't find anything. My mind actually draws a blank when I contemplate the purpose of participating in my addiction. It has no purpose. Selfish pleasure, loss of The Spirit, self-ostracization, and fantasy are the fruits. The only intention is to never change. I don't intend on doing anything else when giving in to the temptation.

Perhaps solid contemplation on the intent of what I am doing will help steer my in the direction I need to go to reach the next step of recovery. If I intend to do something, it usually gets done!

Recovery Humility

April 1, 2014; 7:01 pm:

I was reading in the recovery manual and discovered a question relating to humility. I found this kind of coincidental, ironic, or inspired for that matter due to my girlfriend choosing a talk on humility for yesterday's Family Home Evening. I guess I was destined to write about it.

Concerning sexual addiction, in my opinion, there are several levels of humility: (1) humility of admittance, (2) humility of abstinence, (3) humility of repentance, (4) humility of thought, and finally (5) humility of recovery. I know several of these more or less correspond with other writings, plans, etc., but this is my list of what goes on in my head as to my own scale of how I'm doing.

I would say to be humble is to be compliant, honest, and willing to change or be submissive to that which is right even if it is not easy. Each level in my list above is what happens each time I slip and begin the process of soberness.

The first level is the humility of admittance. Admitting there is a problem is only one aspect of admittance. This one also covers lies, covering sins, justification of "just a little bit", and refusal to ask for help. I find this to be the most difficult step in humility as it involves me talking with someone else about the problem.

The second level is humility in abstinence. This level includes switching from white-knuckling to actually desiring to change. I find it too easy to find pride in myself in being clean. There is more to soberness than avoiding the problem: there is the desire to do what is right in the first place. This level of humility requires that the motivation behind the action is Christ-centered.

The third level is all about repentance. True repentance is more than over-coming the sin. It requires asking forgiveness from The Lord, those I've hurt, and myself. Then, it requires actual work to fix those things I've done wrong. Without humility, I would not be able to accomplish this step. It is a life-long process and requires Christ to do. It very often overlaps the other levels.

The fourth level is all about honesty in thought. Thoughts can be a dangerous place to visit. I can recall any image I want whenever and wherever I want. But there is more to it: I need to make sure I keep my eyes focused as well. A quick double-take look at a pretty girl or slightly entertaining the idea of indulgence is enough to set off a chain reaction of failure. If I can honestly sit down at night and admit to myself that I have honesty striven to keep my thoughts and actions clean, then I know I am exercising humility in thought.

The final level is humility in recovery. Overcoming an addiction is not only soberness. I would say I am not fully sober when I am thinking of my addiction and the problems it has caused. I have to honestly put faith in The Lord that He will help me overcome future situations and even steer me away from compromising situations. Recovery is clear when I realize I have been presented with a situation and did not even consider indulgence. Humility in that situation only comes from realizing that it was The Lord who gave me that strength and that I did not develop that on my own.

As I strive for more humility, I hope and pray that someday I will reach that highest level of humility and free myself from the chains of addiction.

In the Moment

March 25, 2014; 8:16 pm:

So I have been feeling very stagnant lately and have not been putting much effort into the actual steps of recovery. I'm guessing that the two go together. So, I opened up the addiction recovery manual and found an interesting question: "How strong is your willingness to yield your heart to God instead of yielding to the addiction in the moment of temptation?"

This is an interesting thought I think I might like to ponder more carefully. It seems that the only slips I have had lately in my soberness have come from these spur-of-the-moment happenings. I have not been purposely seeking out any manner of giving in to the temptations and have removed almost anything that will let it in, so far as is reasonable and practical. However, I find myself not able to put in that one bit of extra effort required in order to overcome these temptations.

Perhaps something comes on TV. Am I able to change the channel? Usually. The problem is that I do not call anyone and tell them that I need someone to talk to in order to overcome the thoughts that have entered into my mind from it.

Perhaps something appears in a game advertisement. Am I able not to look. Usually. The problem is, I take note of how I found the add and leave a calling card as how to return to it.

Perhaps I spy a beautiful daughter of God who has dressed immodestly. Can I look away? Usually. The problem is that I do not always have a prayer in my heart to not dwell on it all day long and allow it to seep into my mind deeper and deeper until it becomes an obsession.

Am I willing to allow myself to turn to God instead of yield to the addiction of the moment? Usually. But I have not been trying hard enough. I have not been praying in the moment. I have not been calling for the support and advice from others in the moment. I have not pulled out my scriptures, sung a hymn, or stared at the myriad of pictures of temples around my house in the moment. I am getting caught up in the moment and using it as an excuse to linger.

I must not linger.

As I learn to call on The Lord and others as these temptations come, it will be easier and easier to avoid them in the future. I know it will. Perhaps this will also eliminate much of the stagnation I have felt as a result of it.

Three Dreams

March 15, 2014; 5:55 AM:

I had three dreams last night. Two were about the addiction. One was about self-worth and character.

In the first dream, I found myself 15 years younger with my next older brother who was younger also, except that we already had the life experiences we now have. I remember being extremely open about the addiction with my brother, as we both have this addiction. In the dream, I remembered real-life history that he has been divorced and re-married. I asked him, in the dream, what he thought about specific situations within the addiction and the recovery program; whether or not he had done certain things and what he thought about overcoming them. I would then respond with what I thought and had done.

What caught me off guard was how brief his answers were and how he seemed to have no feeling. He wasn't disinterested in the conversation, but he seemed to brush off each question as though they were conquered and he didn't have to talk about them anymore. My replies were specific and I remember feeling peace as I answered them, that I had overcome specific portions of the addiction and was on the right path. I remember worrying that he was sober, but not recovered and worried that I would not be the same way. The dream ended with me telling him: "I have a rule, that no matter who it is I will marry in the future, before we get married, I will tell her about my addiction. If I don't, then I am not being honest with her." I remember seeing my brother's face in shock and concern for his own situation, then the dream closed.

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The second dream was much shorter. In this dream, I was older, but still with my brother. This one took place in my girlfriend's grandparents' home. Apparently, the entire family new of my addiction and it was decided by my girlfriend's grandmother and myself that my brother and I go for a drive with her grandfather. He asked us where we should go. I replied, "Anywhere at least 15 minutes away where we can talk." He drove us to a place in front of a retirement trailer park and told us the importance of being clean. He referred to talks by general authorities of the church and explained that it was one of the biggest problems we had in society today. Again, I felt peace thinking about what he said and my responses were true and with conviction. The conversation ended and the youth from the ward came to the car and started to talk with us. I remember that they had a lot of respect for me and loved me. Then this dream closed.

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The third dream was a little different. I was in the military with two others who were my friends (nobody I knew in real life). Apparently, we had received information that somehow we already knew a little of the future of our Recruiting Sergeant. We knew that he was a harsh leader, but fair and demanding and otherwise a really nice guy. It was our responsibility to join his platoon and watch out for him since we knew he was going to die soon from a heart attack, right before giving out cookies (this is important later). I therefore joined up and was somehow a higher rank than others as I had some privileges the other soldiers did not and I always was first in line.

The Sergeant regularly inspected our packs and organization skills. The dream ran through three or four of these in a row. I was eventually caught stashing some extra snack food in my pack, but he only had me throw it out and no more. He explained that if I was to be in charge of a group of soldiers I had to set the example. 

The time eventually came that he started showing signs of the heart attack. I ran and grabbed the other guys who knew it was going to happen and we joined our Sergeant in a supply room. We asked him what we should do. He told us to go ahead and take our share of the fresh chocolate chip cookies from the table on the other side of the room. We thought it strange this was his request when he told us one more piece of instruction: we were allowed to take as many cookies as we wanted so long as we had issues we had to overcome and stated what they were. We were to have anyone who took them do the same. However, we were not allowed to eat them, we had to give them to someone else. I immediately picked one up and said, "Well, I can take one right now. I have flat feet." I took a cookie and gave it to my Sergeant. He smiled exhaustively. Immediately, I thought of other issues I had, especially concerning my addictions and how many cookies I should take and give away. I felt a great peace once again. This is where the third dream ended.

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I have thoughts as to these dreams. I am not so sure that they are inspired, but I do not think that they are uninspired either. The feelings of peace and concern for others buoyed me up to work harder but also gave me thoughts that perhaps I am doing better than I thought. The first thoughts I had after awaking from this dream were (1) that I should not worry about the addiction and trust The Lord and (2) that I should immediately write these dreams down -- specifically on this blog -- before I forget them. I really like the cookie idea. I might like to do that activity someday.

Close the Back Door

March 4, 2014; 8:42 pm:

A quick thought I have had lately is making sure I close the back doors to sin. Recently, I had more filters installed and blocked seemingly good websites which occasionally have the potential to let indecent pictures slip their way in.

I have removed several of these back doors and am now testing how much better I am with dealing with temptation. What I have noticed so far is that I am much more easily able to overcome and stay sober.

Having a filter is only the first step. Getting rid of the back doors through the filter takes more work, diligence, honesty, and humility.

A quote from one of my favorite talks by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, April 2010 General Conference talk "Place no More for the Enemy of My Soul":

Whether we be single or married, young or old, let’s talk for a moment about how to guard against temptation in whatever form it may present itself. We may not be able to cure all of society’s ills today, but let’s speak of what some personal actions can be.

• Above all, start by separating yourself from people, materials, and circumstances that will harm you. As those battling something like alcoholism know, the pull of proximity can be fatal. So too in moral matters. Like Joseph in the presence of Potiphar’s wife, ⁴ just run—run as far away as you can get from whatever or whoever it is that beguiles you. And please, when fleeing the scene of temptation, do not leave a forwarding address.
  

• Acknowledge that people bound by the chains of true addictions often need more help than self-help, and that may include you. Seek that help and welcome it. Talk to your bishop. Follow his counsel. Ask for a priesthood blessing. Use the Church’s Family Services offerings or seek other suitable professional help. Pray without ceasing. Ask for angels to help you.
  

• Along with filters on computers and a lock on affections, remember that the only real control in life is self-control. Exercise more control over even the marginal moments that confront you. If a TV show is indecent, turn it off. If a movie is crude, walk out. If an improper relationship is developing, sever it. Many of these influences, at least initially, may not technically be evil, but they can blunt our judgment, dull our spirituality, and lead to something that could be evil. An old proverb says that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, ⁵ so watch your step.
  

• Like thieves in the night, unwelcome thoughts can and do seek entrance to our minds. But we don’t have to throw open the door, serve them tea and crumpets, and then tell them where the silverware is kept! (You shouldn’t be serving tea anyway.) Throw the rascals out! Replace lewd thoughts with hopeful images and joyful memories; picture the faces of those who love you and would be shattered if you let them down. More than one man has been saved from sin or stupidity by remembering the face of his mother, his wife, or his child waiting somewhere for him at home. Whatever thoughts you have, make sure they are welcome in your heart by invitation only. As an ancient poet once said, let will be your reason. ⁶
  

• Cultivate and be where the Spirit of the Lord is. Make sure that includes your own home or apartment, dictating the kind of art, music, and literature you keep there. If you are endowed, go to the temple as often as your circumstances allow. Remember that the temple arms you “with [God’s] power, … [puts His] glory … round about [you], and [gives His] angels … charge over [you].” ⁷ And when you leave the temple, remember the symbols you take with you, never to be set aside or forgotten.

Evil Presents Itself

February 25, 2014; 7:31 pm:

Something has become apparent to me lately, that is: evil presents itself. I have often heard other speak of (and have done so myself) how sneaky, sly, and cunning the devil is. It is true. He truly is the most cunning of all and was cursed for being so in the days of the Garden of Eden. And yet, there seems to be another side to this. . . .

I often refer to myself as being more addicted to lust than any of the other forms of sexual addiction. This seems true because of the urges and situations which present themselves. What are these situations? They can be anything: an attractive girl walks by, a commercial appears on TV, billboards, radio ads, plays, or even simple things like playing a game of Monopoly sometimes.

Basically, what happens is my lust for lust jumps into gear and my eyes will wander. I will catch a glimpse of a translucent shirt, or hiked-up shorts, or a logo written across the chest and it is enough to generate feelings and urges in me that transport my mind to another realm. Was Satan being sneaky in placing those things there? Not always. I went looking for it. When I look for it, I can find it. . .no matter where I am or what I am doing. It presents itself to me.

The hear of the matter is controlling thoughts. If I can control my thoughts, I can control where my eyes wander. When I control where my eyes wander, I can control my actions. When I give in, I can very easily set myself up for disaster by putting my being in a location where I am certain to find what it is I'm looking for!

As I learn to clear my thoughts, I will learn to stop tempting myself. Then Satan will have to get back to work doing it since I won't be putting myself in those situations in the first place!

Leaving Fantasy Behind

February 18, 2014; 7:36 pm:

I thought for a moment as whether or not to post this particular entry only because it is really heart-felt and strong. But I decided that this is after-all my journal. I am only inviting others to read it for the sake of their own strength they may pull from my own, to know there are others who understand what you are going through. For those who are weaker, be careful reading what I am about to write that it does not trigger the wrong emotions in your own being. This entry is dark. This is simply something I have to write in order to get it out of my system and "into the open" so to speak. This is kind of something I would write for Step 4. Without further ado:

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There is something of a relationship I have seemed to form with my own addiction. I am regularly asked by those who help: "What is holding you back from being sober today?" Well, upon pondering on that thought, I have decided that a portion thereof belongs to this relationship I have with the addiction. Basically, at times, I don't want to get rid of it because it has become a life-long friend!

In the heat of the addiction, I would think about it all day long. Once I would return home from work or errands, I would rush to my computer, TV, printed material, etc. in order to greet my friend. Many hours would I spend with her. She would always be there. No matter what kind of a day I had, no matter my mood, no matter the circumstances I had in my life, I knew I could trust her to be there for me. She was always smiling. She was always patient. She was always open for suggestion. She did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. She never complained. She never ignored me.

The longer I got to know her, the more she let me in to her world. There came a point where I spent more time in her world than I spent in my own. I trusted her. I loved her.

This is where the fantasy comes in. She started to entice me with simple gestures and preening. I would reciprocate. Finally, she would show me that I was more and could do bigger and better things! Her idea of bigger and better was so much different than the rest of the world offered. This was enticing. I would embrace it and ask for more.

She was gentle in her maneuvers. She slowly, carefully, pulled me deeper into this romance we had invented together. She told me her deepest secrets and lulled me deeper, deeper, deeper until I found ultimate satisfaction.

Little did I know what had happened! I had been seduced by the ultimate seduction and was lost. I was so deep into her world, the fantasy created within my mind, that I had lost the very concept of reality! I was no longer in a romantic relationship. Rather, I was a slave. But I was not a slave who did physical labor and cater to every whim. I was the slave of fantasy who gave into lust to satisfy an unnatural, unreal desire.

In the midst of the clenching of her hands and arms around me, I was brought to the light of the matter and learned to recognize how deeply she had pulled me into her lair! I knew I had to get out, the only problem was: I didn't want to!

I wanted nothing more than to be free of the monster I had both created and loved. However, every time I would look her in the face, she would bat her eyes at me and pout. I could see the tears running down her cheeks and onto her chin. In a fantastical, absurd manner, I hated to leave her because I thought she would be hurt to be left alone! I did not want to give up my only love!

How was this possible?! It shouldn't have happened! How could I have possibly fallen in love with my own carnal nature and allowed it to pull me into the depths of misery, pain, and most of all: addiction?! I couldn't be! It shouldn't be! But it was. . . .

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So there you have it. I have tendencies to be stuck only because it hurts to let it go. Can I feel an emptiness inside for leaving behind that which I must? Perhaps. But it is the wrong kind of emptiness. Its real name is several fold: guilt, lust, desire, vanity, anxiety, helplessness, sorrow, false-hope, temptation, and more.

Yet, there is a cure: The Gospel of Jesus Christ and repentance. Only He will be able to fill the false void caused by the loss of this fake love affair. Only He can erase the memory of it. Only He can erase the pains. Only He can wipe my garments clean. And in some odd way, though I would never wish it on another or myself again, I am thankful I have had the opportunity to come clean just so I can get to know Him again!