This is the end of a year, a season, a time, an age, an era. It is time to let things go. Perhaps making New Year's Resolutions are not quite the idea I need, rather saying goodbye to the old would be better.
Too many times have I stood at the brink of a new dawn and said "hello" to the oncoming future with bright expectations, wishes, and desires. Yet, inside of me was always the doubt, worry, and angst. I wanted a new life, would greet it at the door, then within only a few moments, would walk away, turn my back on it, and return to the old, familiar walk I used to know.
This time, I think I will say goodbye to the old, end this year tipping my hat to what has befallen my lot in life. This way, when I stand ready to embrace the future I will be able to. The future itself will be able to greet me with open arms and wide smile, that, in my opinion, would quite a bit like the Savior's own greeting!
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This past year has got to be one of the worst in my addiction and the best. It was the first time I was willing to actually sit down and make decisions. I decided, around February that I was completely lost. I did not seem to care about The Lord, His Church, or anything around me. I lived a lie. I would go through motions, pretend to fulfill my callings at church, pretend to be honest in my dealings with others. I lived the life of a hypocrite. I taught the principles of the gospel and refused to live them. My secret life of addiction pulled me away from reality and slowly, carefully, seductively, wrapped its scaly tentacled arm around my shoulder, told me I was satisfied with my lot and tricked me into a false sense of security, pride, and empowerment. I was trapped in its web and slowly, carefully, building my cocoon of self-pity and despair. I had decided that I was officially addicted. I admitted it. It belonged to me. I chose to be there. I did it to myself. I owned it. And nothing I could do would take me away from it because in my mind, there was no life except for the life which I had woven. I literally could not imagine possibly giving it up.
Little did I know, that that feeling, choice, and decision was the first step into my own salvation. My Bishop called me into his office one day. He had only one thing to say to me: "I feel inspired to tell you this: if you don't do it now, you never will." I nodded my head. And this sunk so deep into my heart that I felt like I had drown in spiritual enlightenment. I knew that what he had said was true and that then, that night was the last chance I had to make a decision on my own before I would fully pass judgement on myself. And he was right: I had to do it now.
I then discovered that it was not possible for me to overcome the addiction by myself. I had to change. I knew I was addicted but could not find a way to change my every-day habits!
A month and a half passed. Suddenly, one day, I was able to openly admit that I had a problem to the Lord. I received a girlfriend!
Another month passed. I was now dedicated to overcoming the addiction. I set in place many goals for myself. I became a full-tithe payer again!
Three months passed with me never missing a group meeting, never missing a day of scripture study, and never missing morning or nightly prayers. I had visited a temple each of those months.
One more month passed and I received earthly trials. Then for the first time in over 10 years, I went a full two weeks without giving in to temptation. In fact, I was able to go 19 days!
Currently, I have slipped into old habits and lustful ways. But there is an end. I can go longer periods without giving in or even considering it. I do not have to think and concentrate as hard as I did to withstand temptation!
I started the year with a feeling of woe, experienced the comforting blanket-warmth of the Holy Ghost and holy angels watching over me, and ended with a new me. The new me is not the me I had always hoped to be, the the new me is definitely not the one who made empty promises at the beginning of the year only to break them within 48 hours. This new me is fresh and ready for a new start.
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RING OUT, WILD BELLS,
by: Alfred Tennyson
Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light:
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.
Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
Ring out the grief that saps the mind,
For those that here we see no more;
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.
Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.
Ring out the want, the care, the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes,
But ring the fuller minstrel in.
Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.
Ring out old shapes of foul disease;
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.
Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.
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Farewell, year 2013. You have shown me the error of my ways and helped me on my path back to eternal perfection in Christ! May you be remembered for what you have done for me. Goodbye old friend. We have spent time together--both the good and the bad. May we think on the rough times, dwell on the good, and revel in the knowledge and experience they inspire.
I welcome 2014 with open arms and hope to received in such. May the next year be all I hope it will be. . . .
1 comment:
Great post. I appreciate your insight. I am trying to focus on making each day better and new. :)
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