Sunday, 1 Sep 2013, 8:09 PM:
So it's been a while since I last posted anything. Now here I am ready to tell what's been going on with my progress and failures. As it turns out, I am doing much better, but I have not been paying enough attention to making sure I don't set off any unnecessary triggers.
I was at five days sober and I was feeling pretty good. In fact, I wasn't even interested in pornography. It has been a great blessing having the filter in place on my computer. Just knowing that my girlfriend can remotely check on me whenever she wants has been a great deterrent in giving in to temptation. Of course, there is more to it. I immediately reverted to old sources: magazines. I will never subscribe to a certain magazine (which I will not mention) for one good reason: they love to print pictures of naked tribal people in their "natural" environments.
Well, schools everywhere have subscriptions to this magazine wouldn't you know. And I have to make copies of assignments regularly for my classes. During one of my copying sessions, early in the morning, I discovered the archives of this particular magazine. My mind immediately generated old photos which haunted me from the early days of my addiction. I went straight to an issue I had poured over when I was a teenager. All the awful pictures I was so enthralled with before were present in the copy our school has. But, I could only know that because I gave in and looked.
Well, no more. That was over 12 days ago. And I am otherwise looking forward to nine full days of sobriety tomorrow morning. Sundays, for some reason, create a lot of anxiety. This occurs even when there are no activities to do on the following Monday. This anxiety hit today with some temptation, but I put it in its place with some good music and a general conference talk.
I am reminded about what I had mentioned in my group meeting last week. I mentioned I had become somewhat complacent with the sobriety. What has happened is that most days I have little or no desire to even think about the addiction. My will is changing. Because I am not thinking about it, I lose focus. By loosing focus, I make mistakes and set off triggers. Those triggers will only lead to losing my sobriety. I have to keep my eye on my ultimate goal and not give in.
I am looking forward to finally taking the sacrament in church this up-coming week. It has been almost three years since I have taken the sacrament. I miss having the opportunity to officially partake in making a covenant with my Heavenly Father that I am willing to take upon me the name of Christ, to always remember Him, and in return, always have His Spirit to be with me! One more week. After I survive tomorrow, I will be entering the longest length of time being sober in years. I will get there. Next step: the Sacrament!
