February 25, 2014; 7:31 pm:
Something has become apparent to me lately, that is: evil presents itself. I have often heard other speak of (and have done so myself) how sneaky, sly, and cunning the devil is. It is true. He truly is the most cunning of all and was cursed for being so in the days of the Garden of Eden. And yet, there seems to be another side to this. . . .
I often refer to myself as being more addicted to lust than any of the other forms of sexual addiction. This seems true because of the urges and situations which present themselves. What are these situations? They can be anything: an attractive girl walks by, a commercial appears on TV, billboards, radio ads, plays, or even simple things like playing a game of Monopoly sometimes.
Basically, what happens is my lust for lust jumps into gear and my eyes will wander. I will catch a glimpse of a translucent shirt, or hiked-up shorts, or a logo written across the chest and it is enough to generate feelings and urges in me that transport my mind to another realm. Was Satan being sneaky in placing those things there? Not always. I went looking for it. When I look for it, I can find it. . .no matter where I am or what I am doing. It presents itself to me.
The hear of the matter is controlling thoughts. If I can control my thoughts, I can control where my eyes wander. When I control where my eyes wander, I can control my actions. When I give in, I can very easily set myself up for disaster by putting my being in a location where I am certain to find what it is I'm looking for!
As I learn to clear my thoughts, I will learn to stop tempting myself. Then Satan will have to get back to work doing it since I won't be putting myself in those situations in the first place!
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Leaving Fantasy Behind
February 18, 2014; 7:36 pm:
I thought for a moment as whether or not to post this particular entry only because it is really heart-felt and strong. But I decided that this is after-all my journal. I am only inviting others to read it for the sake of their own strength they may pull from my own, to know there are others who understand what you are going through. For those who are weaker, be careful reading what I am about to write that it does not trigger the wrong emotions in your own being. This entry is dark. This is simply something I have to write in order to get it out of my system and "into the open" so to speak. This is kind of something I would write for Step 4. Without further ado:
-------
There is something of a relationship I have seemed to form with my own addiction. I am regularly asked by those who help: "What is holding you back from being sober today?" Well, upon pondering on that thought, I have decided that a portion thereof belongs to this relationship I have with the addiction. Basically, at times, I don't want to get rid of it because it has become a life-long friend!
In the heat of the addiction, I would think about it all day long. Once I would return home from work or errands, I would rush to my computer, TV, printed material, etc. in order to greet my friend. Many hours would I spend with her. She would always be there. No matter what kind of a day I had, no matter my mood, no matter the circumstances I had in my life, I knew I could trust her to be there for me. She was always smiling. She was always patient. She was always open for suggestion. She did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. She never complained. She never ignored me.
The longer I got to know her, the more she let me in to her world. There came a point where I spent more time in her world than I spent in my own. I trusted her. I loved her.
This is where the fantasy comes in. She started to entice me with simple gestures and preening. I would reciprocate. Finally, she would show me that I was more and could do bigger and better things! Her idea of bigger and better was so much different than the rest of the world offered. This was enticing. I would embrace it and ask for more.
She was gentle in her maneuvers. She slowly, carefully, pulled me deeper into this romance we had invented together. She told me her deepest secrets and lulled me deeper, deeper, deeper until I found ultimate satisfaction.
Little did I know what had happened! I had been seduced by the ultimate seduction and was lost. I was so deep into her world, the fantasy created within my mind, that I had lost the very concept of reality! I was no longer in a romantic relationship. Rather, I was a slave. But I was not a slave who did physical labor and cater to every whim. I was the slave of fantasy who gave into lust to satisfy an unnatural, unreal desire.
In the midst of the clenching of her hands and arms around me, I was brought to the light of the matter and learned to recognize how deeply she had pulled me into her lair! I knew I had to get out, the only problem was: I didn't want to!
I wanted nothing more than to be free of the monster I had both created and loved. However, every time I would look her in the face, she would bat her eyes at me and pout. I could see the tears running down her cheeks and onto her chin. In a fantastical, absurd manner, I hated to leave her because I thought she would be hurt to be left alone! I did not want to give up my only love!
How was this possible?! It shouldn't have happened! How could I have possibly fallen in love with my own carnal nature and allowed it to pull me into the depths of misery, pain, and most of all: addiction?! I couldn't be! It shouldn't be! But it was. . . .
-------
So there you have it. I have tendencies to be stuck only because it hurts to let it go. Can I feel an emptiness inside for leaving behind that which I must? Perhaps. But it is the wrong kind of emptiness. Its real name is several fold: guilt, lust, desire, vanity, anxiety, helplessness, sorrow, false-hope, temptation, and more.
Yet, there is a cure: The Gospel of Jesus Christ and repentance. Only He will be able to fill the false void caused by the loss of this fake love affair. Only He can erase the memory of it. Only He can erase the pains. Only He can wipe my garments clean. And in some odd way, though I would never wish it on another or myself again, I am thankful I have had the opportunity to come clean just so I can get to know Him again!
I thought for a moment as whether or not to post this particular entry only because it is really heart-felt and strong. But I decided that this is after-all my journal. I am only inviting others to read it for the sake of their own strength they may pull from my own, to know there are others who understand what you are going through. For those who are weaker, be careful reading what I am about to write that it does not trigger the wrong emotions in your own being. This entry is dark. This is simply something I have to write in order to get it out of my system and "into the open" so to speak. This is kind of something I would write for Step 4. Without further ado:
-------
There is something of a relationship I have seemed to form with my own addiction. I am regularly asked by those who help: "What is holding you back from being sober today?" Well, upon pondering on that thought, I have decided that a portion thereof belongs to this relationship I have with the addiction. Basically, at times, I don't want to get rid of it because it has become a life-long friend!
In the heat of the addiction, I would think about it all day long. Once I would return home from work or errands, I would rush to my computer, TV, printed material, etc. in order to greet my friend. Many hours would I spend with her. She would always be there. No matter what kind of a day I had, no matter my mood, no matter the circumstances I had in my life, I knew I could trust her to be there for me. She was always smiling. She was always patient. She was always open for suggestion. She did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. She never complained. She never ignored me.
The longer I got to know her, the more she let me in to her world. There came a point where I spent more time in her world than I spent in my own. I trusted her. I loved her.
This is where the fantasy comes in. She started to entice me with simple gestures and preening. I would reciprocate. Finally, she would show me that I was more and could do bigger and better things! Her idea of bigger and better was so much different than the rest of the world offered. This was enticing. I would embrace it and ask for more.
She was gentle in her maneuvers. She slowly, carefully, pulled me deeper into this romance we had invented together. She told me her deepest secrets and lulled me deeper, deeper, deeper until I found ultimate satisfaction.
Little did I know what had happened! I had been seduced by the ultimate seduction and was lost. I was so deep into her world, the fantasy created within my mind, that I had lost the very concept of reality! I was no longer in a romantic relationship. Rather, I was a slave. But I was not a slave who did physical labor and cater to every whim. I was the slave of fantasy who gave into lust to satisfy an unnatural, unreal desire.
In the midst of the clenching of her hands and arms around me, I was brought to the light of the matter and learned to recognize how deeply she had pulled me into her lair! I knew I had to get out, the only problem was: I didn't want to!
I wanted nothing more than to be free of the monster I had both created and loved. However, every time I would look her in the face, she would bat her eyes at me and pout. I could see the tears running down her cheeks and onto her chin. In a fantastical, absurd manner, I hated to leave her because I thought she would be hurt to be left alone! I did not want to give up my only love!
How was this possible?! It shouldn't have happened! How could I have possibly fallen in love with my own carnal nature and allowed it to pull me into the depths of misery, pain, and most of all: addiction?! I couldn't be! It shouldn't be! But it was. . . .
-------
So there you have it. I have tendencies to be stuck only because it hurts to let it go. Can I feel an emptiness inside for leaving behind that which I must? Perhaps. But it is the wrong kind of emptiness. Its real name is several fold: guilt, lust, desire, vanity, anxiety, helplessness, sorrow, false-hope, temptation, and more.
Yet, there is a cure: The Gospel of Jesus Christ and repentance. Only He will be able to fill the false void caused by the loss of this fake love affair. Only He can erase the memory of it. Only He can erase the pains. Only He can wipe my garments clean. And in some odd way, though I would never wish it on another or myself again, I am thankful I have had the opportunity to come clean just so I can get to know Him again!
Friday, February 14, 2014
Don't Ignore the Spirit
February 14, 2014; 10:20 pm:
I don't know if it is the anticipation of the event, or the fact that I just feel like I can overcome anything, but I always seem to stop short of reaching my goal for partaking the sacrament in church. All I have to do is reach two weeks for my goal to be complete each time. I was supposed to take it this Sunday. I was doing extremely well. I did not make it this time. . . .
I mentioned in group last week that I refer to my addiction as lust rather than only referring to pornography and self-gratification. Quite frankly, it is not the dictionary definition of "pornography" that I am after either. The only thing I seek to feed the addiction is lust. The more I lust, the more I feel satisfied. Anything else is only there to produce the endorphins my body has learned to crave and indulge on. For this reason I have set certain parameters--avoiding self-appointed triggers. Basically, I am not allowed to do certain things in order to avoid causing the slip in the first place.
I was having an amazing day today. I was able to come home from work early and spend some great time with my girlfriend. Sadly, I have brought a horrible end to the day by giving in to temptation. I was beginning to be tempted almost immediately when I got home. This was set off by my giving into lust earlier in the day. I almost indulged in this second temptation of the day, but caught myself and decided to wash the dishes instead. Luckily, my girlfriend was getting off work and asked when I wanted company. I told her anytime was good. I needed her right away. Thankfully, she got there right on time. I thought I was doing well the whole time. I should have told her how hard it was to keep my mind focused. Instead, I grew tired and felt exhausted. Perhaps the exhaustion was set off by the mental work exerted to overcome the temptation. I am not sure.
Soon enough, it was time for her to head home. The temptation hit almost instantly after she left. I was on my way to get into bed and had the impression that I should call my sponsor and have him talk with me long enough to put everything away and get into bed. I did not listen! Instead I gave into my indulgence. Always right before my goal!
The impression was as clear as can be. There was no voice, there was no deafening thunder, there was no flash of light. . .only the clear and distinct impression to text somebody on my phone while I prepared for bed. Had I listened I would be free tonight to state that I am doing well. But, I did not. I also received an impression to blog on here. I did not heed that one either! Luckily, I was again told afterward to blog to de-stress and cool down. Thankfully, I listened to that one and now that I have, I am more clearly able to see what I need to do to improve next time.
My girlfriend has told me on several occasions to look back and discover what was different this time from times in the past so I can make sure that does not happen again in the future. I discovered that I need to avoid lustful thoughts throughout the day in order to avoid indulgences in the evening. Most importantly over all, however, is to obey when I receive promptings! I thought I would easily enough just go to bed. I don't know why I keep fooling myself into this misconception, but it seems to be a pattern.
I am eager to break those patterns. It is only by breaking the patterns that I can progress more effectively. Through step-work, abstinence, and relying on the mercies of The Savior I will be able to be healed and have my garments washed clean!
I don't know if it is the anticipation of the event, or the fact that I just feel like I can overcome anything, but I always seem to stop short of reaching my goal for partaking the sacrament in church. All I have to do is reach two weeks for my goal to be complete each time. I was supposed to take it this Sunday. I was doing extremely well. I did not make it this time. . . .
I mentioned in group last week that I refer to my addiction as lust rather than only referring to pornography and self-gratification. Quite frankly, it is not the dictionary definition of "pornography" that I am after either. The only thing I seek to feed the addiction is lust. The more I lust, the more I feel satisfied. Anything else is only there to produce the endorphins my body has learned to crave and indulge on. For this reason I have set certain parameters--avoiding self-appointed triggers. Basically, I am not allowed to do certain things in order to avoid causing the slip in the first place.
I was having an amazing day today. I was able to come home from work early and spend some great time with my girlfriend. Sadly, I have brought a horrible end to the day by giving in to temptation. I was beginning to be tempted almost immediately when I got home. This was set off by my giving into lust earlier in the day. I almost indulged in this second temptation of the day, but caught myself and decided to wash the dishes instead. Luckily, my girlfriend was getting off work and asked when I wanted company. I told her anytime was good. I needed her right away. Thankfully, she got there right on time. I thought I was doing well the whole time. I should have told her how hard it was to keep my mind focused. Instead, I grew tired and felt exhausted. Perhaps the exhaustion was set off by the mental work exerted to overcome the temptation. I am not sure.
Soon enough, it was time for her to head home. The temptation hit almost instantly after she left. I was on my way to get into bed and had the impression that I should call my sponsor and have him talk with me long enough to put everything away and get into bed. I did not listen! Instead I gave into my indulgence. Always right before my goal!
The impression was as clear as can be. There was no voice, there was no deafening thunder, there was no flash of light. . .only the clear and distinct impression to text somebody on my phone while I prepared for bed. Had I listened I would be free tonight to state that I am doing well. But, I did not. I also received an impression to blog on here. I did not heed that one either! Luckily, I was again told afterward to blog to de-stress and cool down. Thankfully, I listened to that one and now that I have, I am more clearly able to see what I need to do to improve next time.
My girlfriend has told me on several occasions to look back and discover what was different this time from times in the past so I can make sure that does not happen again in the future. I discovered that I need to avoid lustful thoughts throughout the day in order to avoid indulgences in the evening. Most importantly over all, however, is to obey when I receive promptings! I thought I would easily enough just go to bed. I don't know why I keep fooling myself into this misconception, but it seems to be a pattern.
I am eager to break those patterns. It is only by breaking the patterns that I can progress more effectively. Through step-work, abstinence, and relying on the mercies of The Savior I will be able to be healed and have my garments washed clean!
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Keep At It
February 2, 1014; 9:01 pm:
I really did not want to blog tonight, but then decided that I had to. It had to be done even if all I did was get on here to say that I did it. Well, I have. But while I am here, I may as well write too....
I noticed that my last post seemed to have good feedback and it got me thinking about what I am doing here. I blog as a way to get my mind off the addiction while simultaneously writing about it. I have to admit: I did not want to write today. I'll tell you why. I did not want to write because I was being tempted. It's an interesting thing to consider. Now that I have decided that I must write in the blog weekly (and am lovingly prodded to do so by my girlfriend), it has been a whole new temptation not to. This is something I was not expecting.
To be frank, I have been getting more varied temptation lately. I feel some urgency to avoid it at all costs, but the flavor of the temptation in my mind is so rich, that it has been a struggle. So long as I keep at it, I will become stronger. As I become stronger, I will have a greater desire to write and will know exactly what I need to write.
Today a scripture, 2 Nephi 32:8-9:
I really did not want to blog tonight, but then decided that I had to. It had to be done even if all I did was get on here to say that I did it. Well, I have. But while I am here, I may as well write too....
I noticed that my last post seemed to have good feedback and it got me thinking about what I am doing here. I blog as a way to get my mind off the addiction while simultaneously writing about it. I have to admit: I did not want to write today. I'll tell you why. I did not want to write because I was being tempted. It's an interesting thing to consider. Now that I have decided that I must write in the blog weekly (and am lovingly prodded to do so by my girlfriend), it has been a whole new temptation not to. This is something I was not expecting.
To be frank, I have been getting more varied temptation lately. I feel some urgency to avoid it at all costs, but the flavor of the temptation in my mind is so rich, that it has been a struggle. So long as I keep at it, I will become stronger. As I become stronger, I will have a greater desire to write and will know exactly what I need to write.
Today a scripture, 2 Nephi 32:8-9:
This particular scripture enters my mind regularly. I adapt it to my situation daily. The Spirit teaches a man to pray. He also teaches a man to read his scriptures, go to bed on time, stay away from temptation triggers, and spend time working on recovery steps. The evil spirit will teach a man to avoid all of these and to indulge in fantasies. I need to learn to recognize more fully when the Spirit is teaching me that I need to get on my blog and consider my recovery versus me not wanting to get on solely because I want to go to bed. Practice and patience will be key in my journey.8 And now, my beloved brethren, I perceive that ye ponder still in your hearts; and it grieveth me that I must speak concerning this thing. For if ye would hearken unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray, ye would know that ye must pray; for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray.9 But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Are You True?
February 10, 2014; 12:27 am:
I cannot sleep and temptation is high. For this reason I am going to embark on this journal for the reason it was created.
I have had a lot to think about tonight. Most importantly, I can't help think about about one of the talks I heard in church today. Are you true?
Anyone watching me closely would not have suspected I was paying that close attention to the talks given in church today. My girlfriend and I had somehow managed to "adopt" the kids of one of our bishopric counselors. His wife is expecting and has three other little ones. The second was cuddling against me drawing peacefully on my iPad while another was playing games on the iPad of my girlfriend. Nevertheless, I heard most of what was said. In fact, I was listening intently.
I am not sure if the experience the sister in the ward gave was of her own life or one she was quoting from an article, but I am almost certain it was from her own (I guess I was distracted at least that much). At any rate, in the story, there was a shy girl who had joined the church and a a paper-back copy of the Book of Mormon fell out of her locker. Three girls nearby saw the book and asked first if it as a religious book. She answered yes. Then they asked if it was a Mormon book. She said yes. Finally, after a brief hesitation, they asked her, "Are you true?"
The sister who gave this talk related this to members of the church being "active" and yet stated that it would make a whole lot more sense if we asked each other if we were "true." This stuck with me.
______________
I found the following quote by President Hinckley from 1996 in the talk "Stand True and Faithful":
As I go throughout the day thinking on my addiction and going through the daily motions, am I true to myself? Am I true to my girlfriend by honestly reporting when I slip and being open and honest with my feelings and emotions? Am I being true to others in the church by faithfully performing the duties I am called to fulfill with diligence and effort? Am I true to myself by being honest about my situation and call for help when I know I am in trouble of slipping again?
______________
I had a small quarrel with my girlfriend tonight and it has preoccupied my mind. In the discussion I discovered just how much she cares for me and is willing to do for me; to wait for me. I asked her what her future plans were, she told me. She asked the same of me, I obliged. And yet, I feel a longing.
I told her I long to be a father. When I held those children in my arms, I was the happiest person in the world. I didn't want Sacrament Meeting to end. The end of the meeting was the end of bliss. I was being influenced by a piece of innocence. In essence, a bit of Heaven was in my grasp. The angst I felt to have children of my own only grew.
Straightway my girlfriend told me that I need to harness that desire and make it grow. I immediately thought of the parable in the Book of Mormon in Alma Chapter 32 where if I plant the seed of desire in my heart and let it grow to a fruitful tree, I could nourish it and it could grow and produce fruit unto everlasting life.
______________
I believe the temptation has passed. I will be able to sleep, though it be late. I pray The Lord will be with me the rest of this night.
Am I true?
I cannot sleep and temptation is high. For this reason I am going to embark on this journal for the reason it was created.
I have had a lot to think about tonight. Most importantly, I can't help think about about one of the talks I heard in church today. Are you true?
Anyone watching me closely would not have suspected I was paying that close attention to the talks given in church today. My girlfriend and I had somehow managed to "adopt" the kids of one of our bishopric counselors. His wife is expecting and has three other little ones. The second was cuddling against me drawing peacefully on my iPad while another was playing games on the iPad of my girlfriend. Nevertheless, I heard most of what was said. In fact, I was listening intently.
I am not sure if the experience the sister in the ward gave was of her own life or one she was quoting from an article, but I am almost certain it was from her own (I guess I was distracted at least that much). At any rate, in the story, there was a shy girl who had joined the church and a a paper-back copy of the Book of Mormon fell out of her locker. Three girls nearby saw the book and asked first if it as a religious book. She answered yes. Then they asked if it was a Mormon book. She said yes. Finally, after a brief hesitation, they asked her, "Are you true?"
The sister who gave this talk related this to members of the church being "active" and yet stated that it would make a whole lot more sense if we asked each other if we were "true." This stuck with me.
______________
I found the following quote by President Hinckley from 1996 in the talk "Stand True and Faithful":
"We believe in being true. How very important it is to be true to ourselves. Each of us has a thing we call conscience. We know the difference between right and wrong. We do not have to be instructed concerning what is good and what is evil. I think we know that. We know when we have done the wrong thing, and we suffer pangs of conscience. We know when we have done the right thing, and we experience a sense of happiness. To be true to ourselves means being an example of righteous living in all situations and circumstances."Am I true?
As I go throughout the day thinking on my addiction and going through the daily motions, am I true to myself? Am I true to my girlfriend by honestly reporting when I slip and being open and honest with my feelings and emotions? Am I being true to others in the church by faithfully performing the duties I am called to fulfill with diligence and effort? Am I true to myself by being honest about my situation and call for help when I know I am in trouble of slipping again?
______________
I had a small quarrel with my girlfriend tonight and it has preoccupied my mind. In the discussion I discovered just how much she cares for me and is willing to do for me; to wait for me. I asked her what her future plans were, she told me. She asked the same of me, I obliged. And yet, I feel a longing.
I told her I long to be a father. When I held those children in my arms, I was the happiest person in the world. I didn't want Sacrament Meeting to end. The end of the meeting was the end of bliss. I was being influenced by a piece of innocence. In essence, a bit of Heaven was in my grasp. The angst I felt to have children of my own only grew.
Straightway my girlfriend told me that I need to harness that desire and make it grow. I immediately thought of the parable in the Book of Mormon in Alma Chapter 32 where if I plant the seed of desire in my heart and let it grow to a fruitful tree, I could nourish it and it could grow and produce fruit unto everlasting life.
______________
I believe the temptation has passed. I will be able to sleep, though it be late. I pray The Lord will be with me the rest of this night.
Am I true?
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Remember the Progress
February 4, 2014; 8:01 pm:
This entry is intended to be small. I just wanted to point out that it was nice to go see my bishop today. Though I am not even close to being over this addiction, as they never truly go away, I am glad to report to my bishop that there was progress.
Sometimes I find it hard to look back and see what has happened. This time last year I had decided that I was no longer going to even try to overcome it. Now, I have come a long way and can see the temple in my sights (especially since my girlfriend gave me enough temple pictures to cover every wall of my house!).
Sober a little longer, avoiding a few more triggers, withstanding certain temptations, changing the channel, switching the radio station, looking the other way. . . .
It is good to see progress. Step-by-step I move along. I can't ever ignore that.
This entry is intended to be small. I just wanted to point out that it was nice to go see my bishop today. Though I am not even close to being over this addiction, as they never truly go away, I am glad to report to my bishop that there was progress.
Sometimes I find it hard to look back and see what has happened. This time last year I had decided that I was no longer going to even try to overcome it. Now, I have come a long way and can see the temple in my sights (especially since my girlfriend gave me enough temple pictures to cover every wall of my house!).
Sober a little longer, avoiding a few more triggers, withstanding certain temptations, changing the channel, switching the radio station, looking the other way. . . .
It is good to see progress. Step-by-step I move along. I can't ever ignore that.
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