April 29, 2014; 8:39 pm:
I was pondering what to write tonight--somewhat to repent of my awful post from last week, and mostly as a way to progress along the process of recovery--when I began going through some of my old papers from my mission. In the pile, I discovered a copy of a talk by Cleon Skousen in 1980 called "The Atonement." One particular phrase caught my eye: "My honor is my power."
He gives an example of a bishop being called a good bishop only because the ward is functioning the way it is supposed to: the home teachers teach, the Sunday School teachers prepare excellent lessons, members of the ward are friendly, etc. The funny thing is this: he is supported because he has the support of others.
So what does that mean for me? I have been told many times that I am one of the best Sunday School teachers in the ward. Does that mean I make them more interesting? Does that mean I know more? Does that mean much of anything? Not really. Personally, I don't think I prepare half as well as I know how or should. A lesson I think is rather dull is exciting and invigorating to my class. I attribute most of it to The Spirit making up for what I can't do or say. But now, I consider this: I have successful lessons because I have the support of those who participate in my lessons.
So what does this all have to do with the addiction? I'm actually not quite sure yet, but I think it is something along the lines of this: I will have honor when I am clean. The honor of, or being successfully recovered from, an addiction comes from the solid belief and support from me towards the program(s) designed for overcoming it as well as support from others' belief that I can fully overcome!
There is probably more to it than that, but it is a fresh new thought. It is something I will have to ponder on more completely. If I am to find strength in recovery, I must support the programs I have adopted and be lauded by those who support me. It is an interesting thought. . . .
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Superficiality
April 22, 2014; 9:26 pm:
How superficial is this? I got to thinking about this online journal. I started thinking about the original intent versus the intent now. I started considering the audience and purpose. Then it occurred to me: the journal has morphed.
A journal should be used to log what goes on: thoughts, actions, progress, failure, etc. I do not do that. I write to be read. When I write to be read, I hold back. Perhaps, just maybe, I need to keep a separate journal too.
I think about Step 4 in making a fearless personal inventory of my life. I am not being very fearless about it if I hide most of my thoughts and feelings. I have a tendency to want to write positive things only. I want to inspire those who read my blog regularly to be uplifted and gain some strength. But this is not what a journal is for. It is what a blog is for, but not a journal.
Am I truly being real or trying to write the next best thing on pornography addiction so that I can get more readers? The truth of the matter is that the blog has become a chore to check off the list of things to do rather than help in opening my thoughts and sharing with like-minded, like-willed individuals for support. I know I want to continue to blog, but I'm not quite sure it is a journal anymore.
Seems this entry is a true journal entry. . . .
How superficial is this? I got to thinking about this online journal. I started thinking about the original intent versus the intent now. I started considering the audience and purpose. Then it occurred to me: the journal has morphed.
A journal should be used to log what goes on: thoughts, actions, progress, failure, etc. I do not do that. I write to be read. When I write to be read, I hold back. Perhaps, just maybe, I need to keep a separate journal too.
I think about Step 4 in making a fearless personal inventory of my life. I am not being very fearless about it if I hide most of my thoughts and feelings. I have a tendency to want to write positive things only. I want to inspire those who read my blog regularly to be uplifted and gain some strength. But this is not what a journal is for. It is what a blog is for, but not a journal.
Am I truly being real or trying to write the next best thing on pornography addiction so that I can get more readers? The truth of the matter is that the blog has become a chore to check off the list of things to do rather than help in opening my thoughts and sharing with like-minded, like-willed individuals for support. I know I want to continue to blog, but I'm not quite sure it is a journal anymore.
Seems this entry is a true journal entry. . . .
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Removing the Beast Inside
April 15, 2014; 7:34 pm:
Today I have decided to answer a question from the recovery manual. This one comes from Step 8 dealing with "breaking the cycle of bitterness and offense".
I have to quite agree with Joseph Smith in the fact that when I receive kindness, it encourages me to be kind. And when I am doled wickedness, it stirs feelings in me of anger, discontent, malice, and revenge. Where do I normally reside along the spectrum though?
I consider myself a rather easy-going individual. I don't seem to show too much emotion most of the time, but I do like to have a good time (even if my face doesn't seem to show it). I am someone who chooses to play gullibility just to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I also consider myself rather forgiving of others' mistakes as well.
But what happens when I get offended? I admit, that there is a monster hiding inside. He doesn't like to be fed at all. In fact, he'd rather hide out in his dark corner and be forgotten about. But, from time to time, he is given morsels to feed on. This only makes him more and more hungry. As he feeds, he grows. As he grows, he comes out of obscurity and into the light until his ugly face can be observed. His name is Spite.
I suppose everyone has an ugly side they would rather not have others see or even know about. I suppose most would try to hide him and ignore him. I have discovered that this only infuriates the beast.
Perhaps, with proper care, the dark corners themselves can be cleansed and the beast asked to vacate the premises. This can be done with little acts of kindness, service, and respect as well as faith in The Lord Jesus Christ to help with the cleansing.
I have a long way to go. I do not like feeding that monster and especially do not like letting him out. As I learn to be a more kind, caring individual, I too will be able to break away from bitterness and offense. Then I will have room to plant good things in the space inside!
Today I have decided to answer a question from the recovery manual. This one comes from Step 8 dealing with "breaking the cycle of bitterness and offense".
I have to quite agree with Joseph Smith in the fact that when I receive kindness, it encourages me to be kind. And when I am doled wickedness, it stirs feelings in me of anger, discontent, malice, and revenge. Where do I normally reside along the spectrum though?
I consider myself a rather easy-going individual. I don't seem to show too much emotion most of the time, but I do like to have a good time (even if my face doesn't seem to show it). I am someone who chooses to play gullibility just to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I also consider myself rather forgiving of others' mistakes as well.
But what happens when I get offended? I admit, that there is a monster hiding inside. He doesn't like to be fed at all. In fact, he'd rather hide out in his dark corner and be forgotten about. But, from time to time, he is given morsels to feed on. This only makes him more and more hungry. As he feeds, he grows. As he grows, he comes out of obscurity and into the light until his ugly face can be observed. His name is Spite.
I suppose everyone has an ugly side they would rather not have others see or even know about. I suppose most would try to hide him and ignore him. I have discovered that this only infuriates the beast.
Perhaps, with proper care, the dark corners themselves can be cleansed and the beast asked to vacate the premises. This can be done with little acts of kindness, service, and respect as well as faith in The Lord Jesus Christ to help with the cleansing.
I have a long way to go. I do not like feeding that monster and especially do not like letting him out. As I learn to be a more kind, caring individual, I too will be able to break away from bitterness and offense. Then I will have room to plant good things in the space inside!
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Intentions
April 8, 2014; 4:03 pm:
So, after confessing to my girlfriend that I slipped again, I received a comment from her. It has been on my mind all day long. She said, "I know you don't intentionally slip and I am very grateful for all the progress you are making."
This really got me thinking about my situation and led to the following ramblings:
What do I intend to happen? Where do I intend to go? What do I intend to benefit? What do I intend the outcome to be? Who do I intend to associate with? When do I intend on moving on to the next step? What do I intend to learn?
These are questions that can be answered positively or negatively. They can be asked of the recovery or they can be asked of the addiction. What are my intentions?
When I am in the heat of the temptation, what are my intentions? I would think that at that time, my intentions are simple to be selfish, self-gratifying, and to never give up the sin. In the heat of recovery, I would say that I am planning for the future, drawing closer to The Lord, and wanting to be free.
I think this is part of what keeps me chained to this addiction in the first place. Do I actually intend to give it up and sever ties with it or do I intend to hide it, suppress it, and coddle it for the rest of my life? Am I actually recovering it or finding ways to justify it?
Any goal set for recovery is usually good and based on good, strong beliefs, practices, experiences, and patterns. But when those intentions are ignored what is there? I can't find anything. My mind actually draws a blank when I contemplate the purpose of participating in my addiction. It has no purpose. Selfish pleasure, loss of The Spirit, self-ostracization, and fantasy are the fruits. The only intention is to never change. I don't intend on doing anything else when giving in to the temptation.
Perhaps solid contemplation on the intent of what I am doing will help steer my in the direction I need to go to reach the next step of recovery. If I intend to do something, it usually gets done!
So, after confessing to my girlfriend that I slipped again, I received a comment from her. It has been on my mind all day long. She said, "I know you don't intentionally slip and I am very grateful for all the progress you are making."
This really got me thinking about my situation and led to the following ramblings:
What are my intentions?
What do I intend to happen? Where do I intend to go? What do I intend to benefit? What do I intend the outcome to be? Who do I intend to associate with? When do I intend on moving on to the next step? What do I intend to learn?
These are questions that can be answered positively or negatively. They can be asked of the recovery or they can be asked of the addiction. What are my intentions?
When I am in the heat of the temptation, what are my intentions? I would think that at that time, my intentions are simple to be selfish, self-gratifying, and to never give up the sin. In the heat of recovery, I would say that I am planning for the future, drawing closer to The Lord, and wanting to be free.
I think this is part of what keeps me chained to this addiction in the first place. Do I actually intend to give it up and sever ties with it or do I intend to hide it, suppress it, and coddle it for the rest of my life? Am I actually recovering it or finding ways to justify it?
Any goal set for recovery is usually good and based on good, strong beliefs, practices, experiences, and patterns. But when those intentions are ignored what is there? I can't find anything. My mind actually draws a blank when I contemplate the purpose of participating in my addiction. It has no purpose. Selfish pleasure, loss of The Spirit, self-ostracization, and fantasy are the fruits. The only intention is to never change. I don't intend on doing anything else when giving in to the temptation.
Perhaps solid contemplation on the intent of what I am doing will help steer my in the direction I need to go to reach the next step of recovery. If I intend to do something, it usually gets done!
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Recovery Humility
April 1, 2014; 7:01 pm:
I was reading in the recovery manual and discovered a question relating to humility. I found this kind of coincidental, ironic, or inspired for that matter due to my girlfriend choosing a talk on humility for yesterday's Family Home Evening. I guess I was destined to write about it.
Concerning sexual addiction, in my opinion, there are several levels of humility: (1) humility of admittance, (2) humility of abstinence, (3) humility of repentance, (4) humility of thought, and finally (5) humility of recovery. I know several of these more or less correspond with other writings, plans, etc., but this is my list of what goes on in my head as to my own scale of how I'm doing.
I would say to be humble is to be compliant, honest, and willing to change or be submissive to that which is right even if it is not easy. Each level in my list above is what happens each time I slip and begin the process of soberness.
The first level is the humility of admittance. Admitting there is a problem is only one aspect of admittance. This one also covers lies, covering sins, justification of "just a little bit", and refusal to ask for help. I find this to be the most difficult step in humility as it involves me talking with someone else about the problem.
The second level is humility in abstinence. This level includes switching from white-knuckling to actually desiring to change. I find it too easy to find pride in myself in being clean. There is more to soberness than avoiding the problem: there is the desire to do what is right in the first place. This level of humility requires that the motivation behind the action is Christ-centered.
The third level is all about repentance. True repentance is more than over-coming the sin. It requires asking forgiveness from The Lord, those I've hurt, and myself. Then, it requires actual work to fix those things I've done wrong. Without humility, I would not be able to accomplish this step. It is a life-long process and requires Christ to do. It very often overlaps the other levels.
The fourth level is all about honesty in thought. Thoughts can be a dangerous place to visit. I can recall any image I want whenever and wherever I want. But there is more to it: I need to make sure I keep my eyes focused as well. A quick double-take look at a pretty girl or slightly entertaining the idea of indulgence is enough to set off a chain reaction of failure. If I can honestly sit down at night and admit to myself that I have honesty striven to keep my thoughts and actions clean, then I know I am exercising humility in thought.
The final level is humility in recovery. Overcoming an addiction is not only soberness. I would say I am not fully sober when I am thinking of my addiction and the problems it has caused. I have to honestly put faith in The Lord that He will help me overcome future situations and even steer me away from compromising situations. Recovery is clear when I realize I have been presented with a situation and did not even consider indulgence. Humility in that situation only comes from realizing that it was The Lord who gave me that strength and that I did not develop that on my own.
As I strive for more humility, I hope and pray that someday I will reach that highest level of humility and free myself from the chains of addiction.
I was reading in the recovery manual and discovered a question relating to humility. I found this kind of coincidental, ironic, or inspired for that matter due to my girlfriend choosing a talk on humility for yesterday's Family Home Evening. I guess I was destined to write about it.
Concerning sexual addiction, in my opinion, there are several levels of humility: (1) humility of admittance, (2) humility of abstinence, (3) humility of repentance, (4) humility of thought, and finally (5) humility of recovery. I know several of these more or less correspond with other writings, plans, etc., but this is my list of what goes on in my head as to my own scale of how I'm doing.
I would say to be humble is to be compliant, honest, and willing to change or be submissive to that which is right even if it is not easy. Each level in my list above is what happens each time I slip and begin the process of soberness.
The first level is the humility of admittance. Admitting there is a problem is only one aspect of admittance. This one also covers lies, covering sins, justification of "just a little bit", and refusal to ask for help. I find this to be the most difficult step in humility as it involves me talking with someone else about the problem.
The second level is humility in abstinence. This level includes switching from white-knuckling to actually desiring to change. I find it too easy to find pride in myself in being clean. There is more to soberness than avoiding the problem: there is the desire to do what is right in the first place. This level of humility requires that the motivation behind the action is Christ-centered.
The third level is all about repentance. True repentance is more than over-coming the sin. It requires asking forgiveness from The Lord, those I've hurt, and myself. Then, it requires actual work to fix those things I've done wrong. Without humility, I would not be able to accomplish this step. It is a life-long process and requires Christ to do. It very often overlaps the other levels.
The fourth level is all about honesty in thought. Thoughts can be a dangerous place to visit. I can recall any image I want whenever and wherever I want. But there is more to it: I need to make sure I keep my eyes focused as well. A quick double-take look at a pretty girl or slightly entertaining the idea of indulgence is enough to set off a chain reaction of failure. If I can honestly sit down at night and admit to myself that I have honesty striven to keep my thoughts and actions clean, then I know I am exercising humility in thought.
The final level is humility in recovery. Overcoming an addiction is not only soberness. I would say I am not fully sober when I am thinking of my addiction and the problems it has caused. I have to honestly put faith in The Lord that He will help me overcome future situations and even steer me away from compromising situations. Recovery is clear when I realize I have been presented with a situation and did not even consider indulgence. Humility in that situation only comes from realizing that it was The Lord who gave me that strength and that I did not develop that on my own.
As I strive for more humility, I hope and pray that someday I will reach that highest level of humility and free myself from the chains of addiction.
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