So, after confessing to my girlfriend that I slipped again, I received a comment from her. It has been on my mind all day long. She said, "I know you don't intentionally slip and I am very grateful for all the progress you are making."
This really got me thinking about my situation and led to the following ramblings:
What are my intentions?
What do I intend to happen? Where do I intend to go? What do I intend to benefit? What do I intend the outcome to be? Who do I intend to associate with? When do I intend on moving on to the next step? What do I intend to learn?
These are questions that can be answered positively or negatively. They can be asked of the recovery or they can be asked of the addiction. What are my intentions?
When I am in the heat of the temptation, what are my intentions? I would think that at that time, my intentions are simple to be selfish, self-gratifying, and to never give up the sin. In the heat of recovery, I would say that I am planning for the future, drawing closer to The Lord, and wanting to be free.
I think this is part of what keeps me chained to this addiction in the first place. Do I actually intend to give it up and sever ties with it or do I intend to hide it, suppress it, and coddle it for the rest of my life? Am I actually recovering it or finding ways to justify it?
Any goal set for recovery is usually good and based on good, strong beliefs, practices, experiences, and patterns. But when those intentions are ignored what is there? I can't find anything. My mind actually draws a blank when I contemplate the purpose of participating in my addiction. It has no purpose. Selfish pleasure, loss of The Spirit, self-ostracization, and fantasy are the fruits. The only intention is to never change. I don't intend on doing anything else when giving in to the temptation.
Perhaps solid contemplation on the intent of what I am doing will help steer my in the direction I need to go to reach the next step of recovery. If I intend to do something, it usually gets done!
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