Are You True?

February 10, 2014; 12:27 am:

I cannot sleep and temptation is high. For this reason I am going to embark on this journal for the reason it was created.

I have had a lot to think about tonight. Most importantly, I can't help think about about one of the talks I heard in church today. Are you true?

Anyone watching me closely would not have suspected I was paying that close attention to the talks given in church today. My girlfriend and I had somehow managed to "adopt" the kids of one of our bishopric counselors. His wife is expecting and has three other little ones. The second was cuddling against me drawing peacefully on my iPad while another was playing games on the iPad of my girlfriend. Nevertheless, I heard most of what was said. In fact, I was listening intently.

I am not sure if the experience the sister in the ward gave was of her own life or one she was quoting from an article, but I am almost certain it was from her own (I guess I was distracted at least that much). At any rate, in the story, there was a shy girl who had joined the church and a a paper-back copy of the Book of Mormon fell out of her locker. Three girls nearby saw the book and asked first if it as a religious book. She answered yes. Then they asked if it was a Mormon book. She said yes. Finally, after a brief hesitation, they asked her, "Are you true?"

The sister who gave this talk related this to members of the church being "active" and yet stated that it would make a whole lot more sense if we asked each other if we were "true." This stuck with me.

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I found the following quote by President Hinckley from 1996 in the talk "Stand True and Faithful":

"We believe in being true. How very important it is to be true to ourselves. Each of us has a thing we call conscience. We know the difference between right and wrong. We do not have to be instructed concerning what is good and what is evil. I think we know that. We know when we have done the wrong thing, and we suffer pangs of conscience. We know when we have done the right thing, and we experience a sense of happiness. To be true to ourselves means being an example of righteous living in all situations and circumstances."

 Am I true?

As I go throughout the day thinking on my addiction and going through the daily motions, am I true to myself? Am I true to my girlfriend by honestly reporting when I slip and being open and honest with my feelings and emotions? Am I being true to others in the church by faithfully performing the duties I am called to fulfill with diligence and effort? Am I true to myself by being honest about my situation and call for help when I know I am in trouble of slipping again?

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I had a small quarrel with my girlfriend tonight and it has preoccupied my mind. In the discussion I discovered just how much she cares for me and is willing to do for me; to wait for me. I asked her what her future plans were, she told me. She asked the same of me, I obliged. And yet, I feel a longing.

I told her I long to be a father. When I held those children in my arms, I was the happiest person in the world. I didn't want Sacrament Meeting to end. The end of the meeting was the end of bliss. I was being influenced by a piece of innocence. In essence, a bit of Heaven was in my grasp. The angst I felt to have children of my own only grew.

Straightway my girlfriend told me that I need to harness that desire and make it grow. I immediately thought of the parable in the Book of Mormon in Alma Chapter 32 where if I plant the seed of desire in my heart and let it grow to a fruitful tree, I could nourish it and it could grow and produce fruit unto everlasting life.


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I believe the temptation has passed. I will be able to sleep, though it be late. I pray The Lord will be with me the rest of this night.

 Am I true?