Don't Ignore the Spirit

February 14, 2014; 10:20 pm:

I don't know if it is the anticipation of the event, or the fact that I just feel like I can overcome anything, but I always seem to stop short of reaching my goal for partaking the sacrament in church. All I have to do is reach two weeks for my goal to be complete each time. I was supposed to take it this Sunday. I was doing extremely well. I did not make it this time. . . .

I mentioned in group last week that I refer to my addiction as lust rather than only referring to pornography and self-gratification. Quite frankly, it is not the dictionary definition of "pornography" that I am after either. The only thing I seek to feed the addiction is lust. The more I lust, the more I feel satisfied. Anything else is only there to produce the endorphins my body has learned to crave and indulge on. For this reason I have set certain parameters--avoiding self-appointed triggers. Basically, I am not allowed to do certain things in order to avoid causing the slip in the first place.

I was having an amazing day today. I was able to come home from work early and spend some great time with my girlfriend. Sadly, I have brought a horrible end to the day by giving in to temptation. I was beginning to be tempted almost immediately when I got home. This was set off by my giving into lust earlier in the day. I almost indulged in this second temptation of the day, but caught myself and decided to wash the dishes instead. Luckily, my girlfriend was getting off work and asked when I wanted company. I told her anytime was good. I needed her right away. Thankfully, she got there right on time. I thought I was doing well the whole time. I should have told her how hard it was to keep my mind focused. Instead, I grew tired and felt exhausted. Perhaps the exhaustion was set off by the mental work exerted to overcome the temptation. I am not sure.

Soon enough, it was time for her to head home. The temptation hit almost instantly after she left. I was on my way to get into bed and had the impression that I should call my sponsor and have him talk with me long enough to put everything away and get into bed. I did not listen! Instead I gave into my indulgence. Always right before my goal!

The impression was as clear as can be. There was no voice, there was no deafening thunder, there was no flash of light. . .only the clear and distinct impression to text somebody on my phone while I prepared for bed. Had I listened I would be free tonight to state that I am doing well. But, I did not. I also received an impression to blog on here. I did not heed that one either! Luckily, I was again told afterward to blog to de-stress and cool down. Thankfully, I listened to that one and now that I have, I am more clearly able to see what I need to do to improve next time.

My girlfriend has told me on several occasions to look back and discover what was different this time from times in the past so I can make sure that does not happen again in the future. I discovered that I need to avoid lustful thoughts throughout the day in order to avoid indulgences in the evening. Most importantly over all, however, is to obey when I receive promptings! I thought I would easily enough just go to bed. I don't know why I keep fooling myself into this misconception, but it seems to be a pattern.

I am eager to break those patterns. It is only by breaking the patterns that I can progress more effectively. Through step-work, abstinence, and relying on the mercies of The Savior I will be able to be healed and have my garments washed clean!