February 14, 2014; 10:20 pm:
I don't know if it is the anticipation of the event, or the fact that I just feel like I can overcome anything, but I always seem to stop short of reaching my goal for partaking the sacrament in church. All I have to do is reach two weeks for my goal to be complete each time. I was supposed to take it this Sunday. I was doing extremely well. I did not make it this time. . . .
I mentioned in group last week that I refer to my addiction as lust rather than only referring to pornography and self-gratification. Quite frankly, it is not the dictionary definition of "pornography" that I am after either. The only thing I seek to feed the addiction is lust. The more I lust, the more I feel satisfied. Anything else is only there to produce the endorphins my body has learned to crave and indulge on. For this reason I have set certain parameters--avoiding self-appointed triggers. Basically, I am not allowed to do certain things in order to avoid causing the slip in the first place.
I was having an amazing day today. I was able to come home from work early and spend some great time with my girlfriend. Sadly, I have brought a horrible end to the day by giving in to temptation. I was beginning to be tempted almost immediately when I got home. This was set off by my giving into lust earlier in the day. I almost indulged in this second temptation of the day, but caught myself and decided to wash the dishes instead. Luckily, my girlfriend was getting off work and asked when I wanted company. I told her anytime was good. I needed her right away. Thankfully, she got there right on time. I thought I was doing well the whole time. I should have told her how hard it was to keep my mind focused. Instead, I grew tired and felt exhausted. Perhaps the exhaustion was set off by the mental work exerted to overcome the temptation. I am not sure.
Soon enough, it was time for her to head home. The temptation hit almost instantly after she left. I was on my way to get into bed and had the impression that I should call my sponsor and have him talk with me long enough to put everything away and get into bed. I did not listen! Instead I gave into my indulgence. Always right before my goal!
The impression was as clear as can be. There was no voice, there was no deafening thunder, there was no flash of light. . .only the clear and distinct impression to text somebody on my phone while I prepared for bed. Had I listened I would be free tonight to state that I am doing well. But, I did not. I also received an impression to blog on here. I did not heed that one either! Luckily, I was again told afterward to blog to de-stress and cool down. Thankfully, I listened to that one and now that I have, I am more clearly able to see what I need to do to improve next time.
My girlfriend has told me on several occasions to look back and discover what was different this time from times in the past so I can make sure that does not happen again in the future. I discovered that I need to avoid lustful thoughts throughout the day in order to avoid indulgences in the evening. Most importantly over all, however, is to obey when I receive promptings! I thought I would easily enough just go to bed. I don't know why I keep fooling myself into this misconception, but it seems to be a pattern.
I am eager to break those patterns. It is only by breaking the patterns that I can progress more effectively. Through step-work, abstinence, and relying on the mercies of The Savior I will be able to be healed and have my garments washed clean!
Friday, February 14, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Keep At It
February 2, 1014; 9:01 pm:
I really did not want to blog tonight, but then decided that I had to. It had to be done even if all I did was get on here to say that I did it. Well, I have. But while I am here, I may as well write too....
I noticed that my last post seemed to have good feedback and it got me thinking about what I am doing here. I blog as a way to get my mind off the addiction while simultaneously writing about it. I have to admit: I did not want to write today. I'll tell you why. I did not want to write because I was being tempted. It's an interesting thing to consider. Now that I have decided that I must write in the blog weekly (and am lovingly prodded to do so by my girlfriend), it has been a whole new temptation not to. This is something I was not expecting.
To be frank, I have been getting more varied temptation lately. I feel some urgency to avoid it at all costs, but the flavor of the temptation in my mind is so rich, that it has been a struggle. So long as I keep at it, I will become stronger. As I become stronger, I will have a greater desire to write and will know exactly what I need to write.
Today a scripture, 2 Nephi 32:8-9:
I really did not want to blog tonight, but then decided that I had to. It had to be done even if all I did was get on here to say that I did it. Well, I have. But while I am here, I may as well write too....
I noticed that my last post seemed to have good feedback and it got me thinking about what I am doing here. I blog as a way to get my mind off the addiction while simultaneously writing about it. I have to admit: I did not want to write today. I'll tell you why. I did not want to write because I was being tempted. It's an interesting thing to consider. Now that I have decided that I must write in the blog weekly (and am lovingly prodded to do so by my girlfriend), it has been a whole new temptation not to. This is something I was not expecting.
To be frank, I have been getting more varied temptation lately. I feel some urgency to avoid it at all costs, but the flavor of the temptation in my mind is so rich, that it has been a struggle. So long as I keep at it, I will become stronger. As I become stronger, I will have a greater desire to write and will know exactly what I need to write.
Today a scripture, 2 Nephi 32:8-9:
This particular scripture enters my mind regularly. I adapt it to my situation daily. The Spirit teaches a man to pray. He also teaches a man to read his scriptures, go to bed on time, stay away from temptation triggers, and spend time working on recovery steps. The evil spirit will teach a man to avoid all of these and to indulge in fantasies. I need to learn to recognize more fully when the Spirit is teaching me that I need to get on my blog and consider my recovery versus me not wanting to get on solely because I want to go to bed. Practice and patience will be key in my journey.8 And now, my beloved brethren, I perceive that ye ponder still in your hearts; and it grieveth me that I must speak concerning this thing. For if ye would hearken unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray, ye would know that ye must pray; for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray.9 But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Are You True?
February 10, 2014; 12:27 am:
I cannot sleep and temptation is high. For this reason I am going to embark on this journal for the reason it was created.
I have had a lot to think about tonight. Most importantly, I can't help think about about one of the talks I heard in church today. Are you true?
Anyone watching me closely would not have suspected I was paying that close attention to the talks given in church today. My girlfriend and I had somehow managed to "adopt" the kids of one of our bishopric counselors. His wife is expecting and has three other little ones. The second was cuddling against me drawing peacefully on my iPad while another was playing games on the iPad of my girlfriend. Nevertheless, I heard most of what was said. In fact, I was listening intently.
I am not sure if the experience the sister in the ward gave was of her own life or one she was quoting from an article, but I am almost certain it was from her own (I guess I was distracted at least that much). At any rate, in the story, there was a shy girl who had joined the church and a a paper-back copy of the Book of Mormon fell out of her locker. Three girls nearby saw the book and asked first if it as a religious book. She answered yes. Then they asked if it was a Mormon book. She said yes. Finally, after a brief hesitation, they asked her, "Are you true?"
The sister who gave this talk related this to members of the church being "active" and yet stated that it would make a whole lot more sense if we asked each other if we were "true." This stuck with me.
______________
I found the following quote by President Hinckley from 1996 in the talk "Stand True and Faithful":
As I go throughout the day thinking on my addiction and going through the daily motions, am I true to myself? Am I true to my girlfriend by honestly reporting when I slip and being open and honest with my feelings and emotions? Am I being true to others in the church by faithfully performing the duties I am called to fulfill with diligence and effort? Am I true to myself by being honest about my situation and call for help when I know I am in trouble of slipping again?
______________
I had a small quarrel with my girlfriend tonight and it has preoccupied my mind. In the discussion I discovered just how much she cares for me and is willing to do for me; to wait for me. I asked her what her future plans were, she told me. She asked the same of me, I obliged. And yet, I feel a longing.
I told her I long to be a father. When I held those children in my arms, I was the happiest person in the world. I didn't want Sacrament Meeting to end. The end of the meeting was the end of bliss. I was being influenced by a piece of innocence. In essence, a bit of Heaven was in my grasp. The angst I felt to have children of my own only grew.
Straightway my girlfriend told me that I need to harness that desire and make it grow. I immediately thought of the parable in the Book of Mormon in Alma Chapter 32 where if I plant the seed of desire in my heart and let it grow to a fruitful tree, I could nourish it and it could grow and produce fruit unto everlasting life.
______________
I believe the temptation has passed. I will be able to sleep, though it be late. I pray The Lord will be with me the rest of this night.
Am I true?
I cannot sleep and temptation is high. For this reason I am going to embark on this journal for the reason it was created.
I have had a lot to think about tonight. Most importantly, I can't help think about about one of the talks I heard in church today. Are you true?
Anyone watching me closely would not have suspected I was paying that close attention to the talks given in church today. My girlfriend and I had somehow managed to "adopt" the kids of one of our bishopric counselors. His wife is expecting and has three other little ones. The second was cuddling against me drawing peacefully on my iPad while another was playing games on the iPad of my girlfriend. Nevertheless, I heard most of what was said. In fact, I was listening intently.
I am not sure if the experience the sister in the ward gave was of her own life or one she was quoting from an article, but I am almost certain it was from her own (I guess I was distracted at least that much). At any rate, in the story, there was a shy girl who had joined the church and a a paper-back copy of the Book of Mormon fell out of her locker. Three girls nearby saw the book and asked first if it as a religious book. She answered yes. Then they asked if it was a Mormon book. She said yes. Finally, after a brief hesitation, they asked her, "Are you true?"
The sister who gave this talk related this to members of the church being "active" and yet stated that it would make a whole lot more sense if we asked each other if we were "true." This stuck with me.
______________
I found the following quote by President Hinckley from 1996 in the talk "Stand True and Faithful":
"We believe in being true. How very important it is to be true to ourselves. Each of us has a thing we call conscience. We know the difference between right and wrong. We do not have to be instructed concerning what is good and what is evil. I think we know that. We know when we have done the wrong thing, and we suffer pangs of conscience. We know when we have done the right thing, and we experience a sense of happiness. To be true to ourselves means being an example of righteous living in all situations and circumstances."Am I true?
As I go throughout the day thinking on my addiction and going through the daily motions, am I true to myself? Am I true to my girlfriend by honestly reporting when I slip and being open and honest with my feelings and emotions? Am I being true to others in the church by faithfully performing the duties I am called to fulfill with diligence and effort? Am I true to myself by being honest about my situation and call for help when I know I am in trouble of slipping again?
______________
I had a small quarrel with my girlfriend tonight and it has preoccupied my mind. In the discussion I discovered just how much she cares for me and is willing to do for me; to wait for me. I asked her what her future plans were, she told me. She asked the same of me, I obliged. And yet, I feel a longing.
I told her I long to be a father. When I held those children in my arms, I was the happiest person in the world. I didn't want Sacrament Meeting to end. The end of the meeting was the end of bliss. I was being influenced by a piece of innocence. In essence, a bit of Heaven was in my grasp. The angst I felt to have children of my own only grew.
Straightway my girlfriend told me that I need to harness that desire and make it grow. I immediately thought of the parable in the Book of Mormon in Alma Chapter 32 where if I plant the seed of desire in my heart and let it grow to a fruitful tree, I could nourish it and it could grow and produce fruit unto everlasting life.
______________
I believe the temptation has passed. I will be able to sleep, though it be late. I pray The Lord will be with me the rest of this night.
Am I true?
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Remember the Progress
February 4, 2014; 8:01 pm:
This entry is intended to be small. I just wanted to point out that it was nice to go see my bishop today. Though I am not even close to being over this addiction, as they never truly go away, I am glad to report to my bishop that there was progress.
Sometimes I find it hard to look back and see what has happened. This time last year I had decided that I was no longer going to even try to overcome it. Now, I have come a long way and can see the temple in my sights (especially since my girlfriend gave me enough temple pictures to cover every wall of my house!).
Sober a little longer, avoiding a few more triggers, withstanding certain temptations, changing the channel, switching the radio station, looking the other way. . . .
It is good to see progress. Step-by-step I move along. I can't ever ignore that.
This entry is intended to be small. I just wanted to point out that it was nice to go see my bishop today. Though I am not even close to being over this addiction, as they never truly go away, I am glad to report to my bishop that there was progress.
Sometimes I find it hard to look back and see what has happened. This time last year I had decided that I was no longer going to even try to overcome it. Now, I have come a long way and can see the temple in my sights (especially since my girlfriend gave me enough temple pictures to cover every wall of my house!).
Sober a little longer, avoiding a few more triggers, withstanding certain temptations, changing the channel, switching the radio station, looking the other way. . . .
It is good to see progress. Step-by-step I move along. I can't ever ignore that.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Running Away?
Friday, January 31, 2014, 10:22pm:
I have to come to a realization with myself: I have spent the last few days running away from my emotions and any manner of recovery. Some excuses were legitimate, to balance out my life's activities. Others were just excuses. The problem is: I have been running away.
I have noticed a few trends that follow soberness:
Day 1: Jittery. I have to white-knuckle through the day.
Day 2: Binge. I want to indulge in the recent slip rationalizing that it's "only been one day."
Day 3: Strength. I begin to feel confident in my ability to be clean.
Day 4: Decision. I decide that I am going to make it through.
Day 5: Withdrawals. This is a white-knuckle day. Extra prayer and staying busy is a must.
Day 6: Confidence. Knowing I've made it through Day 5 gives me strength to continue the fight.
Day 7: Second withdrawals. I start getting random, heavy anxiety. Brain chemistry begins to settle and I "want a fix." The dreams begin.
Day 8: Second confidence. Knowing I've beat Day 7 boosts me through the day.
Day 9: Third withdrawals. Now my body craves the addiction. My mind is preoccupied with the addiction. I just want to run away and pretend the addiction doesn't exist. This is the day I have slipped on the most. The dreams get more vivid. I begin to boast in my own strength that I am able to overcome the addiction on my own.
After Day 9, I feel like I have strength. The problem is, the urge to run away seems to take over my whole being. I don't want to admit to myself that I have an addiction in the first place let alone talk with my sponsor, my girlfriend, or my bishop.
What scares me the most are the dreams.
I was told once before that, even in the subconscious, we will only make the decisions we would make in real life. I am beginning to doubt that philosophy. The dreams have given me rationalization to slip before. Plus, when I awake from one, I feel as though I have slipped already.
The dreams begin innocent enough, but are very vivid. Being even slightly sober, I tend to sleep better and have more frequent and vivid dreams of all types; sometimes up to four or five a night which I can remember once I awake. The memories of the dreams are fleeting for most, but some stick like tar in the back of my mind and last for days, weeks, or even years. Those are the dreams I despise. I do not think they are nightmares, only chemical-induced fantasies propagated by the brain's lack of endorphins provided by acting in the addiction.
Nevertheless, I tend to "lose myself" in those dreams. Some, like last night's, are simply the variety of "being in the right place at the right time" where I get to spy on someone. Some are devious, where I prey, seduce, and deceive. As mentioned before, they all begin innocent. In the dream I will be talking and one thing will lead to another where I find myself alone with a girl. Very rarely have I had the strength in those dreams to resist.
The feelings of guilt for acting out within the dream are sometimes strong enough to make me think that I have given in for that season of soberness and must therefore confess my "sin" and start the count over as though I am on Day 1 again. The problem is, that since the images were created in my mind, and I have an addiction to them, I remember them for a long, long time. I have prayed many times not to receive them and for help to forget them. The Lord always helps.
Unfortunately, the more sober I become, the more frequently the dreams appear. I have a theory that they will fade over months as my body learns it does not need those chemicals caused by such "excitement" to be satisfied.
My cowardly decision to run away kicks in about then. I feel happy being free and want to run away from blog posting, group meetings, and check-ins on sobriety just so I don't have to think about the addiction.
I need to make sure I do not give into the pride this time. It is not worth it.
Thankfully, there are two other types of dreams which flash in my mind during periods of sobriety: playing with and raising my future children, and going on a second, third, or even fourth mission (depending on how the dream plays out). Perhaps I should concentrate on those. I've had them this week as well.
I have to come to a realization with myself: I have spent the last few days running away from my emotions and any manner of recovery. Some excuses were legitimate, to balance out my life's activities. Others were just excuses. The problem is: I have been running away.
I have noticed a few trends that follow soberness:
Day 1: Jittery. I have to white-knuckle through the day.
Day 2: Binge. I want to indulge in the recent slip rationalizing that it's "only been one day."
Day 3: Strength. I begin to feel confident in my ability to be clean.
Day 4: Decision. I decide that I am going to make it through.
Day 5: Withdrawals. This is a white-knuckle day. Extra prayer and staying busy is a must.
Day 6: Confidence. Knowing I've made it through Day 5 gives me strength to continue the fight.
Day 7: Second withdrawals. I start getting random, heavy anxiety. Brain chemistry begins to settle and I "want a fix." The dreams begin.
Day 8: Second confidence. Knowing I've beat Day 7 boosts me through the day.
Day 9: Third withdrawals. Now my body craves the addiction. My mind is preoccupied with the addiction. I just want to run away and pretend the addiction doesn't exist. This is the day I have slipped on the most. The dreams get more vivid. I begin to boast in my own strength that I am able to overcome the addiction on my own.
After Day 9, I feel like I have strength. The problem is, the urge to run away seems to take over my whole being. I don't want to admit to myself that I have an addiction in the first place let alone talk with my sponsor, my girlfriend, or my bishop.
What scares me the most are the dreams.
I was told once before that, even in the subconscious, we will only make the decisions we would make in real life. I am beginning to doubt that philosophy. The dreams have given me rationalization to slip before. Plus, when I awake from one, I feel as though I have slipped already.
The dreams begin innocent enough, but are very vivid. Being even slightly sober, I tend to sleep better and have more frequent and vivid dreams of all types; sometimes up to four or five a night which I can remember once I awake. The memories of the dreams are fleeting for most, but some stick like tar in the back of my mind and last for days, weeks, or even years. Those are the dreams I despise. I do not think they are nightmares, only chemical-induced fantasies propagated by the brain's lack of endorphins provided by acting in the addiction.
Nevertheless, I tend to "lose myself" in those dreams. Some, like last night's, are simply the variety of "being in the right place at the right time" where I get to spy on someone. Some are devious, where I prey, seduce, and deceive. As mentioned before, they all begin innocent. In the dream I will be talking and one thing will lead to another where I find myself alone with a girl. Very rarely have I had the strength in those dreams to resist.
The feelings of guilt for acting out within the dream are sometimes strong enough to make me think that I have given in for that season of soberness and must therefore confess my "sin" and start the count over as though I am on Day 1 again. The problem is, that since the images were created in my mind, and I have an addiction to them, I remember them for a long, long time. I have prayed many times not to receive them and for help to forget them. The Lord always helps.
Unfortunately, the more sober I become, the more frequently the dreams appear. I have a theory that they will fade over months as my body learns it does not need those chemicals caused by such "excitement" to be satisfied.
My cowardly decision to run away kicks in about then. I feel happy being free and want to run away from blog posting, group meetings, and check-ins on sobriety just so I don't have to think about the addiction.
I need to make sure I do not give into the pride this time. It is not worth it.
Thankfully, there are two other types of dreams which flash in my mind during periods of sobriety: playing with and raising my future children, and going on a second, third, or even fourth mission (depending on how the dream plays out). Perhaps I should concentrate on those. I've had them this week as well.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Shown My Weaknesses
January 21, 2014, 6:15 pm:
I have decided that I need to begin working on Step Six items even while working Steps Four and Five. The one I chose to comment on today is the concept from Ether 12:27:
I wonder how I am with accepting the awakening of this verse. I find myself sometimes not wanting to be humble. Being humble means that I have to take responsibility for my actions as well as actively try to change my behaviors. Of course, that's the whole point of recovery. If there is no movement, no growth, and no change, then the only thing left is self-pity, doubt, regret, and all the other consequences of participating in the addiction.
Do I really want to know my weaknesses? Step Four is definitely good for that one. But I really understand the why men have weaknesses already....
Several years ago, one of my bishops pointed out in a way how my own addiction had become a blessing in my life. I mentioned to him that night that I understood the basics of the atonement and knew and understood the importance of it. My problem was that I didn't seem to understand what difference it made for me in my life. He related to me that nobody really understands the atonement until it has worked for them. Though my test was not the test he was given, it was still there to help me understand just how much I needed to rely on the Savior and turn my life over to him. It was a way for me to learn that I need Him! I could abstain the rest of my life and live perfectly from now on, but the only one who can erase the past is Christ. I have to trust in Him.
This is how a weak thing can be made strong. I am weak in my addiction, but as I learn to turn it over the The Lord, I become strong in testimony and faith.
I have decided that I need to begin working on Step Six items even while working Steps Four and Five. The one I chose to comment on today is the concept from Ether 12:27:
" And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
I wonder how I am with accepting the awakening of this verse. I find myself sometimes not wanting to be humble. Being humble means that I have to take responsibility for my actions as well as actively try to change my behaviors. Of course, that's the whole point of recovery. If there is no movement, no growth, and no change, then the only thing left is self-pity, doubt, regret, and all the other consequences of participating in the addiction.
Do I really want to know my weaknesses? Step Four is definitely good for that one. But I really understand the why men have weaknesses already....
Several years ago, one of my bishops pointed out in a way how my own addiction had become a blessing in my life. I mentioned to him that night that I understood the basics of the atonement and knew and understood the importance of it. My problem was that I didn't seem to understand what difference it made for me in my life. He related to me that nobody really understands the atonement until it has worked for them. Though my test was not the test he was given, it was still there to help me understand just how much I needed to rely on the Savior and turn my life over to him. It was a way for me to learn that I need Him! I could abstain the rest of my life and live perfectly from now on, but the only one who can erase the past is Christ. I have to trust in Him.
This is how a weak thing can be made strong. I am weak in my addiction, but as I learn to turn it over the The Lord, I become strong in testimony and faith.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Moving Forward
January 14, 2013, 8:21 pm:
This entry is intended to be short, though I have been thinking about it since last Thursday. Basically, I decided that I can go ahead and move forward in the 12 Step program past Step 3. I kept thinking that I was stuck in Step 3 trying to accept the Lord as my Savior and Redeemer. I had done that. What I was really confused about was knowing when I had given enough over to Him to know that He guided me along my path.
We covered Step 6 in group last week and I realized that most of my fixations have centered around concepts found within there. That is where I turn over completely to The Lord and wholeheartedly obey the commandments as a new lifestyle. I realized that that can only come after Steps 4 and 5 are completed. It finally made sense to me. I have to find my faults, give them up, and then confess sins completely before I can officially turn myself over to the new lifestyle.
The explanation of the realization does not come out as clearly as the inspiration was. Of course, that is rarely ever the case for anything. At any rate, it became clear to me to revisit working out a moral inventory and then present future plans to my bishop. My plan seems rather basic to anyone reading it, but for some reason it sticks out as inspiration in my mind.
It feels good to move on and not feel so stagnant.
....okay, my ramblings are over. My mind is racing a million miles a second and yet, I can't think of anything! Sometimes you just have to brainstorm and get things officially written out. Thank goodness for a journal (and my girlfriend reminding me to write in it!).
This entry is intended to be short, though I have been thinking about it since last Thursday. Basically, I decided that I can go ahead and move forward in the 12 Step program past Step 3. I kept thinking that I was stuck in Step 3 trying to accept the Lord as my Savior and Redeemer. I had done that. What I was really confused about was knowing when I had given enough over to Him to know that He guided me along my path.
We covered Step 6 in group last week and I realized that most of my fixations have centered around concepts found within there. That is where I turn over completely to The Lord and wholeheartedly obey the commandments as a new lifestyle. I realized that that can only come after Steps 4 and 5 are completed. It finally made sense to me. I have to find my faults, give them up, and then confess sins completely before I can officially turn myself over to the new lifestyle.
The explanation of the realization does not come out as clearly as the inspiration was. Of course, that is rarely ever the case for anything. At any rate, it became clear to me to revisit working out a moral inventory and then present future plans to my bishop. My plan seems rather basic to anyone reading it, but for some reason it sticks out as inspiration in my mind.
It feels good to move on and not feel so stagnant.
....okay, my ramblings are over. My mind is racing a million miles a second and yet, I can't think of anything! Sometimes you just have to brainstorm and get things officially written out. Thank goodness for a journal (and my girlfriend reminding me to write in it!).
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