Saturday, 17 Aug 2013, 2:09 PM
So, a couple days ago, my girlfriend convinced me that it might be time to add a page blocker to my internet. I've always been living by the lie I told myself that I am strong enough to overcome the temptation to look. This is such a silly thing to live by. Had that been true, I wouldn't have the addiction in the first place would I? At any rate, a few days ago, I was doing another random search and one thing led to another. Now I'm back to Day 3 of being sober again, but it feels a little different.
I've always referred to the addiction to pornography as a private sin. This is something I have always done by myself. I don't share it with anyone, I don't advertise that I do it, I sneak around to do it, I wait until there is absolutely nobody watching before indulging. And if that isn't enough, as soon as I do it, even though I currently live alone, I will delete browser history etc. etc. etc. Basically, I had convinced myself that because this was a private sin, I could overcome it privately.
Well, my girlfriend had come across a free service that will block specific websites at differing levels. At first I wanted to give in to my "I'm-strong-enough attitude". In fact, it took three or four days before I was willing to even admit to her that it was a good idea. I always knew it would be a good idea. I just didn't want to give in to the truth that I need a parental blocker installed on my computer. But if I'm going to complain and whine like a child, then I must not be that grown-up am I?
The day after I last slipped (more of a delayed binge), Stephanie came over to set it up. She asked me whether I wanted the control over the password or if she should just do it. She reminded me that by having it, it gives me one more second of time to decide not to give in. Then she mentioned that she could add a personalized message to appear when clicking on an inappropriate site. This was a selling point for me. Thank goodness my commonsense kicked in. I told her not to give me the password. I know myself. If I have the password, I'll use it.
Well, she got it done in just a few minutes' time. When she was done, she did some testing and looking around her administration capabilities. She even handed it to me to add specific websites I knew were weaknesses already. Thankfully they were already on the blocked list.
It was then she discovered the most important piece of information: she can view a web history as an administrator, even remotely. This little piece of information is going to be a life-saver for me. The sin is no longer private. I now have to be more careful. There is no more hiding the sin. In fact, I see this as a way to increase trust between us. I have to trust her not to pry into everything I do on the Internet (even though I gave her permission to do so) and she has to trust me enough not to go searching for things I ought not. Obviously, if she thinks I am not keeping my end she can check. I, however, plan on being honest enough about the whole situation that this will not need to be the case.
Now, when I sit down at the computer I am a little more relieved. I know that if I am contemplating messing up, someone could be watching. I am not alone anymore.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Monday, August 12, 2013
Temple Temptation
12 Aug 2013, 5:49 AM
So, a couple months back, as one of my goals, I decided to make it to the temple at least once a month. I can not go in at this time, but if I keep the habit, then I will be able to keep going once I can. It is at least worth it to get dressed, travel the two hours to get there and wander the grounds.
I have noticed, however, that Satan definitely does not like me to go. The pattern this last few months has been me dragging my feet about going and then, when I get home, those are the very nights I end up slipping.
Yesterday's trip was worth it, as they always are. I got to see family and spend time with Stephanie. She goes in and has been waiting patiently for me to be worthy to go in too.
The battle is real. But with the temple in sight and in the plan, I know I will get inside someday. The Lord has told me many times my answers will be given there. I need to get there to receive them!
So, a couple months back, as one of my goals, I decided to make it to the temple at least once a month. I can not go in at this time, but if I keep the habit, then I will be able to keep going once I can. It is at least worth it to get dressed, travel the two hours to get there and wander the grounds.
I have noticed, however, that Satan definitely does not like me to go. The pattern this last few months has been me dragging my feet about going and then, when I get home, those are the very nights I end up slipping.
Yesterday's trip was worth it, as they always are. I got to see family and spend time with Stephanie. She goes in and has been waiting patiently for me to be worthy to go in too.
The battle is real. But with the temple in sight and in the plan, I know I will get inside someday. The Lord has told me many times my answers will be given there. I need to get there to receive them!
Friday, August 9, 2013
Scheduling
9 Aug 2013, 4:46 AM
Yesterday I attended group as usual. I like my Thursday night group. The problem is that now that school has started, my extra-curricular activities might interfere. I would like to continue meeting with this group because I like the format they have. After we have the sharing portion of the meeting we have a question-and-answer portion where we can ask the group questions and get direct advice. Other groups in town do not follow this pattern. I have another day of the week I can easily adjust to, but the only meetings on that night are very far away.
I originally attended e support group when it was still in its creation phase, back when it was co-ed even. That was very disturbing and awkward. It is very hard to admit that you have an addiction to pornography when there are women there. I quit going after only a month or two of those meetings. A few years later, I started going again out of guilt but then quit again because I didn't allow the group to help. Then I made it s summers only thing using the fact that because I commute to another town to teach, I couldn't attend group meetings. I found every excuse I could not to go.
It wasn't until this year that I started to appreciate group meetings and enjoy going. I feel the Spirit there when I go, I see familiar faces, I feel of others' testimonies, and several there actually discuss their successes since we have some who come who have been sober for years. It is interesting now that instead of trying to find excuses not to go, I am trying to determine how I am going to adjust my schedule so that I can always go.
I also kind of laughed at myself yesterday when I went because I was a little bit early. It used to be that I would pull up and try to hide the recovery manual and rush into the building so nobody saw me. This time I decided to just shoe up early and take a quick nap in the car while waiting for the doors to open. This must be a sign of recovery. I have become comfortable with my state in life and confident in the fact that I am on the road to recovery.
I hope I can find a way to continue meeting with my current group.
Yesterday I attended group as usual. I like my Thursday night group. The problem is that now that school has started, my extra-curricular activities might interfere. I would like to continue meeting with this group because I like the format they have. After we have the sharing portion of the meeting we have a question-and-answer portion where we can ask the group questions and get direct advice. Other groups in town do not follow this pattern. I have another day of the week I can easily adjust to, but the only meetings on that night are very far away.
I originally attended e support group when it was still in its creation phase, back when it was co-ed even. That was very disturbing and awkward. It is very hard to admit that you have an addiction to pornography when there are women there. I quit going after only a month or two of those meetings. A few years later, I started going again out of guilt but then quit again because I didn't allow the group to help. Then I made it s summers only thing using the fact that because I commute to another town to teach, I couldn't attend group meetings. I found every excuse I could not to go.
It wasn't until this year that I started to appreciate group meetings and enjoy going. I feel the Spirit there when I go, I see familiar faces, I feel of others' testimonies, and several there actually discuss their successes since we have some who come who have been sober for years. It is interesting now that instead of trying to find excuses not to go, I am trying to determine how I am going to adjust my schedule so that I can always go.
I also kind of laughed at myself yesterday when I went because I was a little bit early. It used to be that I would pull up and try to hide the recovery manual and rush into the building so nobody saw me. This time I decided to just shoe up early and take a quick nap in the car while waiting for the doors to open. This must be a sign of recovery. I have become comfortable with my state in life and confident in the fact that I am on the road to recovery.
I hope I can find a way to continue meeting with my current group.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Answering a Prayer for Pie
6 Aug 2013, 10:45 PM
So, I risked turning on my computer this evening to play some games since I just wanted to go to bed, but there were still several hours left before bed. Eventually, I got tired, so I shut off the game. As it turns out, tomorrow is the first day of school. I am excited to meet my new students. Anxiety sets in high on nights like this.
Naturally, I decided to go over some last-minute stuff and go over the rosters to learn a few names before tomorrow. As I did so, I looked at the clock and said, it's getting late, I can finally go to bed. Then, about 9:55 PM, the phone rings and it's my neighbor. Apparently, her oven went out and she had just started baking a pie. She wanted to know if she could come over and use my oven. I had no problem with that, I was up.
Well, it gave us a chance to catch up. I hadn't seen her in a while. Her mother is soon going to meet the Lord due to some mysterious, but increasing cancer. We got to talking about various things, family, finances, how quickly her children have grown up, etc. Eventually, though, we decided that my staying up was an answer to her prayers.
She has been having a rough time taking care of her severely autistic son who currently can't even live with her, taking care of her mother on her deathbed who has been given three weeks to live, raising her other children as a single mom, and working full-time. She decided she just plain needed some pie and ice cream. Well, I guess the Lord wanted her to have that little bit of peace in her life. He had me stay up late so she could bake a pie and have a conversation to clear her mind of her stresses and life challenges.
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Sometimes I find it easy to feel sorry for myself. I have an addiction and I think it's horrible. It is. But comparatively, my life is awesome. I have a wonderful job, a family who supports me, a girlfriend, my own home, a couple vehicles, a little cash to enjoy a movie now and then, and more. Sometimes, it's okay to just stop what I'm doing for a second, sacrifice a measly hour of sleep, and allow someone else the chance to have a piece of pie!
So, I risked turning on my computer this evening to play some games since I just wanted to go to bed, but there were still several hours left before bed. Eventually, I got tired, so I shut off the game. As it turns out, tomorrow is the first day of school. I am excited to meet my new students. Anxiety sets in high on nights like this.
Naturally, I decided to go over some last-minute stuff and go over the rosters to learn a few names before tomorrow. As I did so, I looked at the clock and said, it's getting late, I can finally go to bed. Then, about 9:55 PM, the phone rings and it's my neighbor. Apparently, her oven went out and she had just started baking a pie. She wanted to know if she could come over and use my oven. I had no problem with that, I was up.
Well, it gave us a chance to catch up. I hadn't seen her in a while. Her mother is soon going to meet the Lord due to some mysterious, but increasing cancer. We got to talking about various things, family, finances, how quickly her children have grown up, etc. Eventually, though, we decided that my staying up was an answer to her prayers.
She has been having a rough time taking care of her severely autistic son who currently can't even live with her, taking care of her mother on her deathbed who has been given three weeks to live, raising her other children as a single mom, and working full-time. She decided she just plain needed some pie and ice cream. Well, I guess the Lord wanted her to have that little bit of peace in her life. He had me stay up late so she could bake a pie and have a conversation to clear her mind of her stresses and life challenges.
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Sometimes I find it easy to feel sorry for myself. I have an addiction and I think it's horrible. It is. But comparatively, my life is awesome. I have a wonderful job, a family who supports me, a girlfriend, my own home, a couple vehicles, a little cash to enjoy a movie now and then, and more. Sometimes, it's okay to just stop what I'm doing for a second, sacrifice a measly hour of sleep, and allow someone else the chance to have a piece of pie!
Monday, August 5, 2013
Forward-Reflection
5 Aug 2013, 9:24 PM
I am caught in strange thought tonight. I received an e-mail with a video of my grandmother in hospice care struggling to leave a farewell message to her posterity. I do not expect her to last very much longer. My grandfather will probably follow her shortly.
I remember when I was around 10 years old, my grandfather re-married after his first wife had passed away. I went with my family to visit and as soon as I walked in the room, his new wife was standing there and called me by name. I had a new grandma.
It occurs to me that I have known her longer than I have known this addiction. She has been strong and assumed her role quickly. I know that I can do the same. I wish to honor her as she requested my family remember to keep "peace, harmony, and love in the family." I will best be able to accomplish this if I can do so righteously.
But the thought also crossed my mind how thin the veil can be sometimes. Our ancestors look after us and watch what we do on a daily basis. My grandma knows who I am and cares for me. I am sure, that once she departs this world and goes on to the next, that she will look after me. Well, if that is the case, then she will know my addiction. How strong will I be? When she looks to see how I am doing what will she see? Will she see an honorable Priesthood bearer who has overcome the temptations of the devil? Will she see, perhaps, a struggling man calling on the Lord to help him overcome trials and tribulations? Or will I let her down and will she see a broken man with crimson garments ignoring those things he knows are true?
She is not gone yet, but when she does go, I want her visions of me to be good ones. I want her to turn to the other spirits around her, perhaps to my grandpa's first wife, my natural grandmother, and say, "Look, there is our grandson. I am so proud of him. Look what he has become! Thank you for letting me share your family for a season and feel of their love, honor, and nobility! I am proud to say he is my grandson. I can't wait to share an eternity with him!"
I am caught in strange thought tonight. I received an e-mail with a video of my grandmother in hospice care struggling to leave a farewell message to her posterity. I do not expect her to last very much longer. My grandfather will probably follow her shortly.
I remember when I was around 10 years old, my grandfather re-married after his first wife had passed away. I went with my family to visit and as soon as I walked in the room, his new wife was standing there and called me by name. I had a new grandma.
It occurs to me that I have known her longer than I have known this addiction. She has been strong and assumed her role quickly. I know that I can do the same. I wish to honor her as she requested my family remember to keep "peace, harmony, and love in the family." I will best be able to accomplish this if I can do so righteously.
But the thought also crossed my mind how thin the veil can be sometimes. Our ancestors look after us and watch what we do on a daily basis. My grandma knows who I am and cares for me. I am sure, that once she departs this world and goes on to the next, that she will look after me. Well, if that is the case, then she will know my addiction. How strong will I be? When she looks to see how I am doing what will she see? Will she see an honorable Priesthood bearer who has overcome the temptations of the devil? Will she see, perhaps, a struggling man calling on the Lord to help him overcome trials and tribulations? Or will I let her down and will she see a broken man with crimson garments ignoring those things he knows are true?
She is not gone yet, but when she does go, I want her visions of me to be good ones. I want her to turn to the other spirits around her, perhaps to my grandpa's first wife, my natural grandmother, and say, "Look, there is our grandson. I am so proud of him. Look what he has become! Thank you for letting me share your family for a season and feel of their love, honor, and nobility! I am proud to say he is my grandson. I can't wait to share an eternity with him!"
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Why am I so Weak?
4 Aug 2013, 6:12 AM
Why am I so weak? Here I am, having failed again. It is disheartening to keep doing so. I am only making it 2-3 days each time. Granted, this is an improvement from several months ago, but I keep giving in. And what are the triggers I keep falling for: random searches on the web. These lead to specific searches. And specific search inevitably lead to inappropriate searches. Then my mind wants to enter the collection stage. . .etc. etc.
Where else did I go wrong? Well, I don't think I have been very good at saying sincere prayers. I'm pretty sure that I have not been reading the scriptures sincerely. I have been procrastinating and being insincere in my check-ups. And most importantly, I am not listening to the promptings to stop.
Yesterday, I had a prompting that came clearly in my head. It said: "Stop Immediately!" It said it once again, and I pondered on it, but I figured I was safe. I was wrong. Had I listened, I would have been safe. I have been trusting in my own arm instead of relying on the Lord.
Sometimes I think it would be better if I just left my computer off all the time I'm home. I should, at least, do this when I feel week or activate a trigger. It is going to be tough, but if I constantly make it available, then I might constantly indulge.
It's time to accept the help from the Lord. I heard someone mention in group they need work praying in the moment. I need to also. By praying in the moment, I will get the help I need. I know. I've tried it. But I have to do more than pray. I need to run also. Just as Joseph fled Potiphar's wife, I can flee my computer. Just get up and walk away. Leave the house. Go for a drive. But leave!
And one more thing: I keep forgetting to keep my eye on my goal. It is important to concentrate on each day, but more importantly, I need to remember that someday, I will have an eternal family. I will have children I will raise. They will love and honor me, and be glad that I am their father--just as my Patriarchal Blessing states. But I have to rely on the Lord if I am going to make this happen. Someday this weakness will become a strength. I must not give in. I must overcome. I must keep my eye on my goal.
Why am I so weak? Here I am, having failed again. It is disheartening to keep doing so. I am only making it 2-3 days each time. Granted, this is an improvement from several months ago, but I keep giving in. And what are the triggers I keep falling for: random searches on the web. These lead to specific searches. And specific search inevitably lead to inappropriate searches. Then my mind wants to enter the collection stage. . .etc. etc.
Where else did I go wrong? Well, I don't think I have been very good at saying sincere prayers. I'm pretty sure that I have not been reading the scriptures sincerely. I have been procrastinating and being insincere in my check-ups. And most importantly, I am not listening to the promptings to stop.
Yesterday, I had a prompting that came clearly in my head. It said: "Stop Immediately!" It said it once again, and I pondered on it, but I figured I was safe. I was wrong. Had I listened, I would have been safe. I have been trusting in my own arm instead of relying on the Lord.
Sometimes I think it would be better if I just left my computer off all the time I'm home. I should, at least, do this when I feel week or activate a trigger. It is going to be tough, but if I constantly make it available, then I might constantly indulge.
It's time to accept the help from the Lord. I heard someone mention in group they need work praying in the moment. I need to also. By praying in the moment, I will get the help I need. I know. I've tried it. But I have to do more than pray. I need to run also. Just as Joseph fled Potiphar's wife, I can flee my computer. Just get up and walk away. Leave the house. Go for a drive. But leave!
And one more thing: I keep forgetting to keep my eye on my goal. It is important to concentrate on each day, but more importantly, I need to remember that someday, I will have an eternal family. I will have children I will raise. They will love and honor me, and be glad that I am their father--just as my Patriarchal Blessing states. But I have to rely on the Lord if I am going to make this happen. Someday this weakness will become a strength. I must not give in. I must overcome. I must keep my eye on my goal.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Calm
I am rather calm right now. It might be because Stephanie is a massage therapist and worked on my arms today, it might be that it was just a good day.
It is a good day. I am going back to work now. There is no better way to get the whole thing off my mind than to be completely engaged in something else. Of course, it comes with the price that there is a weekend next. I have chosen to leave my computer off and am typing this on my iPad instead. Though there is still access to evil, it is much less likely.
I have also decided, via recommendation, that I need to avoid YouTube for a while. It is too easy to find what I shouldn't. They show up in the thumbnails when I'm watching other random videos. Then, somehow, like a magnet, both my eyes and my mouse hover over it for a bit and end up selecting it. This happened only a couple days ago. However, thanks to going to work, I did not indulge in binging. That can sometimes last several days. Avoiding YouTube for a couple weeks should help.
I really am quite calm right now. It's kind of nice actually. Otherwise I would be sitting here nervously worrying about staying sober tomorrow. It doesn't seem like an issue right now. Part of me says I should relax and not worry. The other part of me is reminding me to keep my guard up. It is always when I least expect it that it will show up the worst.
It is a good day. I am going back to work now. There is no better way to get the whole thing off my mind than to be completely engaged in something else. Of course, it comes with the price that there is a weekend next. I have chosen to leave my computer off and am typing this on my iPad instead. Though there is still access to evil, it is much less likely.
I have also decided, via recommendation, that I need to avoid YouTube for a while. It is too easy to find what I shouldn't. They show up in the thumbnails when I'm watching other random videos. Then, somehow, like a magnet, both my eyes and my mouse hover over it for a bit and end up selecting it. This happened only a couple days ago. However, thanks to going to work, I did not indulge in binging. That can sometimes last several days. Avoiding YouTube for a couple weeks should help.
I really am quite calm right now. It's kind of nice actually. Otherwise I would be sitting here nervously worrying about staying sober tomorrow. It doesn't seem like an issue right now. Part of me says I should relax and not worry. The other part of me is reminding me to keep my guard up. It is always when I least expect it that it will show up the worst.
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