Tuesday, 15 Oct 2013, 4:14pm
It has been a long time since I have written on this blog. Rather, it has been a long time since I have spent enough thought about the addiction to make any real progress. On my last post, I was getting ready to take the sacrament. I am not there. In fact, I have been much worse lately than I was a while back.
I have not been able to go past five days for quite some time. I keep blaming the slips on this and that. Quite frankly, I can blame it on all I want. But if I am going to be truly honest, it is because I have not been trying or trusting in the Lord. I have been having a really hard time letting go and handing the issue over to the Lord. I will trust the Lord concerning tithing, safety, and taking care of my family. However, when it comes to my own addictions, I am selfish. I have been keeping the Lord out and not letting Him heal me.
The real reason I keep slipping is because I want to do this on my own even when I know I can't. I flirt with temptation. It flirts back. Then I get bit. Putting my hand in a pot of boiling water will always get it burned. Isn't that how the saying goes: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." --Unknown
Then there is my girlfriend. I keep asking her how she can put up with me. She keeps telling me there is nothing to put up with. Realistically, I have only been actively trying to overcome the addiction since I have been with her. I can think I can pull the wool over her eyes as much as I want, but she is too smart for that. I should know better. How can I be in a drunken state and expect to think more clearly than someone who is perfectly sober? But it doesn't end there. Each time I slip I immediately report it to her. It breaks her heart, I'm sure, and it breaks mine to tell her; but she quickly forgives me, tells me that I am loved, and encourages me to move on. I am getting better, but it is slow. Another thing she does is ask what I have learned. I will try to shirk the answer every time, but she pries it out of me. I like to think that each slip is just that, then it's over, and I move on. She annalyzes the situations and looks for patterns for me to recognize how to avoid that particular situation in the future. I hope it is getting through my thick skull.
I finally got a sponsor to help me, but I'm not sure if I chose the right person. I think I will have to go with someone else soon. Maybe when I attend group this week, I will ask another brother who is there. Nevertheless, I told my sponsor that though I have been writing these blogs and working the steps in my own way, I have never really answered the questions in the "Study and Understanding" section of the Addiction Recovery manual. Therefore, I told him that though I am probably realistically floating between steps 3 and 5, I should start with Step 1, actually think out those questions, and go from there.
Here is a response to the questions in the Study and Understanding section of Step 1:
I. The addiction truly is a trap. I feel trapped all the time. In fact, the main reason I gave myself for not giving it up earlier was the fact that I was so trapped in it that I would never get out. Truthfully, I sat down one day and decided (and I shudder to think I did) that I actually preferred seeing pictures more than I enjoyed exercising the Priesthood. It hurts to think that I even thought that way once. I can't believe I did. Thankfully, I have overcome that aspect of it. The trouble now is that the desire is not fully gone. I have instead replaced it with hatred of the filth. My girlfriend has reminded me that that hatred is not healthy and is not one of the fruits of the Spirit. Rather I should love God instead and trust that the future overcoming of the addiction become a strength for helping others instead of something to be loathed.
II. The situations which weaken me into giving into the addiction are feelings of estrangement. In my mind, the addiction was my "friend." It was always there. It never judged me. I could spend as much time with it as I wanted. It never complained. It accepted me for who I was. Oh how I was wrong! What it did is rip me away from others. It preoccupied all my time and had a choke hold on my life. It couldn't be left alone. It encouraged me to be selfish and lonely.
III. A scripture regularly goes through my mind which I have found, through my own experience, to be very, very, very true:
Matthew 6:24 -- "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon."
If I am to get anywhere in this addiction, I MUST turn my life over to the Lord and SERVE Him. Trusting Him to take it away is not enough. I must be willing to do what He says. That's how covenants work.
IV. Nothingness vs. Infinite Worth
Really, I have learned quickly that I am nothing. This addiction has beat me down so many times, I have learned that I am nothing when it comes to overcoming it on my own. Moses realized how majestic and powerful the Lord is. I am learning that myself. It's not that I am insignificant, that is not the case. It is that the Lord understands so much better than I do. He was just waiting for me to realize it and come to Him for help. As I do, I will be better able to grasp it. I think the main idea I need consider here is that I need to look UP toward heaven rather than DOWN in sorrow due to the addiction.
V. I know what it is like to be thirsty. I experienced it on a 50-mile hike when I was a teenager. I have never wanted water as much as then or ever since. Sadly, I have not had thirst for the gospel to that intensity. When I reach that point, I know I will be ready to do anything to overcome my issues. I think as I begin to sober, I will begin to recognize the empty void I have left behind more clearly. Only then, will I thirst for that which satiates the soul. Only then will I be completely honest in my dealing with others and with myself that I am sincerely working on being clean.
VI. Honesty goes a long way. I rarely completely lied about having an addiction, but I was pretty good at changing the subject. I played the hypocrite for a long, long time. Sometimes I feel like I am still in that state. In many ways I am. Sexual addiction is a very private addiction. To be honest with others makes it public and helps me overcome the double-standard I had been living for so long. It hurts to admit it. It hurts others when it is made known. But wounds can only be treated if they are tended to.
VII. I think I am in the state of being compelled to be humble. I have been sitting on the fence of letting the Lord heal me for so long, the Lord has decided to start poking me with a stick so that I will lose my balance and finally start moving in His direction. Except sometimes that stick seems to be the trunk of a giant redwood! After attending group meetings and reading other blogs, I have learned that my particular situation is quite typical even if it feels like a mountain to me. But as I listen to some of the mountains others have climbed and how much taller they are than mine, I find some hope. At times, I pile on a little more dirt onto my mountain and make it taller for myself. At times, the Lord reminds me that I need the proper equipment for climbing. In order to be completely humble about it though, I definitely need to invite the Lord along for the hike.
VIII. There has not been one priesthood ordination, setting apart, blessing, or otherwise I have received in the past 10 years where I was not told the Lord was pleased with my progress and efforts. There have been a few where I was told He wanted me to get to work and try harder. The Lord is the ultimate example of forgiveness. He delights in all righteousness. As I produce good fruit, the Lord delights in it. I need to as well.
