March 25, 2014; 8:16 pm:
So I have been feeling very stagnant lately and have not been putting much effort into the actual steps of recovery. I'm guessing that the two go together. So, I opened up the addiction recovery manual and found an interesting question: "How strong is your willingness to yield your heart to God instead of yielding to the addiction in the moment of temptation?"
This is an interesting thought I think I might like to ponder more carefully. It seems that the only slips I have had lately in my soberness have come from these spur-of-the-moment happenings. I have not been purposely seeking out any manner of giving in to the temptations and have removed almost anything that will let it in, so far as is reasonable and practical. However, I find myself not able to put in that one bit of extra effort required in order to overcome these temptations.
Perhaps something comes on TV. Am I able to change the channel? Usually. The problem is that I do not call anyone and tell them that I need someone to talk to in order to overcome the thoughts that have entered into my mind from it.
Perhaps something appears in a game advertisement. Am I able not to look. Usually. The problem is, I take note of how I found the add and leave a calling card as how to return to it.
Perhaps I spy a beautiful daughter of God who has dressed immodestly. Can I look away? Usually. The problem is that I do not always have a prayer in my heart to not dwell on it all day long and allow it to seep into my mind deeper and deeper until it becomes an obsession.
Am I willing to allow myself to turn to God instead of yield to the addiction of the moment? Usually. But I have not been trying hard enough. I have not been praying in the moment. I have not been calling for the support and advice from others in the moment. I have not pulled out my scriptures, sung a hymn, or stared at the myriad of pictures of temples around my house in the moment. I am getting caught up in the moment and using it as an excuse to linger.
I must not linger.
As I learn to call on The Lord and others as these temptations come, it will be easier and easier to avoid them in the future. I know it will. Perhaps this will also eliminate much of the stagnation I have felt as a result of it.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Three Dreams
March 15, 2014; 5:55 AM:
I had three dreams last night. Two were about the addiction. One was about self-worth and character.
In the first dream, I found myself 15 years younger with my next older brother who was younger also, except that we already had the life experiences we now have. I remember being extremely open about the addiction with my brother, as we both have this addiction. In the dream, I remembered real-life history that he has been divorced and re-married. I asked him, in the dream, what he thought about specific situations within the addiction and the recovery program; whether or not he had done certain things and what he thought about overcoming them. I would then respond with what I thought and had done.
What caught me off guard was how brief his answers were and how he seemed to have no feeling. He wasn't disinterested in the conversation, but he seemed to brush off each question as though they were conquered and he didn't have to talk about them anymore. My replies were specific and I remember feeling peace as I answered them, that I had overcome specific portions of the addiction and was on the right path. I remember worrying that he was sober, but not recovered and worried that I would not be the same way. The dream ended with me telling him: "I have a rule, that no matter who it is I will marry in the future, before we get married, I will tell her about my addiction. If I don't, then I am not being honest with her." I remember seeing my brother's face in shock and concern for his own situation, then the dream closed.
---
The second dream was much shorter. In this dream, I was older, but still with my brother. This one took place in my girlfriend's grandparents' home. Apparently, the entire family new of my addiction and it was decided by my girlfriend's grandmother and myself that my brother and I go for a drive with her grandfather. He asked us where we should go. I replied, "Anywhere at least 15 minutes away where we can talk." He drove us to a place in front of a retirement trailer park and told us the importance of being clean. He referred to talks by general authorities of the church and explained that it was one of the biggest problems we had in society today. Again, I felt peace thinking about what he said and my responses were true and with conviction. The conversation ended and the youth from the ward came to the car and started to talk with us. I remember that they had a lot of respect for me and loved me. Then this dream closed.
---
The third dream was a little different. I was in the military with two others who were my friends (nobody I knew in real life). Apparently, we had received information that somehow we already knew a little of the future of our Recruiting Sergeant. We knew that he was a harsh leader, but fair and demanding and otherwise a really nice guy. It was our responsibility to join his platoon and watch out for him since we knew he was going to die soon from a heart attack, right before giving out cookies (this is important later). I therefore joined up and was somehow a higher rank than others as I had some privileges the other soldiers did not and I always was first in line.
The Sergeant regularly inspected our packs and organization skills. The dream ran through three or four of these in a row. I was eventually caught stashing some extra snack food in my pack, but he only had me throw it out and no more. He explained that if I was to be in charge of a group of soldiers I had to set the example.
The time eventually came that he started showing signs of the heart attack. I ran and grabbed the other guys who knew it was going to happen and we joined our Sergeant in a supply room. We asked him what we should do. He told us to go ahead and take our share of the fresh chocolate chip cookies from the table on the other side of the room. We thought it strange this was his request when he told us one more piece of instruction: we were allowed to take as many cookies as we wanted so long as we had issues we had to overcome and stated what they were. We were to have anyone who took them do the same. However, we were not allowed to eat them, we had to give them to someone else. I immediately picked one up and said, "Well, I can take one right now. I have flat feet." I took a cookie and gave it to my Sergeant. He smiled exhaustively. Immediately, I thought of other issues I had, especially concerning my addictions and how many cookies I should take and give away. I felt a great peace once again. This is where the third dream ended.
I had three dreams last night. Two were about the addiction. One was about self-worth and character.
In the first dream, I found myself 15 years younger with my next older brother who was younger also, except that we already had the life experiences we now have. I remember being extremely open about the addiction with my brother, as we both have this addiction. In the dream, I remembered real-life history that he has been divorced and re-married. I asked him, in the dream, what he thought about specific situations within the addiction and the recovery program; whether or not he had done certain things and what he thought about overcoming them. I would then respond with what I thought and had done.
What caught me off guard was how brief his answers were and how he seemed to have no feeling. He wasn't disinterested in the conversation, but he seemed to brush off each question as though they were conquered and he didn't have to talk about them anymore. My replies were specific and I remember feeling peace as I answered them, that I had overcome specific portions of the addiction and was on the right path. I remember worrying that he was sober, but not recovered and worried that I would not be the same way. The dream ended with me telling him: "I have a rule, that no matter who it is I will marry in the future, before we get married, I will tell her about my addiction. If I don't, then I am not being honest with her." I remember seeing my brother's face in shock and concern for his own situation, then the dream closed.
---
The second dream was much shorter. In this dream, I was older, but still with my brother. This one took place in my girlfriend's grandparents' home. Apparently, the entire family new of my addiction and it was decided by my girlfriend's grandmother and myself that my brother and I go for a drive with her grandfather. He asked us where we should go. I replied, "Anywhere at least 15 minutes away where we can talk." He drove us to a place in front of a retirement trailer park and told us the importance of being clean. He referred to talks by general authorities of the church and explained that it was one of the biggest problems we had in society today. Again, I felt peace thinking about what he said and my responses were true and with conviction. The conversation ended and the youth from the ward came to the car and started to talk with us. I remember that they had a lot of respect for me and loved me. Then this dream closed.
---
The third dream was a little different. I was in the military with two others who were my friends (nobody I knew in real life). Apparently, we had received information that somehow we already knew a little of the future of our Recruiting Sergeant. We knew that he was a harsh leader, but fair and demanding and otherwise a really nice guy. It was our responsibility to join his platoon and watch out for him since we knew he was going to die soon from a heart attack, right before giving out cookies (this is important later). I therefore joined up and was somehow a higher rank than others as I had some privileges the other soldiers did not and I always was first in line.
The Sergeant regularly inspected our packs and organization skills. The dream ran through three or four of these in a row. I was eventually caught stashing some extra snack food in my pack, but he only had me throw it out and no more. He explained that if I was to be in charge of a group of soldiers I had to set the example.
The time eventually came that he started showing signs of the heart attack. I ran and grabbed the other guys who knew it was going to happen and we joined our Sergeant in a supply room. We asked him what we should do. He told us to go ahead and take our share of the fresh chocolate chip cookies from the table on the other side of the room. We thought it strange this was his request when he told us one more piece of instruction: we were allowed to take as many cookies as we wanted so long as we had issues we had to overcome and stated what they were. We were to have anyone who took them do the same. However, we were not allowed to eat them, we had to give them to someone else. I immediately picked one up and said, "Well, I can take one right now. I have flat feet." I took a cookie and gave it to my Sergeant. He smiled exhaustively. Immediately, I thought of other issues I had, especially concerning my addictions and how many cookies I should take and give away. I felt a great peace once again. This is where the third dream ended.
-------
I have thoughts as to these dreams. I am not so sure that they are inspired, but I do not think that they are uninspired either. The feelings of peace and concern for others buoyed me up to work harder but also gave me thoughts that perhaps I am doing better than I thought. The first thoughts I had after awaking from this dream were (1) that I should not worry about the addiction and trust The Lord and (2) that I should immediately write these dreams down -- specifically on this blog -- before I forget them. I really like the cookie idea. I might like to do that activity someday.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Close the Back Door
March 4, 2014; 8:42 pm:
A quick thought I have had lately is making sure I close the back doors to sin. Recently, I had more filters installed and blocked seemingly good websites which occasionally have the potential to let indecent pictures slip their way in.
I have removed several of these back doors and am now testing how much better I am with dealing with temptation. What I have noticed so far is that I am much more easily able to overcome and stay sober.
Having a filter is only the first step. Getting rid of the back doors through the filter takes more work, diligence, honesty, and humility.
A quote from one of my favorite talks by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, April 2010 General Conference talk "Place no More for the Enemy of My Soul":
A quick thought I have had lately is making sure I close the back doors to sin. Recently, I had more filters installed and blocked seemingly good websites which occasionally have the potential to let indecent pictures slip their way in.
I have removed several of these back doors and am now testing how much better I am with dealing with temptation. What I have noticed so far is that I am much more easily able to overcome and stay sober.
Having a filter is only the first step. Getting rid of the back doors through the filter takes more work, diligence, honesty, and humility.
A quote from one of my favorite talks by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, April 2010 General Conference talk "Place no More for the Enemy of My Soul":
Whether we be single or married, young or old, let’s talk for a moment about how to guard against temptation in whatever form it may present itself. We may not be able to cure all of society’s ills today, but let’s speak of what some personal actions can be.
Above all, start by separating yourself from people, materials, and circumstances that will harm you. As those battling something like alcoholism know, the pull of proximity can be fatal. So too in moral matters. Like Joseph in the presence of Potiphar’s wife, 4 just run—run as far away as you can get from whatever or whoever it is that beguiles you. And please, when fleeing the scene of temptation, do not leave a forwarding address.
Acknowledge that people bound by the chains of true addictions often need more help than self-help, and that may include you. Seek that help and welcome it. Talk to your bishop. Follow his counsel. Ask for a priesthood blessing. Use the Church’s Family Services offerings or seek other suitable professional help. Pray without ceasing. Ask for angels to help you.
Along with filters on computers and a lock on affections, remember that the only real control in life is self-control. Exercise more control over even the marginal moments that confront you. If a TV show is indecent, turn it off. If a movie is crude, walk out. If an improper relationship is developing, sever it. Many of these influences, at least initially, may not technically be evil, but they can blunt our judgment, dull our spirituality, and lead to something that could be evil. An old proverb says that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, 5 so watch your step.
Like thieves in the night, unwelcome thoughts can and do seek entrance to our minds. But we don’t have to throw open the door, serve them tea and crumpets, and then tell them where the silverware is kept! (You shouldn’t be serving tea anyway.) Throw the rascals out! Replace lewd thoughts with hopeful images and joyful memories; picture the faces of those who love you and would be shattered if you let them down. More than one man has been saved from sin or stupidity by remembering the face of his mother, his wife, or his child waiting somewhere for him at home. Whatever thoughts you have, make sure they are welcome in your heart by invitation only. As an ancient poet once said, let will be your reason. 6
Cultivate and be where the Spirit of the Lord is. Make sure that includes your own home or apartment, dictating the kind of art, music, and literature you keep there. If you are endowed, go to the temple as often as your circumstances allow. Remember that the temple arms you “with [God’s] power, … [puts His] glory … round about [you], and [gives His] angels … charge over [you].” 7 And when you leave the temple, remember the symbols you take with you, never to be set aside or forgotten.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)