Why am I so Weak?

4 Aug 2013, 6:12 AM

Why am I so weak? Here I am, having failed again. It is disheartening to keep doing so. I am only making it 2-3 days each time. Granted, this is an improvement from several months ago, but I keep giving in. And what are the triggers I keep falling for: random searches on the web. These lead to specific searches. And specific search inevitably lead to inappropriate searches. Then my mind wants to enter the collection stage. . .etc. etc.

Where else did I go wrong? Well, I don't think I have been very good at saying sincere prayers. I'm pretty sure that I have not been reading the scriptures sincerely. I have been procrastinating and being insincere in my check-ups. And most importantly, I am not listening to the promptings to stop.

Yesterday, I had a prompting that came clearly in my head. It said: "Stop Immediately!" It said it once again, and I pondered on it, but I figured I was safe. I was wrong. Had I listened, I would have been safe. I have been trusting in my own arm instead of relying on the Lord.

Sometimes I think it would be better if I just left my computer off all the time I'm home. I should, at least, do this when I feel week or activate a trigger. It is going to be tough, but if I constantly make it available, then I might constantly indulge.

It's time to accept the help from the Lord. I heard someone mention in group they need work praying in the moment. I need to also. By praying in the moment, I will get the help I need. I know. I've tried it. But I have to do more than pray. I need to run also. Just as Joseph fled Potiphar's wife, I can flee my computer. Just get up and walk away. Leave the house. Go for a drive. But leave!

And one more thing: I keep forgetting to keep my eye on my goal. It is important to concentrate on each day, but more importantly, I need to remember that someday, I will have an eternal family. I will have children I will raise. They will love and honor me, and be glad that I am their father--just as my Patriarchal Blessing states. But I have to rely on the Lord if I am going to make this happen. Someday this weakness will become a strength. I must not give in. I must overcome. I must keep my eye on my goal.