Friday, January 31, 2014, 10:22pm:
I have to come to a realization with myself: I have spent the last few days running away from my emotions and any manner of recovery. Some excuses were legitimate, to balance out my life's activities. Others were just excuses. The problem is: I have been running away.
I have noticed a few trends that follow soberness:
Day 1: Jittery. I have to white-knuckle through the day.
Day 2: Binge. I want to indulge in the recent slip rationalizing that it's "only been one day."
Day 3: Strength. I begin to feel confident in my ability to be clean.
Day 4: Decision. I decide that I am going to make it through.
Day 5: Withdrawals. This is a white-knuckle day. Extra prayer and staying busy is a must.
Day 6: Confidence. Knowing I've made it through Day 5 gives me strength to continue the fight.
Day 7: Second withdrawals. I start getting random, heavy anxiety. Brain chemistry begins to settle and I "want a fix." The dreams begin.
Day 8: Second confidence. Knowing I've beat Day 7 boosts me through the day.
Day 9: Third withdrawals. Now my body craves the addiction. My mind is preoccupied with the addiction. I just want to run away and pretend the addiction doesn't exist. This is the day I have slipped on the most. The dreams get more vivid. I begin to boast in my own strength that I am able to overcome the addiction on my own.
After Day 9, I feel like I have strength. The problem is, the urge to run away seems to take over my whole being. I don't want to admit to myself that I have an addiction in the first place let alone talk with my sponsor, my girlfriend, or my bishop.
What scares me the most are the dreams.
I was told once before that, even in the subconscious, we will only make the decisions we would make in real life. I am beginning to doubt that philosophy. The dreams have given me rationalization to slip before. Plus, when I awake from one, I feel as though I have slipped already.
The dreams begin innocent enough, but are very vivid. Being even slightly sober, I tend to sleep better and have more frequent and vivid dreams of all types; sometimes up to four or five a night which I can remember once I awake. The memories of the dreams are fleeting for most, but some stick like tar in the back of my mind and last for days, weeks, or even years. Those are the dreams I despise. I do not think they are nightmares, only chemical-induced fantasies propagated by the brain's lack of endorphins provided by acting in the addiction.
Nevertheless, I tend to "lose myself" in those dreams. Some, like last night's, are simply the variety of "being in the right place at the right time" where I get to spy on someone. Some are devious, where I prey, seduce, and deceive. As mentioned before, they all begin innocent. In the dream I will be talking and one thing will lead to another where I find myself alone with a girl. Very rarely have I had the strength in those dreams to resist.
The feelings of guilt for acting out within the dream are sometimes strong enough to make me think that I have given in for that season of soberness and must therefore confess my "sin" and start the count over as though I am on Day 1 again. The problem is, that since the images were created in my mind, and I have an addiction to them, I remember them for a long, long time. I have prayed many times not to receive them and for help to forget them. The Lord always helps.
Unfortunately, the more sober I become, the more frequently the dreams appear. I have a theory that they will fade over months as my body learns it does not need those chemicals caused by such "excitement" to be satisfied.
My cowardly decision to run away kicks in about then. I feel happy being free and want to run away from blog posting, group meetings, and check-ins on sobriety just so I don't have to think about the addiction.
I need to make sure I do not give into the pride this time. It is not worth it.
Thankfully, there are two other types of dreams which flash in my mind during periods of sobriety: playing with and raising my future children, and going on a second, third, or even fourth mission (depending on how the dream plays out). Perhaps I should concentrate on those. I've had them this week as well.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Shown My Weaknesses
January 21, 2014, 6:15 pm:
I have decided that I need to begin working on Step Six items even while working Steps Four and Five. The one I chose to comment on today is the concept from Ether 12:27:
I wonder how I am with accepting the awakening of this verse. I find myself sometimes not wanting to be humble. Being humble means that I have to take responsibility for my actions as well as actively try to change my behaviors. Of course, that's the whole point of recovery. If there is no movement, no growth, and no change, then the only thing left is self-pity, doubt, regret, and all the other consequences of participating in the addiction.
Do I really want to know my weaknesses? Step Four is definitely good for that one. But I really understand the why men have weaknesses already....
Several years ago, one of my bishops pointed out in a way how my own addiction had become a blessing in my life. I mentioned to him that night that I understood the basics of the atonement and knew and understood the importance of it. My problem was that I didn't seem to understand what difference it made for me in my life. He related to me that nobody really understands the atonement until it has worked for them. Though my test was not the test he was given, it was still there to help me understand just how much I needed to rely on the Savior and turn my life over to him. It was a way for me to learn that I need Him! I could abstain the rest of my life and live perfectly from now on, but the only one who can erase the past is Christ. I have to trust in Him.
This is how a weak thing can be made strong. I am weak in my addiction, but as I learn to turn it over the The Lord, I become strong in testimony and faith.
I have decided that I need to begin working on Step Six items even while working Steps Four and Five. The one I chose to comment on today is the concept from Ether 12:27:
" And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
I wonder how I am with accepting the awakening of this verse. I find myself sometimes not wanting to be humble. Being humble means that I have to take responsibility for my actions as well as actively try to change my behaviors. Of course, that's the whole point of recovery. If there is no movement, no growth, and no change, then the only thing left is self-pity, doubt, regret, and all the other consequences of participating in the addiction.
Do I really want to know my weaknesses? Step Four is definitely good for that one. But I really understand the why men have weaknesses already....
Several years ago, one of my bishops pointed out in a way how my own addiction had become a blessing in my life. I mentioned to him that night that I understood the basics of the atonement and knew and understood the importance of it. My problem was that I didn't seem to understand what difference it made for me in my life. He related to me that nobody really understands the atonement until it has worked for them. Though my test was not the test he was given, it was still there to help me understand just how much I needed to rely on the Savior and turn my life over to him. It was a way for me to learn that I need Him! I could abstain the rest of my life and live perfectly from now on, but the only one who can erase the past is Christ. I have to trust in Him.
This is how a weak thing can be made strong. I am weak in my addiction, but as I learn to turn it over the The Lord, I become strong in testimony and faith.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Moving Forward
January 14, 2013, 8:21 pm:
This entry is intended to be short, though I have been thinking about it since last Thursday. Basically, I decided that I can go ahead and move forward in the 12 Step program past Step 3. I kept thinking that I was stuck in Step 3 trying to accept the Lord as my Savior and Redeemer. I had done that. What I was really confused about was knowing when I had given enough over to Him to know that He guided me along my path.
We covered Step 6 in group last week and I realized that most of my fixations have centered around concepts found within there. That is where I turn over completely to The Lord and wholeheartedly obey the commandments as a new lifestyle. I realized that that can only come after Steps 4 and 5 are completed. It finally made sense to me. I have to find my faults, give them up, and then confess sins completely before I can officially turn myself over to the new lifestyle.
The explanation of the realization does not come out as clearly as the inspiration was. Of course, that is rarely ever the case for anything. At any rate, it became clear to me to revisit working out a moral inventory and then present future plans to my bishop. My plan seems rather basic to anyone reading it, but for some reason it sticks out as inspiration in my mind.
It feels good to move on and not feel so stagnant.
....okay, my ramblings are over. My mind is racing a million miles a second and yet, I can't think of anything! Sometimes you just have to brainstorm and get things officially written out. Thank goodness for a journal (and my girlfriend reminding me to write in it!).
This entry is intended to be short, though I have been thinking about it since last Thursday. Basically, I decided that I can go ahead and move forward in the 12 Step program past Step 3. I kept thinking that I was stuck in Step 3 trying to accept the Lord as my Savior and Redeemer. I had done that. What I was really confused about was knowing when I had given enough over to Him to know that He guided me along my path.
We covered Step 6 in group last week and I realized that most of my fixations have centered around concepts found within there. That is where I turn over completely to The Lord and wholeheartedly obey the commandments as a new lifestyle. I realized that that can only come after Steps 4 and 5 are completed. It finally made sense to me. I have to find my faults, give them up, and then confess sins completely before I can officially turn myself over to the new lifestyle.
The explanation of the realization does not come out as clearly as the inspiration was. Of course, that is rarely ever the case for anything. At any rate, it became clear to me to revisit working out a moral inventory and then present future plans to my bishop. My plan seems rather basic to anyone reading it, but for some reason it sticks out as inspiration in my mind.
It feels good to move on and not feel so stagnant.
....okay, my ramblings are over. My mind is racing a million miles a second and yet, I can't think of anything! Sometimes you just have to brainstorm and get things officially written out. Thank goodness for a journal (and my girlfriend reminding me to write in it!).
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Ask for Deliverance
January 7, 2014, 7:32 pm:
So, a question in the addiction recovery manual asks what it is that keeps me from crying mightily in humble prayer for deliverance from bondage and what has kept me from doing so in the past. I really don't know the answer.
The obvious answer is pride. Of course pride had prevented me from asking in the past, but now it's only part of the problem. Perhaps it had something to do with not wanting to be humble. Perhaps I was so set in my ways in the past that I had no real desire to change. Perhaps, though, it is because it is too easy not to. I had convinced myself that it was not worth it.
The truth of the matter is that I do want to change. I can change. I know The Lord will be there for me.
So, a question in the addiction recovery manual asks what it is that keeps me from crying mightily in humble prayer for deliverance from bondage and what has kept me from doing so in the past. I really don't know the answer.
The obvious answer is pride. Of course pride had prevented me from asking in the past, but now it's only part of the problem. Perhaps it had something to do with not wanting to be humble. Perhaps I was so set in my ways in the past that I had no real desire to change. Perhaps, though, it is because it is too easy not to. I had convinced myself that it was not worth it.
The truth of the matter is that I do want to change. I can change. I know The Lord will be there for me.
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