Running Away?

Friday, January 31, 2014, 10:22pm:

I have to come to a realization with myself: I have spent the last few days running away from my emotions and any manner of recovery. Some excuses were legitimate, to balance out my life's activities. Others were just excuses. The problem is: I have been running away.

I have noticed a few trends that follow soberness:

Day 1: Jittery. I have to white-knuckle through the day.
Day 2: Binge. I want to indulge in the recent slip rationalizing that it's "only been one day."
Day 3: Strength. I begin to feel confident in my ability to be clean.
Day 4: Decision. I decide that I am going to make it through.
Day 5: Withdrawals. This is a white-knuckle day. Extra prayer and staying busy is a must.
Day 6: Confidence. Knowing I've made it through Day 5 gives me strength to continue the fight.
Day 7: Second withdrawals. I start getting random, heavy anxiety. Brain chemistry begins to settle and I "want a fix." The dreams begin.
Day 8: Second confidence. Knowing I've beat Day 7 boosts me through the day.
Day 9: Third withdrawals. Now my body craves the addiction. My mind is preoccupied with the addiction. I just want to run away and pretend the addiction doesn't exist. This is the day I have slipped on the most. The dreams get more vivid. I begin to boast in my own strength that I am able to overcome the addiction on my own.

After Day 9, I feel like I have strength. The problem is, the urge to run away seems to take over my whole being. I don't want to admit to myself that I have an addiction in the first place let alone talk with my sponsor, my girlfriend, or my bishop.

What scares me the most are the dreams.

I was told once before that, even in the subconscious, we will only make the decisions we would make in real life. I am beginning to doubt that philosophy. The dreams have given me rationalization to slip before. Plus, when I awake from one, I feel as though I have slipped already.

The dreams begin innocent enough, but are very vivid. Being even slightly sober, I tend to sleep better and have more frequent and vivid dreams of all types; sometimes up to four or five a night which I can remember once I awake. The memories of the dreams are fleeting for most, but some stick like tar in the back of my mind and last for days, weeks, or even years. Those are the dreams I despise. I do not think they are nightmares, only chemical-induced fantasies propagated by the brain's lack of endorphins provided by acting in the addiction.

Nevertheless, I tend to "lose myself" in those dreams. Some, like last night's, are simply the variety of "being in the right place at the right time" where I get to spy on someone. Some are devious, where I prey, seduce, and deceive. As mentioned before, they all begin innocent. In the dream I will be talking and one thing will lead to another where I find myself alone with a girl. Very rarely have I had the strength in those dreams to resist.

The feelings of guilt for acting out within the dream are sometimes strong enough to make me think that I have given in for that season of soberness and must therefore confess my "sin" and start the count over as though I am on Day 1 again. The problem is, that since the images were created in my mind, and I have an addiction to them, I remember them for a long, long time. I have prayed many times not to receive them and for help to forget them. The Lord always helps.

Unfortunately, the more sober I become, the more frequently the dreams appear. I have a theory that they will fade over months as my body learns it does not need those chemicals caused by such "excitement" to be satisfied.

My cowardly decision to run away kicks in about then. I feel happy being free and want to run away from blog posting, group meetings, and check-ins on sobriety just so I don't have to think about the addiction.

I need to make sure I do not give into the pride this time. It is not worth it.

Thankfully, there are two other types of dreams which flash in my mind during periods of sobriety: playing with and raising my future children, and going on a second, third, or even fourth mission (depending on how the dream plays out). Perhaps I should concentrate on those. I've had them this week as well.