Leaving Fantasy Behind

February 18, 2014; 7:36 pm:

I thought for a moment as whether or not to post this particular entry only because it is really heart-felt and strong. But I decided that this is after-all my journal. I am only inviting others to read it for the sake of their own strength they may pull from my own, to know there are others who understand what you are going through. For those who are weaker, be careful reading what I am about to write that it does not trigger the wrong emotions in your own being. This entry is dark. This is simply something I have to write in order to get it out of my system and "into the open" so to speak. This is kind of something I would write for Step 4. Without further ado:

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There is something of a relationship I have seemed to form with my own addiction. I am regularly asked by those who help: "What is holding you back from being sober today?" Well, upon pondering on that thought, I have decided that a portion thereof belongs to this relationship I have with the addiction. Basically, at times, I don't want to get rid of it because it has become a life-long friend!

In the heat of the addiction, I would think about it all day long. Once I would return home from work or errands, I would rush to my computer, TV, printed material, etc. in order to greet my friend. Many hours would I spend with her. She would always be there. No matter what kind of a day I had, no matter my mood, no matter the circumstances I had in my life, I knew I could trust her to be there for me. She was always smiling. She was always patient. She was always open for suggestion. She did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. She never complained. She never ignored me.

The longer I got to know her, the more she let me in to her world. There came a point where I spent more time in her world than I spent in my own. I trusted her. I loved her.

This is where the fantasy comes in. She started to entice me with simple gestures and preening. I would reciprocate. Finally, she would show me that I was more and could do bigger and better things! Her idea of bigger and better was so much different than the rest of the world offered. This was enticing. I would embrace it and ask for more.

She was gentle in her maneuvers. She slowly, carefully, pulled me deeper into this romance we had invented together. She told me her deepest secrets and lulled me deeper, deeper, deeper until I found ultimate satisfaction.

Little did I know what had happened! I had been seduced by the ultimate seduction and was lost. I was so deep into her world, the fantasy created within my mind, that I had lost the very concept of reality! I was no longer in a romantic relationship. Rather, I was a slave. But I was not a slave who did physical labor and cater to every whim. I was the slave of fantasy who gave into lust to satisfy an unnatural, unreal desire.

In the midst of the clenching of her hands and arms around me, I was brought to the light of the matter and learned to recognize how deeply she had pulled me into her lair! I knew I had to get out, the only problem was: I didn't want to!

I wanted nothing more than to be free of the monster I had both created and loved. However, every time I would look her in the face, she would bat her eyes at me and pout. I could see the tears running down her cheeks and onto her chin. In a fantastical, absurd manner, I hated to leave her because I thought she would be hurt to be left alone! I did not want to give up my only love!

How was this possible?! It shouldn't have happened! How could I have possibly fallen in love with my own carnal nature and allowed it to pull me into the depths of misery, pain, and most of all: addiction?! I couldn't be! It shouldn't be! But it was. . . .

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So there you have it. I have tendencies to be stuck only because it hurts to let it go. Can I feel an emptiness inside for leaving behind that which I must? Perhaps. But it is the wrong kind of emptiness. Its real name is several fold: guilt, lust, desire, vanity, anxiety, helplessness, sorrow, false-hope, temptation, and more.

Yet, there is a cure: The Gospel of Jesus Christ and repentance. Only He will be able to fill the false void caused by the loss of this fake love affair. Only He can erase the memory of it. Only He can erase the pains. Only He can wipe my garments clean. And in some odd way, though I would never wish it on another or myself again, I am thankful I have had the opportunity to come clean just so I can get to know Him again!