Block it Out

Saturday, 17 Aug 2013, 2:09 PM

So, a couple days ago, my girlfriend convinced me that it might be time to add a page blocker to my internet. I've always been living by the lie I told myself that I am strong enough to overcome the temptation to look. This is such a silly thing to live by. Had that been true, I wouldn't have the addiction in the first place would I? At any rate, a few days ago, I was doing another random search and one thing led to another. Now I'm back to Day 3 of being sober again, but it feels a little different.

I've always referred to the addiction to pornography as a private sin. This is something I have always done by myself. I don't share it with anyone, I don't advertise that I do it, I sneak around to do it, I wait until there is absolutely nobody watching before indulging. And if that isn't enough, as soon as I do it, even though I currently live alone, I will delete browser history etc. etc. etc. Basically, I had convinced myself that because this was a private sin, I could overcome it privately.

Well, my girlfriend had come across a free service that will block specific websites at differing levels. At first I wanted to give in to my "I'm-strong-enough attitude". In fact, it took three or four days before I was willing to even admit to her that it was a good idea. I always knew it would be a good idea. I just didn't want to give in to the truth that I need a parental blocker installed on my computer. But if I'm going to complain and whine like a child, then I must not be that grown-up am I?

The day after I last slipped (more of a delayed binge), Stephanie came over to set it up. She asked me whether I wanted the control over the password or if she should just do it. She reminded me that by having it, it gives me one more second of time to decide not to give in. Then she mentioned that she could add a personalized message to appear when clicking on an inappropriate site. This was a selling point for me. Thank goodness my commonsense kicked in. I told her not to give me the password. I know myself. If I have the password, I'll use it.

Well, she got it done in just a few minutes' time. When she was done, she did some testing and looking around her administration capabilities. She even handed it to me to add specific websites I knew were weaknesses already. Thankfully they were already on the blocked list.

It was then she discovered the most important piece of information: she can view a web history as an administrator, even remotely. This little piece of information is going to be a life-saver for me. The sin is no longer private. I now have to be more careful. There is no more hiding the sin. In fact, I see this as a way to increase trust between us. I have to trust her not to pry into everything I do on the Internet (even though I gave her permission to do so) and she has to trust me enough not to go searching for things I ought not. Obviously, if she thinks I am not keeping my end she can check. I, however, plan on being honest enough about the whole situation that this will not need to be the case.

Now, when I sit down at the computer I am a little more relieved. I know that if I am contemplating messing up, someone could be watching. I am not alone anymore.