First Symptoms: Dreams

22 Jul 2013, 8:50 AM:

Today is Day 9. I am approaching my previous record of 9 1/2 which I made this last year. Once I surpass it, it will be the longest I have been sober and clean for over three years. Stephanie said to me last night, "I can tell a difference in you more easily. It's like you are more solid in my head. It's an interesting development. It's like you are becoming clearer." I feel like I can think more clearly. I do not have as much anxiety as I used to have all the time.

I had one of my first withdrawals last night however during my dreams. But this one was different somehow. Normally, when I get close to days 4 or 5, I will begin to have dreams where I am influenced to view pornography or hang out with temptresses. This did not happen until last night.

In this particular dream, I felt like I was a freshman in college again and I wanted to "fit in". In real life, this has never been one of my goals. I digress. In the dream I managed to procure a co-ed apartment where there were several girls living. There was a lot of rain and flooding going on in the streets. I bicycled all over town, barely missing pedestrians and cars along the route. I finally got to the building with the apartment and went through some strange doors and got to the main room of the apartment.

I went into the restroom and stripped myself and when I turned around into the main room, I saw the "leader" of the girls telling another guy to go away and demanding subservience to everyone in the room which included two girls, one of which was assigned as a long-term friend of mine by the dream, and one of my brothers. They only stood and watched. The leader girl was naked and kneeling on the floor and demanded that if I wanted to stay there, I needed to give her a massage right then and there.

Well, the situation led to me going forward with excessive petting and me beginning to find release. After a while, I realized what I was doing and got up. There was a look of utter disgust in the eyes of both my friend's and my brother's eyes. They did not want to leave. Finally, I got up and said I couldn't do this anymore.

I immediately got dressed. The leader girl demanded I stay and that tried to tempt me by saying that I was the only one for her and that everything I had ever wanted would be given to me if I stayed. I said no. I told my brother and friend, "We can never stay here. We know better. I'm just surprised you never had the courage to get up and leave." They looked ashamed even though I had done the worse actions. The leader girl yelled at me saying I would never be welcome back at her apartment ever. I didn't care. I wasn't coming back.

For a while I wandered outside feeling horrible that I had broken my streak of being clean and sober for this past week. I worried that I would have to start over and confess it once again to Stephanie and the Lord. When I woke up from the dream and realized that it was a dream, I was so relieved. I was relieved that not only was I still clean, but for the first time, when I had one of those dreams, I was able to leave the situation!

Normally, when I have those dreams, I feel really bad, dwell on it forever, and give in so it will stop bothering me. Not this time. Something has changed. I am a better person, and it shows--even in my subconscious! I just hope and pray the Lord will grant me strength when those dreams come again, that I will not participate at all.

I look forward to the healing. . . .