The Beginning

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5 Jul 2013, 11:51 AM:

I have just now decided that it is important to begin my own recovery journal. I am not sure if I am writing this to help other people (since most things I write are written with the intent others will read them), to help myself (as a reaction to craving triggers), or as a means to get everything on "paper" and then destroy it when I am cured. In fact, I am not even sure that I will ever want to read any previous entries again. Nevertheless, it has been a very long time since I have kept any sort of a journal and it was about time that I wrote about the number one thing that has been on my mind for years: pornography and masturbation.

I really don't know if I just simply want to write to get things off my mind to keep myself occupied or not, but that seems to be the purpose for it today. I want to write a full history of my issues, but then I realize that if the intent of this is to recover from the symptoms and withdrawals, then that may not be the best choice. I have never liked writing about the issue because it keeps it on my mind. However, I have noticed specific patterns in the withdrawals for myself and I think by recording them and otherwise making a record of them, I will be able to better recognize them when they come.

Today is only Day 2 in the recovery process once again. A couple months ago I made it 9 1/2 days straight. I have made it three days many many times in the past. Five days has always seemed like a major landmark for me, but it is also a day that scares me. For some reason, the withdrawals symptoms are strongest on Days 3 and 5. There must be something that is inherently messed up in my system that causes that. Somehow though, even though today is Day 2, it feels like Day 5!

I just right now read about how dopamine is the drug that is produced in the brain for gratification of sexual urges, drugs, etc:

http://www.reuniting.info/science/porn_addiction_withdrawal_symptoms

But in this particular article, I read that there is a type of withdrawal symptom akin to binging. Basically, when someone has been sober for a while, they will almost inevitably fall again. This leads to feeling depressed and worthless. Such feelings will lead to binging. It think this exact thing has happened to me and is one of the reasons I am so agitated right now. It would explain why my Day 2, which is usually a day that is easily overcome without thought or effort, is like a Day 5 which usually seems to feel like I'm strapped to a table and forced to think about my sexual desires.

Let me explain my current predicament: My birthday was a week and a half ago. That particular day was Day 3 in the current trial. I was excited, and wishing I would never do it again marking my birthday as "The Day I Gave up Pornography and Masturbation". Well, that is a day I mark on the calendar regularly. I have made that day over and over again. Birthdays, siblings' birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc. They all make a "perfect" reason to give it up and an easy way to remember when I did so that I can celebrate it the next year. Well, after ten years of that, I still haven't been able to. Cinco de Mayo (May 5th) was an excellent day this year and was Day 1 of the 9 1/2 day streak aforementioned, but, well, following that, I did four or five spouts of 5 days each and several spouts of binging. Anyone who notices patterns would realize that today is July 5th, marking the Fourth of July, Independence Day as Day 1 again. . . .

Well, let me get back on what I was talking about (as though there were any rhyme or reason as to what I was writing in the first place). Two days after my birthday this year, I hit Day 5 again. Day 5 is scary. It always is. It frightens me to approach it. Even when I am on Day 4, I worry how well I'm going to do on Day 5. Day 3 poses its own threats and problems, but I can usually overcome them just by telling myself that they won't be as bad as when Day 5 rolls around.

Well, I thought I would be smart and leave the house early. Leaving the house is one of the goals that I made for myself this year that has seemed to work pretty well at helping me leave the stickiest of the situations and get me away from the computer in times of weakness. I was doing great. I text-ed Stephanie (a pseudonym I'll use for my girlfriend) and was so excited that I was going to be clean. I was approaching the level of being sober and was loving life. The urges were hitting hard and regular as they always do. I decided to stay out shopping longer because of it.

While I was out I decided it would be nice to try using something tangible once again. I often like to use things which are tangible in order to overcome things. My problem was that I always used money as a way to "bribe" myself to stop sinning. Seriously though, why would money make me not sin? I tried to convince myself that I kept a good enough budget that I could budget in a dollar a day perhaps that once I reached ideal lengths of time, I could reward myself with the money and get myself something nice as a reward. Rewards are nice, this wasn't a reward. This was a bribe. I needed something more realistic that I could look at and not worship like money--something I've spent thousands of feeding this horrible monster.

I decided that I would begin to use beads. Simple glass beads would work for me. Basically I could carry around a glass bead with me. It is light, simple, replaceable if lost, cheap, etc. The concept is this: when I get up each morning, I consider the previous day. If all is well, I place the bead in the jar. Then I will see how nicely I am progressing. The beads will represent one full day of cleanliness. There is a catch though. If I mess up, I have to empty the jar. I never want to empty that jar. My goal is to buy a new jar. Once my jar is full, it will never be emptied. That portion of my life will be full -- full of things that are NOT pornography or masturbation. It makes for a tangible method of holding something, and looking at something to remind me of my ultimate goal.

I suppose I should now talk about my summer goals. There are seven of them:

    1) Be Honest. If I mess up, I need to admit it, immediately.
    2) Daily checkup for prayer and scripture study. I don't just read and pray daily, I have to report in and summarize what I read (with Stephanie who is helping me).
    3) Clean one room daily. I find I am more likely to stay clean myself when I am in a clean environment.
    4) Leave the house every day.
    5) Attend Addiction Recovery Group every week. This is a must. It is a re-charge mid-week. Plus the 12-step program works.
    6) Go to the Temple once a month. I must keep the goal in site.
    7) Use the Priesthood regularly and fulfill church callings. By giving service, I become selfless in order to over-come a selfish problem.

I have to say, at this point, I am not doing everything on the list perfectly. I can say, however, that ever since I formed the list, I have become much better. I have not missed one day of prayer since May 5th, though I think I did miss one or two nightly prayers. I have only missed a few days of scripture study. Those days were mostly on binging days. I only missed a couple days cleaning something up. I also only failed two or three times at leaving the house, even if it only involves a walk around the block.

Well, my mind has pretty much drawn a blank. I think this writing has helped me today. It helped the urge go away by getting my mind off of it -- even though that is exactly what I was writing about. Maybe this is exactly what I needed.