25 Jul 2013, 9:14 AM
I have just gotten up this morning. You could say I had a "hangover" from having given into binging yesterday and last night. This is going to be another white-knuckle day. It will be so easy to just give in today too. In fact, I feel the urge as I write this blog. I can't give in so easily. It is time to be strong.
I refer to the binging in lust as drunkenness for several reasons: first, I loose the ability to think straight. That is why it is hard to create a new Day 1. Then, my actions become unpredictable, I become mean and reclusive, and I have a hard time controlling my diet, attitude, and thought process. Once this happens, scripture study and prayer go next.
The next feeling is anxiety. Then I get the feeling that someone is looking over my shoulder. I will actually turn on more lights in the house and close all the doors just to make sure nobody is around. I want to hide from the world. This should be an obvious sign there is something wrong, but at those moments, I don't seem to care. I'm used to feeling that way after so many years.
Stephanie will offer to give me company and check up on me. When I'm in my "drunken" state, I snap at her and avoid the questions. I get agitated to be reminded that I need help. I usually refuse her company. I told her this morning that when I am like that, she should come by because that is probably when I need the company the most. I also promised not to avoid her questions and be rude. It is amazing she is able to put up with that.
She pointed out how much I have improved in the past two months. She is good for putting things in perspective when I can't think clearly on my own. She keeps this positive! She will be submitting my name to the temple again. She said--and I had the same thought--I can't go in the temple, but at least my name can get in!
1 comment:
Hey LM, I just read through your blog. Looks like this addiction is beating the crap out of you. It seems that you need to vamp up your recovery program. One meeting a week is NOT going to cut it. Especially if you can't stay sober 2 weeks. I'm not trying to shame you but I'm an addict. I'm a clever one too.
I was able to go 120 days clean last year because I had to change up alot of things. I don't know if you go to SA but I feel it has several key advantages over the church's ARP meetings. It is more honest, more accountability, and getting a sponsor to work the steps is vital. If i were to try and 'white knuckle' through this...I last about 5 days. Maybe 7 if i'm lucky.
I'd be glad to be an additional contact for you. We have to connect with recovering addicts. Girlfriends are great but other addicts who have walked the path...are best. (and i'm not even in that category)
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