Measuring Success

30 Jul 2013, 7:20 AM

It is officially Day 3 of the current run of soberness. It has been a rough time to get here since the last slip. The slip led to binging. The binging led to selfishness and wanting to be alone. It's a horrible trend.

It was suggested to me that success is the number of days free from the act. Although I do like to count the days sober, this is not success. This is white-knuckled, worked-for, prayed-my-soul-out-for-help, supported-by-the-Lord effort. It is wonderful to be sober. But real success come from a change of heart.

If you would have asked me if I ever thought I would be clean again last February, I wouldn't have even cared enough about becoming clean to answer the question. It was a daily habit then. I had already given up and planned my day around when I might be able to go at it again. Today, when you ask me, I am eager to be free within a couple months.

The images are set in my mind as clearly as can be and can be conjured in an instant. I can choose from a myriad of them I have stored away in my memories. I liked them so much, I chose favorites and memorized them so that when I couldn't find a computer I could still "enjoy" them. This made it really hard to give it up. How can you get rid of something that is a part of you? Ingrained in you? Soaked into your daily habits, rituals, efforts, and uses so much of your time?

Well, I managed to. . .with the Lord's help. With a proper goal in place, everything becomes easier. I have changed. I am not where I need to be, but I do know I am not the same person I was last February!