Hairline Trigger

23 Jul 2013, 1:41 PM

I did not make it. My record this year was 9 1/2 days. This round was once again 9 1/2 days. My problem was setting off a trigger last night. I scratched an itch. The itch grew. I thought about it, and worried about it. Then, as time went on, other triggers presented themselves. I gave in to three different triggers today. The worst part about it was that I lost during the execution of the escape plan. Had I left my house when I thought I needed to, this wouldn't have happened.

I was smart this time and didn't hide it from Stephanie. I told her immediately (within two minutes via text). It is not worth the headache and sorrow to hold it in any more. She immediately forgave me. I don't know how she can. She is so amazing.

I decided to blog at this time to capture my feelings and thoughts so that when I am sober once again, I can review what went wrong and so that I can recognize symptoms too:

First, I felt loss. There will be yet another two Sundays without the sacrament. I felt like I let myself down, like I let God down, and like I let Stephanie down. I did.

Second, I felt beat up. I went to my jar of beads and emptied it. Nine beads sat on the table. I didn't have the heart to put them with the pile. Instead, I closed the jar and set the beads next to it. I will earn them back again.

Third, I felt like I may as well give in. I had already come this far, I may as well get some more. This is the binging portion. I sat down at my computer, opened up the Internet, sat down, and then I stared at the screen for a moment. I closed the browser and got dressed again. I said to myself: "What am I doing? I don't need to do this." It was at this particular point I texted Stephanie.

I told her that I was not in a mood for company (though, I probably need some). She told me not to linger in depression for too long. Good advice. Depression is addictive too. This was emotion four.

I feel slightly sober. Let's say that it is more of a feeling of loss, and less of a feeling of drunkenness. Binging would lead to the drunkenness. I am now striving to avoid that. I have serious urges right now to give into the binging. They feel almost stronger than the urges I had earlier when I broke. If I can fight these off, I win. Just because I slipped does not mean I have to play in the mud! It's quicksand in disguise!