30 Jul 2013, 7:20 AM
It is officially Day 3 of the current run of soberness. It has been a rough time to get here since the last slip. The slip led to binging. The binging led to selfishness and wanting to be alone. It's a horrible trend.
It was suggested to me that success is the number of days free from the act. Although I do like to count the days sober, this is not success. This is white-knuckled, worked-for, prayed-my-soul-out-for-help, supported-by-the-Lord effort. It is wonderful to be sober. But real success come from a change of heart.
If you would have asked me if I ever thought I would be clean again last February, I wouldn't have even cared enough about becoming clean to answer the question. It was a daily habit then. I had already given up and planned my day around when I might be able to go at it again. Today, when you ask me, I am eager to be free within a couple months.
The images are set in my mind as clearly as can be and can be conjured in an instant. I can choose from a myriad of them I have stored away in my memories. I liked them so much, I chose favorites and memorized them so that when I couldn't find a computer I could still "enjoy" them. This made it really hard to give it up. How can you get rid of something that is a part of you? Ingrained in you? Soaked into your daily habits, rituals, efforts, and uses so much of your time?
Well, I managed to. . .with the Lord's help. With a proper goal in place, everything becomes easier. I have changed. I am not where I need to be, but I do know I am not the same person I was last February!
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Overcoming the Drunkeness
25 Jul 2013, 9:14 AM
I have just gotten up this morning. You could say I had a "hangover" from having given into binging yesterday and last night. This is going to be another white-knuckle day. It will be so easy to just give in today too. In fact, I feel the urge as I write this blog. I can't give in so easily. It is time to be strong.
I refer to the binging in lust as drunkenness for several reasons: first, I loose the ability to think straight. That is why it is hard to create a new Day 1. Then, my actions become unpredictable, I become mean and reclusive, and I have a hard time controlling my diet, attitude, and thought process. Once this happens, scripture study and prayer go next.
The next feeling is anxiety. Then I get the feeling that someone is looking over my shoulder. I will actually turn on more lights in the house and close all the doors just to make sure nobody is around. I want to hide from the world. This should be an obvious sign there is something wrong, but at those moments, I don't seem to care. I'm used to feeling that way after so many years.
Stephanie will offer to give me company and check up on me. When I'm in my "drunken" state, I snap at her and avoid the questions. I get agitated to be reminded that I need help. I usually refuse her company. I told her this morning that when I am like that, she should come by because that is probably when I need the company the most. I also promised not to avoid her questions and be rude. It is amazing she is able to put up with that.
She pointed out how much I have improved in the past two months. She is good for putting things in perspective when I can't think clearly on my own. She keeps this positive! She will be submitting my name to the temple again. She said--and I had the same thought--I can't go in the temple, but at least my name can get in!
I have just gotten up this morning. You could say I had a "hangover" from having given into binging yesterday and last night. This is going to be another white-knuckle day. It will be so easy to just give in today too. In fact, I feel the urge as I write this blog. I can't give in so easily. It is time to be strong.
I refer to the binging in lust as drunkenness for several reasons: first, I loose the ability to think straight. That is why it is hard to create a new Day 1. Then, my actions become unpredictable, I become mean and reclusive, and I have a hard time controlling my diet, attitude, and thought process. Once this happens, scripture study and prayer go next.
The next feeling is anxiety. Then I get the feeling that someone is looking over my shoulder. I will actually turn on more lights in the house and close all the doors just to make sure nobody is around. I want to hide from the world. This should be an obvious sign there is something wrong, but at those moments, I don't seem to care. I'm used to feeling that way after so many years.
Stephanie will offer to give me company and check up on me. When I'm in my "drunken" state, I snap at her and avoid the questions. I get agitated to be reminded that I need help. I usually refuse her company. I told her this morning that when I am like that, she should come by because that is probably when I need the company the most. I also promised not to avoid her questions and be rude. It is amazing she is able to put up with that.
She pointed out how much I have improved in the past two months. She is good for putting things in perspective when I can't think clearly on my own. She keeps this positive! She will be submitting my name to the temple again. She said--and I had the same thought--I can't go in the temple, but at least my name can get in!
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Hairline Trigger
23 Jul 2013, 1:41 PM
I did not make it. My record this year was 9 1/2 days. This round was once again 9 1/2 days. My problem was setting off a trigger last night. I scratched an itch. The itch grew. I thought about it, and worried about it. Then, as time went on, other triggers presented themselves. I gave in to three different triggers today. The worst part about it was that I lost during the execution of the escape plan. Had I left my house when I thought I needed to, this wouldn't have happened.
I was smart this time and didn't hide it from Stephanie. I told her immediately (within two minutes via text). It is not worth the headache and sorrow to hold it in any more. She immediately forgave me. I don't know how she can. She is so amazing.
I decided to blog at this time to capture my feelings and thoughts so that when I am sober once again, I can review what went wrong and so that I can recognize symptoms too:
First, I felt loss. There will be yet another two Sundays without the sacrament. I felt like I let myself down, like I let God down, and like I let Stephanie down. I did.
Second, I felt beat up. I went to my jar of beads and emptied it. Nine beads sat on the table. I didn't have the heart to put them with the pile. Instead, I closed the jar and set the beads next to it. I will earn them back again.
Third, I felt like I may as well give in. I had already come this far, I may as well get some more. This is the binging portion. I sat down at my computer, opened up the Internet, sat down, and then I stared at the screen for a moment. I closed the browser and got dressed again. I said to myself: "What am I doing? I don't need to do this." It was at this particular point I texted Stephanie.
I told her that I was not in a mood for company (though, I probably need some). She told me not to linger in depression for too long. Good advice. Depression is addictive too. This was emotion four.
I feel slightly sober. Let's say that it is more of a feeling of loss, and less of a feeling of drunkenness. Binging would lead to the drunkenness. I am now striving to avoid that. I have serious urges right now to give into the binging. They feel almost stronger than the urges I had earlier when I broke. If I can fight these off, I win. Just because I slipped does not mean I have to play in the mud! It's quicksand in disguise!
I did not make it. My record this year was 9 1/2 days. This round was once again 9 1/2 days. My problem was setting off a trigger last night. I scratched an itch. The itch grew. I thought about it, and worried about it. Then, as time went on, other triggers presented themselves. I gave in to three different triggers today. The worst part about it was that I lost during the execution of the escape plan. Had I left my house when I thought I needed to, this wouldn't have happened.
I was smart this time and didn't hide it from Stephanie. I told her immediately (within two minutes via text). It is not worth the headache and sorrow to hold it in any more. She immediately forgave me. I don't know how she can. She is so amazing.
I decided to blog at this time to capture my feelings and thoughts so that when I am sober once again, I can review what went wrong and so that I can recognize symptoms too:
First, I felt loss. There will be yet another two Sundays without the sacrament. I felt like I let myself down, like I let God down, and like I let Stephanie down. I did.
Second, I felt beat up. I went to my jar of beads and emptied it. Nine beads sat on the table. I didn't have the heart to put them with the pile. Instead, I closed the jar and set the beads next to it. I will earn them back again.
Third, I felt like I may as well give in. I had already come this far, I may as well get some more. This is the binging portion. I sat down at my computer, opened up the Internet, sat down, and then I stared at the screen for a moment. I closed the browser and got dressed again. I said to myself: "What am I doing? I don't need to do this." It was at this particular point I texted Stephanie.
I told her that I was not in a mood for company (though, I probably need some). She told me not to linger in depression for too long. Good advice. Depression is addictive too. This was emotion four.
I feel slightly sober. Let's say that it is more of a feeling of loss, and less of a feeling of drunkenness. Binging would lead to the drunkenness. I am now striving to avoid that. I have serious urges right now to give into the binging. They feel almost stronger than the urges I had earlier when I broke. If I can fight these off, I win. Just because I slipped does not mean I have to play in the mud! It's quicksand in disguise!
White-Knuckle Day
23 Jul 2013, 9:36 AM
Day 10 is rearing its ugly head. It is acting like a Day 5, just as suspected. I let my guard down for a second and almost "died." I survived however. Last night was more of the same. My system is in detox mode. I can tell. I am not necessarily having temptations so much as my body is complaining that it is not getting its fix. Then, when the urge comes, temptation follows.
I am determined to stay clean. Thankfully I was able to withstand a second temptation when I was invited to attend a water park. That would be heaven and hell for a guy like me. I have never been to one before, but my response was "I'm not ready for that kind of. . .exposure." It would set me off so fast. I know I would give in to staring at girls and fantasizing. That would only lead to worse problems. Someday, perhaps, but not now.
I have prayed, and asked the Lord to take away the natural effects of the body's detoxification. The Lord came through. I was able to sleep last night without worrying about giving in and my mind was even clear too. This morning, I asked for help, but I failed to ask for extra help. I really need to keep my guard up.
Day 10 is rearing its ugly head. It is acting like a Day 5, just as suspected. I let my guard down for a second and almost "died." I survived however. Last night was more of the same. My system is in detox mode. I can tell. I am not necessarily having temptations so much as my body is complaining that it is not getting its fix. Then, when the urge comes, temptation follows.
I am determined to stay clean. Thankfully I was able to withstand a second temptation when I was invited to attend a water park. That would be heaven and hell for a guy like me. I have never been to one before, but my response was "I'm not ready for that kind of. . .exposure." It would set me off so fast. I know I would give in to staring at girls and fantasizing. That would only lead to worse problems. Someday, perhaps, but not now.
I have prayed, and asked the Lord to take away the natural effects of the body's detoxification. The Lord came through. I was able to sleep last night without worrying about giving in and my mind was even clear too. This morning, I asked for help, but I failed to ask for extra help. I really need to keep my guard up.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Keeping Busy
22 Jul 2013, 9:37 PM
I am approaching the hour where I will be officially sober for 9 full day periods. Today was strange. I felt urges, had premonitions to avoid triggers, but most importantly, I realized when the temptation sinks in: idleness. Today was the first day in a while where I was able to be home and alone for an extended period of time. Basically, from what I can tell, I allowed my mind to wander and that is what allowed the thoughts to come. That easy.
I look forward to tomorrow. It will be Day 10, or in other words: the second Day 5 of this series. It is when I failed last time I made it this far. I am not going to loose this time. This time I have an advantage: I remember why I failed last time. Last time I got complacent and wasn't ready to stop. This time I am ready to stop. Last time I thought it was amazing to be on Day 10 and proud of my accomplishment. This time I am going to take Day 10 carefully, like I would a Day 5 and move carefully forward. There is no reason to "count my chickens before they hatch".
As long as I don't do anything to compromise myself, I will be okay. I trust the Lord will do His best to help me keep my mind clear and my focus on my goal. I have finally learned that I am not able to do this alone. I must have the Lord on my side if I am going to get through this. Last time I made it to Day 10. This time, we will make it there. . .and beyond.
I am approaching the hour where I will be officially sober for 9 full day periods. Today was strange. I felt urges, had premonitions to avoid triggers, but most importantly, I realized when the temptation sinks in: idleness. Today was the first day in a while where I was able to be home and alone for an extended period of time. Basically, from what I can tell, I allowed my mind to wander and that is what allowed the thoughts to come. That easy.
I look forward to tomorrow. It will be Day 10, or in other words: the second Day 5 of this series. It is when I failed last time I made it this far. I am not going to loose this time. This time I have an advantage: I remember why I failed last time. Last time I got complacent and wasn't ready to stop. This time I am ready to stop. Last time I thought it was amazing to be on Day 10 and proud of my accomplishment. This time I am going to take Day 10 carefully, like I would a Day 5 and move carefully forward. There is no reason to "count my chickens before they hatch".
As long as I don't do anything to compromise myself, I will be okay. I trust the Lord will do His best to help me keep my mind clear and my focus on my goal. I have finally learned that I am not able to do this alone. I must have the Lord on my side if I am going to get through this. Last time I made it to Day 10. This time, we will make it there. . .and beyond.
Blind Faith, Desperation, and Love
22 Jul 2013, 9:16 AM
In church yesterday, we had a lesson on tithing. This was supposed to be last week's lesson, but we did the wrong one and returned to it. At any rate, we were going over the concept of paying tithing and how it is a commandment that a person should just follow no matter what. Then, the brother sitting next to me said something to the effect of "There are three reasons why a person will obey a commandment: blind faith because that's 'just the what you are supposed to do', desperation because life has been hard, or because you actually love our Father in Heaven."
I immediately wrote that down. Which level am I at? Am I being obedient because I need to? Am I being obedient because I have to? Or am I being obedient because I have decided to love and honor my Heavenly Father?
Some days, I do not know which one it is. Perhaps whenever I begin with Day 1 or so, it will be out of desperation to get out of the habit. Days 2-5 seem to be half desperation, and half blind faith because I know I will receive blessing if I do. But past Day 5, it seems that I enjoy being clean too much to relate to being selfishly desperate or blind as to where I am going. I do not know what is coming around the bend, but I do know this: the Lord will bless me if I do what is right.
What I am looking forward to a lot is taking the sacrament this coming Sunday. It has been three years, but for the first time in over 15, it will feel right to do so!
In church yesterday, we had a lesson on tithing. This was supposed to be last week's lesson, but we did the wrong one and returned to it. At any rate, we were going over the concept of paying tithing and how it is a commandment that a person should just follow no matter what. Then, the brother sitting next to me said something to the effect of "There are three reasons why a person will obey a commandment: blind faith because that's 'just the what you are supposed to do', desperation because life has been hard, or because you actually love our Father in Heaven."
I immediately wrote that down. Which level am I at? Am I being obedient because I need to? Am I being obedient because I have to? Or am I being obedient because I have decided to love and honor my Heavenly Father?
Some days, I do not know which one it is. Perhaps whenever I begin with Day 1 or so, it will be out of desperation to get out of the habit. Days 2-5 seem to be half desperation, and half blind faith because I know I will receive blessing if I do. But past Day 5, it seems that I enjoy being clean too much to relate to being selfishly desperate or blind as to where I am going. I do not know what is coming around the bend, but I do know this: the Lord will bless me if I do what is right.
What I am looking forward to a lot is taking the sacrament this coming Sunday. It has been three years, but for the first time in over 15, it will feel right to do so!
First Symptoms: Dreams
22 Jul 2013, 8:50 AM:
Today is Day 9. I am approaching my previous record of 9 1/2 which I made this last year. Once I surpass it, it will be the longest I have been sober and clean for over three years. Stephanie said to me last night, "I can tell a difference in you more easily. It's like you are more solid in my head. It's an interesting development. It's like you are becoming clearer." I feel like I can think more clearly. I do not have as much anxiety as I used to have all the time.
I had one of my first withdrawals last night however during my dreams. But this one was different somehow. Normally, when I get close to days 4 or 5, I will begin to have dreams where I am influenced to view pornography or hang out with temptresses. This did not happen until last night.
In this particular dream, I felt like I was a freshman in college again and I wanted to "fit in". In real life, this has never been one of my goals. I digress. In the dream I managed to procure a co-ed apartment where there were several girls living. There was a lot of rain and flooding going on in the streets. I bicycled all over town, barely missing pedestrians and cars along the route. I finally got to the building with the apartment and went through some strange doors and got to the main room of the apartment.
I went into the restroom and stripped myself and when I turned around into the main room, I saw the "leader" of the girls telling another guy to go away and demanding subservience to everyone in the room which included two girls, one of which was assigned as a long-term friend of mine by the dream, and one of my brothers. They only stood and watched. The leader girl was naked and kneeling on the floor and demanded that if I wanted to stay there, I needed to give her a massage right then and there.
Well, the situation led to me going forward with excessive petting and me beginning to find release. After a while, I realized what I was doing and got up. There was a look of utter disgust in the eyes of both my friend's and my brother's eyes. They did not want to leave. Finally, I got up and said I couldn't do this anymore.
I immediately got dressed. The leader girl demanded I stay and that tried to tempt me by saying that I was the only one for her and that everything I had ever wanted would be given to me if I stayed. I said no. I told my brother and friend, "We can never stay here. We know better. I'm just surprised you never had the courage to get up and leave." They looked ashamed even though I had done the worse actions. The leader girl yelled at me saying I would never be welcome back at her apartment ever. I didn't care. I wasn't coming back.
For a while I wandered outside feeling horrible that I had broken my streak of being clean and sober for this past week. I worried that I would have to start over and confess it once again to Stephanie and the Lord. When I woke up from the dream and realized that it was a dream, I was so relieved. I was relieved that not only was I still clean, but for the first time, when I had one of those dreams, I was able to leave the situation!
Normally, when I have those dreams, I feel really bad, dwell on it forever, and give in so it will stop bothering me. Not this time. Something has changed. I am a better person, and it shows--even in my subconscious! I just hope and pray the Lord will grant me strength when those dreams come again, that I will not participate at all.
I look forward to the healing. . . .
Today is Day 9. I am approaching my previous record of 9 1/2 which I made this last year. Once I surpass it, it will be the longest I have been sober and clean for over three years. Stephanie said to me last night, "I can tell a difference in you more easily. It's like you are more solid in my head. It's an interesting development. It's like you are becoming clearer." I feel like I can think more clearly. I do not have as much anxiety as I used to have all the time.
I had one of my first withdrawals last night however during my dreams. But this one was different somehow. Normally, when I get close to days 4 or 5, I will begin to have dreams where I am influenced to view pornography or hang out with temptresses. This did not happen until last night.
In this particular dream, I felt like I was a freshman in college again and I wanted to "fit in". In real life, this has never been one of my goals. I digress. In the dream I managed to procure a co-ed apartment where there were several girls living. There was a lot of rain and flooding going on in the streets. I bicycled all over town, barely missing pedestrians and cars along the route. I finally got to the building with the apartment and went through some strange doors and got to the main room of the apartment.
I went into the restroom and stripped myself and when I turned around into the main room, I saw the "leader" of the girls telling another guy to go away and demanding subservience to everyone in the room which included two girls, one of which was assigned as a long-term friend of mine by the dream, and one of my brothers. They only stood and watched. The leader girl was naked and kneeling on the floor and demanded that if I wanted to stay there, I needed to give her a massage right then and there.
Well, the situation led to me going forward with excessive petting and me beginning to find release. After a while, I realized what I was doing and got up. There was a look of utter disgust in the eyes of both my friend's and my brother's eyes. They did not want to leave. Finally, I got up and said I couldn't do this anymore.
I immediately got dressed. The leader girl demanded I stay and that tried to tempt me by saying that I was the only one for her and that everything I had ever wanted would be given to me if I stayed. I said no. I told my brother and friend, "We can never stay here. We know better. I'm just surprised you never had the courage to get up and leave." They looked ashamed even though I had done the worse actions. The leader girl yelled at me saying I would never be welcome back at her apartment ever. I didn't care. I wasn't coming back.
For a while I wandered outside feeling horrible that I had broken my streak of being clean and sober for this past week. I worried that I would have to start over and confess it once again to Stephanie and the Lord. When I woke up from the dream and realized that it was a dream, I was so relieved. I was relieved that not only was I still clean, but for the first time, when I had one of those dreams, I was able to leave the situation!
Normally, when I have those dreams, I feel really bad, dwell on it forever, and give in so it will stop bothering me. Not this time. Something has changed. I am a better person, and it shows--even in my subconscious! I just hope and pray the Lord will grant me strength when those dreams come again, that I will not participate at all.
I look forward to the healing. . . .
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Addicted to Recovery?
20 Jul 2013, 6:53 PM
I have, as of late, found blogging to be quite therapeutic. However, I have noticed something in the way I work with the blogs. Let me explain this week. . . .
This is day seven of being sober. I am looking forward to beating my old record. That will happen on Tuesday. I understand that being away from temptation is paramount to overcoming it. I was away from home for this past week. I am home now and temptation is easier to succumb to here. Here I am alone. Here I make the decisions. Here I do not need to worry about someone looking over my shoulder. Here I can dance around the living room if I wanted to and nobody would know or care.
The point is, I was sort of protected when I wasn't here. I had mentioned to Stephanie that the desire of the addiction is still there but the longing has gone away. It's true, I do not want to commit the sin, but the thought crosses my mind. When it crosses my mind, images appear and a plan on how to carry it out. It is rather annoying.
I will have the entire plan mapped out piece-by-piece within seconds of the thought coming into my mind. Such a thought came into my mind this morning while I was getting ready and another later in the day. Thanks to prayer to avoid just this, the Lord saw fit to help me by erasing those thoughts from my mind for me. Though I did not have to think of them anymore, it doesn't erase the fact that I entertained the thought for a split second. A split second is all it takes most of the time.
Well, at any rate, I decided to avoid the whole thing by playing games and reading other recovery blogs on my iPad. I did this for several days actually, during my free time.
I read blog after blog. Then I would visit the history I wrote on my own blog. It finally occurred to me what I was doing. I was reading them over and over as a way to re-live the experience. So was I becoming addicted to recovery blogs? Somehow I think I was. In my own blog I would skip specifically to the most awful portions I felt the most uncomfortable with writing the first time. Were they actually a favorite memory I am not willing to give up? Is this why I am revisiting it? Or am I revisiting in order to realize how far I've come since then? Why was I reading other blogs?
Was I using them to help me overcome mine or using them as a new form of written pornography? People do put their stories on their blogs and some are more specific than others. Personally, I detest the words/terms pornography, masturbation, fornication, and sex-with-self. I never like to use them. At times it can be necessary, but they remind me of . . .me. I do not like to associate them with myself even though they've been there for two-thirds of my lifetime.
I would love to celebrate with others' recoveries. I wonder though if I am using their experiences to cover up my left-over urges by devouring their words and living it out in my mind. This is precisely why I did not like the book Clean Hand, Pure Heart. I had a hard time reading someone else's experiences written so plainly which were so close to my own. Perhaps I can give that book another try. I find comfort in the blogs. But I must know when that comfort becomes too close to danger. Stepping over that line can be the end of this season of soberness.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
The Storm That Never Came
_________________________
18 Jul 2013, 11:03 PM
I am about to retire to bed tonight, on the end of the 5th day of being sober. I was really worrying about being totally caught off-guard. Nothing happened. Today was as natural as any for overcoming temptation.
When I went to work today, I had plenty of opportunity to peek. My colleagues chose their more loose clothing today. One of them had a completely shoulder-less and almost back-less shirt on top and tight pants below. Another had a very open top. Normally, I would take great advantage of this to position myself accordingly. I did not want to today.
Stephanie even commented that she likes me better this way because I am easier to talk to like this. I'm not sure if I can attribute today's success to having completed the history, the fact that I've been leaving the computer off when I'm home, or that I was otherwise occupied throughout the day. Still, I know one thing: the Lord blessed me with another day of sobriety. It is nice to be able to think clearly and be happy.
I am now entering the territory which is not often trod. I have not shown signs of withdrawals yet, they can still be looming. Somehow, I am not concerned. I just hope my lack of concern is strength in the Lord and not complacency! I guess I will need to make sure I pray harder. . . just in case.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Calm Before the Storm
17 Jul 2013, 11:09 PM
I have been sober for four days now. It feels really nice to be able to start thinking clearly and acting normally. It is about this point I start being in a good mood regularly.
I have finished writing the very first version of my history. It is rather thorough, as anyone who read the previous post has seen. It was difficult to write only because it is embarrassing to consider my past. It is not so much the content as the concept. I told Stephanie that publishing it was necessary for me because it was a private sin. I needed to get it out in the open and step out into the world. So, there it is world. . .it is there for the reading. I'm not going to go around advertising it, but it is worth mentioning that it has been done.
I am not looking forward to Day 5 without any trepidation, but I am less worried about this one as compared to others. I feel like I have made some major progress, but this is the point where I have to begin relying on the Lord to help get me through. I will not be able to stay clean on my own merits.
Tonight and tomorrow I will begin showing some of the main symptoms of withdrawal. First: the itching. Yes, part of the healing process involves itching. Anyone who has been through this understands. They would also understand the importance of not scratching the itch. This is playing with fire. I've often said that if a person can withstand scratching an itch, they can withstand any temptation.
The next symptom I have to watch out for is an insatiable appetite for sweet stuff. For some reason, I end up craving all sorts of candies, chocolate, ice cream, etc. during this time. It is yet another urge, I must resist.
Next is the laziness. So long as I keep busy, I will be safe.
Finally: the never-ending thoughts. I will be thinking about it all day long. So long as I can keep my mind otherwise occupied, I will be able to avoid any sticky situations or opportunities.
I look forward to putting another bead in the jar tomorrow!
My History
15 Jul 2013, 6:38 AM - 17 Jul 2013, 7:24 AM
So, after reading several other blogs, I decided that it would be a good idea to let those who read my journal (and to get it into writing) know who I am and where I stand.
A word of warning though. Only read this at your own risk. It is my very personal history and has portions of it that are intended only for those strong enough to read them. This is a work in progress and may change from time to time.
My story begins when I was seven years old. This was the earliest time I can remember even liking a girl and being attracted for the first time in my life. In fact, not only did I feel that way, but I thought that I was supposed to pick one out in particular. I was in second grade and decided on a girl I thought might fit the bill. I remember that this was not a real crush, it was kind of forced--remember, I thought I had to find a crush. At any rate, I wasn't quite sure what it was about her that made me want to like her, but I sent her a cheesy Valentine's Day card that year and would watch her on the playground.
This continued for three more years really. You could say that I got sort of jealous that she always hung out with her best friend. Well, I decided that maybe her best friend was cute too and started staring at her (since she was in my class in fourth grade and my original "crush" wasn't). But that year I saw a third girl who actually was the first one who caught my eye for real. I felt quite conflicted. Here I had spent three years developing a fake crush in my mind and then suddenly I actually felt attracted to a girl for real for the first time. I didn't want to give up my original crush, but this new one was worth situating myself in my desk so I could face her all the time. It helped that I was already in the advanced pull-out class and she and one other guy came with me once a week to go to that.
When I was seven I had a pretty foul mouth. But I knew I had to be baptized. I knew I would not be worthy if I swore. So one day, I made up my mind that I was going to stop and never do it again. And that was that. In fact, it has only been in the past year that I even said a bad word in order to repeat what a student of mine said only. I refused to even give the first letter of a bad word for years. And I was proud to say that I had not knowingly said a bad word for over 20 years! But having done so taught me one life lesson: I was able to give up sin cold turkey and never look back. All I had to do was choose to do so!
I have always been an early riser. Part of this was due to the fact that I couldn't sleep well as a kid and partly because my family always got up early for family scripture study and prayer on weekdays. On weekends, however, I was left on my own. I still got up earlier than everyone else and couldn't go back to sleep. So, I would get up and wander the house. Sometimes I would swipe a snack cake from the pantry (these were for school and work lunches only, but we all took them). Usually, I would go watch TV with the volume very low, especially to watch my favorite show: Garfield and Friends. Occasionally, though, I would grab the newspaper and read some portion of it or go through the books in the house and look for picture books or simple readers.
Third grade. This was when I discovered one of my mom's mammography self-help books. It was illustrated with live pictures for demonstration. Sadly, those pictures are solidly implanted into my brain. I would wait all week just to get up early on a Saturday and have another peek at that book. This went on for quite some time. One morning I was caught by one of my brothers. Instead of scolding me however, he seemed to join me as we explored the pictures. I thought he eventually lost interest, but apparently he already knew about it and had been viewing them on his own. But this is my story not his. Nevertheless, as it turns out, I still wanted to hide it from him because he would take it from me and look at it himself, telling me that I needed to be older to see it. I never shared it with him again. From then on, it became my secret.
Fourth grade sex-ed. I remember getting the permission slip from my school and bringing it home. I was embarrassed to even let anyone know I had a piece of paper with the word "sex" on it. My parents said they did not mind whether or not I participated in this and left the decision up to me. I said I would try to be strong and go through it. They signed the paper. I turned it in. I dreaded the day that it would come.
The day came. The lesson was shared with a neighboring class. The boys came into my classroom and the girls left to the other classroom. The nurse had brought in a video for us to watch. It showed people in happy relationships holding hands and having picnics, but then it showed the couple kissing. This is where it went "bad". The video then explained how chemical processes affected the brain and made certain changes in the body. It then explained what happened to the body as it developed. I did NOT want to know that. I must have been rather naive as a kid, because up until then, it never occurred to me that girls' bodies and boys' bodies were different. I always knew how to tell the difference with what was on the chest, but that was about it. I was shocked! And then I learned what happens when arousal happens. I was done with sex-ed. I never wanted to participate again. I never did.
I'm going to backtrack a little now. I was quite shy when I was in elementary school. In fact, at lunch time the most I ever did was roam around the entire playground and count how many times I could do so in the time allotted. I think I got up to about 20 or so. Then there was L. I always sat by myself for lunch. L was a grade lower than I was, but she saw me and invited me to sit with her and her friends. She instantly became one of my best friends. We always ate and played together. In fact, we got upset if we could not find each other. It's a shame I didn't know why she invited me to sit with her until I was leaving elementary school. . .it was because she liked me. I started to have a real crush on her by the end of fifth grade, but I was going to be in sixth grade in the middle school and she was going to be in fifth grade at the elementary. Relationships change when you are gone for a year, especially when young and time seems to last a lot longer.
I also joined orchestra. This is where I met A and J. They were both girls who played the violin along with me. Later in I would end up spending a LOT of time with them. Sufficeth it to say at this time, that I went to orchestra once or twice a week and it was attended by mostly girls. I was happy.
Well, time continued as time does. I would view the book from time to time, but it would sometimes not be interesting to me. Eventually, one day it disappeared. I don't know where it went, but somehow it managed to reappear several months later without my noticing. I started to turn my attention elsewhere: newspaper adds.
Because I always got up early, I was usually the first one to get up early on Sunday mornings. Therefore I was usually the one to get the morning paper. I was always excited to get this paper because it seemed every store on Earth put an advertisement in there. Well, it didn't take me long to realize, especially in the summer months, that beside the bras and panties section in the magazines, I could also find plenty of swimsuits too. At times, I would go so far as to actually steal the ads and hide them elsewhere so I could enjoy them.
The good news is that I was not fully addicted to them. I was opportunistic. I could go any amount of time I wanted without seeing it. It was mostly a weekend morning thing before cartoons came on. In fact, I wasn't entirely convinced that I was doing anything wrong other than I wouldn't tell anyone. I was acquainted with a term called "pornography" but it never occurred to me that that was what I was viewing.
In time, I attended middle school. Sixth grade was a strange time in my life. I started to realize that I was maturing, and others around me were too. Most importantly, I realized that I was becoming seriously interested in the girls around me. This is when the real trouble started.
I remember this following scene so clearly, it is as clear to my memory as any that I could conjure up from only moments ago. I remember that it was fifth period, in my sixth-grade mathematics class. We were working with a mock Wheel of Fortune game we had created to simulate probability. We used tables in that class and mine was the third table in at the left of the room. My seat was toward the door on the left, near the wall. A sat next to me on my right, and K sat across from me. I never liked K, she was kind of bossy and a little cruel I would say. But she was a good worker nonetheless and we still got stuff done.
A was wearing a reddish-brown sleeveless shirt. Her shirt was actually rather stiff. K was watching both of us very carefully and was making fun of A at the time. All of a sudden, A reached across the table with her left arm while I was looking at her. I saw her bare chest as clearly as could be. She had nothing on under the shirt. I pretended like nothing happened, but was so caught off guard I must have been staring some. K suddenly remarked that A should wear underwear or clothing a little more tight because she could see her nipple. Then K called me by name and said, "Right? You can see her nipples in that shirt." I wished a mountain would have fallen on me right then. I knew she was right because I had been looking. But A only stretched her arms and I could see them again as she examined her outfit. I kind of shrugged as an answer and tried my best not to look at her for a long time. I also despised K for a very long time following that incident for not only embarrassing me, but for catching me. Secretly though, I liked what she said because it made me think in the smallest degree that it was acceptable and okay to look.
Well, that was the beginning of the end. It was the moment I truly hit puberty so to speak. Here I was an eleven-year-old kid. In my mind I both hated the concept of nudity because of my experience with sex-education, and yet couldn't stop thinking about what I had seen. Perhaps all my preoccupation with the scene is what burned it so deeply into my mind that I can, to this day, conjure it up perfectly if I want to including all colors, sounds, feelings, and even levels of light and direction of shadows in the room. Perhaps this is where my addiction began. I'm not entirely sure, but I do know that I remembered that scene and conjured it so often, that I knew something had changed in me.
Well, now was about the time I discovered my second addiction. I will not go into so much detail with scenes after the one just mentioned, due to their nature. Nevertheless, I discovered that I could find pictures in other places. I discovered that history books and medical journals contained the types of pictures I enjoyed. In fact, I knew every word that had what I wanted because I turned every page of it in the early weekend morning routines and memorized terms I had never heard of just to experience the pictures again. There was an extra room in the house where a computer was kept and I would go in there to write stories (one of my pastimes) as well as simple computer programming and game playing. Well, the door had a lock on it and I could hide in there for some time. I discovered a pair of books about puberty in there. One for men, and one for women. They described in detail all the stages and effects of having intercourse. I devoured the information in these. The pictures were all illustrations, but that didn't matter.
Well. I did something else I am ashamed of. . .I developed the habit of being naked and examining myself. This was the first time that I became aroused. I was excited, worried, and confused all at once. Further exploration went from examination, to personal petting, to the first release. I was frightened.
I had no idea what I had just done! I poured through the material to determine what was wrong with me. I thought about what happened for several days. It finally occurred to me what I had done. I had found something I liked very much, but could not tell anyone. I also knew what brought it on.
Soft-pornography and masturbation went hand-in-hand for quite a while since then. It was still mostly a weekend morning thing until I discovered National Geographic magazines and my mom's underclothing catalogues. I used to steal these magazines and hide them in places in the house so I could enjoy them and find my release too. It grew from weekend only to after-school thrills. I would even cut out certain pictures from adds and put them in my wallet so I could enjoy it whenever I wanted.
It worried me that someone might find out what I was doing. It worried me so much that I would have dreams that I went to find the material and it would be missing. Then, once I woke up, I would take it from its hiding place and return it to its location. This continued for a long time.
Well, I was turning twelve now and it was time to receive the Priesthood. I gave addiction up for a season and was just fine when I became a deacon. I even served as Deacons Quorum President for a while. I knew, once I felt the Spirit during that ordination that now that I held the Priesthood of God, there was no way I could ever go back to a life of sin. That was unfortunately short-lived.
I started to have deeper crushes on the girls in my church ward (congregation). The problem wasn't so much the crushes. That is typical of any young, adolescent boy. My problem was that I found excuses to stare. I would study the habits of the girls in the ward and learn where they sat in church, which classes they were in, and where they waited for their parents after church was over. I would then situate myself the best I could to see them.
Then one day, it occurred to me that teen girls are not always proper in their mannerisms. They slouch. I used this to my advantage to peek. And I was good at it. I could actually hold a conversation with the very girl I was spying on.
I would constantly convince myself that this was okay because I was in public and they were still dressed. It wasn't really pornography right? Well, by definition, I suppose it wasn't but it had another nasty name. I have otherwise always referred to it as spying and peeking.
Middle school was the worst for this. The girl named A was in most of my classes. We became almost best friends for a while. But she rarely wore a bra. I was, unfortunately, one of the only people who knew that--and not because she told me. I always managed to find a way to sit near her or next to her.
In orchestra, it was just me, A, and J. Because we had orchestra in elementary school were more advanced than the other students. Our director did not really play strings, we sort of knew more that he did for technique so he sent us off into a neighboring practice room to practice our own songs as well as the simpler ones the beginning group played. From time to time he would come in to check on us or ask us to join the other group, but mostly we just stayed in our practice room and did whatever we wanted. We learned the songs, but didn't care. I was alone with two gorgeous girls for an hour every day. I was not going to do anything to stop this. In fact, this was true for all three years, even when we got a new director.
In that room, we talked, we played, and we messed around. Sometimes the conversations were very dirty. It even went so far as they would compare bust sizes and show off the tops of their panties to each other. They would even ask my input from time to time. A told some very dirty jokes, and J would go along with them. I pretended not to like them, but I mostly just listened, stared, and peeked. They even went so far as to describe how puberty was affecting them and asked how it was affecting me. For some reason I answered them. I didn't want to lose them.
We got so comfortable that A even changed her shirt in that room with me in there a couple times. She had her back to me and only one of the times did she ask me to look the other way, mostly because she wanted me to make sure the director wasn't coming. I started to fear that they would start asking to make out in that room. I was even more worried that they would ask me to take my clothes off. They never did thank goodness. I am still unsure to this day whether or not I would have had they asked.
Well, that was the pattern for many more years. Spy, view magazines, and release. It grew worse and worse. I would stop for periods of time to advance in the Priesthood, but eventually, I confessed. I knew exactly what I was doing. I was surprised at the bishop's initial response. He told me I just needed to abstain for a short period of time and I would be worthy to get a temple recommend to go do baptisms for the dead. Wasn't that the pattern I was already following?
I did as told, got my recommends, but I don't feel like I ever truly repented. I am almost sure of this since I would still try to spy on girls during the temple trips. I was still convinced at this time that it wasn't fully wrong to spy. After all, they exposed themselves right? Wrong. I put myself exactly where I needed to be to see what I wanted to see. Another instance that really stands out in my mind was at a Mariachi Conference I attended when I was in eighth grade. There were a lot of people everywhere at this conference, but, over and over, I managed to find the same girl who had a loose shirt and nothing underneath. For two days I stalked her, even talked to her at one point, just to satisfy my urges!
I was in a really bad state by the time high school roamed around. Everyone around me was convinced that I was perfect. I never got in trouble, I always had good grades, and I have had perfect attendance my entire life. Nobody ever suspected anything. After all, this was a private sin. Well, I enjoyed the release so much, that I started to do it as often as possible. It was worst in high school when I would get up to 23 times in a single day!
It was at this point that I knew I didn't just like it, I KNEW I was addicted. I tried to wean myself down to just a few times a day. It was almost impossible. I was so hyped up on it, I was like a drug addict. I was sneaking around, always worried, uptight, agitated, etc. I even explored doing it outside hiding behind trees and cars just to get a quick fix. I could not believe the state that I was in. As soon as I was home alone, I was naked. I even studied the TV listing to know when R-rated shows would be on HBO because we were able to get them in static. The static was noisy and annoying, but the mute button fixed the first problem, and sometimes the static was so light, there wasn't much hidden. Sadly, I still remember those movies clearly.
Then the Internet came into our house. I can't quite remember if it was my eighth-grade year or freshman year of school, but that was when we got the Internet. At first, it was only text and gray background. But one day, we had the Internet in color on color screens. Immediately, I started chatting Online. Some of the conversations were inappropriate and I pretended to like a girl named Daydream and her friend Rainbow (whom I eventually found out was also her as she had depression problems and would chat with herself in a public forum to look popular). I sent her a picture of myself through the mail and she dropped me as fast as she could.
I then began looking up pictures of famous actresses I liked. I looked for those pictures which really showed off their figures and were sleeveless. That was enough for me to get my release.
Then one day, my search inevitably had a link to a pornography site. I clicked. I immediately closed the Internet and ran away from it. But it called to me. It was a brand new source of my addiction with brand new things to see. This was when I started collecting. I would format promotional floppy disks which came in the mail and save my finds to the disk. This way, since we had dial-up Internet at the time, if I had the urge to see the pictures, but nobody was awake, I could see them. I even wrote simple HTML code to show them to me in a collage.
I learned how to erase my tracks really well. But one day I was in an extra hurry to get off before getting caught and did not erase my tracks. My parents discovered that I had been searching for it. I found out I wasn't the only one, but it was my search they had found. The Internet was now locked. I found a way around it though. . .I used my hobby of writing, genealogy, and occasional school assignments as excuses to stay on the computer late at night. I would have it connect, then minimize the screen and return to it once I was alone again.
This went on for some time. In high school, I was still alone with A and J from time to time, but not as much. I was, however in the theatre club. This season was more of the same, except that the girls here were extremely open about sexuality and did not care half the time if I saw them changing. It was during this time that I had to kiss a girl in a play. It was a wonderful experience, but it was not enough for me to want to form a real relationship.
This continued until I graduated high school. I was in the top of my class and most people who knew me anywhere thought I was perfect. But now it was time for me to prepare to go to college for a year before I went on my mission. I had convinced myself that I had plenty of time to repent before I went on my mission.
Going to college was no better. At first I did not have the Internet. But that did not stop me. I started by using the few public computers at the Student Union at the university. I only lived a mile away so it wasn't that bad. But then I discovered that the university offered telnet services. I would memorize websites and their layouts, then telnet from home and download my favorite images to my computer.
This was not all, I once walked into the area where the computers were and discovered someone had been searching pornography and left it open on the computer. I pretended to be a good citizen and turn it off, but it wasn't long before I did the exact same thing! I specifically used the computer whose screen did not face the security cameras. The strange thrill I got out of possibly addicting someone else was extreme for a moment, but I didn't even make it downstairs and out the building before I went right back up and turned it off. Thankfully the Internet was not that popular yet and nobody had been in there.
Eventually, I found a free Internet service and discovered Limewire. This was the worst discovery I could have encountered. I now had access to not only pictures, but videos and music. I stole a lot of music, several books, and a few movies from Limewire. I eventually deleted them all, but I would spend hour after hour doing it. Eventually, I discovered pornography videos. I had never experienced that before. I would place ten to twenty videos up in the cue line of the download manager and head off to classes. Once I came home, I would spend hours reviewing and re-reviewing that material making sure I got my release each time.
And then, one awful day, I discovered that I had downloaded one with CP in it. It scared me so much, I didn't know what to do! It did force me delete my entire collection. The collection was about 20 gigabytes of pictures and videos of all kinds. I destroyed it all. I almost gave up the entire addiction cold turkey at that moment. I knew what path my current state was taking me, I had to stop, and I had to stop right then!
Sadly though, the urge and addiction had become imbedded in my entire lifestyle. I didn't know what to do with all my time. Naturally, I landed right back where I was before: peeking, viewing, and releasing. Limewire was history though.
It was time for my mission. I gave up everything that was bad for a season, but only for a little while. I never truly repented. I was only sober for perhaps a month or so, maybe even less. My bishop and stake president signed my papers anyway. I felt better than I ever had, but nowhere the way I should.
On my mission, I continued to have the issue of releasing, but pornography was mostly ancient history. I found an occasional magazine here and there, or would peek at girls, but that was enough to ruin me for a long time. My mind had learned to memorize these scenes and turn them into permanent memories. I still remember most of them today, 10 years later. I eventually confessed this to my mission president. I was sure I was going to be sent home. I worried and worried and worried about it. But, he told me, that though I wouldn't have a temple recommend, I could still be a good missionary. I did not have to be sent home early.
I don't think I was ever fully worthy on my mission. I did it the whole time. I eventually quit for a few weeks and on the night before I went home, my mission president gave me the recommend and warned me that it wasn't something I should just periodically be good for when it was convenient. I needed to be pure all the time. I agreed. Repeatedly losing and regaining a recommend is not the way it is supposed to work.
It was short lived. Once I went home and back to school, I revisited Limewire for a while, but eventually got rid if it again. I still needed my fix. I found other means. I had taken up a job at the university library and was alone a lot. They had computers everywhere. I would take little "breaks" to view pictures, hide in the restroom and release, or peek at library patrons. It never ended. I was in charge of closing all the time and would take those opportunities to sneak in the women's restrooms, just to "say I did". Of course, I never said it to anyone, but it was a strange thrill to me.
At one point I was assigned to work in the architecture library. Nobody ever came in. I would have pornography being downloaded on three computers at once just so I could amass my collection again. I would also hide in the back supply room and release while watching the door. Thank goodness they closed that library. I was really in a bad state.
I lost my recommend again in 2004. It was the last time I had one. I have not really, truly tried to stay clean from then until now. I made a promise to myself however that I would refuse to ever get another recommend until I was actually, fully worthy of receiving one. I refused to enter a temple lobby unless I had a recommend. I have kept that promise, but unfortunately, I kind of missed the point over the years.
Since then, I graduated college, went into teaching, bought a house and started living on my own. Once I was on my own I started to ostracize myself. I began saying "no" to all sorts of things, especially church activities and relationships. In fact, there were nine months where I didn't go to church at all. I will refer to this time as "the stupidest thing I ever did" to those I mention it to. Sadly, it's only low on the totem pole of things I've done.
I had long since determined I would never get into a serious relationship. I had convinced myself that anyone I got serious with would have to find out sooner or later. I thought that they would instantly break up with me and my life would be ruined. Divorce has always been out of the question, so I decided to never go there in the first place. I then was stupid enough to think that maybe I could get in a relationship after I repented and never have to tell any future wife. Who was I kidding? It is an addiction. Addictions can be overcome, but there is real history and relapse temptation. She would find out eventually. Besides, if I hid it, would I have truly repented?
Being a bachelor with my sin was my only outlet. Since being on my own meant being alone, I was more tempted than ever. I started collecting a lot. Over and over I would get a huge collection, then I would feel bad one day when I couldn't use my Priesthood, or couldn't go on a temple trip. Then I would destroy the collection. It wouldn't be long before I started collecting again. The collections were mostly useless. I just liked to hoard them. Just knowing I "owned" certain pictures and videos was enough to keep me excited. It also kept me paranoid. The collections were organized well by how old the picture was, age of model, style, picture versus video, cartoon versus live, etc. It included clothed pictures as well. I would add pictures to the collection by the thousands each day. I almost never looked at them. Instead, I was always searching for that new picture, that new video which would go so well with my collection. I imagined I would one day gather enough to think it was complete and never want to go on the Internet again. Boy was that a dumb idea. Of course it would never be complete. There is always more!
Eventually, I got to the point where I didn't care anymore. I was so deep in addiction that I knew I would never get out of it. I had no hope left and had almost lost all desire to ever end. This was true when I missed witnessing seeing my sister get sealed in the temple and even when my parents told me how sad they were. I was just not interested in repenting. The stake president had called my bluff when I went in to get a recommend unworthily. I held a grudge against him for s long time until I realized it was not him who was calling my bluff, but the Lord. I needed that "kick in the pants" to wake me up. The addiction had been part of my life so long, it was part of me. I had woven it so deeply into my being that it occupied every thought of every hour.
Eventually, my likings became refined to where I watched full pornography, but was not really interested in it. I was more into nude posing in what some people mistakenly call "art". I was very much into nudist websites and would look for nudist families in outings like nude beaches and picnics. I liked seeing people smiling when naked and having a good time. It beat the usual sly grins, worried looks, and pain I saw in the other stuff.
Eventually, I had sort of convinced myself that I wanted to be a nudist too. I wanted a nudist wife and wanted to raise nudist kids. I thought it was the only way. I was naked so often from the releases, I was used to it. But every time I tried, I felt naked. I knew somehow that it was wrong to be naked when there is no reason, even home alone. It took me a very long time to find a reason not to. I even searched out LDS nudist groups to justify my actions. I read their stories, and still, I knew something was wrong about it.
It finally occurred to me why it was. . .the temple garment. If I am naked, then I am not wearing it, and thus, not remembering my covenants from the temple. I may not have been fully worthy to go to the temple in the first place, and I may not have been keeping my covenants, but that didn't mean I didn't know what they were. Being constantly nude, meant being constantly away from my covenants. I still didn't repent, but I found a reason for why it felt wrong to be that way.
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Well, I have finally come to the near-present time. I have a bishop who is truly inspired. There is no doubt in my mind that he is an inspired judge in Israel. It was only a couple months ago that I went to another meeting with him and he told me he was inspired to tell me something. He said, "I feel like I need to tell you that if you don't quit now, you never will." Those words sank so deep into my soul, they still ring in my ear now. I may not have shown much emotion then, but it has hit me hard many times since.
He had given me a goal to be clean for two weeks in order to take the sacrament. That was over two years ago. After he told me that though, I adopted the goal as mine. I decided that it was worth a shot. And then Stephanie (my girlfriend) came into my life and became so forgiving and understanding, I couldn't help but want to give it up more.
I have always wanted to be a father of my own little girl. I want to teach her how to live the gospel and lead a full righteous life. I want her to learn to love the gospel and the Lord, Jesus Christ. I want her to love me back. I want that unconditional love only a child possesses. Maybe that is why I teach children. But I want the best for my own little child no matter what it takes.
I drew a picture of myself with a little girl leaning up against me in a church meeting. This became the backdrop to my iPhone and iPad to remind me of my true goal in life: an eternal family of my own. I can't wait for this to come true. I look forward to that day with great anticipation. Now that I have a real goal, and a real reason to be clean, I have that much more drive to get there.
I will get there someday. . .no matter how tainted my past has been before.
So, after reading several other blogs, I decided that it would be a good idea to let those who read my journal (and to get it into writing) know who I am and where I stand.
A word of warning though. Only read this at your own risk. It is my very personal history and has portions of it that are intended only for those strong enough to read them. This is a work in progress and may change from time to time.
My story begins when I was seven years old. This was the earliest time I can remember even liking a girl and being attracted for the first time in my life. In fact, not only did I feel that way, but I thought that I was supposed to pick one out in particular. I was in second grade and decided on a girl I thought might fit the bill. I remember that this was not a real crush, it was kind of forced--remember, I thought I had to find a crush. At any rate, I wasn't quite sure what it was about her that made me want to like her, but I sent her a cheesy Valentine's Day card that year and would watch her on the playground.
This continued for three more years really. You could say that I got sort of jealous that she always hung out with her best friend. Well, I decided that maybe her best friend was cute too and started staring at her (since she was in my class in fourth grade and my original "crush" wasn't). But that year I saw a third girl who actually was the first one who caught my eye for real. I felt quite conflicted. Here I had spent three years developing a fake crush in my mind and then suddenly I actually felt attracted to a girl for real for the first time. I didn't want to give up my original crush, but this new one was worth situating myself in my desk so I could face her all the time. It helped that I was already in the advanced pull-out class and she and one other guy came with me once a week to go to that.
When I was seven I had a pretty foul mouth. But I knew I had to be baptized. I knew I would not be worthy if I swore. So one day, I made up my mind that I was going to stop and never do it again. And that was that. In fact, it has only been in the past year that I even said a bad word in order to repeat what a student of mine said only. I refused to even give the first letter of a bad word for years. And I was proud to say that I had not knowingly said a bad word for over 20 years! But having done so taught me one life lesson: I was able to give up sin cold turkey and never look back. All I had to do was choose to do so!
I have always been an early riser. Part of this was due to the fact that I couldn't sleep well as a kid and partly because my family always got up early for family scripture study and prayer on weekdays. On weekends, however, I was left on my own. I still got up earlier than everyone else and couldn't go back to sleep. So, I would get up and wander the house. Sometimes I would swipe a snack cake from the pantry (these were for school and work lunches only, but we all took them). Usually, I would go watch TV with the volume very low, especially to watch my favorite show: Garfield and Friends. Occasionally, though, I would grab the newspaper and read some portion of it or go through the books in the house and look for picture books or simple readers.
Third grade. This was when I discovered one of my mom's mammography self-help books. It was illustrated with live pictures for demonstration. Sadly, those pictures are solidly implanted into my brain. I would wait all week just to get up early on a Saturday and have another peek at that book. This went on for quite some time. One morning I was caught by one of my brothers. Instead of scolding me however, he seemed to join me as we explored the pictures. I thought he eventually lost interest, but apparently he already knew about it and had been viewing them on his own. But this is my story not his. Nevertheless, as it turns out, I still wanted to hide it from him because he would take it from me and look at it himself, telling me that I needed to be older to see it. I never shared it with him again. From then on, it became my secret.
Fourth grade sex-ed. I remember getting the permission slip from my school and bringing it home. I was embarrassed to even let anyone know I had a piece of paper with the word "sex" on it. My parents said they did not mind whether or not I participated in this and left the decision up to me. I said I would try to be strong and go through it. They signed the paper. I turned it in. I dreaded the day that it would come.
The day came. The lesson was shared with a neighboring class. The boys came into my classroom and the girls left to the other classroom. The nurse had brought in a video for us to watch. It showed people in happy relationships holding hands and having picnics, but then it showed the couple kissing. This is where it went "bad". The video then explained how chemical processes affected the brain and made certain changes in the body. It then explained what happened to the body as it developed. I did NOT want to know that. I must have been rather naive as a kid, because up until then, it never occurred to me that girls' bodies and boys' bodies were different. I always knew how to tell the difference with what was on the chest, but that was about it. I was shocked! And then I learned what happens when arousal happens. I was done with sex-ed. I never wanted to participate again. I never did.
I'm going to backtrack a little now. I was quite shy when I was in elementary school. In fact, at lunch time the most I ever did was roam around the entire playground and count how many times I could do so in the time allotted. I think I got up to about 20 or so. Then there was L. I always sat by myself for lunch. L was a grade lower than I was, but she saw me and invited me to sit with her and her friends. She instantly became one of my best friends. We always ate and played together. In fact, we got upset if we could not find each other. It's a shame I didn't know why she invited me to sit with her until I was leaving elementary school. . .it was because she liked me. I started to have a real crush on her by the end of fifth grade, but I was going to be in sixth grade in the middle school and she was going to be in fifth grade at the elementary. Relationships change when you are gone for a year, especially when young and time seems to last a lot longer.
I also joined orchestra. This is where I met A and J. They were both girls who played the violin along with me. Later in I would end up spending a LOT of time with them. Sufficeth it to say at this time, that I went to orchestra once or twice a week and it was attended by mostly girls. I was happy.
Well, time continued as time does. I would view the book from time to time, but it would sometimes not be interesting to me. Eventually, one day it disappeared. I don't know where it went, but somehow it managed to reappear several months later without my noticing. I started to turn my attention elsewhere: newspaper adds.
Because I always got up early, I was usually the first one to get up early on Sunday mornings. Therefore I was usually the one to get the morning paper. I was always excited to get this paper because it seemed every store on Earth put an advertisement in there. Well, it didn't take me long to realize, especially in the summer months, that beside the bras and panties section in the magazines, I could also find plenty of swimsuits too. At times, I would go so far as to actually steal the ads and hide them elsewhere so I could enjoy them.
The good news is that I was not fully addicted to them. I was opportunistic. I could go any amount of time I wanted without seeing it. It was mostly a weekend morning thing before cartoons came on. In fact, I wasn't entirely convinced that I was doing anything wrong other than I wouldn't tell anyone. I was acquainted with a term called "pornography" but it never occurred to me that that was what I was viewing.
In time, I attended middle school. Sixth grade was a strange time in my life. I started to realize that I was maturing, and others around me were too. Most importantly, I realized that I was becoming seriously interested in the girls around me. This is when the real trouble started.
I remember this following scene so clearly, it is as clear to my memory as any that I could conjure up from only moments ago. I remember that it was fifth period, in my sixth-grade mathematics class. We were working with a mock Wheel of Fortune game we had created to simulate probability. We used tables in that class and mine was the third table in at the left of the room. My seat was toward the door on the left, near the wall. A sat next to me on my right, and K sat across from me. I never liked K, she was kind of bossy and a little cruel I would say. But she was a good worker nonetheless and we still got stuff done.
A was wearing a reddish-brown sleeveless shirt. Her shirt was actually rather stiff. K was watching both of us very carefully and was making fun of A at the time. All of a sudden, A reached across the table with her left arm while I was looking at her. I saw her bare chest as clearly as could be. She had nothing on under the shirt. I pretended like nothing happened, but was so caught off guard I must have been staring some. K suddenly remarked that A should wear underwear or clothing a little more tight because she could see her nipple. Then K called me by name and said, "Right? You can see her nipples in that shirt." I wished a mountain would have fallen on me right then. I knew she was right because I had been looking. But A only stretched her arms and I could see them again as she examined her outfit. I kind of shrugged as an answer and tried my best not to look at her for a long time. I also despised K for a very long time following that incident for not only embarrassing me, but for catching me. Secretly though, I liked what she said because it made me think in the smallest degree that it was acceptable and okay to look.
Well, that was the beginning of the end. It was the moment I truly hit puberty so to speak. Here I was an eleven-year-old kid. In my mind I both hated the concept of nudity because of my experience with sex-education, and yet couldn't stop thinking about what I had seen. Perhaps all my preoccupation with the scene is what burned it so deeply into my mind that I can, to this day, conjure it up perfectly if I want to including all colors, sounds, feelings, and even levels of light and direction of shadows in the room. Perhaps this is where my addiction began. I'm not entirely sure, but I do know that I remembered that scene and conjured it so often, that I knew something had changed in me.
Well, now was about the time I discovered my second addiction. I will not go into so much detail with scenes after the one just mentioned, due to their nature. Nevertheless, I discovered that I could find pictures in other places. I discovered that history books and medical journals contained the types of pictures I enjoyed. In fact, I knew every word that had what I wanted because I turned every page of it in the early weekend morning routines and memorized terms I had never heard of just to experience the pictures again. There was an extra room in the house where a computer was kept and I would go in there to write stories (one of my pastimes) as well as simple computer programming and game playing. Well, the door had a lock on it and I could hide in there for some time. I discovered a pair of books about puberty in there. One for men, and one for women. They described in detail all the stages and effects of having intercourse. I devoured the information in these. The pictures were all illustrations, but that didn't matter.
Well. I did something else I am ashamed of. . .I developed the habit of being naked and examining myself. This was the first time that I became aroused. I was excited, worried, and confused all at once. Further exploration went from examination, to personal petting, to the first release. I was frightened.
I had no idea what I had just done! I poured through the material to determine what was wrong with me. I thought about what happened for several days. It finally occurred to me what I had done. I had found something I liked very much, but could not tell anyone. I also knew what brought it on.
Soft-pornography and masturbation went hand-in-hand for quite a while since then. It was still mostly a weekend morning thing until I discovered National Geographic magazines and my mom's underclothing catalogues. I used to steal these magazines and hide them in places in the house so I could enjoy them and find my release too. It grew from weekend only to after-school thrills. I would even cut out certain pictures from adds and put them in my wallet so I could enjoy it whenever I wanted.
It worried me that someone might find out what I was doing. It worried me so much that I would have dreams that I went to find the material and it would be missing. Then, once I woke up, I would take it from its hiding place and return it to its location. This continued for a long time.
Well, I was turning twelve now and it was time to receive the Priesthood. I gave addiction up for a season and was just fine when I became a deacon. I even served as Deacons Quorum President for a while. I knew, once I felt the Spirit during that ordination that now that I held the Priesthood of God, there was no way I could ever go back to a life of sin. That was unfortunately short-lived.
I started to have deeper crushes on the girls in my church ward (congregation). The problem wasn't so much the crushes. That is typical of any young, adolescent boy. My problem was that I found excuses to stare. I would study the habits of the girls in the ward and learn where they sat in church, which classes they were in, and where they waited for their parents after church was over. I would then situate myself the best I could to see them.
Then one day, it occurred to me that teen girls are not always proper in their mannerisms. They slouch. I used this to my advantage to peek. And I was good at it. I could actually hold a conversation with the very girl I was spying on.
I would constantly convince myself that this was okay because I was in public and they were still dressed. It wasn't really pornography right? Well, by definition, I suppose it wasn't but it had another nasty name. I have otherwise always referred to it as spying and peeking.
Middle school was the worst for this. The girl named A was in most of my classes. We became almost best friends for a while. But she rarely wore a bra. I was, unfortunately, one of the only people who knew that--and not because she told me. I always managed to find a way to sit near her or next to her.
In orchestra, it was just me, A, and J. Because we had orchestra in elementary school were more advanced than the other students. Our director did not really play strings, we sort of knew more that he did for technique so he sent us off into a neighboring practice room to practice our own songs as well as the simpler ones the beginning group played. From time to time he would come in to check on us or ask us to join the other group, but mostly we just stayed in our practice room and did whatever we wanted. We learned the songs, but didn't care. I was alone with two gorgeous girls for an hour every day. I was not going to do anything to stop this. In fact, this was true for all three years, even when we got a new director.
In that room, we talked, we played, and we messed around. Sometimes the conversations were very dirty. It even went so far as they would compare bust sizes and show off the tops of their panties to each other. They would even ask my input from time to time. A told some very dirty jokes, and J would go along with them. I pretended not to like them, but I mostly just listened, stared, and peeked. They even went so far as to describe how puberty was affecting them and asked how it was affecting me. For some reason I answered them. I didn't want to lose them.
We got so comfortable that A even changed her shirt in that room with me in there a couple times. She had her back to me and only one of the times did she ask me to look the other way, mostly because she wanted me to make sure the director wasn't coming. I started to fear that they would start asking to make out in that room. I was even more worried that they would ask me to take my clothes off. They never did thank goodness. I am still unsure to this day whether or not I would have had they asked.
Well, that was the pattern for many more years. Spy, view magazines, and release. It grew worse and worse. I would stop for periods of time to advance in the Priesthood, but eventually, I confessed. I knew exactly what I was doing. I was surprised at the bishop's initial response. He told me I just needed to abstain for a short period of time and I would be worthy to get a temple recommend to go do baptisms for the dead. Wasn't that the pattern I was already following?
I did as told, got my recommends, but I don't feel like I ever truly repented. I am almost sure of this since I would still try to spy on girls during the temple trips. I was still convinced at this time that it wasn't fully wrong to spy. After all, they exposed themselves right? Wrong. I put myself exactly where I needed to be to see what I wanted to see. Another instance that really stands out in my mind was at a Mariachi Conference I attended when I was in eighth grade. There were a lot of people everywhere at this conference, but, over and over, I managed to find the same girl who had a loose shirt and nothing underneath. For two days I stalked her, even talked to her at one point, just to satisfy my urges!
I was in a really bad state by the time high school roamed around. Everyone around me was convinced that I was perfect. I never got in trouble, I always had good grades, and I have had perfect attendance my entire life. Nobody ever suspected anything. After all, this was a private sin. Well, I enjoyed the release so much, that I started to do it as often as possible. It was worst in high school when I would get up to 23 times in a single day!
It was at this point that I knew I didn't just like it, I KNEW I was addicted. I tried to wean myself down to just a few times a day. It was almost impossible. I was so hyped up on it, I was like a drug addict. I was sneaking around, always worried, uptight, agitated, etc. I even explored doing it outside hiding behind trees and cars just to get a quick fix. I could not believe the state that I was in. As soon as I was home alone, I was naked. I even studied the TV listing to know when R-rated shows would be on HBO because we were able to get them in static. The static was noisy and annoying, but the mute button fixed the first problem, and sometimes the static was so light, there wasn't much hidden. Sadly, I still remember those movies clearly.
Then the Internet came into our house. I can't quite remember if it was my eighth-grade year or freshman year of school, but that was when we got the Internet. At first, it was only text and gray background. But one day, we had the Internet in color on color screens. Immediately, I started chatting Online. Some of the conversations were inappropriate and I pretended to like a girl named Daydream and her friend Rainbow (whom I eventually found out was also her as she had depression problems and would chat with herself in a public forum to look popular). I sent her a picture of myself through the mail and she dropped me as fast as she could.
I then began looking up pictures of famous actresses I liked. I looked for those pictures which really showed off their figures and were sleeveless. That was enough for me to get my release.
Then one day, my search inevitably had a link to a pornography site. I clicked. I immediately closed the Internet and ran away from it. But it called to me. It was a brand new source of my addiction with brand new things to see. This was when I started collecting. I would format promotional floppy disks which came in the mail and save my finds to the disk. This way, since we had dial-up Internet at the time, if I had the urge to see the pictures, but nobody was awake, I could see them. I even wrote simple HTML code to show them to me in a collage.
I learned how to erase my tracks really well. But one day I was in an extra hurry to get off before getting caught and did not erase my tracks. My parents discovered that I had been searching for it. I found out I wasn't the only one, but it was my search they had found. The Internet was now locked. I found a way around it though. . .I used my hobby of writing, genealogy, and occasional school assignments as excuses to stay on the computer late at night. I would have it connect, then minimize the screen and return to it once I was alone again.
This went on for some time. In high school, I was still alone with A and J from time to time, but not as much. I was, however in the theatre club. This season was more of the same, except that the girls here were extremely open about sexuality and did not care half the time if I saw them changing. It was during this time that I had to kiss a girl in a play. It was a wonderful experience, but it was not enough for me to want to form a real relationship.
This continued until I graduated high school. I was in the top of my class and most people who knew me anywhere thought I was perfect. But now it was time for me to prepare to go to college for a year before I went on my mission. I had convinced myself that I had plenty of time to repent before I went on my mission.
Going to college was no better. At first I did not have the Internet. But that did not stop me. I started by using the few public computers at the Student Union at the university. I only lived a mile away so it wasn't that bad. But then I discovered that the university offered telnet services. I would memorize websites and their layouts, then telnet from home and download my favorite images to my computer.
This was not all, I once walked into the area where the computers were and discovered someone had been searching pornography and left it open on the computer. I pretended to be a good citizen and turn it off, but it wasn't long before I did the exact same thing! I specifically used the computer whose screen did not face the security cameras. The strange thrill I got out of possibly addicting someone else was extreme for a moment, but I didn't even make it downstairs and out the building before I went right back up and turned it off. Thankfully the Internet was not that popular yet and nobody had been in there.
Eventually, I found a free Internet service and discovered Limewire. This was the worst discovery I could have encountered. I now had access to not only pictures, but videos and music. I stole a lot of music, several books, and a few movies from Limewire. I eventually deleted them all, but I would spend hour after hour doing it. Eventually, I discovered pornography videos. I had never experienced that before. I would place ten to twenty videos up in the cue line of the download manager and head off to classes. Once I came home, I would spend hours reviewing and re-reviewing that material making sure I got my release each time.
And then, one awful day, I discovered that I had downloaded one with CP in it. It scared me so much, I didn't know what to do! It did force me delete my entire collection. The collection was about 20 gigabytes of pictures and videos of all kinds. I destroyed it all. I almost gave up the entire addiction cold turkey at that moment. I knew what path my current state was taking me, I had to stop, and I had to stop right then!
Sadly though, the urge and addiction had become imbedded in my entire lifestyle. I didn't know what to do with all my time. Naturally, I landed right back where I was before: peeking, viewing, and releasing. Limewire was history though.
It was time for my mission. I gave up everything that was bad for a season, but only for a little while. I never truly repented. I was only sober for perhaps a month or so, maybe even less. My bishop and stake president signed my papers anyway. I felt better than I ever had, but nowhere the way I should.
On my mission, I continued to have the issue of releasing, but pornography was mostly ancient history. I found an occasional magazine here and there, or would peek at girls, but that was enough to ruin me for a long time. My mind had learned to memorize these scenes and turn them into permanent memories. I still remember most of them today, 10 years later. I eventually confessed this to my mission president. I was sure I was going to be sent home. I worried and worried and worried about it. But, he told me, that though I wouldn't have a temple recommend, I could still be a good missionary. I did not have to be sent home early.
I don't think I was ever fully worthy on my mission. I did it the whole time. I eventually quit for a few weeks and on the night before I went home, my mission president gave me the recommend and warned me that it wasn't something I should just periodically be good for when it was convenient. I needed to be pure all the time. I agreed. Repeatedly losing and regaining a recommend is not the way it is supposed to work.
It was short lived. Once I went home and back to school, I revisited Limewire for a while, but eventually got rid if it again. I still needed my fix. I found other means. I had taken up a job at the university library and was alone a lot. They had computers everywhere. I would take little "breaks" to view pictures, hide in the restroom and release, or peek at library patrons. It never ended. I was in charge of closing all the time and would take those opportunities to sneak in the women's restrooms, just to "say I did". Of course, I never said it to anyone, but it was a strange thrill to me.
At one point I was assigned to work in the architecture library. Nobody ever came in. I would have pornography being downloaded on three computers at once just so I could amass my collection again. I would also hide in the back supply room and release while watching the door. Thank goodness they closed that library. I was really in a bad state.
I lost my recommend again in 2004. It was the last time I had one. I have not really, truly tried to stay clean from then until now. I made a promise to myself however that I would refuse to ever get another recommend until I was actually, fully worthy of receiving one. I refused to enter a temple lobby unless I had a recommend. I have kept that promise, but unfortunately, I kind of missed the point over the years.
Since then, I graduated college, went into teaching, bought a house and started living on my own. Once I was on my own I started to ostracize myself. I began saying "no" to all sorts of things, especially church activities and relationships. In fact, there were nine months where I didn't go to church at all. I will refer to this time as "the stupidest thing I ever did" to those I mention it to. Sadly, it's only low on the totem pole of things I've done.
I had long since determined I would never get into a serious relationship. I had convinced myself that anyone I got serious with would have to find out sooner or later. I thought that they would instantly break up with me and my life would be ruined. Divorce has always been out of the question, so I decided to never go there in the first place. I then was stupid enough to think that maybe I could get in a relationship after I repented and never have to tell any future wife. Who was I kidding? It is an addiction. Addictions can be overcome, but there is real history and relapse temptation. She would find out eventually. Besides, if I hid it, would I have truly repented?
Being a bachelor with my sin was my only outlet. Since being on my own meant being alone, I was more tempted than ever. I started collecting a lot. Over and over I would get a huge collection, then I would feel bad one day when I couldn't use my Priesthood, or couldn't go on a temple trip. Then I would destroy the collection. It wouldn't be long before I started collecting again. The collections were mostly useless. I just liked to hoard them. Just knowing I "owned" certain pictures and videos was enough to keep me excited. It also kept me paranoid. The collections were organized well by how old the picture was, age of model, style, picture versus video, cartoon versus live, etc. It included clothed pictures as well. I would add pictures to the collection by the thousands each day. I almost never looked at them. Instead, I was always searching for that new picture, that new video which would go so well with my collection. I imagined I would one day gather enough to think it was complete and never want to go on the Internet again. Boy was that a dumb idea. Of course it would never be complete. There is always more!
Eventually, I got to the point where I didn't care anymore. I was so deep in addiction that I knew I would never get out of it. I had no hope left and had almost lost all desire to ever end. This was true when I missed witnessing seeing my sister get sealed in the temple and even when my parents told me how sad they were. I was just not interested in repenting. The stake president had called my bluff when I went in to get a recommend unworthily. I held a grudge against him for s long time until I realized it was not him who was calling my bluff, but the Lord. I needed that "kick in the pants" to wake me up. The addiction had been part of my life so long, it was part of me. I had woven it so deeply into my being that it occupied every thought of every hour.
Eventually, my likings became refined to where I watched full pornography, but was not really interested in it. I was more into nude posing in what some people mistakenly call "art". I was very much into nudist websites and would look for nudist families in outings like nude beaches and picnics. I liked seeing people smiling when naked and having a good time. It beat the usual sly grins, worried looks, and pain I saw in the other stuff.
Eventually, I had sort of convinced myself that I wanted to be a nudist too. I wanted a nudist wife and wanted to raise nudist kids. I thought it was the only way. I was naked so often from the releases, I was used to it. But every time I tried, I felt naked. I knew somehow that it was wrong to be naked when there is no reason, even home alone. It took me a very long time to find a reason not to. I even searched out LDS nudist groups to justify my actions. I read their stories, and still, I knew something was wrong about it.
It finally occurred to me why it was. . .the temple garment. If I am naked, then I am not wearing it, and thus, not remembering my covenants from the temple. I may not have been fully worthy to go to the temple in the first place, and I may not have been keeping my covenants, but that didn't mean I didn't know what they were. Being constantly nude, meant being constantly away from my covenants. I still didn't repent, but I found a reason for why it felt wrong to be that way.
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Well, I have finally come to the near-present time. I have a bishop who is truly inspired. There is no doubt in my mind that he is an inspired judge in Israel. It was only a couple months ago that I went to another meeting with him and he told me he was inspired to tell me something. He said, "I feel like I need to tell you that if you don't quit now, you never will." Those words sank so deep into my soul, they still ring in my ear now. I may not have shown much emotion then, but it has hit me hard many times since.
He had given me a goal to be clean for two weeks in order to take the sacrament. That was over two years ago. After he told me that though, I adopted the goal as mine. I decided that it was worth a shot. And then Stephanie (my girlfriend) came into my life and became so forgiving and understanding, I couldn't help but want to give it up more.
I have always wanted to be a father of my own little girl. I want to teach her how to live the gospel and lead a full righteous life. I want her to learn to love the gospel and the Lord, Jesus Christ. I want her to love me back. I want that unconditional love only a child possesses. Maybe that is why I teach children. But I want the best for my own little child no matter what it takes.
I drew a picture of myself with a little girl leaning up against me in a church meeting. This became the backdrop to my iPhone and iPad to remind me of my true goal in life: an eternal family of my own. I can't wait for this to come true. I look forward to that day with great anticipation. Now that I have a real goal, and a real reason to be clean, I have that much more drive to get there.
I will get there someday. . .no matter how tainted my past has been before.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Honesty and Trust
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15 Jul 2013, 10:52 PM
Honesty is a virtue I should never take lightly. It goes alongside trust. When there is no honesty, there can be no trust. I seriously did not put several entries in this journal just for the simple reason that I knew Stephanie would read them and know that I was lying. On Friday, we went to the temple. By Saturday, I was back to my old vices in full throttle. I had four beads in the jar and had just taken them out a day before. Stephanie had a wonderful time at the temple. I did not want her to feel bad over my annoying addiction.
Well, I was stupid and allowed myself to lead her on into thinking that I was clean for longer than I had been. I can blame not being sober for it all I like, but it doesn't change the fact that I lied. Is this what I have come to? Lying? Especially to the only person I have trusted in this world to work with me and help me? How could I?
For four straight days I have been laboring over this in my mind. I was feeling guilty, horrible, and worst of all, I knew I would be telling her soon enough, I was just afraid of the response. It was the same fear I had the very first time I trusted her with the truth of the secret sin two months ago. I had this horrible, insatiable pain in my heart, that once I confessed the relationship would be over. I was worried that I had lost her trust completely!
I contemplated how I would combat this. I pondered that I could lead her on for weeks until she lost count of the days I was clean and then I could "correct" it by giving her the correct number of days. Who was I kidding? How does this fix a lie? It doesn't, plain and simple. All it does is convince my mind that it is okay to rationalize a little sin so long as others forget about it. This is not true.
I have never been a blatant liar. I have hidden the truth of my addiction for a long time, and would change conversations or avoid the topic, but I never flat out lied. What is this doing to me? Is it turning me into some monster? Or did I just now defeat another demon?
When you do something the Lord's way, He helps you. Yes, I hurt her. And yes, she is upset with my dishonesty. But the confession took the weight off my shoulders and she told me she forgave me. I don't know how she can be so strong! I tell her thanks for putting-up with me, and she tells me there is nothing to "put-up with"! So amazing. If I am going to be good company, I need to act like good company.
I wrote her this after some further thought:
"You are awesome. Thanks for being who you are and for helping me through all my nonsense. It has been a candle to light the dismal room I sometimes shut myself into. Keep that flame alight. I need it. Don't let the world get to you. Just remember what the world looks like from the top of the mountain! Remember that the mountain of the Lord is the temple. Remember the peace you find there as well. Sweet dreams. . ."
She is asleep and does not know I have written this for her, but she will wake up to it.
Other Blogs
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15 Jul 2013, 12:08 AM
Okay, so I have to admit that when I originally started this blog, I wrote it with the intention that it would be able to help other people rather than just myself. Maybe I should have written "instead of myself". I am not going to lie that this journal is intended to help others. Had I not wanted to help others, I would have left it on my computer desktop and never turned it into a blog. But here we are anyway. This is a blog, and if you are reading this, then obviously you found it. Hopefully it does help you.
As you can see from the time posted on this particular entry, I am up later than usual. To be honest, since I posted the last one, I have not stopped reading other recovery blogs. Specifically I have been reading blogs from LDS Addiction Recovery Blogs. I find it quite comforting to read the words of those who are struggling with sexual addiction like me, and blogs of those who are suffering as the result of the addiction of someone they love. Blogs of those who have addictions, though they may not be the same as mine, remind me so much of myself, that my mind cites back to those times I did the dame things they did. Reading those blogs of others suffering over loved ones puts the problem in proper perspective to those of us who are blinded by our own drunkenness in sin.
Today I would like to commend Girl of the Dust for her amazing blog. She is so open in the manner in which she discusses her history, pains, thoughts, bewilderments, struggles, and solutions for overcoming those things she struggles with. She also has an amazing way of writing that is just mesmerizing. I am not writing this journal as a means for huge acclaim, but I do fancy myself a good writer. Apparently I am a little out of practice and should work a little harder at what I do. A little
more sincerity in what I write couldn't hurt either.
more sincerity in what I write couldn't hurt either.
It is nice to write something to ease the mind and get thoughts put into words. It is even better in my mind, to write something that I will want to revisit in the near-future to inspire myself to do better!
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Different Venue
________________________
14 Jul 2013, 10:22 PM
So now I am actually at my parents' home for the week. I am here because I am going to be doing a project for work and I didn't feel like commuting this week. I save a lot more money that way. I'm thinking that by staying here I will actually be away from the temptations that normally bother me. This way I will be able to stay cleaner longer.
Plus, since I've been here, We got a call that my brother and his new wife got their temple clearance letters from their previous marriages to be sealed in the mail. They have to wait until the anniversary of their civl marriage, but that will be in November. This gives me a whole new reason to become temple worthy sooner than later. I must attend that sealing. Especially since they are expecting and the child will likely be born before the sealing date. I must be there!
14 Jul 2013, 10:22 PM
So now I am actually at my parents' home for the week. I am here because I am going to be doing a project for work and I didn't feel like commuting this week. I save a lot more money that way. I'm thinking that by staying here I will actually be away from the temptations that normally bother me. This way I will be able to stay cleaner longer.
Plus, since I've been here, We got a call that my brother and his new wife got their temple clearance letters from their previous marriages to be sealed in the mail. They have to wait until the anniversary of their civl marriage, but that will be in November. This gives me a whole new reason to become temple worthy sooner than later. I must attend that sealing. Especially since they are expecting and the child will likely be born before the sealing date. I must be there!
Today's Talk on Tithing
Talk on Tithing
In order for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to thrive in the world, it needs financing. The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, has given us a way to pay for the up-keep of His Kingdom. This is the Law of Tithing. In 1838, Joseph Smith inquired of the Lord what should be required as a sufficient sacrifice of the people. Doctrine and Covenants Section 119 gives the Lord's answer and commandment for us to pay tithing in these latter days:
1 Verily, thus saith the Lord, I require all their surplus property to be put into the hands of the bishop of my church in Zion,
2 For the building of mine house, and for the laying of the foundation of Zion and for the priesthood, and for the debts of the Presidency of my Church.
3 And this shall be the beginning of the tithing of my people.
4 And after that, those who have thus been tithed shall pay one-tenth of all their interest annually; and this shall be a standing law unto them forever, for my holy priesthood, saith the Lord.
5 Verily I say unto you, it shall come to pass that all those who gather unto the land of Zion shall be tithed of their surplus properties, and shall observe this law, or they shall not be found worthy to abide among you.
6 And I say unto you, if my people observe not this law, to keep it holy, and by this law sanctify the land of Zion unto me, that my statutes and my judgments may be kept thereon, that it may be most holy, behold, verily I say unto you, it shall not be a land of Zion unto you.
7 And this shall be an ensample unto all the stakes of Zion. Even so. Amen.
As we can see, the Lord's definition is simply "one-tenth of all. . .interest annually". To determine a tenth, we use our favorite middle-school mathematics to move the decimal place one spot to the left. For a thousand dollars, pay one hundred; for one hundred, pay ten; for ten, pay one; for one dollar, pay a dime; and for dime, pay a penny.
In 1953, Joseph L. Wirthlin, a former Presiding Bishop of the Church, gave his definition when he explained: “The very word itself denotes one-tenth. A tithe is one-tenth of the wage earner’s full income. A tithe is one-tenth of the professional man’s net income. A tithe is one-tenth of the farmer’s net income, and also one-tenth of the produce used by the farmer to sustain his family which is a just and equitable requirement, as others purchase out of their income such food as is needed to provide for their families. A tithe is one-tenth of the dividends derived from investments. A tithe is one-tenth of net insurance income less premiums if tithing has been paid on the premiums.” (Conference Report, April 1953, p. 98. Italics added.)
We should remember that many Church leaders have counseled as Brigham Young did that like other commandments the Lord will not force you to pay your tithing, though he urges that we do so honestly and not pretend to do it (“Brigham Young on Tithing,” Improvement Era, May 1941, p. 282). The Lord first gave us our agency and our choice to follow him or not follow him. You can come to church activities, attend meetings, and socialize with other members and not pay your tithing, however, if you want the blessing that the Lord has in store for us, you must pay your tithes and offerings to the Lord. This is, in-fact, a question placed before us to enter the temple.
Heber J. Grant was well known for his counsel on tithing during his presidency in the church. He gave the following in The Improvement Era in 1941: "I heard a very splendid illustration given by a Sunday School teacher of the Primary class. She brought to her school ten beautiful red apples. She explained that everything we have in the world came to us from the Lord, and she said, 'Now, children, if I give one of you these ten apples, will you give me one back again? Now, any one of you children that will do that, hold up your hand.' And of course they all held up their hands. Then she said, 'That is what the Lord does for us. He gives us the ten apples, but He requests that we return one to Him to show our appreciation of that gift.'
"The great trouble with the majority of people is that when they get the ten apples, they eat up nine of them and then they cut the other in two and give the Lord half of what is left. Some of them cut the apple in two and eat up one-half of it and then hold up the other half and ask the Lord to take a bite. That is about as near as they see fit to share properly and show their gratitude to the Lord.
"The payment of our tithing in the season thereof — when we get our income — makes it come easy. I find that those who pay tithing every month have very much less difficulty in paying it than those who postpone payment to the end of the year, when they have eaten the nine apples, so to speak; but if they pay the minute they get the apples in their possession, there is no hardship; their hearts are full of gratitude, and they are willing to express their gratitude; but after the nine apples are eaten, they think the Lord is very hard to want all they have left" (Improvement Era, vol. 44, pp. 9, 56).
If we look anciently, in the scriptures, we can see what some of the blessings are that tithing affords us. We learn in Genesis 14 that Abraham (then Abram) paid tithes to Melchizedek, who was the high priest. This is expounded upon in Hebrews 7 and Alma 13, where we learn that it is through the Priesthood that these tithes were administered. The Sons of Levi, for instance, who were those chosen by God to administer in the Priesthood, were in charge of collecting the tithes of the people from Moses through to the days of Jesus Christ. In Genesis 28, we see Jacob covenanting to always pay one tenth to God.
A most oft quoted scripture on tithing, however, comes from Malachi chapter 3:
8 Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings.
9 Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation.
10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.
How great would it be to receive so many blessings, we don't even have room enough to receive them? How awful does it sound to know that we may be robbing God? We should remember that God has given us everything we have. From air and water, to our very bodies. He has given us the gospel and all the knowledge we receive. So far, I already can't name all the blessings I have received. But these are given to everyone. Imagine how much more we would receive when we remember to pay our tithing!
When we read these versus, we often forget to quote the rest of the chapter. The rest of the chapter explains several more of the blessings which come from tithing. In verse seven, the Lord says "Return unto me, and I will return unto you, saith the Lord of hosts." Now let's see verses eleven and twelve and count the blessings of paying tithes and offerings: "11 And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground; neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field, saith the Lord of hosts. 12 And all nations shall call you blessed: for ye shall be a delightsome land, saith the Lord of hosts." Now those are some blessings I could enjoy. The Lord actually promises to bless the whole nation!
One of the greatest blessings I have found in my personal paying of tithing is the growth in my testimony. This is one of the commandments from the Lord that we are able to follow one hundred percent perfectly. Every one of us has the ability to be perfect in this. And with so many blessings afforded to us because of it, it is worth doing. The only way to learn what those blessing are, however, is to actually pay it.
My parents taught me well the lessons of paying tithing. In my house we did not have an allowance, but at least once a year, at tithing settlement, we would pay offerings. My parents would give us a few pennies to put in an envelope and have us fill out the tithing slip as early as we could read. We would give this as our offering. It was a special thing to give a small token to the Bishop and then receive a paper statement from him with my own name on it! I remember the excited feeling to this day. It inspired me to want to earn my own money. I then started collecting the coins I found scattered on the ground from time to time and would separate out a tenth of that income and give it to the Lord. It was, after all, a gift from the Lord, and He deserved His portion of it. Eventually of course, through mowing my neighbors' lawns and other chores I was able to earn other income I was eager to tithe.
As I pay it now, I receive abundant blessings. I am certain that because I pay my tithing the Lord has taught me how to mange my own money better. I will often figure my budget in my head and not determine how I will manage to pay the tithing. But when I sit at the computer and include the tithing in as a part of the budget, everything works out.
Because of my paying tithing, I have been able to afford what I have. I was able to get post-secondary education and completely pay for it without loans. I am not completely out of debt, I have plenty of that, but the debt is reasonable, manageable, and as I continue to pay tithing, somehow manages to get paid faster than I plan for it. In fact, at one point, I asked the Lord to help me find a job, and he gave me two! The blessings never end. I may not have a garden which won't cast its fruit before its time, but I do have a meager income and bills which must come at certain times of the month to be paid on time and cars which need to be kept up. If bills come early or an accident occurs, it can hurt financially. The Lord, however, helps find a way, every time. I can rest easy and exercise increased faith, that even in those circumstances, though I may have to sacrifice, due to my payment in tithing, I will be blessed with a means to do what is necessary to get my life back in order. And this will come in a fashion of blessings so large, I will not have room enough to receive them!
Taken from the May 1994 Ensign is a story by Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “During World War II, my widowed mother supported her three young children on a schoolteacher’s salary that was meager. When I became conscious that we went without some desirable things because we didn’t have enough money, I asked my mother why she paid so much of her salary as tithing. I have never forgotten her explanation: ‘Dallin, there might be some people who can get along without paying tithing, but we can’t. The Lord has chosen to take your father and leave me to raise you children. I cannot do that without the blessings of the Lord, and I obtain those blessings by paying an honest tithing. When I pay my tithing, I have the Lord’s promise that he will bless us, and we must have those blessings if we are to get along’” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1994, 43–44; or Ensign, May 1994, 33).
But there is another driving force in my willingness to pay my tithing, and that is in knowing where it goes. What does tithing pay for anyway? We don't have a paid clergy, so we know the Bishop doesn't look forward to buying a nice yacht with all the money handed him. . . . No, the money goes to helping build the Lord's Kingdom. Doctrine and Covenants Section 120 tells us how tithes should be administered: "Verily, thus saith the Lord, the time is now come, that it shall be disposed of by a council, composed of the First Presidency of my Church, and of the bishop and his council, and by my high council; and by mine own voice unto them, saith the Lord. Even so. Amen." The 'bishop' in this case refers to the Presiding Bishop of the Church and the 'council' refers to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.
Elder Robert D. Hales, in the October 2002 General Conference explained this: "Significant in our day is the way in which tithing is distributed. As we see examples of greed and avarice among some irresponsible corporate executives, we can be grateful that the Lord has provided a way for tithing to be administered under His direction.
"According to revelation, bishops are ordained to 'keep the Lord’s storehouse; to receive the funds of the church.' Both bishops and clerks are expected to be full-tithe payers who have learned to live prudently within their means. Within hours of receiving tithing funds from members of their wards and branches, these local leaders transmit the funds directly to the headquarters of the Church.
"Then, as revealed by the Lord, the use of tithing is determined by a council comprised of the First Presidency, the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and the Presiding Bishopric. The Lord specifically states that the council’s work be directed 'by mine own voice unto them.' This council is called the Council on the Disposition of the Tithes."
Also, in the aforementioned talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, he further explains the distribution of the funds: “[Tithing] funds are spent to build and maintain temples and houses of worship, to conduct our worldwide missionary work, to translate and publish scriptures, to provide resources to redeem the dead, to fund religious education, and to support other Church purposes selected by the designated servants of the Lord” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1994, 46; or Ensign, May 1994, 35).
President Hinckley, former President of the Church told of how much the brethren prayerfully consider the use of all funds: “I keep on the credenza behind my desk a widow’s mite that was given me in Jerusalem many years ago as a reminder, a constant reminder, of the sanctity of the funds with which we have to deal. They come from the widow; they are her offering as well as the tithe of the rich man, and they are to be used with care and discretion for the purposes of the Lord. We treat them carefully and safeguard them and try in every way that we can to see that they are used as we feel the Lord would have them used for the upbuilding of His work and the betterment of people” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 69; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 50).
Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve once said: “Successful financial management in every LDS home begins with the payment of an honest tithe. If our tithing and fast offerings are the first obligations met following the receipt of each paycheck, our commitment to this important gospel principle will be strengthened and the likelihood of financial mismanagement will be reduced. Paying tithing promptly to Him who does not come to check up each month will teach us and our children to be more honest with those physically closer at hand” (One for the Money: Guide to Family Finance [pamphlet, 1992], 3).
Again, President Heber J. Grant teaches us of tithing: "The Lord does not need your money or mine. Compliance with the law of tithing and donations for ward meetinghouses, stake houses, academies, temples, missionary work and these various needs, are all for our good. They are but lessons that we are learning which will qualify and prepare us to become more godlike and to be fitted to go back into the presence of our heavenly Father. The very lessons of a financial nature that are given us are the same as lessons that are given in a school to a boy or a girl; they are for the benefit of the boy; they are for the benefit of the girl, for their advancement, for their joy and happiness in after life; because of all the knowledge and information we acquire, and in the improvement that we make, we ourselves are the ones who are benefited.
"God our heavenly Father has instituted laws to improve his people physically, spiritually, intellectually, and one of the best laws in all the world to make better Latter-day Saints is the law of tithing. There are many people who believe the gospel and would probably embrace it, but for the fact that they are like that young man of whom we read in the Scripture, when the Savior told him, after the young man declared that 'all these things have I done,' to sell what he had and give to the poor [see Matthew 19:16–22]. Many people cannot endure the gospel because of financial requirements that are made of them, and they allow the things of this world, which they have grasped firmly and steadfastly, to rob them of the greatest of all God’s gifts, namely, life eternal. I commend the law of tithing to the Latter-day Saints" (In Conference Report, Oct. 1921, 6–7; paragraphing altered).
May we all remember to pay our tithing and other offerings. There is no reason why we should deny the blessings associated with tithing because we think we are too poor, unworthy, or too far in debt to pay. None of these excuses will do. We should always trust in God and put faith in His promise that He will take care of us. I leave you with my testimony that I know tithing is not only a commandment from our Heavenly Father, but a means by which He can not wait to bless us. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
In order for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to thrive in the world, it needs financing. The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, has given us a way to pay for the up-keep of His Kingdom. This is the Law of Tithing. In 1838, Joseph Smith inquired of the Lord what should be required as a sufficient sacrifice of the people. Doctrine and Covenants Section 119 gives the Lord's answer and commandment for us to pay tithing in these latter days:
1 Verily, thus saith the Lord, I require all their surplus property to be put into the hands of the bishop of my church in Zion,
2 For the building of mine house, and for the laying of the foundation of Zion and for the priesthood, and for the debts of the Presidency of my Church.
3 And this shall be the beginning of the tithing of my people.
4 And after that, those who have thus been tithed shall pay one-tenth of all their interest annually; and this shall be a standing law unto them forever, for my holy priesthood, saith the Lord.
5 Verily I say unto you, it shall come to pass that all those who gather unto the land of Zion shall be tithed of their surplus properties, and shall observe this law, or they shall not be found worthy to abide among you.
6 And I say unto you, if my people observe not this law, to keep it holy, and by this law sanctify the land of Zion unto me, that my statutes and my judgments may be kept thereon, that it may be most holy, behold, verily I say unto you, it shall not be a land of Zion unto you.
7 And this shall be an ensample unto all the stakes of Zion. Even so. Amen.
As we can see, the Lord's definition is simply "one-tenth of all. . .interest annually". To determine a tenth, we use our favorite middle-school mathematics to move the decimal place one spot to the left. For a thousand dollars, pay one hundred; for one hundred, pay ten; for ten, pay one; for one dollar, pay a dime; and for dime, pay a penny.
In 1953, Joseph L. Wirthlin, a former Presiding Bishop of the Church, gave his definition when he explained: “The very word itself denotes one-tenth. A tithe is one-tenth of the wage earner’s full income. A tithe is one-tenth of the professional man’s net income. A tithe is one-tenth of the farmer’s net income, and also one-tenth of the produce used by the farmer to sustain his family which is a just and equitable requirement, as others purchase out of their income such food as is needed to provide for their families. A tithe is one-tenth of the dividends derived from investments. A tithe is one-tenth of net insurance income less premiums if tithing has been paid on the premiums.” (Conference Report, April 1953, p. 98. Italics added.)
We should remember that many Church leaders have counseled as Brigham Young did that like other commandments the Lord will not force you to pay your tithing, though he urges that we do so honestly and not pretend to do it (“Brigham Young on Tithing,” Improvement Era, May 1941, p. 282). The Lord first gave us our agency and our choice to follow him or not follow him. You can come to church activities, attend meetings, and socialize with other members and not pay your tithing, however, if you want the blessing that the Lord has in store for us, you must pay your tithes and offerings to the Lord. This is, in-fact, a question placed before us to enter the temple.
Heber J. Grant was well known for his counsel on tithing during his presidency in the church. He gave the following in The Improvement Era in 1941: "I heard a very splendid illustration given by a Sunday School teacher of the Primary class. She brought to her school ten beautiful red apples. She explained that everything we have in the world came to us from the Lord, and she said, 'Now, children, if I give one of you these ten apples, will you give me one back again? Now, any one of you children that will do that, hold up your hand.' And of course they all held up their hands. Then she said, 'That is what the Lord does for us. He gives us the ten apples, but He requests that we return one to Him to show our appreciation of that gift.'
"The great trouble with the majority of people is that when they get the ten apples, they eat up nine of them and then they cut the other in two and give the Lord half of what is left. Some of them cut the apple in two and eat up one-half of it and then hold up the other half and ask the Lord to take a bite. That is about as near as they see fit to share properly and show their gratitude to the Lord.
"The payment of our tithing in the season thereof — when we get our income — makes it come easy. I find that those who pay tithing every month have very much less difficulty in paying it than those who postpone payment to the end of the year, when they have eaten the nine apples, so to speak; but if they pay the minute they get the apples in their possession, there is no hardship; their hearts are full of gratitude, and they are willing to express their gratitude; but after the nine apples are eaten, they think the Lord is very hard to want all they have left" (Improvement Era, vol. 44, pp. 9, 56).
If we look anciently, in the scriptures, we can see what some of the blessings are that tithing affords us. We learn in Genesis 14 that Abraham (then Abram) paid tithes to Melchizedek, who was the high priest. This is expounded upon in Hebrews 7 and Alma 13, where we learn that it is through the Priesthood that these tithes were administered. The Sons of Levi, for instance, who were those chosen by God to administer in the Priesthood, were in charge of collecting the tithes of the people from Moses through to the days of Jesus Christ. In Genesis 28, we see Jacob covenanting to always pay one tenth to God.
A most oft quoted scripture on tithing, however, comes from Malachi chapter 3:
8 Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings.
9 Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation.
10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.
How great would it be to receive so many blessings, we don't even have room enough to receive them? How awful does it sound to know that we may be robbing God? We should remember that God has given us everything we have. From air and water, to our very bodies. He has given us the gospel and all the knowledge we receive. So far, I already can't name all the blessings I have received. But these are given to everyone. Imagine how much more we would receive when we remember to pay our tithing!
When we read these versus, we often forget to quote the rest of the chapter. The rest of the chapter explains several more of the blessings which come from tithing. In verse seven, the Lord says "Return unto me, and I will return unto you, saith the Lord of hosts." Now let's see verses eleven and twelve and count the blessings of paying tithes and offerings: "11 And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground; neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field, saith the Lord of hosts. 12 And all nations shall call you blessed: for ye shall be a delightsome land, saith the Lord of hosts." Now those are some blessings I could enjoy. The Lord actually promises to bless the whole nation!
One of the greatest blessings I have found in my personal paying of tithing is the growth in my testimony. This is one of the commandments from the Lord that we are able to follow one hundred percent perfectly. Every one of us has the ability to be perfect in this. And with so many blessings afforded to us because of it, it is worth doing. The only way to learn what those blessing are, however, is to actually pay it.
My parents taught me well the lessons of paying tithing. In my house we did not have an allowance, but at least once a year, at tithing settlement, we would pay offerings. My parents would give us a few pennies to put in an envelope and have us fill out the tithing slip as early as we could read. We would give this as our offering. It was a special thing to give a small token to the Bishop and then receive a paper statement from him with my own name on it! I remember the excited feeling to this day. It inspired me to want to earn my own money. I then started collecting the coins I found scattered on the ground from time to time and would separate out a tenth of that income and give it to the Lord. It was, after all, a gift from the Lord, and He deserved His portion of it. Eventually of course, through mowing my neighbors' lawns and other chores I was able to earn other income I was eager to tithe.
As I pay it now, I receive abundant blessings. I am certain that because I pay my tithing the Lord has taught me how to mange my own money better. I will often figure my budget in my head and not determine how I will manage to pay the tithing. But when I sit at the computer and include the tithing in as a part of the budget, everything works out.
Because of my paying tithing, I have been able to afford what I have. I was able to get post-secondary education and completely pay for it without loans. I am not completely out of debt, I have plenty of that, but the debt is reasonable, manageable, and as I continue to pay tithing, somehow manages to get paid faster than I plan for it. In fact, at one point, I asked the Lord to help me find a job, and he gave me two! The blessings never end. I may not have a garden which won't cast its fruit before its time, but I do have a meager income and bills which must come at certain times of the month to be paid on time and cars which need to be kept up. If bills come early or an accident occurs, it can hurt financially. The Lord, however, helps find a way, every time. I can rest easy and exercise increased faith, that even in those circumstances, though I may have to sacrifice, due to my payment in tithing, I will be blessed with a means to do what is necessary to get my life back in order. And this will come in a fashion of blessings so large, I will not have room enough to receive them!
Taken from the May 1994 Ensign is a story by Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: “During World War II, my widowed mother supported her three young children on a schoolteacher’s salary that was meager. When I became conscious that we went without some desirable things because we didn’t have enough money, I asked my mother why she paid so much of her salary as tithing. I have never forgotten her explanation: ‘Dallin, there might be some people who can get along without paying tithing, but we can’t. The Lord has chosen to take your father and leave me to raise you children. I cannot do that without the blessings of the Lord, and I obtain those blessings by paying an honest tithing. When I pay my tithing, I have the Lord’s promise that he will bless us, and we must have those blessings if we are to get along’” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1994, 43–44; or Ensign, May 1994, 33).
But there is another driving force in my willingness to pay my tithing, and that is in knowing where it goes. What does tithing pay for anyway? We don't have a paid clergy, so we know the Bishop doesn't look forward to buying a nice yacht with all the money handed him. . . . No, the money goes to helping build the Lord's Kingdom. Doctrine and Covenants Section 120 tells us how tithes should be administered: "Verily, thus saith the Lord, the time is now come, that it shall be disposed of by a council, composed of the First Presidency of my Church, and of the bishop and his council, and by my high council; and by mine own voice unto them, saith the Lord. Even so. Amen." The 'bishop' in this case refers to the Presiding Bishop of the Church and the 'council' refers to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.
Elder Robert D. Hales, in the October 2002 General Conference explained this: "Significant in our day is the way in which tithing is distributed. As we see examples of greed and avarice among some irresponsible corporate executives, we can be grateful that the Lord has provided a way for tithing to be administered under His direction.
"According to revelation, bishops are ordained to 'keep the Lord’s storehouse; to receive the funds of the church.' Both bishops and clerks are expected to be full-tithe payers who have learned to live prudently within their means. Within hours of receiving tithing funds from members of their wards and branches, these local leaders transmit the funds directly to the headquarters of the Church.
"Then, as revealed by the Lord, the use of tithing is determined by a council comprised of the First Presidency, the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and the Presiding Bishopric. The Lord specifically states that the council’s work be directed 'by mine own voice unto them.' This council is called the Council on the Disposition of the Tithes."
Also, in the aforementioned talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, he further explains the distribution of the funds: “[Tithing] funds are spent to build and maintain temples and houses of worship, to conduct our worldwide missionary work, to translate and publish scriptures, to provide resources to redeem the dead, to fund religious education, and to support other Church purposes selected by the designated servants of the Lord” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1994, 46; or Ensign, May 1994, 35).
President Hinckley, former President of the Church told of how much the brethren prayerfully consider the use of all funds: “I keep on the credenza behind my desk a widow’s mite that was given me in Jerusalem many years ago as a reminder, a constant reminder, of the sanctity of the funds with which we have to deal. They come from the widow; they are her offering as well as the tithe of the rich man, and they are to be used with care and discretion for the purposes of the Lord. We treat them carefully and safeguard them and try in every way that we can to see that they are used as we feel the Lord would have them used for the upbuilding of His work and the betterment of people” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1996, 69; or Ensign, Nov. 1996, 50).
Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve once said: “Successful financial management in every LDS home begins with the payment of an honest tithe. If our tithing and fast offerings are the first obligations met following the receipt of each paycheck, our commitment to this important gospel principle will be strengthened and the likelihood of financial mismanagement will be reduced. Paying tithing promptly to Him who does not come to check up each month will teach us and our children to be more honest with those physically closer at hand” (One for the Money: Guide to Family Finance [pamphlet, 1992], 3).
Again, President Heber J. Grant teaches us of tithing: "The Lord does not need your money or mine. Compliance with the law of tithing and donations for ward meetinghouses, stake houses, academies, temples, missionary work and these various needs, are all for our good. They are but lessons that we are learning which will qualify and prepare us to become more godlike and to be fitted to go back into the presence of our heavenly Father. The very lessons of a financial nature that are given us are the same as lessons that are given in a school to a boy or a girl; they are for the benefit of the boy; they are for the benefit of the girl, for their advancement, for their joy and happiness in after life; because of all the knowledge and information we acquire, and in the improvement that we make, we ourselves are the ones who are benefited.
"God our heavenly Father has instituted laws to improve his people physically, spiritually, intellectually, and one of the best laws in all the world to make better Latter-day Saints is the law of tithing. There are many people who believe the gospel and would probably embrace it, but for the fact that they are like that young man of whom we read in the Scripture, when the Savior told him, after the young man declared that 'all these things have I done,' to sell what he had and give to the poor [see Matthew 19:16–22]. Many people cannot endure the gospel because of financial requirements that are made of them, and they allow the things of this world, which they have grasped firmly and steadfastly, to rob them of the greatest of all God’s gifts, namely, life eternal. I commend the law of tithing to the Latter-day Saints" (In Conference Report, Oct. 1921, 6–7; paragraphing altered).
May we all remember to pay our tithing and other offerings. There is no reason why we should deny the blessings associated with tithing because we think we are too poor, unworthy, or too far in debt to pay. None of these excuses will do. We should always trust in God and put faith in His promise that He will take care of us. I leave you with my testimony that I know tithing is not only a commandment from our Heavenly Father, but a means by which He can not wait to bless us. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Gaming Therapy?
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9 Jul 2013, 2:12 PM:
This particular entry is written as a therapy to get me out of the mood to give in to temptation. Quite frankly, I find it strangely odd to be tempted right now. I was playing an On-line game and had pretty much forgotten about worrying about temptation. It is always nice to forget about it from time to time. When my mind is not thinking about it, I know I am sobering up.
Unfortunately, gaming is not always the best thing for avoiding the temptation. All it really does is trade one addiction for another. My gaming addiction, however, won't keep me out of the temple, but that's no excuse to game all day either. The main issue with gaming, though, is the fact that I am sitting at the computer. It is really easy to just stop playing and jump on the Internet. Within seconds I will be able to access whatever images or videos I want. I know where they are. But right now I'm not interested.
Of course, by simply writing this entry on the computer I'm even closer to the Internet because I do not need to say goodbye to a lot of other players in the game and shut it down. This program shuts down with one click. I have, however, chosen to write the journal on this computer so that I can use it for good. The computer is, after all, a tool.
I will explain why I use gaming as an alternate though. In the gaming world I have to use all my senses (except perhaps smell and taste). If it is a game that I play by myself on the computer, it is easier to just quit and mess around. If the game is an MMO, then I have On-line "friends" whom I talk to and discuss things with. It is a very basic form of socializing. Unfortunately not everyone who games is clean in speech and thought. Sometimes, I find exactly what I am trying to avoid in what I considered an antidote.
I think I have sufficiently overcome the current situation of temptation in my ramblings. Not all of these entries are totally coherent, but sometimes it's just nice to be able to put words in writing to clear the mind from all the clutter.
9 Jul 2013, 2:12 PM:
This particular entry is written as a therapy to get me out of the mood to give in to temptation. Quite frankly, I find it strangely odd to be tempted right now. I was playing an On-line game and had pretty much forgotten about worrying about temptation. It is always nice to forget about it from time to time. When my mind is not thinking about it, I know I am sobering up.
Unfortunately, gaming is not always the best thing for avoiding the temptation. All it really does is trade one addiction for another. My gaming addiction, however, won't keep me out of the temple, but that's no excuse to game all day either. The main issue with gaming, though, is the fact that I am sitting at the computer. It is really easy to just stop playing and jump on the Internet. Within seconds I will be able to access whatever images or videos I want. I know where they are. But right now I'm not interested.
Of course, by simply writing this entry on the computer I'm even closer to the Internet because I do not need to say goodbye to a lot of other players in the game and shut it down. This program shuts down with one click. I have, however, chosen to write the journal on this computer so that I can use it for good. The computer is, after all, a tool.
I will explain why I use gaming as an alternate though. In the gaming world I have to use all my senses (except perhaps smell and taste). If it is a game that I play by myself on the computer, it is easier to just quit and mess around. If the game is an MMO, then I have On-line "friends" whom I talk to and discuss things with. It is a very basic form of socializing. Unfortunately not everyone who games is clean in speech and thought. Sometimes, I find exactly what I am trying to avoid in what I considered an antidote.
I think I have sufficiently overcome the current situation of temptation in my ramblings. Not all of these entries are totally coherent, but sometimes it's just nice to be able to put words in writing to clear the mind from all the clutter.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Early to Rise
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8 Jul 2013, 8:39 PM
I find it interesting how much getting up early can make a difference on the day. I planned last night to make sure I got up early today so that I would be more productive. I even set an alarm to wake me up. It's annoying to wake up to an alarm when I'm on summer vacation, but as it turns out, I woke up before the alarm went off.
I immediately got ready. Because I did, I was ready to go to work and get things accomplished. I was able to clean areas of my house, do laundry, and take my truck in to get fixed. It was interesting to note how by noon, I had already accomplished most of what I had intended for the day. Had I woken up even a hour later, I would have been more lazy and wasted the entire day trying to decide whether or not to actually do those same chores.
The best part about it is that as I am active throughout the day, I am less inclined to be tempted. In fact, it barely even crosses my mind that I have an addiction.
Being as Day 3 is drawing to a close, I am feeling more sober. You can see it in my countenance I'm sure. There is no question that even the horrible addiction of lust can cloud the mind into a drunken state. It really is sobering to be clean. I notice it right away, my Bishop at church notices it right away. I wish for that two-week mark however, as it is supposed to be the official sober period once many of the toxins have had time to cleanse themselves out of my mind.
D&C 88:124 Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another; cease to sleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated.
I can tell you that this scripture has been tested by me. It is truly inspired and excellent advise from the Lord Himself.
8 Jul 2013, 8:39 PM
I find it interesting how much getting up early can make a difference on the day. I planned last night to make sure I got up early today so that I would be more productive. I even set an alarm to wake me up. It's annoying to wake up to an alarm when I'm on summer vacation, but as it turns out, I woke up before the alarm went off.
I immediately got ready. Because I did, I was ready to go to work and get things accomplished. I was able to clean areas of my house, do laundry, and take my truck in to get fixed. It was interesting to note how by noon, I had already accomplished most of what I had intended for the day. Had I woken up even a hour later, I would have been more lazy and wasted the entire day trying to decide whether or not to actually do those same chores.
The best part about it is that as I am active throughout the day, I am less inclined to be tempted. In fact, it barely even crosses my mind that I have an addiction.
Being as Day 3 is drawing to a close, I am feeling more sober. You can see it in my countenance I'm sure. There is no question that even the horrible addiction of lust can cloud the mind into a drunken state. It really is sobering to be clean. I notice it right away, my Bishop at church notices it right away. I wish for that two-week mark however, as it is supposed to be the official sober period once many of the toxins have had time to cleanse themselves out of my mind.
D&C 88:124 Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another; cease to sleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated.
I can tell you that this scripture has been tested by me. It is truly inspired and excellent advise from the Lord Himself.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Sabbath Day
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7 Jul 2013
You would think that the Sabbath Day is void of temptation, but that is not so. As it turns out, it is just another day to work at being holy and righteous. I find my Sundays very busy times. In fact, they are quite busy because of good works. Today for instance I was preparing my reports for the Elders Quorum, making sure the men's choir was organized and tending to other duties. I gave several people rides. And wouldn't you know, while I was writing this very entry I got a call to give a talk in church next week! Needless to say, by the time I got home, I was too exhausted to really think about doing much. You know what this means: idleness.
I find it funny that Sunday is often one of the toughest times for me. I know I will be alone. I know I will not have anyone watching me. The Lord's Day is one of the most difficult days to stay holy for someone with a secret, private addiction. It is a time people are spending with their families, resting, playing games, etc. For a bachelor like me, it means that nobody will be coming over. Nobody will be calling. Nobody will be bothering me. It is the truest test of faithfulness. How do I act when I know I am completely alone?
Temptation came the way it usually comes: the Internet. It's like my computer calls me saying, "Come, play with the Internet. You can look up pictures of clothed girls, you can just read the news, play some online games. Nothing too bad, just come over here and idly surf the Internet." Well, I know where that always leads. Today it was for me to look up pictures of the mermaids from the most recent Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I did look up some pictures. Luckily I was more interested in the names of the actors than in the pictures themselves. There was one which hinted at nudity, but wasn't quite there. I had to stop. I immediately closed the Internet.
Instead of running away and pacing around the house, I pulled out the little blue glass bead I had been carrying around today and admired it and the symbolism I assigned to it. Then I went on to the LDS Hastening the Work of Salvation site to find the talks from the recent leadership conference for my church. I found the videos they played during the conference and watched those--admittedly because I remembered there was a cute girl in one of them. Well, I enjoyed the pretty face, but the message in the video was way stronger than the selfish reason I opened the video. I couldn't help but watch the other video short as well as half of Elder Perry's talk. This completely freed my mind from the problem of temptation it was having earlier.
Thank goodness I had the resolve to do what was right today. I can't wait to have two beads in that jar tomorrow morning. I already suffered by taking one out. There is no need to do that again.
7 Jul 2013
You would think that the Sabbath Day is void of temptation, but that is not so. As it turns out, it is just another day to work at being holy and righteous. I find my Sundays very busy times. In fact, they are quite busy because of good works. Today for instance I was preparing my reports for the Elders Quorum, making sure the men's choir was organized and tending to other duties. I gave several people rides. And wouldn't you know, while I was writing this very entry I got a call to give a talk in church next week! Needless to say, by the time I got home, I was too exhausted to really think about doing much. You know what this means: idleness.
I find it funny that Sunday is often one of the toughest times for me. I know I will be alone. I know I will not have anyone watching me. The Lord's Day is one of the most difficult days to stay holy for someone with a secret, private addiction. It is a time people are spending with their families, resting, playing games, etc. For a bachelor like me, it means that nobody will be coming over. Nobody will be calling. Nobody will be bothering me. It is the truest test of faithfulness. How do I act when I know I am completely alone?
Temptation came the way it usually comes: the Internet. It's like my computer calls me saying, "Come, play with the Internet. You can look up pictures of clothed girls, you can just read the news, play some online games. Nothing too bad, just come over here and idly surf the Internet." Well, I know where that always leads. Today it was for me to look up pictures of the mermaids from the most recent Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I did look up some pictures. Luckily I was more interested in the names of the actors than in the pictures themselves. There was one which hinted at nudity, but wasn't quite there. I had to stop. I immediately closed the Internet.
Instead of running away and pacing around the house, I pulled out the little blue glass bead I had been carrying around today and admired it and the symbolism I assigned to it. Then I went on to the LDS Hastening the Work of Salvation site to find the talks from the recent leadership conference for my church. I found the videos they played during the conference and watched those--admittedly because I remembered there was a cute girl in one of them. Well, I enjoyed the pretty face, but the message in the video was way stronger than the selfish reason I opened the video. I couldn't help but watch the other video short as well as half of Elder Perry's talk. This completely freed my mind from the problem of temptation it was having earlier.
Thank goodness I had the resolve to do what was right today. I can't wait to have two beads in that jar tomorrow morning. I already suffered by taking one out. There is no need to do that again.
Nonsense Temptation
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6 Jul 2013, 7:06 PM:
Today has been very good. I have had no temptation worth worrying about. It does pop into my mind, but that can easily be ignored and overcome. I started off the day with service: helping clean the church building. After doing service, you are very much not interested in doing selfish things. After the service, I was able to hang out with Stephanie for a movie and lunch. We then practiced some juggling and balancing tricks.
Time went on with me playing some computer games and watching some TV constantly texting Stephanie about them as we usually do. But then, Stephanie entered into one of her "attitude issues" as she calls them. I've seen this before. In myself.
I just now texted her the following: "When I was in high school, I learned something about myself. Every once in a while, when I was getting on the right track, I would have these situations where I would get totally agitated about everything around me. I would hate the world for no reason and not want to do anything. I was not bad, just had bad thoughts. Then I realized I was preoccupied with them so much they became stupid thoughts. I would hate a rock simply for sitting on the sidewalk.
"I realized one day that these episodes were not feelings of depression or anxiety at all. They were false thoughts put into my mind by the devil.
"They were out there to make me give up caring about anything and commit sin instead.
"Immediately, once I would recognize them, I would tell my tempter to go away. . .
"He always disappeared immediately and the rogue thoughts and feelings were gone too.
"It builds up over a period of days. You don't notice it come on.
"By then, you are so caught up in it, you forget yourself and then forget God.
"It's Satan's favorite trick to grab me.
"The trick is to recognize the stupid nonsensical thoughts. When you start hating leaves because they are green and chairs because they have four legs, then you know you are experiencing something like what I get."
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6 Jul 2013, 7:06 PM:
Today has been very good. I have had no temptation worth worrying about. It does pop into my mind, but that can easily be ignored and overcome. I started off the day with service: helping clean the church building. After doing service, you are very much not interested in doing selfish things. After the service, I was able to hang out with Stephanie for a movie and lunch. We then practiced some juggling and balancing tricks.
Time went on with me playing some computer games and watching some TV constantly texting Stephanie about them as we usually do. But then, Stephanie entered into one of her "attitude issues" as she calls them. I've seen this before. In myself.
I just now texted her the following: "When I was in high school, I learned something about myself. Every once in a while, when I was getting on the right track, I would have these situations where I would get totally agitated about everything around me. I would hate the world for no reason and not want to do anything. I was not bad, just had bad thoughts. Then I realized I was preoccupied with them so much they became stupid thoughts. I would hate a rock simply for sitting on the sidewalk.
"I realized one day that these episodes were not feelings of depression or anxiety at all. They were false thoughts put into my mind by the devil.
"They were out there to make me give up caring about anything and commit sin instead.
"Immediately, once I would recognize them, I would tell my tempter to go away. . .
"He always disappeared immediately and the rogue thoughts and feelings were gone too.
"It builds up over a period of days. You don't notice it come on.
"By then, you are so caught up in it, you forget yourself and then forget God.
"It's Satan's favorite trick to grab me.
"The trick is to recognize the stupid nonsensical thoughts. When you start hating leaves because they are green and chairs because they have four legs, then you know you are experiencing something like what I get."
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Showers are Evil
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6 Jul 2013, 6:43 AM:
Showers are evil. Or at least that's how I feel about them. I find it really sad that that I can not get in the shower without worrying that I am going to give in. It's the sensation of being naked that automatically triggers the response that I am supposed to be sinning. Well, needless to say, I fell. It was painful to remove the bead from the jar which took me a week to get in there in the first place.
And, as predicted, as soon as I fell, I binged. The thought process involves something akin to: "I've sinned today already. I may as well do some more and start over tomorrow. Let's have some fun now that I'm already in trouble." It really isn't worth it. Drinking one beer is not worth getting drunk over because you feel bad about drinking the first one! Thank goodness I don't drink.
Thankfully, I was still smart enough to say prayers and read scriptures this morning. I just hope I can place the bead back in the jar tomorrow morning!
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6 Jul 2013, 6:43 AM:
Showers are evil. Or at least that's how I feel about them. I find it really sad that that I can not get in the shower without worrying that I am going to give in. It's the sensation of being naked that automatically triggers the response that I am supposed to be sinning. Well, needless to say, I fell. It was painful to remove the bead from the jar which took me a week to get in there in the first place.
And, as predicted, as soon as I fell, I binged. The thought process involves something akin to: "I've sinned today already. I may as well do some more and start over tomorrow. Let's have some fun now that I'm already in trouble." It really isn't worth it. Drinking one beer is not worth getting drunk over because you feel bad about drinking the first one! Thank goodness I don't drink.
Thankfully, I was still smart enough to say prayers and read scriptures this morning. I just hope I can place the bead back in the jar tomorrow morning!
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Anxiety
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5 Jul 2013, 2:27 PM:
So, I had just finished writing the last entry a couple hours ago and then the next phase of temptation and ridiculousness hit. This time it was extreme anxiety and frustration. I had sever anxiety over nothing during a time I was trying to avoid getting it. Then frustration hit me when I was trying to collapse a small box to put in the recycle pile. I ended up ripping the box in two and throwing it to the floor. Then I kinda went nuts and started texting mean comments to Stephanie. She reminded me to pray. The thought was already going through my head, but I guess I needed that extra boost of someone reminding me to do it to actually break down and do it.
It seemed like a less-than-sincere prayer, but apparently it was just what I needed. The scripture "the Spirit. . .teacheth a man to pray. . .[but] the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray" (2 Nephi 32:8) had been going through my head for quite some time already. Within minutes I was relieved of the anxiety and frustration. I was able to thus eat some lunch and feel relaxed again.
This just goes to prove that the addiction of lust is more than just an addiction. . . it is a tool of the adversary to tempt mankind and pull them away from God. This is why I almost use temptation as a substitute for withdrawals interchangeably. The withdrawals are temptation. Many of them are not results of the lack of dopamine being produced in the brain, but are a result of Satan actually attempting to 'kick me while I'm down'.
It would have been so easy to blame the mood on the change of the weather as today's monsoon blew in. I've never been a fan of humidity and that will make me irritable. This was definitely not a result of the storm. I like watching storms!
5 Jul 2013, 2:27 PM:
So, I had just finished writing the last entry a couple hours ago and then the next phase of temptation and ridiculousness hit. This time it was extreme anxiety and frustration. I had sever anxiety over nothing during a time I was trying to avoid getting it. Then frustration hit me when I was trying to collapse a small box to put in the recycle pile. I ended up ripping the box in two and throwing it to the floor. Then I kinda went nuts and started texting mean comments to Stephanie. She reminded me to pray. The thought was already going through my head, but I guess I needed that extra boost of someone reminding me to do it to actually break down and do it.
It seemed like a less-than-sincere prayer, but apparently it was just what I needed. The scripture "the Spirit. . .teacheth a man to pray. . .[but] the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray" (2 Nephi 32:8) had been going through my head for quite some time already. Within minutes I was relieved of the anxiety and frustration. I was able to thus eat some lunch and feel relaxed again.
This just goes to prove that the addiction of lust is more than just an addiction. . . it is a tool of the adversary to tempt mankind and pull them away from God. This is why I almost use temptation as a substitute for withdrawals interchangeably. The withdrawals are temptation. Many of them are not results of the lack of dopamine being produced in the brain, but are a result of Satan actually attempting to 'kick me while I'm down'.
It would have been so easy to blame the mood on the change of the weather as today's monsoon blew in. I've never been a fan of humidity and that will make me irritable. This was definitely not a result of the storm. I like watching storms!
The Beginning
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5 Jul 2013, 11:51 AM:
I have just now decided that it is important to begin my own recovery journal. I am not sure if I am writing this to help other people (since most things I write are written with the intent others will read them), to help myself (as a reaction to craving triggers), or as a means to get everything on "paper" and then destroy it when I am cured. In fact, I am not even sure that I will ever want to read any previous entries again. Nevertheless, it has been a very long time since I have kept any sort of a journal and it was about time that I wrote about the number one thing that has been on my mind for years: pornography and masturbation.
I really don't know if I just simply want to write to get things off my mind to keep myself occupied or not, but that seems to be the purpose for it today. I want to write a full history of my issues, but then I realize that if the intent of this is to recover from the symptoms and withdrawals, then that may not be the best choice. I have never liked writing about the issue because it keeps it on my mind. However, I have noticed specific patterns in the withdrawals for myself and I think by recording them and otherwise making a record of them, I will be able to better recognize them when they come.
Today is only Day 2 in the recovery process once again. A couple months ago I made it 9 1/2 days straight. I have made it three days many many times in the past. Five days has always seemed like a major landmark for me, but it is also a day that scares me. For some reason, the withdrawals symptoms are strongest on Days 3 and 5. There must be something that is inherently messed up in my system that causes that. Somehow though, even though today is Day 2, it feels like Day 5!
I just right now read about how dopamine is the drug that is produced in the brain for gratification of sexual urges, drugs, etc:
http://www.reuniting.info/science/porn_addiction_withdrawal_symptoms
But in this particular article, I read that there is a type of withdrawal symptom akin to binging. Basically, when someone has been sober for a while, they will almost inevitably fall again. This leads to feeling depressed and worthless. Such feelings will lead to binging. It think this exact thing has happened to me and is one of the reasons I am so agitated right now. It would explain why my Day 2, which is usually a day that is easily overcome without thought or effort, is like a Day 5 which usually seems to feel like I'm strapped to a table and forced to think about my sexual desires.
Let me explain my current predicament: My birthday was a week and a half ago. That particular day was Day 3 in the current trial. I was excited, and wishing I would never do it again marking my birthday as "The Day I Gave up Pornography and Masturbation". Well, that is a day I mark on the calendar regularly. I have made that day over and over again. Birthdays, siblings' birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc. They all make a "perfect" reason to give it up and an easy way to remember when I did so that I can celebrate it the next year. Well, after ten years of that, I still haven't been able to. Cinco de Mayo (May 5th) was an excellent day this year and was Day 1 of the 9 1/2 day streak aforementioned, but, well, following that, I did four or five spouts of 5 days each and several spouts of binging. Anyone who notices patterns would realize that today is July 5th, marking the Fourth of July, Independence Day as Day 1 again. . . .
Well, let me get back on what I was talking about (as though there were any rhyme or reason as to what I was writing in the first place). Two days after my birthday this year, I hit Day 5 again. Day 5 is scary. It always is. It frightens me to approach it. Even when I am on Day 4, I worry how well I'm going to do on Day 5. Day 3 poses its own threats and problems, but I can usually overcome them just by telling myself that they won't be as bad as when Day 5 rolls around.
Well, I thought I would be smart and leave the house early. Leaving the house is one of the goals that I made for myself this year that has seemed to work pretty well at helping me leave the stickiest of the situations and get me away from the computer in times of weakness. I was doing great. I text-ed Stephanie (a pseudonym I'll use for my girlfriend) and was so excited that I was going to be clean. I was approaching the level of being sober and was loving life. The urges were hitting hard and regular as they always do. I decided to stay out shopping longer because of it.
While I was out I decided it would be nice to try using something tangible once again. I often like to use things which are tangible in order to overcome things. My problem was that I always used money as a way to "bribe" myself to stop sinning. Seriously though, why would money make me not sin? I tried to convince myself that I kept a good enough budget that I could budget in a dollar a day perhaps that once I reached ideal lengths of time, I could reward myself with the money and get myself something nice as a reward. Rewards are nice, this wasn't a reward. This was a bribe. I needed something more realistic that I could look at and not worship like money--something I've spent thousands of feeding this horrible monster.
I decided that I would begin to use beads. Simple glass beads would work for me. Basically I could carry around a glass bead with me. It is light, simple, replaceable if lost, cheap, etc. The concept is this: when I get up each morning, I consider the previous day. If all is well, I place the bead in the jar. Then I will see how nicely I am progressing. The beads will represent one full day of cleanliness. There is a catch though. If I mess up, I have to empty the jar. I never want to empty that jar. My goal is to buy a new jar. Once my jar is full, it will never be emptied. That portion of my life will be full -- full of things that are NOT pornography or masturbation. It makes for a tangible method of holding something, and looking at something to remind me of my ultimate goal.
I suppose I should now talk about my summer goals. There are seven of them:
1) Be Honest. If I mess up, I need to admit it, immediately.
2) Daily checkup for prayer and scripture study. I don't just read and pray daily, I have to report in and summarize what I read (with Stephanie who is helping me).
3) Clean one room daily. I find I am more likely to stay clean myself when I am in a clean environment.
4) Leave the house every day.
5) Attend Addiction Recovery Group every week. This is a must. It is a re-charge mid-week. Plus the 12-step program works.
6) Go to the Temple once a month. I must keep the goal in site.
7) Use the Priesthood regularly and fulfill church callings. By giving service, I become selfless in order to over-come a selfish problem.
I have to say, at this point, I am not doing everything on the list perfectly. I can say, however, that ever since I formed the list, I have become much better. I have not missed one day of prayer since May 5th, though I think I did miss one or two nightly prayers. I have only missed a few days of scripture study. Those days were mostly on binging days. I only missed a couple days cleaning something up. I also only failed two or three times at leaving the house, even if it only involves a walk around the block.
Well, my mind has pretty much drawn a blank. I think this writing has helped me today. It helped the urge go away by getting my mind off of it -- even though that is exactly what I was writing about. Maybe this is exactly what I needed.
5 Jul 2013, 11:51 AM:
I have just now decided that it is important to begin my own recovery journal. I am not sure if I am writing this to help other people (since most things I write are written with the intent others will read them), to help myself (as a reaction to craving triggers), or as a means to get everything on "paper" and then destroy it when I am cured. In fact, I am not even sure that I will ever want to read any previous entries again. Nevertheless, it has been a very long time since I have kept any sort of a journal and it was about time that I wrote about the number one thing that has been on my mind for years: pornography and masturbation.
I really don't know if I just simply want to write to get things off my mind to keep myself occupied or not, but that seems to be the purpose for it today. I want to write a full history of my issues, but then I realize that if the intent of this is to recover from the symptoms and withdrawals, then that may not be the best choice. I have never liked writing about the issue because it keeps it on my mind. However, I have noticed specific patterns in the withdrawals for myself and I think by recording them and otherwise making a record of them, I will be able to better recognize them when they come.
Today is only Day 2 in the recovery process once again. A couple months ago I made it 9 1/2 days straight. I have made it three days many many times in the past. Five days has always seemed like a major landmark for me, but it is also a day that scares me. For some reason, the withdrawals symptoms are strongest on Days 3 and 5. There must be something that is inherently messed up in my system that causes that. Somehow though, even though today is Day 2, it feels like Day 5!
I just right now read about how dopamine is the drug that is produced in the brain for gratification of sexual urges, drugs, etc:
http://www.reuniting.info/science/porn_addiction_withdrawal_symptoms
But in this particular article, I read that there is a type of withdrawal symptom akin to binging. Basically, when someone has been sober for a while, they will almost inevitably fall again. This leads to feeling depressed and worthless. Such feelings will lead to binging. It think this exact thing has happened to me and is one of the reasons I am so agitated right now. It would explain why my Day 2, which is usually a day that is easily overcome without thought or effort, is like a Day 5 which usually seems to feel like I'm strapped to a table and forced to think about my sexual desires.
Let me explain my current predicament: My birthday was a week and a half ago. That particular day was Day 3 in the current trial. I was excited, and wishing I would never do it again marking my birthday as "The Day I Gave up Pornography and Masturbation". Well, that is a day I mark on the calendar regularly. I have made that day over and over again. Birthdays, siblings' birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc. They all make a "perfect" reason to give it up and an easy way to remember when I did so that I can celebrate it the next year. Well, after ten years of that, I still haven't been able to. Cinco de Mayo (May 5th) was an excellent day this year and was Day 1 of the 9 1/2 day streak aforementioned, but, well, following that, I did four or five spouts of 5 days each and several spouts of binging. Anyone who notices patterns would realize that today is July 5th, marking the Fourth of July, Independence Day as Day 1 again. . . .
Well, let me get back on what I was talking about (as though there were any rhyme or reason as to what I was writing in the first place). Two days after my birthday this year, I hit Day 5 again. Day 5 is scary. It always is. It frightens me to approach it. Even when I am on Day 4, I worry how well I'm going to do on Day 5. Day 3 poses its own threats and problems, but I can usually overcome them just by telling myself that they won't be as bad as when Day 5 rolls around.
Well, I thought I would be smart and leave the house early. Leaving the house is one of the goals that I made for myself this year that has seemed to work pretty well at helping me leave the stickiest of the situations and get me away from the computer in times of weakness. I was doing great. I text-ed Stephanie (a pseudonym I'll use for my girlfriend) and was so excited that I was going to be clean. I was approaching the level of being sober and was loving life. The urges were hitting hard and regular as they always do. I decided to stay out shopping longer because of it.
While I was out I decided it would be nice to try using something tangible once again. I often like to use things which are tangible in order to overcome things. My problem was that I always used money as a way to "bribe" myself to stop sinning. Seriously though, why would money make me not sin? I tried to convince myself that I kept a good enough budget that I could budget in a dollar a day perhaps that once I reached ideal lengths of time, I could reward myself with the money and get myself something nice as a reward. Rewards are nice, this wasn't a reward. This was a bribe. I needed something more realistic that I could look at and not worship like money--something I've spent thousands of feeding this horrible monster.
I decided that I would begin to use beads. Simple glass beads would work for me. Basically I could carry around a glass bead with me. It is light, simple, replaceable if lost, cheap, etc. The concept is this: when I get up each morning, I consider the previous day. If all is well, I place the bead in the jar. Then I will see how nicely I am progressing. The beads will represent one full day of cleanliness. There is a catch though. If I mess up, I have to empty the jar. I never want to empty that jar. My goal is to buy a new jar. Once my jar is full, it will never be emptied. That portion of my life will be full -- full of things that are NOT pornography or masturbation. It makes for a tangible method of holding something, and looking at something to remind me of my ultimate goal.
I suppose I should now talk about my summer goals. There are seven of them:
1) Be Honest. If I mess up, I need to admit it, immediately.
2) Daily checkup for prayer and scripture study. I don't just read and pray daily, I have to report in and summarize what I read (with Stephanie who is helping me).
3) Clean one room daily. I find I am more likely to stay clean myself when I am in a clean environment.
4) Leave the house every day.
5) Attend Addiction Recovery Group every week. This is a must. It is a re-charge mid-week. Plus the 12-step program works.
6) Go to the Temple once a month. I must keep the goal in site.
7) Use the Priesthood regularly and fulfill church callings. By giving service, I become selfless in order to over-come a selfish problem.
I have to say, at this point, I am not doing everything on the list perfectly. I can say, however, that ever since I formed the list, I have become much better. I have not missed one day of prayer since May 5th, though I think I did miss one or two nightly prayers. I have only missed a few days of scripture study. Those days were mostly on binging days. I only missed a couple days cleaning something up. I also only failed two or three times at leaving the house, even if it only involves a walk around the block.
Well, my mind has pretty much drawn a blank. I think this writing has helped me today. It helped the urge go away by getting my mind off of it -- even though that is exactly what I was writing about. Maybe this is exactly what I needed.
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