Honesty and Trust

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15 Jul 2013, 10:52 PM

Honesty is a virtue I should never take lightly. It goes alongside trust. When there is no honesty, there can be no trust. I seriously did not put several entries in this journal just for the simple reason that I knew Stephanie would read them and know that I was lying. On Friday, we went to the temple. By Saturday, I was back to my old vices in full throttle. I had four beads in the jar and had just taken them out a day before. Stephanie had a wonderful time at the temple. I did not want her to feel bad over my annoying addiction.

Well, I was stupid and allowed myself to lead her on into thinking that I was clean for longer than I had been. I can blame not being sober for it all I like, but it doesn't change the fact that I lied. Is this what I have come to? Lying? Especially to the only person I have trusted in this world to work with me and help me? How could I?

For four straight days I have been laboring over this in my mind. I was feeling guilty, horrible, and worst of all, I knew I would be telling her soon enough, I was just afraid of the response. It was the same fear I had the very first time I trusted her with the truth of the secret sin two months ago. I had this horrible, insatiable pain in my heart, that once I confessed the relationship would be over. I was worried that I had lost her trust completely!

I contemplated how I would combat this. I pondered that I could lead her on for weeks until she lost count of the days I was clean and then I could "correct" it by giving her the correct number of days. Who was I kidding? How does this fix a lie? It doesn't, plain and simple. All it does is convince my mind that it is okay to rationalize a little sin so long as others forget about it. This is not true.

I have never been a blatant liar. I have hidden the truth of my addiction for a long time, and would change conversations or avoid the topic, but I never flat out lied. What is this doing to me? Is it turning me into some monster? Or did I just now defeat another demon?

When you do something the Lord's way, He helps you. Yes, I hurt her. And yes, she is upset with my dishonesty. But the confession took the weight off my shoulders and she told me she forgave me. I don't know how she can be so strong! I tell her thanks for putting-up with me, and she tells me there is nothing to "put-up with"! So amazing. If I am going to be good company, I need to act like good company.

I wrote her this after some further thought:

"You are awesome. Thanks for being who you are and for helping me through all my nonsense. It has been a candle to light the dismal room I sometimes shut myself into. Keep that flame alight. I need it. Don't let the world get to you. Just remember what the world looks like from the top of the mountain! Remember that the mountain of the Lord is the temple. Remember the peace you find there as well. Sweet dreams. . ."

She is asleep and does not know I have written this for her, but she will wake up to it.