Sharp Rocks of Life

Tuesday, August 5, 2014; 6:50 pm:

Today I would like to relate a story, I got permission to tell, originally told by our facilitator at group last week. This was a true story from his past. For anonymity, I will refer to this brother as Phil.

Phil was on vacation with his family in Mexico at a beach house. One night, one of his younger granddaughters, about four years of age, asked that he and she go down together to the beach to play in some of the sea foam before the sun set. He was glad that she wanted to spend this time with him and gladly walked her down to the beach.

Much of the water had already receded, exposing the sharp rocks and corral. As they approached the rocks, he saw how there were just too many to approach the receded shore safely. Seeing as they did not bring their shoes with them, he told her, "I don't think we can get across. There are too many sharp rocks."

 The little girl looked at him then let go of his hand. She said, "Come on, Grandpa, we just have to find the right path!" She then careful, and gently pressed down with her foot to find the solid sand patches between the sharp edges of the rocks. After a short while, she arrived at the other end of the rocks. She turned around and called to her grandfather, "See, Grandpa? It's easy!"

Phil almost cried as he instantly recognized the life lessons this young child was teaching him. She would not understand then what impact her innocent statement made on him. Slowly, he followed her tiny footprints which were clearly visible in the sand. Sometimes he stepped near them, sometimes he stepped directly on top of them just to make sure he could find the safe way through where he joined her at the other side.

This story hit me similar to the way it him when it happened to him. I can just imagine others calling me, telling me "We just have to find the right path. Come on! It's easy!" The sharp rocks of life stand ominously in front of us all. We just have to slow down, look for the prints already made in the sand, and carefully, place our own feet in the path which has been laid out before us!

New to the Course

Tuesday, July 29, 2014; 8:17 pm:

Last week I was in group meeting and we had a new individual show up. There are a couple stereotypes of those who come to group: those ready to work and those who only want to get it done and leave. This guy wanted to get it done and leave. I can't forget the words he first spoke when he was given a recovery manual and told he can keep it, "Oh, don't worry, I'll probably give it back when the steps are over." Everyone else in the room smiled and chuckled under our breath. We were all thinking the same thing: "Yeah, I thought the same thing when I came. He has a lot to learn."

If ever there was someone who needs the steps it is this guy. He skimmed the headings and determined he could pretty much skips the first three or four steps because he was already good and they were not "spiritual steps". He just wanted to get it over with and be done so he could go get his temple marriage. We carefully helped him understand how the recovery process really works.

It's incredible how sneaky Satan can be in tricking us into thinking we are righteous, clean, and on the right track. That is why the first couple steps in the process are so important in the first place. The recovery process is so much more than abstinence: it is recovery. Half the guys in group already have temple recommends and are still in the first five steps. Some have finished the steps and have started over again. This is a sign of a person in recovery. They are doing all they can to overcome the sin and not just avoid it.

Better Being Born Good or To Overcome Evil?

Tuesday, July 8, 2014; 7:33 pm:

I was playing a game and one of the characters in that game said something to the effect of whether it is better to be born good or to overcome the natural tendencies of being evil through constant study, prayer, and application. This is an excellent question. I think that this is truly the whole question of life, the universe, and everything though!

In the pre-mortal world, we were presented with two plans: God The Father and Christ's Plan, and an alternate by Lucifer (later Satan, of course). Lucifer suggested that everyone be saved, no matter what so that not one would be lost. This of course would erase our agency. We would not be able to choose what we do, we would be "born good", and there would be nothing we could do about it.

With Christ's plan (the original, unchanging, and eternal plan in the first place), we would be given the ability to choose. This would bring with it great blessings of knowledge and understanding. One of my favorite quotes from the scriptures comes from Mother Eve:

     10 And in that day Adam blessed God and was filled, and began to prophesy concerning all the families of the earth, saying: Blessed be the name of God, for because of my transgression my eyes are opened, and in this life I shall have joy, and again in the flesh I shall see God.

     11 And Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our   transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.

        --Moses 5:10-11

I discovered one day what it meant to have an atonement. It was through my struggles with the addiction and all of its effects that I realized how important a Savior really is. As it turns out, there are sins we can commit which we cannot, in this life, fully make recompense for. Only Christ can overcome those for us. No matter how much I try, no matter what I do, there is no way for me to travel back in time and undo my addiction from the beginning. It is done, it was committed. I can only repent, abstain, overcome, and rely on The Savior to take it away. That is the meaning of the atonement.

Had we been given Lucifer's plan, we would not be able to be "at one" with God at all. We would be miserable, or worse: eternally ignorant of the joy that comes from living a righteous life in contrast to what is evil.

So is it better to be born good or overcome evil? As painful, difficult, hard, annoying, and strenuous as it may seem, I choose to overcome evil.

Watching for the Monsoon

 

Thursday, July 3, 2014; 4:05:

Monsoons in Southern Arizona are an interesting thing. Year after year growing up I have looked out my window and enjoyed the relief the monsoons gave from the summer heat and dusty wind. I noticed that there was a daily pattern to them:

The day starts off bright with clear skies; no clouds in sight. By noon, the first wispy clouds have shown up. By around three the skies turn dark with splotches of blue sky. By four there are distance rumblings of thunder and sometimes flashes of lightning. The wind picks up. By five it pours. Sometimes it lasts as few as five minutes, sometimes hours (either way, the same amount of water might fall in both instances). Within another couple hours the clouds disperse once again.

Of course, there is always some variance like when it rains for three straight days and the roads flood out or when the clouds decided not to come in at all.

I was watching the storm today, and realized how close it is to worldly temptation. It may be the best sun-shiny day until the storm comes. There is a lot of warning for the storm, but I find it is difficult to notice since it typically rolls in over head without any sound. Gradually the daylight gets blocked out and I begin to feel comfortable. Am I comfortable with the temptation when it comes?

All of a sudden, without warning, the wind blows. I have time to seek shelter, but I tend to stay out in the wind to feel the cool breeze. A distant, soft, rumbling warns of the coming storm. Then the rain appears in sheets. It rarely sends warning droplets. When the rain hits, it's too late! I get wet instantly. The rain combines with the wind and it all seems to raining sideways! I can barely see the house from the street! Before long there is an eruption of electricity in the air!

Sometimes it lasts a short time, sometimes temptation lasts for days on end. But it always clears in the end. The adversary might make the storm look inviting to start, but it will grab me in the end and drench me if I do not heed the constant, gentle, rumblings warnings of the Spirit to get out of the storm! Thankfully, The Lord offers the towel of repentance when I slip into the indulgence of a storm.

Don't Break the Moment

Friday, June 27, 2914; 8:26 pm:

This week I have been on vacation with my girlfriend in Utah. Over the course of the week I have been able to see many things which are inspiring. I was able to see some of my family I had not seen in years, I was able to see her family and get to know them. I was able to see a river and flow down it. I was able to see the landscape from the top of a mountain. And best of all, I was able to see twelve temples and walk around most of them.

In all this time, the temptation level has been near zero. I have not needed to find a time or place to hide or flee. I have been sober the entire time and it feels great. In fact, the only reason it even crossed my mind was because my girlfriend checked up on me. I am grateful for The Lord for helping me stay this way: for taking it out of my mind.

I have found that surrounding myself with things and people I love makes the entire world a different place in my mind and I can even feel free.

Now I have to carry it with me and make sure I don't break the moment!

Take A Break

Wednesday, June 18, 2014; 10:09 pm:

Something that crosses my mind from time to time is just how much the addiction occupies my mind. Sometimes I think that part of the reason I give in to temptation is because I am concentrating on overcoming it. When this happens, I find that I sometimes forget to live the rest of my life. It is difficult at times to realize at times that I am so caught up in overcoming my addiction that in a sense I have created a secondary addiction: an addiction to the process of the cure.

I find that my best moments of sobriety come when I forget that I have an addiction in the first place. In this case, it is important to "Take a Break"!

Dearest Heavenly Father. . . .

Dearest Heavenly Father,

I thank Thee for the blessings which Thou hast given me. Thou hast given me such wondrous blessings, I do not know how to accept them all. I have received from Thy hand promises and prophesies which both bless and confound me. I pray that I will learn to grow using all the talents and abilities Thou hast bestowed upon me. Allow me to accept with patience and understanding the trials which do beset me. Help me in my efforts to grow closer to Thee.

I need Thy guiding hand in all that I do. Please bring the peace to my heart that I know only Thy Spirit can bestow. I need that peace to calm my vexations and torments of my soul. Thou knowest of those things which I stand need of. Thou hast made me aware of my situation and granted me the privilege to understand who I am and who I need to become.

I pray for Thy constant guidance. Help me to follow the path that is the most sure way to return to Thy presence. I so desire to have Thy never-ceasing companionship with me at all times. As I enter into the world, I need Thee to help remind me who I am that I might be true to the straight-and-narrow way.

Please forgive me of those trespasses which I have committed. At times, I have a tendency to give in to the natural man. I understand that he is an enemy to Thee and I need Thy guidance and companionship to combat this natural man and all the wiles of the devil. I desire to be free from temptation and sin, but understand that I must endure to fully understand and comprehend fully Thy full plan of happiness and salvation.

Please bestow upon me the power of the Atonement through Thy Son, Jesus Christ. Allow me to reach into the heavens and feel of the peace of cleanliness and righteous power and light. In return, please allow Thy Son to reach down and grasp my out-stretched hands. Please allow me to come forward and enter in an embrace that I might feel of His love to me and recognize for myself the gift which has been provided.

Help me to be a better person. I pray that I might serve my fellow men in ways that will help them and honor Thee. I wish to make recompense for the wrongs which I have committed. Allow me the opportunity and open my mind that I might remember those things which need correction that I might be able to make proper restitution. Help me honor the Priesthood and use it to bless the lives of others.

Father, I so desire to be with Thee. I wish to receive the blessings which Thou hast promised to the righteous and faithful. Help me be one of those who will stand on your right hand at that Great and Dreadful and otherwise Wondrous Day of the coming of The Lord, Thy Son: Jesus Christ, my Savior!

Please, Father, grant me this petition that I may feel peace in my heart and be one with Thee and Thy Son. Help me honor my part of my covenants that I may make good on Thy promises. Help me be whole. Quiet the ramblings of my heart. Grant me witness of thine everlasting love and affection.

This I pray, in the name of Thy Son, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Draw Near

Tuesday, June 3, 2014; 7:09 pm:

"Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you."
            --D&C 88:63.

I wonder sometimes how I am doing with this particular principle of the gospel (as well as this portion of Step 11 in the recovery program). How well have I drawn near to The Lord? Am I distancing myself from him on purpose or drawing only as close as I like instead of where I should be?

These are questions which need to be asked in order to know how I am doing with my own personal progression along life's paths. On a day-to-day basic, however, it is essential to first of all make sure I have a constant prayer in my heart for protection and guidance in all I do. I have to ask. The second most important thing I need is to make sure I am listening. Without the guidance of the Holy Ghost, I do not stand a chance against many of the fiery darts which come my way.

I have learned over time that The Lord will always reach out to help me. Most of the time, I just have to be smart enough to reach back and accept the help.

No Cavities!

Tuesday, May 27, 2014; 6:58 pm:

Recently I went to the dentist for the first time in (cough, cough) 13 years. Why did I not go? Well, there were a couple factors I suppose. The first reason was that one of the things I hate more than most is anything metal scraping on my teeth. The second reason for not going was the money; let's face it, dentists are expensive sometimes and I needed my wisdom teeth extracted still. The main reason, however, was me worrying that I was going to come out with a mouth made of metal from all the cavities I would have since I had such horrible dental hygiene habits. I was so sure I had cavities. I did not like the concept of drilling, prodding, poking, filling, and then having to go the rest of my life worrying about biting something wrong and breaking it out.

Well, I finally decided that enough was enough and I had to go. My girlfriend came along for moral support (okay, so she set up the appointments, rushed from work, and drove me there. . .she did all the work, I was being a little kid!). The very first thing they did was the X-ray. I bit onto the uncomfortable machine as it whizzed around my head. Then I was led to the chair to await the results. The nurse/dentist/someone brought it in and placed it on the screen. Yes, I had the expected impacted wisdom tooth, and the top two were over-extended, but I found out I never had a bottom right wisdom tooth and. . . No Cavities! There were no cavities! The whole reason I was so worried about going in the first place did not even matter! I was worried about going to the dentist so badly because of something that didn't even exist!

This is how life goes I think. I look at my life, especially with the addiction and mope and complain constantly about how horrible I am and how many problems I have. Sometimes I forget how The Lord is willing to forgive all sins when I repent! Why am I so unwilling to ask for His help? As it sometimes turns out, there really is nothing to worry about!

It's time to have that spiritual X-ray and get it over with. No more lamenting that which doesn't exist! No cavities!

Repent Early

May 20, 2014; 4:52 pm:

I had an interesting thought come to my mind concerning Step 9 in the Addiction Recovery Program some time ago. In Step 9, it asks you to go out and reconcile yourself of all past offenses (of any sort). Though I have not fully made it to that particular step yet in my workings, I have nonetheless made a reasonable effort to think on it.

My thoughts brought me to this: prevent the list from getting longer! I came to the conclusion that just because I wasn't on a particular step in the program did not mean that I didn't have to work on it. What I do now is ask for forgiveness for things I do to others right away. I find it a much easier task to take care of it immediately rather than to wait until I reach that step in the program. And since I teach school, it will take me a long time to search down people in the community and former students!

I also find it reasonable to ask others for forgiveness when the situation presents itself at this time. So long as I can do it, I should do it. There is no reason to put off asking for others to forgive.

Frontlets

May 15, 2014; 9:28 am:

In the Sunday School lesson I taught last week, I mentioned that the Israelites were to wear scripture in their hands, on their heads, and on door and fence posts. This was to remind them regularly of The Lord. It is important, therefore, to have similar actions today.

In my home there are plenty of temple pictures in every room. I took the counsel from a previous General Conference to have my missionary tag out. I have put up the family proclamation and a picture of The Savior as well. The constant reminders around my house are used to remind me of my duty to make sure that I am doing what I am supposed to do.

Of course, the wearing of the ceremonial scriptures is a good reminder as well. Do I always have The Lord on my mind and am keeping my thoughts clean? Am I paying attention to everything that I do and making sure that I am doing what is right in The Lord's eyes?  Do I leave the house with good intent?

These are points to ponder in daily life: a way of living righteously so that temptation does not set in and I give in the ". . .other gods, of the gods of the people which are round about. . ." (Deuteronomy 6:14).

The Lord's "Hidden" Hand In Recovery

May 7, 2014; 6:12 pm:

I have discovered something about being sober: I notice The Lord's hand in a lot more that I do. What happens when I am not sober is that I am blind to the help that is offered and given to me by others. I will miss out on the kind words given to me. I loose sight of the accolades that are presented to me. I forget to be thankful for the little, kind deeds that people do for me on a daily basis. I will be so caught up in my own little world of recovery, that I forget that I have to be thankful and notice the world around me. Most of all: I need to make sure I recognize what The Lord is doing for me!

One of the nightmares of a man who is addicted to lust is when girls present themselves with newest fashions is short, low, tight, translucent, and/or otherwise revealing clothing. It is truly very difficult to look away. These are those situations where I have to decide, "Am I going to look or not? Nobody will see me do it. Nobody will know." And then the worst of the rationalization sets in: "The girl dressed that way on their own. I am simply enjoying the pleasures of modern society!" Who am I kidding? Nobody by myself. The Lord knows the intents of the heart. If I accidentally see something, I can write it off as temptation. If I peer into the situation. . . .well, that is a whole other story altogether.

Well, recently I have been doing fairly well with my soberness and found myself recently in the above-mentioned situation. It happened three times within ten minutes (Curse those short skirts above the knee!) Well, as luck, chance, fate, providence would have it. . .people sat down and prevented my viewing! Happy day! The Lord came through. All that praying and longing for support from The Lord is worth it! It is so amazing that I am able to come out clean without adding one more situation to be logged into my memory bank haunting me to give in to the temptation for lust!

I only know that had I not been watching for The Lord's hand in it all, I would have never noticed. I thanked The Lord for all he does to help in my recovery. He not only paid for sins, but regularly helps us all in our struggles along the road to recovery. When He helps us, He does not always tell us. I believe He wants us to figure it out on our own, then acknowledge His presence. It only makes sense. How else do I expect to more fully trust in God?

Honor is Power

April 29, 2014; 8:39 pm:

I was pondering what to write tonight--somewhat to repent of my awful post from last week, and mostly as a way to progress along the process of recovery--when I began going through some of my old papers from my mission. In the pile, I discovered a copy of a talk by Cleon Skousen in 1980 called "The Atonement." One particular phrase caught my eye: "My honor is my power."

He gives an example of a bishop being called a good bishop only because the ward is functioning the way it is supposed to: the home teachers teach, the Sunday School teachers prepare excellent lessons, members of the ward are friendly, etc. The funny thing is this: he is supported because he has the support of others.

So what does that mean for me? I have been told many times that I am one of the best Sunday School teachers in the ward. Does that mean I make them more interesting? Does that mean I know more? Does that mean much of anything? Not really. Personally, I don't think I prepare half as well as I know how or should. A lesson I think is rather dull is exciting and invigorating to my class. I attribute most of it to The Spirit making up for what I can't do or say. But now, I consider this: I have successful lessons because I have the support of those who participate in my lessons.

So what does this all have to do with the addiction? I'm actually not quite sure yet, but I think it is something along the lines of this: I will have honor when I am clean. The honor of, or being successfully recovered from, an addiction comes from the solid belief and support from me towards the program(s) designed for overcoming it as well as support from others' belief that I can fully overcome!

There is probably more to it than that, but it is a fresh new thought. It is something I will have to ponder on more completely. If I am to find strength in recovery, I must support the programs I have adopted and be lauded by those who support me. It is an interesting thought. . . .

Superficiality

April 22, 2014; 9:26 pm:

How superficial is this? I got to thinking about this online journal. I started thinking about the original intent versus the intent now. I started considering the audience and purpose. Then it occurred to me: the journal has morphed.

A journal should be used to log what goes on: thoughts, actions, progress, failure, etc. I do not do that. I write to be read. When I write to be read, I hold back. Perhaps, just maybe, I need to keep a separate journal too.

I think about Step 4 in making a fearless personal inventory of my life. I am not being very fearless about it if I hide most of my thoughts and feelings. I have a tendency to want to write positive things only. I want to inspire those who read my blog regularly to be uplifted and gain some strength. But this is not what a journal is for. It is what a blog is for, but not a journal.

Am I truly being real or trying to write the next best thing on pornography addiction so that I can get more readers? The truth of the matter is that the blog has become a chore to check off the list of things to do rather than help in opening my thoughts and sharing with like-minded, like-willed individuals for support. I know I want to continue to blog, but I'm not quite sure it is a journal anymore.

Seems this entry is a true journal entry. . . .

Removing the Beast Inside

April 15, 2014; 7:34 pm:

Today I have decided to answer a question from the recovery manual. This one comes from Step 8 dealing with "breaking the cycle of bitterness and offense".

I have to quite agree with Joseph Smith in the fact that when I receive kindness, it encourages me to be kind. And when I am doled wickedness, it stirs feelings in me of anger, discontent, malice, and revenge. Where do I normally reside along the spectrum though?

I consider myself a rather easy-going individual. I don't seem to show too much emotion most of the time, but I do like to have a good time (even if my face doesn't seem to show it). I am someone who chooses to play gullibility just to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I also consider myself rather forgiving of others' mistakes as well.

But what happens when I get offended? I admit, that there is a monster hiding inside. He doesn't like to be fed at all. In fact, he'd rather hide out in his dark corner and be forgotten about. But, from time to time, he is given morsels to feed on. This only makes him more and more hungry. As he feeds, he grows. As he grows, he comes out of obscurity and into the light until his ugly face can be observed. His name is Spite.

I suppose everyone has an ugly side they would rather not have others see or even know about. I suppose most would try to hide him and ignore him. I have discovered that this only infuriates the beast.

Perhaps, with proper care, the dark corners themselves can be cleansed and the beast asked to vacate the premises. This can be done with little acts of kindness, service, and respect as well as faith in The Lord Jesus Christ to help with the cleansing.

I have a long way to go. I do not like feeding that monster and especially do not like letting him out. As I learn to be a more kind, caring individual, I too will be able to break away from bitterness and offense. Then I will have room to plant good things in the space inside!

Intentions

April 8, 2014; 4:03 pm:

So, after confessing to my girlfriend that I slipped again, I received a comment from her. It has been on my mind all day long. She said, "I know you don't intentionally slip and I am very grateful for all the progress you are making."

This really got me thinking about my situation and led to the following ramblings:

What are my intentions?

What do I intend to happen? Where do I intend to go? What do I intend to benefit? What do I intend the outcome to be? Who do I intend to associate with? When do I intend on moving on to the next step? What do I intend to learn?

These are questions that can be answered positively or negatively. They can be asked of the recovery or they can be asked of the addiction. What are my intentions?

When I am in the heat of the temptation, what are my intentions? I would think that at that time, my intentions are simple to be selfish, self-gratifying, and to never give up the sin. In the heat of recovery, I would say that I am planning for the future, drawing closer to The Lord, and wanting to be free.

I think this is part of what keeps me chained to this addiction in the first place. Do I actually intend to give it up and sever ties with it or do I intend to hide it, suppress it, and coddle it for the rest of my life? Am I actually recovering it or finding ways to justify it?

Any goal set for recovery is usually good and based on good, strong beliefs, practices, experiences, and patterns. But when those intentions are ignored what is there? I can't find anything. My mind actually draws a blank when I contemplate the purpose of participating in my addiction. It has no purpose. Selfish pleasure, loss of The Spirit, self-ostracization, and fantasy are the fruits. The only intention is to never change. I don't intend on doing anything else when giving in to the temptation.

Perhaps solid contemplation on the intent of what I am doing will help steer my in the direction I need to go to reach the next step of recovery. If I intend to do something, it usually gets done!

Recovery Humility

April 1, 2014; 7:01 pm:

I was reading in the recovery manual and discovered a question relating to humility. I found this kind of coincidental, ironic, or inspired for that matter due to my girlfriend choosing a talk on humility for yesterday's Family Home Evening. I guess I was destined to write about it.

Concerning sexual addiction, in my opinion, there are several levels of humility: (1) humility of admittance, (2) humility of abstinence, (3) humility of repentance, (4) humility of thought, and finally (5) humility of recovery. I know several of these more or less correspond with other writings, plans, etc., but this is my list of what goes on in my head as to my own scale of how I'm doing.

I would say to be humble is to be compliant, honest, and willing to change or be submissive to that which is right even if it is not easy. Each level in my list above is what happens each time I slip and begin the process of soberness.

The first level is the humility of admittance. Admitting there is a problem is only one aspect of admittance. This one also covers lies, covering sins, justification of "just a little bit", and refusal to ask for help. I find this to be the most difficult step in humility as it involves me talking with someone else about the problem.

The second level is humility in abstinence. This level includes switching from white-knuckling to actually desiring to change. I find it too easy to find pride in myself in being clean. There is more to soberness than avoiding the problem: there is the desire to do what is right in the first place. This level of humility requires that the motivation behind the action is Christ-centered.

The third level is all about repentance. True repentance is more than over-coming the sin. It requires asking forgiveness from The Lord, those I've hurt, and myself. Then, it requires actual work to fix those things I've done wrong. Without humility, I would not be able to accomplish this step. It is a life-long process and requires Christ to do. It very often overlaps the other levels.

The fourth level is all about honesty in thought. Thoughts can be a dangerous place to visit. I can recall any image I want whenever and wherever I want. But there is more to it: I need to make sure I keep my eyes focused as well. A quick double-take look at a pretty girl or slightly entertaining the idea of indulgence is enough to set off a chain reaction of failure. If I can honestly sit down at night and admit to myself that I have honesty striven to keep my thoughts and actions clean, then I know I am exercising humility in thought.

The final level is humility in recovery. Overcoming an addiction is not only soberness. I would say I am not fully sober when I am thinking of my addiction and the problems it has caused. I have to honestly put faith in The Lord that He will help me overcome future situations and even steer me away from compromising situations. Recovery is clear when I realize I have been presented with a situation and did not even consider indulgence. Humility in that situation only comes from realizing that it was The Lord who gave me that strength and that I did not develop that on my own.

As I strive for more humility, I hope and pray that someday I will reach that highest level of humility and free myself from the chains of addiction.

In the Moment

March 25, 2014; 8:16 pm:

So I have been feeling very stagnant lately and have not been putting much effort into the actual steps of recovery. I'm guessing that the two go together. So, I opened up the addiction recovery manual and found an interesting question: "How strong is your willingness to yield your heart to God instead of yielding to the addiction in the moment of temptation?"

This is an interesting thought I think I might like to ponder more carefully. It seems that the only slips I have had lately in my soberness have come from these spur-of-the-moment happenings. I have not been purposely seeking out any manner of giving in to the temptations and have removed almost anything that will let it in, so far as is reasonable and practical. However, I find myself not able to put in that one bit of extra effort required in order to overcome these temptations.

Perhaps something comes on TV. Am I able to change the channel? Usually. The problem is that I do not call anyone and tell them that I need someone to talk to in order to overcome the thoughts that have entered into my mind from it.

Perhaps something appears in a game advertisement. Am I able not to look. Usually. The problem is, I take note of how I found the add and leave a calling card as how to return to it.

Perhaps I spy a beautiful daughter of God who has dressed immodestly. Can I look away? Usually. The problem is that I do not always have a prayer in my heart to not dwell on it all day long and allow it to seep into my mind deeper and deeper until it becomes an obsession.

Am I willing to allow myself to turn to God instead of yield to the addiction of the moment? Usually. But I have not been trying hard enough. I have not been praying in the moment. I have not been calling for the support and advice from others in the moment. I have not pulled out my scriptures, sung a hymn, or stared at the myriad of pictures of temples around my house in the moment. I am getting caught up in the moment and using it as an excuse to linger.

I must not linger.

As I learn to call on The Lord and others as these temptations come, it will be easier and easier to avoid them in the future. I know it will. Perhaps this will also eliminate much of the stagnation I have felt as a result of it.

Three Dreams

March 15, 2014; 5:55 AM:

I had three dreams last night. Two were about the addiction. One was about self-worth and character.

In the first dream, I found myself 15 years younger with my next older brother who was younger also, except that we already had the life experiences we now have. I remember being extremely open about the addiction with my brother, as we both have this addiction. In the dream, I remembered real-life history that he has been divorced and re-married. I asked him, in the dream, what he thought about specific situations within the addiction and the recovery program; whether or not he had done certain things and what he thought about overcoming them. I would then respond with what I thought and had done.

What caught me off guard was how brief his answers were and how he seemed to have no feeling. He wasn't disinterested in the conversation, but he seemed to brush off each question as though they were conquered and he didn't have to talk about them anymore. My replies were specific and I remember feeling peace as I answered them, that I had overcome specific portions of the addiction and was on the right path. I remember worrying that he was sober, but not recovered and worried that I would not be the same way. The dream ended with me telling him: "I have a rule, that no matter who it is I will marry in the future, before we get married, I will tell her about my addiction. If I don't, then I am not being honest with her." I remember seeing my brother's face in shock and concern for his own situation, then the dream closed.

---

The second dream was much shorter. In this dream, I was older, but still with my brother. This one took place in my girlfriend's grandparents' home. Apparently, the entire family new of my addiction and it was decided by my girlfriend's grandmother and myself that my brother and I go for a drive with her grandfather. He asked us where we should go. I replied, "Anywhere at least 15 minutes away where we can talk." He drove us to a place in front of a retirement trailer park and told us the importance of being clean. He referred to talks by general authorities of the church and explained that it was one of the biggest problems we had in society today. Again, I felt peace thinking about what he said and my responses were true and with conviction. The conversation ended and the youth from the ward came to the car and started to talk with us. I remember that they had a lot of respect for me and loved me. Then this dream closed.

---

The third dream was a little different. I was in the military with two others who were my friends (nobody I knew in real life). Apparently, we had received information that somehow we already knew a little of the future of our Recruiting Sergeant. We knew that he was a harsh leader, but fair and demanding and otherwise a really nice guy. It was our responsibility to join his platoon and watch out for him since we knew he was going to die soon from a heart attack, right before giving out cookies (this is important later). I therefore joined up and was somehow a higher rank than others as I had some privileges the other soldiers did not and I always was first in line.

The Sergeant regularly inspected our packs and organization skills. The dream ran through three or four of these in a row. I was eventually caught stashing some extra snack food in my pack, but he only had me throw it out and no more. He explained that if I was to be in charge of a group of soldiers I had to set the example. 

The time eventually came that he started showing signs of the heart attack. I ran and grabbed the other guys who knew it was going to happen and we joined our Sergeant in a supply room. We asked him what we should do. He told us to go ahead and take our share of the fresh chocolate chip cookies from the table on the other side of the room. We thought it strange this was his request when he told us one more piece of instruction: we were allowed to take as many cookies as we wanted so long as we had issues we had to overcome and stated what they were. We were to have anyone who took them do the same. However, we were not allowed to eat them, we had to give them to someone else. I immediately picked one up and said, "Well, I can take one right now. I have flat feet." I took a cookie and gave it to my Sergeant. He smiled exhaustively. Immediately, I thought of other issues I had, especially concerning my addictions and how many cookies I should take and give away. I felt a great peace once again. This is where the third dream ended.

-------

I have thoughts as to these dreams. I am not so sure that they are inspired, but I do not think that they are uninspired either. The feelings of peace and concern for others buoyed me up to work harder but also gave me thoughts that perhaps I am doing better than I thought. The first thoughts I had after awaking from this dream were (1) that I should not worry about the addiction and trust The Lord and (2) that I should immediately write these dreams down -- specifically on this blog -- before I forget them. I really like the cookie idea. I might like to do that activity someday.

Close the Back Door

March 4, 2014; 8:42 pm:

A quick thought I have had lately is making sure I close the back doors to sin. Recently, I had more filters installed and blocked seemingly good websites which occasionally have the potential to let indecent pictures slip their way in.

I have removed several of these back doors and am now testing how much better I am with dealing with temptation. What I have noticed so far is that I am much more easily able to overcome and stay sober.

Having a filter is only the first step. Getting rid of the back doors through the filter takes more work, diligence, honesty, and humility.

A quote from one of my favorite talks by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, April 2010 General Conference talk "Place no More for the Enemy of My Soul":

Whether we be single or married, young or old, let’s talk for a moment about how to guard against temptation in whatever form it may present itself. We may not be able to cure all of society’s ills today, but let’s speak of what some personal actions can be.

• Above all, start by separating yourself from people, materials, and circumstances that will harm you. As those battling something like alcoholism know, the pull of proximity can be fatal. So too in moral matters. Like Joseph in the presence of Potiphar’s wife, ⁴ just run—run as far away as you can get from whatever or whoever it is that beguiles you. And please, when fleeing the scene of temptation, do not leave a forwarding address.
  

• Acknowledge that people bound by the chains of true addictions often need more help than self-help, and that may include you. Seek that help and welcome it. Talk to your bishop. Follow his counsel. Ask for a priesthood blessing. Use the Church’s Family Services offerings or seek other suitable professional help. Pray without ceasing. Ask for angels to help you.
  

• Along with filters on computers and a lock on affections, remember that the only real control in life is self-control. Exercise more control over even the marginal moments that confront you. If a TV show is indecent, turn it off. If a movie is crude, walk out. If an improper relationship is developing, sever it. Many of these influences, at least initially, may not technically be evil, but they can blunt our judgment, dull our spirituality, and lead to something that could be evil. An old proverb says that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, ⁵ so watch your step.
  

• Like thieves in the night, unwelcome thoughts can and do seek entrance to our minds. But we don’t have to throw open the door, serve them tea and crumpets, and then tell them where the silverware is kept! (You shouldn’t be serving tea anyway.) Throw the rascals out! Replace lewd thoughts with hopeful images and joyful memories; picture the faces of those who love you and would be shattered if you let them down. More than one man has been saved from sin or stupidity by remembering the face of his mother, his wife, or his child waiting somewhere for him at home. Whatever thoughts you have, make sure they are welcome in your heart by invitation only. As an ancient poet once said, let will be your reason. ⁶
  

• Cultivate and be where the Spirit of the Lord is. Make sure that includes your own home or apartment, dictating the kind of art, music, and literature you keep there. If you are endowed, go to the temple as often as your circumstances allow. Remember that the temple arms you “with [God’s] power, … [puts His] glory … round about [you], and [gives His] angels … charge over [you].” ⁷ And when you leave the temple, remember the symbols you take with you, never to be set aside or forgotten.

Evil Presents Itself

February 25, 2014; 7:31 pm:

Something has become apparent to me lately, that is: evil presents itself. I have often heard other speak of (and have done so myself) how sneaky, sly, and cunning the devil is. It is true. He truly is the most cunning of all and was cursed for being so in the days of the Garden of Eden. And yet, there seems to be another side to this. . . .

I often refer to myself as being more addicted to lust than any of the other forms of sexual addiction. This seems true because of the urges and situations which present themselves. What are these situations? They can be anything: an attractive girl walks by, a commercial appears on TV, billboards, radio ads, plays, or even simple things like playing a game of Monopoly sometimes.

Basically, what happens is my lust for lust jumps into gear and my eyes will wander. I will catch a glimpse of a translucent shirt, or hiked-up shorts, or a logo written across the chest and it is enough to generate feelings and urges in me that transport my mind to another realm. Was Satan being sneaky in placing those things there? Not always. I went looking for it. When I look for it, I can find it. . .no matter where I am or what I am doing. It presents itself to me.

The hear of the matter is controlling thoughts. If I can control my thoughts, I can control where my eyes wander. When I control where my eyes wander, I can control my actions. When I give in, I can very easily set myself up for disaster by putting my being in a location where I am certain to find what it is I'm looking for!

As I learn to clear my thoughts, I will learn to stop tempting myself. Then Satan will have to get back to work doing it since I won't be putting myself in those situations in the first place!

Leaving Fantasy Behind

February 18, 2014; 7:36 pm:

I thought for a moment as whether or not to post this particular entry only because it is really heart-felt and strong. But I decided that this is after-all my journal. I am only inviting others to read it for the sake of their own strength they may pull from my own, to know there are others who understand what you are going through. For those who are weaker, be careful reading what I am about to write that it does not trigger the wrong emotions in your own being. This entry is dark. This is simply something I have to write in order to get it out of my system and "into the open" so to speak. This is kind of something I would write for Step 4. Without further ado:

-------

There is something of a relationship I have seemed to form with my own addiction. I am regularly asked by those who help: "What is holding you back from being sober today?" Well, upon pondering on that thought, I have decided that a portion thereof belongs to this relationship I have with the addiction. Basically, at times, I don't want to get rid of it because it has become a life-long friend!

In the heat of the addiction, I would think about it all day long. Once I would return home from work or errands, I would rush to my computer, TV, printed material, etc. in order to greet my friend. Many hours would I spend with her. She would always be there. No matter what kind of a day I had, no matter my mood, no matter the circumstances I had in my life, I knew I could trust her to be there for me. She was always smiling. She was always patient. She was always open for suggestion. She did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. She never complained. She never ignored me.

The longer I got to know her, the more she let me in to her world. There came a point where I spent more time in her world than I spent in my own. I trusted her. I loved her.

This is where the fantasy comes in. She started to entice me with simple gestures and preening. I would reciprocate. Finally, she would show me that I was more and could do bigger and better things! Her idea of bigger and better was so much different than the rest of the world offered. This was enticing. I would embrace it and ask for more.

She was gentle in her maneuvers. She slowly, carefully, pulled me deeper into this romance we had invented together. She told me her deepest secrets and lulled me deeper, deeper, deeper until I found ultimate satisfaction.

Little did I know what had happened! I had been seduced by the ultimate seduction and was lost. I was so deep into her world, the fantasy created within my mind, that I had lost the very concept of reality! I was no longer in a romantic relationship. Rather, I was a slave. But I was not a slave who did physical labor and cater to every whim. I was the slave of fantasy who gave into lust to satisfy an unnatural, unreal desire.

In the midst of the clenching of her hands and arms around me, I was brought to the light of the matter and learned to recognize how deeply she had pulled me into her lair! I knew I had to get out, the only problem was: I didn't want to!

I wanted nothing more than to be free of the monster I had both created and loved. However, every time I would look her in the face, she would bat her eyes at me and pout. I could see the tears running down her cheeks and onto her chin. In a fantastical, absurd manner, I hated to leave her because I thought she would be hurt to be left alone! I did not want to give up my only love!

How was this possible?! It shouldn't have happened! How could I have possibly fallen in love with my own carnal nature and allowed it to pull me into the depths of misery, pain, and most of all: addiction?! I couldn't be! It shouldn't be! But it was. . . .

-------

So there you have it. I have tendencies to be stuck only because it hurts to let it go. Can I feel an emptiness inside for leaving behind that which I must? Perhaps. But it is the wrong kind of emptiness. Its real name is several fold: guilt, lust, desire, vanity, anxiety, helplessness, sorrow, false-hope, temptation, and more.

Yet, there is a cure: The Gospel of Jesus Christ and repentance. Only He will be able to fill the false void caused by the loss of this fake love affair. Only He can erase the memory of it. Only He can erase the pains. Only He can wipe my garments clean. And in some odd way, though I would never wish it on another or myself again, I am thankful I have had the opportunity to come clean just so I can get to know Him again!

Don't Ignore the Spirit

February 14, 2014; 10:20 pm:

I don't know if it is the anticipation of the event, or the fact that I just feel like I can overcome anything, but I always seem to stop short of reaching my goal for partaking the sacrament in church. All I have to do is reach two weeks for my goal to be complete each time. I was supposed to take it this Sunday. I was doing extremely well. I did not make it this time. . . .

I mentioned in group last week that I refer to my addiction as lust rather than only referring to pornography and self-gratification. Quite frankly, it is not the dictionary definition of "pornography" that I am after either. The only thing I seek to feed the addiction is lust. The more I lust, the more I feel satisfied. Anything else is only there to produce the endorphins my body has learned to crave and indulge on. For this reason I have set certain parameters--avoiding self-appointed triggers. Basically, I am not allowed to do certain things in order to avoid causing the slip in the first place.

I was having an amazing day today. I was able to come home from work early and spend some great time with my girlfriend. Sadly, I have brought a horrible end to the day by giving in to temptation. I was beginning to be tempted almost immediately when I got home. This was set off by my giving into lust earlier in the day. I almost indulged in this second temptation of the day, but caught myself and decided to wash the dishes instead. Luckily, my girlfriend was getting off work and asked when I wanted company. I told her anytime was good. I needed her right away. Thankfully, she got there right on time. I thought I was doing well the whole time. I should have told her how hard it was to keep my mind focused. Instead, I grew tired and felt exhausted. Perhaps the exhaustion was set off by the mental work exerted to overcome the temptation. I am not sure.

Soon enough, it was time for her to head home. The temptation hit almost instantly after she left. I was on my way to get into bed and had the impression that I should call my sponsor and have him talk with me long enough to put everything away and get into bed. I did not listen! Instead I gave into my indulgence. Always right before my goal!

The impression was as clear as can be. There was no voice, there was no deafening thunder, there was no flash of light. . .only the clear and distinct impression to text somebody on my phone while I prepared for bed. Had I listened I would be free tonight to state that I am doing well. But, I did not. I also received an impression to blog on here. I did not heed that one either! Luckily, I was again told afterward to blog to de-stress and cool down. Thankfully, I listened to that one and now that I have, I am more clearly able to see what I need to do to improve next time.

My girlfriend has told me on several occasions to look back and discover what was different this time from times in the past so I can make sure that does not happen again in the future. I discovered that I need to avoid lustful thoughts throughout the day in order to avoid indulgences in the evening. Most importantly over all, however, is to obey when I receive promptings! I thought I would easily enough just go to bed. I don't know why I keep fooling myself into this misconception, but it seems to be a pattern.

I am eager to break those patterns. It is only by breaking the patterns that I can progress more effectively. Through step-work, abstinence, and relying on the mercies of The Savior I will be able to be healed and have my garments washed clean!

Keep At It

February 2, 1014; 9:01 pm:

I really did not want to blog tonight, but then decided that I had to. It had to be done even if all I did was get on here to say that I did it. Well, I have. But while I am here, I may as well write too....

I noticed that my last post seemed to have good feedback and it got me thinking about what I am doing here. I blog as a way to get my mind off the addiction while simultaneously writing about it. I have to admit: I did not want to write today. I'll tell you why. I did not want to write because I was being tempted. It's an interesting thing to consider. Now that I have decided that I must write in the blog weekly (and am lovingly prodded to do so by my girlfriend), it has been a whole new temptation not to. This is something I was not expecting.

To be frank, I have been getting more varied temptation lately. I feel some urgency to avoid it at all costs, but the flavor of the temptation in my mind is so rich, that it has been a struggle. So long as I keep at it, I will become stronger. As I become stronger, I will have a greater desire to write and will know exactly what I need to write.

Today a scripture, 2 Nephi 32:8-9:

 8 And now, my beloved brethren, I perceive that ye ponder still in your hearts; and it grieveth me that I must speak concerning this thing. For if ye would hearken unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray, ye would know that ye must pray; for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray.

 9 But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul.

 This particular scripture enters my mind regularly. I adapt it to my situation daily. The Spirit teaches a man to pray. He also teaches a man to read his scriptures, go to bed on time, stay away from temptation triggers, and spend time working on recovery steps. The evil spirit will teach a man to avoid all of these and to indulge in fantasies. I need to learn to recognize more fully when the Spirit is teaching me that I need to get on my blog and consider my recovery versus me not wanting to get on solely because I want to go to bed. Practice and patience will be key in my journey.

Are You True?

February 10, 2014; 12:27 am:

I cannot sleep and temptation is high. For this reason I am going to embark on this journal for the reason it was created.

I have had a lot to think about tonight. Most importantly, I can't help think about about one of the talks I heard in church today. Are you true?

Anyone watching me closely would not have suspected I was paying that close attention to the talks given in church today. My girlfriend and I had somehow managed to "adopt" the kids of one of our bishopric counselors. His wife is expecting and has three other little ones. The second was cuddling against me drawing peacefully on my iPad while another was playing games on the iPad of my girlfriend. Nevertheless, I heard most of what was said. In fact, I was listening intently.

I am not sure if the experience the sister in the ward gave was of her own life or one she was quoting from an article, but I am almost certain it was from her own (I guess I was distracted at least that much). At any rate, in the story, there was a shy girl who had joined the church and a a paper-back copy of the Book of Mormon fell out of her locker. Three girls nearby saw the book and asked first if it as a religious book. She answered yes. Then they asked if it was a Mormon book. She said yes. Finally, after a brief hesitation, they asked her, "Are you true?"

The sister who gave this talk related this to members of the church being "active" and yet stated that it would make a whole lot more sense if we asked each other if we were "true." This stuck with me.

______________
I found the following quote by President Hinckley from 1996 in the talk "Stand True and Faithful":

"We believe in being true. How very important it is to be true to ourselves. Each of us has a thing we call conscience. We know the difference between right and wrong. We do not have to be instructed concerning what is good and what is evil. I think we know that. We know when we have done the wrong thing, and we suffer pangs of conscience. We know when we have done the right thing, and we experience a sense of happiness. To be true to ourselves means being an example of righteous living in all situations and circumstances."

 Am I true?

As I go throughout the day thinking on my addiction and going through the daily motions, am I true to myself? Am I true to my girlfriend by honestly reporting when I slip and being open and honest with my feelings and emotions? Am I being true to others in the church by faithfully performing the duties I am called to fulfill with diligence and effort? Am I true to myself by being honest about my situation and call for help when I know I am in trouble of slipping again?

 ______________
I had a small quarrel with my girlfriend tonight and it has preoccupied my mind. In the discussion I discovered just how much she cares for me and is willing to do for me; to wait for me. I asked her what her future plans were, she told me. She asked the same of me, I obliged. And yet, I feel a longing.

I told her I long to be a father. When I held those children in my arms, I was the happiest person in the world. I didn't want Sacrament Meeting to end. The end of the meeting was the end of bliss. I was being influenced by a piece of innocence. In essence, a bit of Heaven was in my grasp. The angst I felt to have children of my own only grew.

Straightway my girlfriend told me that I need to harness that desire and make it grow. I immediately thought of the parable in the Book of Mormon in Alma Chapter 32 where if I plant the seed of desire in my heart and let it grow to a fruitful tree, I could nourish it and it could grow and produce fruit unto everlasting life.


______________
I believe the temptation has passed. I will be able to sleep, though it be late. I pray The Lord will be with me the rest of this night.

 Am I true?

Remember the Progress

February 4, 2014; 8:01 pm:

This entry is intended to be small. I just wanted to point out that it was nice to go see my bishop today. Though I am not even close to being over this addiction, as they never truly go away, I am glad to report to my bishop that there was progress.

Sometimes I find it hard to look back and see what has happened. This time last year I had decided that I was no longer going to even try to overcome it. Now, I have come a long way and can see the temple in my sights (especially since my girlfriend gave me enough temple pictures to cover every wall of my house!).

Sober a little longer, avoiding a few more triggers, withstanding certain temptations, changing the channel, switching the radio station, looking the other way. . . .

It is good to see progress. Step-by-step I move along. I can't ever ignore that.

Running Away?

Friday, January 31, 2014, 10:22pm:

I have to come to a realization with myself: I have spent the last few days running away from my emotions and any manner of recovery. Some excuses were legitimate, to balance out my life's activities. Others were just excuses. The problem is: I have been running away.

I have noticed a few trends that follow soberness:

Day 1: Jittery. I have to white-knuckle through the day.
Day 2: Binge. I want to indulge in the recent slip rationalizing that it's "only been one day."
Day 3: Strength. I begin to feel confident in my ability to be clean.
Day 4: Decision. I decide that I am going to make it through.
Day 5: Withdrawals. This is a white-knuckle day. Extra prayer and staying busy is a must.
Day 6: Confidence. Knowing I've made it through Day 5 gives me strength to continue the fight.
Day 7: Second withdrawals. I start getting random, heavy anxiety. Brain chemistry begins to settle and I "want a fix." The dreams begin.
Day 8: Second confidence. Knowing I've beat Day 7 boosts me through the day.
Day 9: Third withdrawals. Now my body craves the addiction. My mind is preoccupied with the addiction. I just want to run away and pretend the addiction doesn't exist. This is the day I have slipped on the most. The dreams get more vivid. I begin to boast in my own strength that I am able to overcome the addiction on my own.

After Day 9, I feel like I have strength. The problem is, the urge to run away seems to take over my whole being. I don't want to admit to myself that I have an addiction in the first place let alone talk with my sponsor, my girlfriend, or my bishop.

What scares me the most are the dreams.

I was told once before that, even in the subconscious, we will only make the decisions we would make in real life. I am beginning to doubt that philosophy. The dreams have given me rationalization to slip before. Plus, when I awake from one, I feel as though I have slipped already.

The dreams begin innocent enough, but are very vivid. Being even slightly sober, I tend to sleep better and have more frequent and vivid dreams of all types; sometimes up to four or five a night which I can remember once I awake. The memories of the dreams are fleeting for most, but some stick like tar in the back of my mind and last for days, weeks, or even years. Those are the dreams I despise. I do not think they are nightmares, only chemical-induced fantasies propagated by the brain's lack of endorphins provided by acting in the addiction.

Nevertheless, I tend to "lose myself" in those dreams. Some, like last night's, are simply the variety of "being in the right place at the right time" where I get to spy on someone. Some are devious, where I prey, seduce, and deceive. As mentioned before, they all begin innocent. In the dream I will be talking and one thing will lead to another where I find myself alone with a girl. Very rarely have I had the strength in those dreams to resist.

The feelings of guilt for acting out within the dream are sometimes strong enough to make me think that I have given in for that season of soberness and must therefore confess my "sin" and start the count over as though I am on Day 1 again. The problem is, that since the images were created in my mind, and I have an addiction to them, I remember them for a long, long time. I have prayed many times not to receive them and for help to forget them. The Lord always helps.

Unfortunately, the more sober I become, the more frequently the dreams appear. I have a theory that they will fade over months as my body learns it does not need those chemicals caused by such "excitement" to be satisfied.

My cowardly decision to run away kicks in about then. I feel happy being free and want to run away from blog posting, group meetings, and check-ins on sobriety just so I don't have to think about the addiction.

I need to make sure I do not give into the pride this time. It is not worth it.

Thankfully, there are two other types of dreams which flash in my mind during periods of sobriety: playing with and raising my future children, and going on a second, third, or even fourth mission (depending on how the dream plays out). Perhaps I should concentrate on those. I've had them this week as well.

Shown My Weaknesses

January 21, 2014, 6:15 pm:

I have decided that I need to begin working on Step Six items even while working Steps Four and Five. The one I chose to comment on today is the concept from Ether 12:27:

" And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

 I wonder how I am with accepting the awakening of this verse. I find myself sometimes not wanting to be humble. Being humble means that I have to take responsibility for my actions as well as actively try to change my behaviors. Of course, that's the whole point of recovery. If there is no movement, no growth, and no change, then the only thing left is self-pity, doubt, regret, and all the other consequences of participating in the addiction.

Do I really want to know my weaknesses? Step Four is definitely good for that one. But I really understand the why men have weaknesses already....

Several years ago, one of my bishops pointed out in a way how my own addiction had become a blessing in my life. I mentioned to him that night that I understood the basics of the atonement and knew and understood the importance of it. My problem was that I didn't seem to understand what difference it made for me in my life. He related to me that nobody really understands the atonement until it has worked for them. Though my test was not the test he was given, it was still there to help me understand just how much I needed to rely on the Savior and turn my life over to him. It was a way for me to learn that I need Him! I could abstain the rest of my life and live perfectly from now on, but the only one who can erase the past is Christ. I have to trust in Him.

This is how a weak thing can be made strong. I am weak in my addiction, but as I learn to turn it over the The Lord, I become strong in testimony and faith.

Moving Forward

January 14, 2013, 8:21 pm:

This entry is intended to be short, though I have been thinking about it since last Thursday. Basically, I decided that I can go ahead and move forward in the 12 Step program past Step 3. I kept thinking that I was stuck in Step 3 trying to accept the Lord as my Savior and Redeemer. I had done that. What I was really confused about was knowing when I had given enough over to Him to know that He guided me along my path.

We covered Step 6 in group last week and I realized that most of my fixations have centered around concepts found within there. That is where I turn over completely to The Lord and wholeheartedly obey the commandments as a new lifestyle. I realized that that can only come after Steps 4 and 5 are completed. It finally made sense to me. I have to find my faults, give them up, and then confess sins completely before I can officially turn myself over to the new lifestyle.

The explanation of the realization does not come out as clearly as the inspiration was. Of course, that is rarely ever the case for anything. At any rate, it became clear to me to revisit working out a moral inventory and then present future plans to my bishop. My plan seems rather basic to anyone reading it, but for some reason it sticks out as inspiration in my mind.

It feels good to move on and not feel so stagnant.




....okay, my ramblings are over. My mind is racing a million miles a second and yet, I can't think of anything! Sometimes you just have to brainstorm and get things officially written out. Thank goodness for a journal (and my girlfriend reminding me to write in it!).

Ask for Deliverance

January 7, 2014, 7:32 pm:

So, a question in the addiction recovery manual asks what it is that keeps me from crying mightily in humble prayer for deliverance from bondage and what has kept me from doing so in the past. I really don't know the answer.

The obvious answer is pride. Of course pride had prevented me from asking in the past, but now it's only part of the problem. Perhaps it had something to do with not wanting to be humble. Perhaps I was so set in my ways in the past that I had no real desire to change. Perhaps, though, it is because it is too easy not to. I had convinced myself that it was not worth it.

The truth of the matter is that I do want to change. I can change. I know The Lord will be there for me.